Do you ever find yourself struggling with fear and worry that “something bad is going to happen,” when, in fact, everything is going right? Actually, beyond going right, it’s going AMAZING!

If this sounds familiar, this one’s for you. When we have something in the palm of our hand that we’ve been aching to receive, it’s an ironic state to find ourselves stuck in fear about that thing disappearing like a bandit in the night.

Perhaps you finally got together with the partner that you’ve been dreaming about, although now you’re afraid they might break up with you and never show face again. Maybe you’ve found the perfect home, but find yourself convinced that “it’s too good to be true” and you “for sure” won’t land it, I mean, why would you, right?

Insert doubt, major fear, a lot of negative story and heaps of anxiety, you know, all that really comfortable, awesome stuff….kidding.

What I’m speaking to here is the fear that can come up when life greets us with the exact object of our affection that we’ve been yearning for. (The guy, the girl, the job, the house, the friend, the trip, the baby, the exact opportunity that we’ve been waiting for.) The funny thing is, that instead of feeling excitement and celebrating the arrival of this treasured person, place or thing, we find ourselves in fear that it will go away.

Like STAT.

We might find ourselves story telling about how it’s going to go away, as we play out step by step details of the horrible thing that’s going to happen to make it all burn down and go out in flames. 

Yikes. 

This doubt and focus on your worst nightmare coming true, also known in the world of psychology as “worst case scenario thinking,” (yes, that’s a term), causes us great suffering. This type of thinking doesn’t allow us any room to enjoy whatever came knocking at our door.

That, HELLO, is actually really great and amazing. Can we just enjoy it already?!

So, what do we do about this? Clearly, it’s stripping us of joy, freaking us out and giving us major anxiety. We might as well not even have received “the thing” because now we’re stuck in worry and fear about that amazing thing going away. We can’t seem to keep our brains in a positive and centered space. It keeps guiding us back to fear and scarcity. Help!

Okay, I got you. Let me break this down a bit.

This actually is pretty common for a lot of us who have a tumultuous relationship with control. (No, I’m not calling you controlling, but I will point you to look at your relationship and past history with control.) 

In a sense, when we’re convincing ourselves that something negative is going to happen to this really good thing that just showed up, we’re “preparing ourselves” for disappointment by creating a story of how it’s going to go away. This, also, is our attempt to control our outcome. 

Experiencing disappointment is so awful for some of us, whether that’s because of our past experiences with it or our fear of not wanting to feel it, that we can find ourselves self sabotaging a great thing when it’s right before our eyes.

We do this in order to avoid feeling disappointed. We do this in order to self protect. 

Here’s my question for your introspection: Why is disappointment so awful for you that you’re willing to create a nightmare out of a good thing?

In all reality, creating nightmare stories of how something is going to go wrong is actually the most threatening thing that we can do to our life circumstances. Contrary to what our unconscious mind thinks it’s doing, (protecting ourselves from pain), we’re actually creating self fulfilling prophecies, yup, another fancy psych term; I’m on a roll.

What does this all even mean?

It means that we tend to convince ourselves that our nightmare is going to come true to the point that, whether conscious or not, we act in ways that bring that result into our lives. We attract it with the vibes, thoughts and actions that we’re putting out into the universe. I know, very “law of attraction,” although with being a therapist, I continually witness “like attracting like” as I see my clients play out their stories.

As I pointed out briefly, a key factor in getting beyond this is by looking at your unique relationship with control. It might help you to do some introspection around what you do to control circumstances in your life. It’s amazing how many people come to me, that are very high in control that would never have thought so. The thing with control is that it has a bad wrap. We often assume that “controlling” people are aggressive, demanding, dominating, etc. Control can be quiet, unspoken, passive and under the radar. It’s important for you to identify the ways that control shows up for you. For example, passive aggressive behavior is very controlling. Tip: Look for the sneaky ways that control rears its head for you.

Our avoidance of feeling disappointment is our attempt to control a result. 

In order to hone a more healthy relationship with control and disappointment, we can begin to focus our energy on doing what we can to get good results. By showing up the best we know how to, being authentic to who we are and taking part in behaviors that are within our control, we then learn to let go of outcomes. 

There’s always a point in a situation where it’s important to identify that we’ve done everything that we can do. When that point is reached, it’s essential to let go. If we don’t, we risk forcing a situation that is not meant to be. Realizing that everything ALWAYS works out for the better when events are given the space to fall into place organically is important for you to witness because it will build your trust with something beyond you. We have to let go in order to see this. Letting go of the outcome after you’ve done your part is a key action that will help relieve your worry.

If that person, place or thing happens to go away after you’ve done everything in your power to show up, then so be it. I say that with so much love and kindness. I know how hard it is when something goes away that you want. I also encourage you to look at the bigger picture. It can help you so much in life to learn how to let something BE that didn’t pan out.

I know it can be hard, but trust what’s happening. Trust what works out and what doesn’t.

With practice and allowing disappointment to be there and felt, you will establish a new relationship with life and the events that present themselves. This doesn’t mean that you won’t have feelings about all the things that don’t work out. After all, there tends to be much pain and high emotion around the things that we want so badly. I hear you. I’ve been there.

It’s so important to honor and feel your emotions. With that said, it’s equally important to find acceptance of how a situation occurred without thinking it should have been any different. Hint: That’s where peace lives.

If you can start chipping away at this work, you will get to a point where you will be able to accept any outcome with more ease. (This doesn’t mean that you will like it and that it will be easy to stomach, but, with acceptance you’ll be able to work through it faster and with less resistance. 

Reminder:  There really is a point in every situation where your work is done and the only thing left to do is let go and let be.

Working on acceptance, learning to let go, trusting that there’s something bigger out there that is conspiring for you and your situation are all perspectives that can help you to trust how your life events play out.

Just like anything, this is a practice. It can be really hard at first to let go, but it’s a skill to learn that will increase your joy in life. When we allow disappointment to be there and trust that we can work through it, we become less afraid, which is the trick to appreciating our present circumstances. 

Whatever results we get after we put in our best effort is a result to be trusted. 

This perspective can help us find acceptance and flexibility, which are important skills to walk through life with.

I know that it can be hard to digest some of these words, especially if you’re struggling and stuck in your negative stories, but, again, like anything, practice will help ease your desire for control. When we’re less in control, disappointments have the opportunity to take on new meanings. 

For example, a disappointment can become a learning opportunity vs. a nightmare. How we view what happens to us in life really is the difference between people that are at peace and those of us who are struggling. Finding the lessons and personal meanings within the events that happen to us can help us drop the control of the outcomes of our lives. 

With all this said, if you feel that you need extra support to get through your fears and negative stories, I highly recommend seeking out a professional to help set you on the right path. Gaining the skill set of how to let go and find acceptance of your life circumstances will help you to tap into your excitement when those amazing things make there way into your life. 

After all, you deserve to be STOKED & SMILING.

Do you think you might need some extra support from a professional? Here’s a past blog post I did to help you find that “right” other for you.

Finding the Right Therapist for You

*Above image was taken by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.