Avoidant Attachment Style (What It Looks Like & How to Become Securely Attached)

January 9, 2024 Kim Egel

Our attachment style is at play within all of our relationships; however it really comes into play when any significant relationship is threatened. When we’re securely attached we tend to have more emotional capacity to share our feelings openly and resolve conflict in a healthy way.

When we have an anxious attachment style our tendency is to become needy or clingy in our relationships. With avoidant attachment style it’s common to behave in emotionally shut off or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply turn away from intimacy altogether. This is due to our discomfort with closeness and feeling emotionally exposed.

*For the purpose of this post; I’ll be shining the light solely on avoidant attachment. (If you’re not sure where your attachment style falls; you may want to skip to the bottom of this post and take the short quiz that will help you identify your specific attachment style before proceeding.)

2 Types of Avoidant Attachment Styles:

1. Fearful or Anxious Avoidant: (also known as disorganized attachment style) A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style usually desires closeness and intimacy from their partner, yet simultaneously fears that their partner will abandon them. This can create a “push pull” or “on again / off again” dynamic within the relationship creating an unhealthy energy. In another instance, avoidants have a tendency to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and begin to distance themselves in order to feel relief.

Key traits of the Fearful or Anxious Avoidant (disorganized attachment)

insensitivity towards their partner’s needs, selfishness, controlling and untrusting behaviors can be common. These traits can lead to negativity within the relationship. They have a tendency to be hard on themselves and, are often, equally hard on others.
they have a higher chance of developing substance abuse issues or engaging in aggressive or violent behaviors.
it can be difficult for them to take ownership of their own actions and behaviors; this can cause a lot of strain within their relationships.
deep down they crave the security, love and safety of a depthful, intimate relationship, yet their conflicted with feeling terrified of getting hurt.
their childhood is commonly shaped by abuse (either physical, emotional or verbal) neglect, or trauma.

What their primary caregiver relationships looked like:

It’s highly likely that their primary caregiver(s) were dealing with unresolved trauma themselves. Their parental figure(s) may have ignored, dismissed or overlooked their needs as they were growing up. Generally speaking, inconsistent and chaotic behaviors cause fear and trauma within a child.

The avoidant attachment style is born when your caregiver was the source of your safety and also the source of your fear as you where growing up. Experiencing this extreme contrast can compromise your ability to trust in a healthy way. Hence, an avoidant attachment is born.

2. Avoidant / Dismissive: Instead of craving intimacy; An individual with the dismissive attachment type avoids emotional connection with others all together. This is due to a heavy discomfort around closeness and vulnerability, hence they avoid reaching levels of connection that would challenge them to open up emotionally. With this specific attachment style, there’s discomfort with relying on others, or having others rely on them.

Key traits of the Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment Style

they tend to withdraw further the closer a partner attempts to get.
they can come off as distant and closed off due to a discomfort with their own emotionality. Defensiveness is common if their partner shows concern over the emotional distance within their partnership.
they have a tendency to feel smothered within their relationships, often feeling like their partner is “too needy” with any voiced concern over the emotional distance. They are prone to minimize their partner’s feelings, keep secrets, engage in affairs, and end relationships in order to regain a sense of freedom.
casual relationships tend to be more comfortable than long-term or more intimate ones; they tend to seek partners who are equally independent, long distance or any partner who, generally, also keeps their emotional distance.
they tend to deny the truth that they (we all) need intimacy in order to be healthy individuals. (We need connection; no person is immune to that fact.) They have a strong false validating story of how they can “do it on their own.”

What their primary caregiver relationships looked like:

Growing up with parents who were unavailable or rejecting and where needs were not met regularly can create the foundation for an avoidant dismissive attachment style. In order to self protect and cope when growing up, emotional distancing and self-soothing mechanisms were developed. This creates a discomfort with intimacy and a heightened want for independence as adults—even when that independence and lack of intimacy causes its own problems.

Q: Why am I avoidant?

Avoidant attachment is a pattern of relating to others that is generally said to stem from early life experiences with our primary caregivers. It typically develops when a child's emotional needs are consistently neglected or met with rejection. As a result, the child learns to cope by suppressing their emotions and avoiding close relationships. In adulthood, this attachment style can make it challenging to trust and rely on others, often leading to isolation and emotional distance.
(*This is certainly not about blaming our parents; it’s based on what attachment theorists have concluded. With that said, all of our relationships act as teachers for us. Our healthy and secure relationships can help us heal and become more securely attached.)

With avoidant attachment style, deactivating strategies are used for the individual to stay avoidant. (These strategies are developed to cope and self protect and, if not course corrected, are on auto pilot mode by adulthood.) These strategies are ways for the avoidant to continue to deny attachment needs, keeping them chronically self-reliant. (*This is not intentional; these ways of coping usually beyond the avoidants level of awareness)

Examples of Deactivating Strategies (defining them & healing)

Pushing people away because of small imperfections:
How to heal; change of focus: If they’ve always showed up in a healthy and positive way; focus on the facts vs your fear of small imperfections. You have a lot to lose with pushing a good person away for no legit reason.
Overly focusing on independence
How to heal; change of focus: focus on mutual support, learn to allow support and the even exchange of energy that comes from reciprocal relationships.
Connecting with anxiously attached partners, which exacerbates their desire to push away.
How to heal; change of focus: seek securely attached partnerships.
Has a tendency to misinterpret their partners behaviors; avoidant attached individuals have a habit of assuming negative intentions & behaviors of their partners actions, creating a negative energy within the relationship.
How to heal; change of focus: learn to recognize this tendency of thinking in “worst case scenario” of your partner.s actions. If your partner has a good track record of maintaining your trust and respect; practice trusting that they have your best interest at heart.
Has a tendency to focus on the problem or what is perceived to be “not working.”
How to heal; change of focus: learn to pivot your focus to what is working for you in the partnership.
Ask: What are they doing that does work for me? In which ways do they show up for me that I’m really grateful for and appreciate.
Rumination on past partnerships and view past partnerships with rose colored lenses.
How to heal; change the focus: become aware of the fantasy of your ex playing out in your mind and acknowledge the falsehood of it. Remind yourself that any past connection ended and ended for a reason. It’s not for you or it would be. (It’s easy to make a rose colored story of how you believe something would have worked out in retrospect.) Course correct by looking for new, healthy and secure potential mates. Learn to become more present in your current life circumstances.
Tendency to focus on “the one” that’s out there somewhere. There’s no doubt that there are good potential people out there for you to connect with. This point is more about the avoidant individual using this statement as a strategy to stay disconnected and avoidant.; Staying in the “waiting” for a potential mate to show up vs. actively seeking healthy connections.
How to heal; change of focus: be open, be a person whom others can connect to by ditching all the armor that you’ve built around your heart that rejects closeness (usually subconsciously) by using your deactivation strategies. Be more intentional about seeking and allowing kind & trusting people in.
Can be very “hot” & “cold” due to their disorganized attachment style. This “on again; off again” behavior creates internal confusion and fear, which brings chaos to a relationship dynamic. This is not intentional. It’s due to the early life conditioning of “sometimes my caregiver feels safe; sometimes they don’t” dynamic that gets projected onto the current partnership. In a nutshell; it’s the past being projected onto the present.
How to heal; change of focus: learn to “pause before you proceed.” Meaning, learn to refrain from reacting impulsively and unconsciously from a place of avoidant attachment. The key is becoming more intentional about connecting to the parts of self that are securely attached or that are learning to be; Practice responding from a more secure place within.

Healing avoidant attachment style: More tips on positive change

The first necessary ingredient is your awareness; what follows is your desire, want and motivation for change. (Not your partner’s want, not your mom’s want, not your friends want; YOUR want for change.) You have to get sick and tired of being sick in tired of getting the same old results in your relationship life in order to turn things around for good.

“change has to come from within; from your own free will.”

Healing breakdown:

identify your specific deactivating strategies.
increase your level of self awareness via therapy, self study, consistent wellness practices, etc.
Identify when you’re using your deactivating strategies & course correct by reacting from a more securely attached place within.
seek securely attached partners / someone with anxious attachment will exacerbate an avoidant / a securely attached partners ways will help course correct avoidant tendencies and help one toward secure attachment.
notice inner resistance and avoid acting impulsively by working toward change: change lies within increasing vulnerability & an ability to trust.
learning to find trust within the individuals coming into your life whom are leading with kindness, respect and whose words and actions align consistently. Trust that these people with steady and honest track records, have your best interest at heart.
acting from the secure version of self; doing something that you’ve never done to get the results you’ve never had.

Gaining more awareness around your attachment style and working toward living from a securely attached place could change everything for your life. Attachment is all about how we relate to others. In turn, how we relate to others dictates the reality and quality of our lives. See below for a recommended read to further help you understand and deep dive into the world of attachment styles.

Cheers friends. Thanks for being here.

Resources for you to further work on creating a secure attachment style:

Attachment Style Quiz: HERE