How To Cope During Difficult Times
Learning to pick yourself up after going through a difficult time is a life skill that is learned. Some of us had the good fortune of being surrounded with people who modeled healthy ways of coping during hard times in life; while others of us didn't. Usually our family, friends and other impactful people of our past is who we looked to in order to know what to do during hard times. For better or for worse.
For the record, just like any skill, you can learn techniques and perspectives that will help you pass through the hard stuff with more ease. It's a matter of trying different coping skills on and exploring which ones work for you.
Here's a couple perspectives for you to revisit or try on when life throws you a tricky obstacle.
Express Yourself
Talk to the people in your life whom you trust and who can hold space for you to just BE. Feeling listened to is beyond healing. Writing is another great way to explore, process and release feelings. Do what you know to do in order to express your emotions.
Move Your Body
Your mind and body are connected. Moving your physical body around can help your emotions cycle and push through.
Give Yourself Space
Give yourself space and time to allow the challenge to be processed. Think of your mind as a computer needing to download a heavy file. When our life experiences are dense in emotions, it's important for us to allow time and space for our feelings to be processed.
Focus on Your Needs
It's always important to consider yourself, although, this is especially true when you're experiencing a difficult challenge in your life. Do your best to focus on what you need. Give yourself space to push other people out of your bubble, even if just for a couple minutes, in order to get in tune with what you need.
Breathe
When all else fails; Breathe friends. Focus on your breath. Use your breath to focus you back into the present. Pay attention to where your breath is coming from in your body. Is your breathing shallow (coming from your chest) or stomach? I can always tell when clients are worked up and anxious because they come in breathing and talking from their chest. Their voice is higher pitched and fast. You want your breath to come from your stomach, not your chest. Use your breath to help soothe you. Use the rhythm of your breath to calm and help ground you.
These are a few quick tips that I hope can give you something to grab onto when you don't know how to cope. As much as hard times challenge us, they also push us to grow in ways that are beyond what we think we're capable of.
This is the silver lining of the difficult times.
* Image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
10 Quick Grounding Perspectives
We all need a little pick me up from time to time.
Here are some quick words and perspectives to help you create a more productive and healthy mindset. I know, for me, it's always helpful to start my day with perspectives that give me energy, hope and just, straight up, make me to feel better.
Let’s begin.
1. Remember that what you might be upset about now, will eventually pass and feel lighter.
2. Change your perspective; Change your life. It's that simple.
3. Bad moods are supposed to be; without them we wouldn’t be able to recognize the happy moments.
4. To begin, just begin. Don’t make starting something a bigger deal than it is.
5. If it’s meant to work out, it will. It’s a cliche for a reason.
6. It won’t be a big deal, if you don’t make it a big deal. Don’t make unimportant things a big deal. It’s a waste of your time.
7. Just be loving. Doing so will direct you down the more fulfilling path while connecting you to good things along the way.
8. Contrast is a must in life. It allows us to see all sorts of emotions and textures.
9. Trust timing. Trust the bigger picture. Let go of control. Often, that’s when things have the space to fall into place.
10. When you're tired, give yourself the gift of rest. When you have energy and curiosity, get after it. Learn to listen to your body and respect it.
How to Attract the Love You're Looking For
Why can we overlook or, in some instances, be 100% blind to love even when it shows up right in front of our eyes?
We often will say that we're looking for and desire love, yet when potential options present themselves, we quickly pass them by, tear them apart with judgement or overlook them completely.
Um, what's going on here?
I recently read something that spoke a bit to these questions. The words below resonated with me to the point where I wanted to share them with you. The topic of love and relationships is so vast. It is beyond me to attempt to explain IT nor sum it up in a short blog post. Although, piece by piece, day by day, experience by experience and relationship by relationship the pieces, often, have a natural way of coming together like a spider web if you stay aware and present.
It's a given that whatever you're in a struggle with internally will be reflected to the people and experiences around you, especially within your search for love. If you harbor a lot of self judgment, you will naturally be more judgmental of others. If it's difficult for you to find self acceptance, it will be a struggle for you to accept others and so on.
Often we're looking outwardly for love. However, beginning your search with self reflection can help lead the way.
Here is a quote for you to think about as you pursue the path to love in your own life:
"If you are operating under the assumption that who you are before the surgery, underneath the hair dye, and without the makeup is unacceptable, then you may find yourself driven to find a mate with all of the "perfect" criteria (the "right job," "right look," from the "right family") as a way to compensate for what you consider to be your own inadequacies. You may find someone who has all of those external qualities and think, for a while anyway, that you have found love. But, sooner or later, these relationships tend to reveal themselves to be somewhat empty and soulless. The kind of love that we are looking for rarely comes from this way of seeking. There is no heart in it and soul connections are always revealed in the heart. That's why love doesn't always look the way you might think it should. Just like you, yourself, may not look the way you think you should."
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
I'm going to leave you to sit with that. It was powerful for me, as I hope it will be for you.
Often, the most treasured gifts in our lives, are not presented to us in the way we believe they should and ought to be. This so is true for relationships.
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
3 Quick Tips For A More Positive Mindset
We can all get into a negative head space. After all, we’re human and life provides contrast, which we’re challenged to navigate every now and then. This will always be. With that said, here are some clear steps to remember to get your head back in the game when it's in a funky place.
Focus On What’s Good
In order to be a consistently happy person, it’s a must to create a habit of focusing on what there is to appreciate in your life. What you tend to focus on is a habit in itself. Habits can change with some attention and discipline. If you notice that you tend to focus on “the problem” or what’s lacking in your life, you can learn to shift your mindset. Just like any habit, it’s a matter of learning a new, more serving one in order to function better. A better habit results in thinking and feeling better overtime.
If you feel that you struggle with worry, anxiety and a sense of general overwhelm, I invite you to pay attention to the small things in life. The small things can be easy to ignore, but they’re a great place to start in order to practice your ability to focus and build momentum. The hummingbird at your window, a genuine smile from a stranger or a random message from a past dear friend are little things that you can acknowledge more. Paying attention to the little things in life tend to lead to big shifts and changes within. Life all comes down to a constant exchange of energy between everything, so keeping your focus on feelings and thoughts that serve you will bring good things toward you. This will always be true.
Take Things Step by Step
Focus on one thing at a time. Focusing on the next step, and just the next step, calls you to be more present. When you tap into what choice feels good and honors who you are in the moment, in a sense, you can’t fail. Whatever results from making a choice from that true place within is right.
It’s often that the small choices we make everyday are the ones that impact our happiness the most. We tend to be wired to focus on the big and more monumental things that cause change. Change does and can happen this way, although never forget the power of the underdog, which, in this case are the small decisions that overtime lead to a different way of thinking and feeling.
A great simple and clear question to ask your internal self when you’re looking to feel more rooted is:
What’s the next right move?
Be Where You Are
I’m here to tell you………Where you are is where you're supposed to be. Period.
I know that can be super discomforting, especially when you have a lot going on that's difficult in the now, so bare with me.
When you’re constantly thinking that you should BE somewhere other than where you are, you will be chronically dissatisfied. This way of thinking creates so much suffering. Feeling that where your life is presently is “wrong” is a perspective (and negative label) that will slowly chip away at your life force. In order to hold and feed that negative belief you will naturally become untrusting of life. If you believe that where your at is “wrong” and that’s where life has lead you, this presents a complete disconnect and distrustful relationship with life itself. Obviously, this not a good place to be. Think about not trusting another person. You will naturally be less open, more protective of yourself and less available when you feel something or someone is threatening you. Approaching life on the defense will leave you unfulfilled.
In order to really sink into your present life experience you have to form a more healthy relationship with life. Life is not going anywhere and as long as you choose to think it’s out to get you, you will suffer. You will find more peace with where you are when you trust that the process of life is supporting you. Whether you can visibly see the results of that or not. This is where we get stuck. We see other people experiencing what we want and it’s easy to get caught up in the “why” of “Why is it not happening for me?”
My voice is hear to remind you that it’s just not happening for you……YET.
Believe that what you want is own it's way. Feel the good feelings you imagine that desired experience will bring and practice living more in that mind space.
Hang in there. If you can start to trust life a little more, it will give you more evidence of why you should trust it. In a sense, it’s like dating. The more you see qualities that you enjoy and make you feel good in another, the more you will have the desire to exchange and journey with them forward. So, date life….this is one partner that will not fail you.
* Above image by San Diego Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
My Experience with The Wim Hof Method
I wanted to share about a workshop I took over the weekend that taught me more about the Wim Hof Breathing Method. I was introduced to this method by a dear friend a couple years ago and after watching the documentary, Inside the Superhuman World of the Iceman, I'm always interested to learn as much as I can about the mind/body connection as I believe that it's a key component to overall health.
To sum it up, the workshop was a mix of two segments of breath work, education around what the benefits of the method are and cold training submersion. Meaning, you submerge in a ice bath for two minutes and are challenged to use your breath to regulate your body and sustain the discomfort of the freezing cold water. Bam!
Instead of going into the method and how it's been proven by science to be so beneficial for the human body among other amazing insights, I'm going to speak to my own experience in the ice bath, as it took me a bit by surprise.
(*There's a ton of information on this method and all the proven findings. I will have some links below if you're interested in learning more.)
Our instructor mentioned how our reaction to the cold often acts as a mirror for us. This intrigued me immediately. Meaning that how your body reacts to the physically shocking environment of the ice bath can mimic how you show up in life in stressful situations. Basically, with dedication and practice to this method, you can condition your body to use your breath and mind to train your body to have a different reaction to stress. I'm fascinated by this.
I was eager to jump in the ice bath, as I like to charge into knew physical situations. A couple people had gone in before me. They all seemed to play it super cool, eyes closed, breathing through "the pain" as it's a shocking sensation. They all looked really zen to me. I thought, "I got this."
As I jumped in and quickly submerged, the pain literally took my breath away. I couldn't catch my breath and immediately, all I heard was my inner voice talking mad sh*t, "Oh my God, I gotta get outta here. WTF, how did these other people seem so cool?" I literally couldn't catch my breath and felt myself in a bit of a panic, which made me become really judgmental of myself. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe my instructor said, "If you need to get out, you can." This totally increased the volume of my critical inner voice, "Seriously Kim, everyone else can do it...what's up with you?"
Side note: Getting out of my head (mind) and into my body via my breath in order to calm myself down has been a recent struggle for me. This experience made it glaringly obvious that some work needs to be done in this area of self judgement. Lately, I've noticed that my mind has been going super fast and into the dark freaking woods more so than normal. I know on a logical level that I need to slow down and BE more present, yet I've been struggling to BE more in the present, rather than the past or future.
It was really powerful for me to have such a loud and panicked physical reaction to the cold. The first words from my instructor was "slow down," as I was breathing super quick and shallow. I struggled to catch my breath and slow my breath and calm down.
With that said, on a personal level, the biggest chunk of insight I took away from this rad workshop was that, generally speaking, I need to SLOW MY ROLL. My inability to catch my breath and find my calm really does mirror my recent very busy mind that I've been struggling to quiet.
I love experimenting with my physical body to help show me the way. I strongly believe that our bodies are always talking to us. It's so important to pay attention.
What's your body saying to you?
If you're interested in attending a workshop I took mine @gatherencinitas with The next one is scheduled for July 14. Contact @reispaluso for details.
Resources for more information about the Wim Hof Method provided by @reispaluso
Find Wim's online course here: http://wimhofmethod.com/
Find more scientific papers and such at this website: http://www.icemanwimhof.com/science @iceman_hof
Check out Scott Carney’s book, What Doesn’t Kill Us, for some great insights into the Wim Hof Method.
Check out Kasper van der Meulen’s book, Mindlift: Mental Fitness for the Modern Mind, from a great read on how to optimize your life through simple techniques and strategies. @kaspersfocus
How to Tap Into Your Intuition
When your intuition speaks; Listen.
When your gut instinct kicks in; Pay Attention.
It will do you much justice in this life to reintroduce yourself to your inner knowing. Your intuition. Your gut instinct. Tuning into this natural part of your make up will pave the way toward living a life that is aligned with your unique essence. Practicing and then honing your intuition will help you make choices that connect you toward your truth.
Without cultivating the art of listening to your inner world, it’s only natural to look outward for your answers. Ultimately you have to make your own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. This is how you learn. Even when you do act on the advice of others, the consequences of those actions will always be yours. Ultimately, there's no escaping self responsibility in this life.
Learning tends to be more impactful when you're in the front lines, making the decisions and bearing the consequences of those decisions. This is why it's valuable for you to take the time to get in tune and in touch with the inner workings of fabulous you.
A habit of consistently looking to others for your answers will disable your ability to hear your inner voice. Once that connection is diminished, your ability to trust yourself will shut down. This will make it difficult to make decisions that are true for you. If your inner compass is not functioning properly, the results in your life will match that disfunction.
After all, an action always follows a reaction.
With that said, if you're feeling disconnected from your inner voice, here are some tips to help you tap back into your intuition:
Ask Questions
Ask questions; Questions answer.
Let me remind you for a moment that you're not always "supposed" to know what to do. There are times when the empty space between knowing what to do and taking an action is required. It's, often, just not very comfortable, which is why we avoid it.
There's a lesson within this quiet space that can add to your character if you allow it. That space is where the virtues of patience and trust have the opportunity to grow. The quiet space is a chance for you to practice allowing, flow and letting go of your human mind control. This is often hard for us to give up because it leaves us in unknown territory, which we tend to hate. For some of us it's too scary, so we do many things to avoid it. We become chronically busy. We numb out. We do anything to feel more in control. These actions diminish any learning and, ultimately, delay what we're really desiring in our lives.
With that said, instead of being in the drivers seat of life, let go by asking outward. Ask questions. It's natural when we don't know where to go in life, that we ask a question. "Hey, where's the bathroom?" Take that very logical question and apply it to something that's not tangible. "Hey, where should I live?" "What career path fits me best?" "What romantic partner is best suited for me?"
Ask who? Just ask. Put the question out there. Verbalize it. Say it out loud. Ask who your heart wants to ask a question too. This could be a past loved one. The Universe. Buddha. God. Whoever that higher source is for you.
When you become open and vulnerable enough to begin asking these deeper and, possibly, intimidating questions, you will get answers. They will show up in different forms, but if you remain aware and open, you will get a sense of direction.
Here's a great general question to ask with any situation that may be pulling at your heart:
“What's the best choice that I can make in this moment for both myself and all involved?”
Bottom line is to get in the habit of asking inwardly and to something higher. It can greatly help you find direction.
Follow the Bread Crumbs
Life is constantly putting situations, people and events in your life to guide you. Pay attention to this. Follow the breadcrumbs that life is constantly dropping in your path.
Get Quiet
Slow down while making sure that you're doing the things that you need to do in order to feel peaceful.
Meditate, run, jump in the ocean, take pictures, go on a trip, ground your feet in the earth, go to karate, listen to music, cook a badass dinner, visit with a friend. Whatever you need to do for yourself in order to feel grounded and pulled together will help you quiet the noise. Discover what grounds you and brings peace to your heart and do it consistently.
Get Out of Your Head
Stop trying to figure it out. Life is not math. There is no “correct” or “fixed” way of how to approach situations. I would point you more toward tapping into elements such as grace, trust and flow. Get out of your head and into your heart. The voice from your head is often loud and intrusive, your heart is softer and speaks with a very different energy. Tapping into your heart will help you hear the messages it speaks.
“Cease trying to work everything out with your minds, it will get you nowhere. Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be a revelation.”
*Blog image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
How to Forgive Yourself & Others
In order to become more peaceful within, it's essential to learn how to forgive. Some of us may not struggle with forgiveness and some of us may. Regardless of where you stand with the concept of forgiveness, ultimately everything is interconnected. When we learn how to forgive ourselves we, simultaneously, learn how to forgive others. How we treat ourself will always be reflected by how we treat others.
Forgiveness is an act of surrender. It's letting go of any blame or regret around past mistakes, large or small. It's releasing any shame around actions of the past. It's practicing acceptance of past choices, while believing that you did your best given the time of life and situation at hand. Period. It's acceptance of where you’re at in your life currently, whether it’s what you envisioned for this time or not.
Life rarely turns out how we expect it too. That's what keeps it interesting.
So often in life, the biggest battle we face is with our own self. Finding inner peace asks us to find acceptance of who we are at the core. Forgiving ourself requires us to accept that we are imperfect. Accepting imperfection allows us to make mistakes along the way without feeling shame. The path toward this acceptance comes with realizing that mistakes are gateways toward learning personal lessons. A mistake is like a compass......gently guiding you along. Trust that.
For the record, truly living requires risk and going outside your comfort zone in order to grow. The truth is that you should and will continue to make mistakes if your really living, learning and growing. It's human. Mistakes can help you learn what's ultimately right for you. Without mistakes or risks, life can become still and dull. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty, tie your hair back and take a step toward something unknown, especially when you can't possibly predict the outcome.
That's where the biggest rewards often live. In the complete unknown.
Self forgiveness can be tricky. Finding forgiveness for ourselves is often more difficult than forgiving others. Ironically, as I said earlier, how you treat yourself is always reflected in how you treat others. This will always be. For example, if you’re not forgiving of your own mistakes, it will be a challenge for you to forgive others. Non forgiveness is a habit that carries onto everything.
Much of what drives our want for others to forgive and acknowledge us, is our inner desire to forgive ourself.
For the record, you don’t need another’s permission or validation to be worthy and deserving of forgiveness. The truth is that you will become stuck by holding onto past resentments, hurts and living in regret. Living in regret is a really miserable place to live and pointless. Figuring out how to let go, surrender the past and ultimately forgive yourself for any human mistakes you've made along the way is essential for your happiness.
“Sometimes it’s harder to forgive yourself than to get somebody else to do it.”
If you’re struggling with the concept of forgiveness. First and foremost, I point you toward looking at the relationship with your own self. My guess is that, if you're chronically “hard” on yourself, you're more likely to be hard on others. If you struggle with forgiving yourself for past actions and mistakes, you're also more likely to judge others just as harshly. This creates a lot of unneeded struggle.
With that being said, the gateway to untangle this destructive pattern is to work toward accepting the past and where it has led you as of right now, in this moment. No judgement. No story attached to your current reality of how it "should" look differently. As you practice non judgement and acceptance you will be able to find more peace with the past and your current life situation. Believing that everything has been and will continue to be presented to you in order for you to learn is a perspective that can help you find acceptance.
Easier said than done, I know. Although, learning how to be more gentle with yourself will organically untangle all the fixed and rigid emotions that create the harsh cycle of non forgiveness.
Here are some quick tips to remember around forgiveness:
Accept that you will make mistakes; Mistakes can help you to learn more about what you do and don’t want.
Accept that life is a journey that is constantly shifting and changing; Get out of your own way by accepting where you are. Practice believing that you're right where you should be. Resisting this idea will just bring suffering.
Accept that “your best” effort might shift with the days, cycles and time periods of your life; Realize that you cannot always be on your “A game,” nor is it human to always show up 100%.
Accept the imperfection that is human. Shift away from looking at things from a "right" and "wrong" standpoint. That tends to breed blame and points fingers.
Forgiving yourself will improve your life. Forgiving both yourself and others will release unnecessary suffering and pain that you're holding onto. It’s worth it to take a look at your relationship with forgiveness. It can be a huge game changer to shift your relationship with this concept.
* Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.
"The Right" Kind of Love (Why It Might Not Look How You Thought It Would)
Why, so often, are we surprised or shocked when love shows up? Why doesn't love look the way we think it should? Why can we sometimes "miss it" when love is knocking on our door?
The topic of love and relationships is so vast. I CAN’T EVEN begin to explain. Yet, piece by piece, day by day, experience by experience and relationship by relationship the pieces will be revealed.
Here are some words to contemplate around the topic of love:
"If you are operating under the assumption that who you are before the surgery, underneath the hair dye, and without the makeup is unacceptable, then you may find yourself driven to find a mate with all of the "perfect" criteria (the "right job," "right look," from the "right family") as a way to compensate for what you consider to be your own inadequacies. You may find someone who has all of those external qualities and think, for a while anyway, that you have found love. But, sooner or later, these relationships tend to reveal themselves to be somewhat empty and soulless. The kind of love that we are looking for rarely comes from this way of seeking. There is no heart in it and soul connections are always revealed in the heart. That's why love doesn't always look the way you might think it should. Just like you, yourself, may not look the way you think you should."
....................For when we take a lover to our bed, it's all about opening ourselves totally and completely to the experience of being loved and adored for exactly who we are, and exactly who we are not, as well as being willing to extend this sweet state of grace to another."
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Accepting ourselves, warts and all, will effect our urge to mask certain aspects of ourselves that we deem not good enough. F that! Life is too short to be walking around, aimlessly, trying to cover everything up. The irony is, the more truth you show about yourself, the more of an authentic and truthful love connection you can make. I know this to be true based on my own experience of love and by onlooking the relationships in my life that I value. The odds of finding a soul connection will increase when the inner need to hide self proclaimed "faults" quiet.
Own who you are. All of it. Doing so will lead you to the right relationships and soul connections. Period, The End.
and....Much Love.
* Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Photographer.
Being Vulnerable: Why It's Worth It (No Matter What)
When you love; Why not love hard?
Given it’s a healthy environment (meaning person) to do that with; why not?
When you hold back, when you half love, when you don’t go all in, when you don’t fully expose your heart, you’re actually doing yourself a huge disservice.
Here’s why................
When you don’t give something your all, specifically when it comes to love, you don’t see what you need to see. You don’t see the full truth because how you show up will always mirror your experience. Meaning what you put in is what you'll get back. Commitment attracts commitment. You only see the full picture when you expose yourself to the full picture by making the choice to fully love and commit.
You get what you give in life.
Going "all in" requires commitment and vulnerability. These can be intimidating concepts, especially for those of us who struggle with a fear of commitment.
(*How do you know if you fear commitment? Check out the article I've linked. Usually, If you have a pretty solid pattern of dating or partnering with unavailable people, this is an aspect of your life to examine further.)
We don't always get what we want. Things will not always go how we think they should nor how we want them to go in relationships. We don't always know what's best for us, even when we think we do. This can be really hard to swallow. Sometimes we don’t want to accept the truth, which leads us toward resistance and feeling stuck. Anytime we're rejecting what is, we will face resistance.
“Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment to it. We want to know that it’s a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.”
When you go into a relationship with an open heart and mind something really important happens…..
You see the truth of the matter. You see the truth about the object of your affection. The real, unfiltered truth. When you show up fully, it’s easier and more apparent to spot someone whose not a true fit for you, or, who is simply, not revealing their truth.
One of the biggest learning experiences of my life, thus far, came from being involved in an "on and off again" relationship that started in my late teens and continued into my mid twenties. Now, with over a decade of perspective, I can say that one of the major reasons why it was on and off, on my end, was due to my inability to be all in and fully commit. I say that with no self blame, it’s just where I was at during that point in my life. Of course there were times of “all in,” I was in love with this man, although even 90% IN leaves openings for small cracks to become bigger and truth to corrode. When 100% trust and commitment is missing there's way more room for misunderstanding and a lack of communication and safety in a partnership.
Things become very blurred when you don’t go all in. Things get lost in translation because there's a lack of solid foundation to jump from. From my experience, cracks became gaps, which lead to distance. Distance led to blurred actions and unclear perceptions, which eventually led to a broken partnership. Even if only in my heart, I was fuzzy. Fuzzy and blurry will attract fuzzy and blurry......and it did. I will own that.
So, when you love, do your best to put it all out on the table because as you do, you will be able to make better decisions around who you're giving your heart too. When you give off clarity, you will get back clarity. When things are clear and transparent you see what you need to see in order to make healthy choices about your love life.
.......love hard.
* The above image was taken by good friend and photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
A Therapist’s Thoughts on Love, Friendship & Career
I love hearing about the lessons and ways of thinking that people arrive at based on their experiences in life. I’m always drawn toward articles, books and interviews where people discuss and are asked about “advice to their younger self.” We all hold so much knowledge based on the experiences and life passages that we have already gone through. Today I’m going to touch upon some feedback that I have, at this point of my life, around the topics of love, friendship & career. These topics are super vast, so I’ve done my best to keep this short and concise, yet raw and truthful.
Here it goes:
What advice would you give to your younger self about LOVE?
If you're unavailable, you will attract unavailable. Period, the end. Man, I know this one.
Be the partner you want to attract. If you want someone athletic, make sure you get out there and get your sweat on. If you want a go getter, make sure you're going after what you want in your own life. If you want someone who loves to adventure, yup, you guessed it, make sure you're down to explore and are open minded to new things. Bottom line, make sure you possess and are actively partaking or working toward what you’re saying you want in a relationship. Like attracts like. Become what you want and it will show up.
Surround yourself with a partner that builds you up, respects you and one whom you feel really good about yourself around. How you feel about yourself when you’re in the presence of another is a huge piece of information. Pay attention.
It’s so cliche, but trust your gut, your inner knowing, the feeling that’s a constant under tone about the relationship that your choosing to be in. Whatever your gut is saying is the truth.
Make sure that, for the most part, your partner’s actions and words match up. If they don’t you have reason to not fully trust them. I know that I trust the relationships in my life that are consistent and reliable. Mean what you say: Say what you mean. Especially within the little things. The little things are a reflection of the bigger things. That’s how trust is built and protected. Be and seek people whose word matches their actions.
Letting go is hard and sometimes the answer. Not all relationships are meant to be forever, even when you want them to be. This is a tough one.
What advice would you give to your younger self about FRIENDSHIPS?
Good friends will tell you the truth in a respectful way. I’ve had some moments in my life that stand out to me where I’ve posed a really difficult question about my life situation to a friend and they’ve looked me dead in the eye and told me the truth, not what I wanted to hear. These can be and are often two very different things. I love the friendships in my life that I know will always say it to me straight. Cheers to honesty with respect and good intentions. Bottom line: Solid friendships are built around authenticity and honesty, even when it might be hard to hear.
Be the friend you want to attract. (Similar to the partner you want to attract.) Learn to possess and BE what you appreciate in another.
Good friends warm your heart and want the best for you. A true friend doesn’t try to “one up” you or compete with you. They just don’t.
If you can’t be yourself in a friendship, what’s the point? Seriously.
Solid friends are solid people. I’m really protective of who I bring into my world because friendships can influence and encourage us to grow or they can block our light. I have a no tolerance policy for low vibe, light blockers. Nor should you. I’m going to go out on a limb by saying that one of the best things I’ve created in my life is my circle of solid, honest, trustworthy and dependable friends. My friends have been and continue to be my largest support system.
What advice would you give to your younger self about CAREER?
Pick a career that matches who you really are vs. who you want to be. Make sure you pick a career that matches your authentic self rather than who you wish you were. Meaning, be careful of getting swept up in an image or coolness factor of a career path. Be true and honest with yourself.
I know your parents love you, but do what you feel called to do, not what they want you to do. Pick a career that calls you. This might be different than the direction that others want you to go into for a multitude of reasons: family business, financial, comfort level, etc. I know that my parents don't really identify with my choice to become a small business owner. They both took a more structured career path. Regardless, I'm glad that I followed what felt true for me. In the long term, the chance of your success is higher if you follow your truth. Your the one who has to live with the reality of your own life.
It might take longer than you want to discover and thrive in your chosen field. Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end if you select a career that’s a true fit for who you are. I remember being in my late 20’s/early 30’s questioning what path I took. Starting my own business was unpredictable. There were days where I doubted where I was going and what I was doing, while other friends of mine were making "good money" and in solid careers. Now, approaching 40, (which I have so much more to say about; coming soon) I’m just starting to see the “fruits of my labor.” I’ve always believed that good, solid things, whether it be relationships, careers or self growth take time. In this fast world, I find myself grounding in the virtue of patience. There are just some things you can’t and should not speed up. I feel this to be true for the area of career.
I would love to open up more of a dialogue around these topics. We’re all teachers based on where we’re at in life and what our journey has taught us thus far. I’m planning on using some of my own personal relationships to further explore these questions and topics. Stay tuned and feel free to share what you've learned.
* The above image was taken by my good friend and photographer, Renata Amazonas.
How to Cope with the Feeling of Longing
What do you long for?
Is it a person, a place, a lifestyle, an adventure, a level of health……….?
How does longing show up within you? How does it feel?
Does it ache, hurt and cause frustration? Or does it inspire drive and excitement……?
Recently, I had a client reach out with a blog topic suggestion: “I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the subject of longing.”
Ironically, as life would have it, I’d spent the two hours prior to receiving this topic suggestion “trying” to connect with my next blog topic. After a continuous pattern of writing followed by deleting, I decided to close down my computer and remove myself from the task at hand since nothing was transpiring.
(*Life Reminder: Don’t try so hard, when you stop forcing is when the next step is often revealed.)
For me, when I write, or when I do most things for that matter, I need to feel connected and aligned with the topic or task I’m doing. You have my word that I’m never going to write just for content. My writing comes from somewhere deep within that has no agenda and I will not compromise that.
With that said, thank you to my client for this topic suggestion, for it resonates with me in so many ways and the timely suggestion reminds me to believe in the divine timing of it all. Cheers to that.
Now, lets get to the subject of longing. For me this single word is filled with powerful emotions and depth.
It’s a beautiful word. It’s an intense word.
Longing for something or someone is an involved and in-depth experience. It has deep roots and days of emotional gusto.
Whether you’re longing is coming from what you desire to create, a loss of love or what once was, an adventure you’re seeking or a relationship you’re yearning for, your experience of longing can work for you vs. against you. Longing is defined as “a yearning desire.” (I love that.) The intensity and level of emotional charge that a feeling or experience has often matches the level of self growth and change that can manifest from it. Within that space, where the feeling of longing lives, is where you can create some big shifts from within.
“Desire directs energy; and when you are clear about your desires, you are more precise in your creative aim.”
Our lives are constantly presenting us with situations and experiences that we get to filter in any way we choose. Longing can be a miserable and frustrating feeling if we become too focused on what we perceive is lacking. Meaning, getting caught in believing that what we long for is “not” showing up or, worse, ultimately, coming at all.
On the other hand, if we can harness our longing in the form of hopeful desire while keeping our focus toward the something which is on the way, we will allow ourselves to feel excited anticipation vs. discomfort. This presents two approaches to the same emotion, resulting in two very different paths. Believing that what you're seeking and longing for is on its way creates a very different energy than believing that you've missed "the" opportunity.
Also, for the record, you will miss opportunities in life. We all will because that’s apart of the life experience for all of us to some extent. However, if you do feel that you “missed” a significant opportunity, do your best to believe that another one is coming because it is. That is the true rhythm of life; If you miss one boat, another one is surely coming. It’s just the way it works and don’t forget it.
“You missed AN opportunity; not THE opportunity.”
The work lies within where we focus our mind when our sense of longing is triggered. Do we dwell in it? Ache about it? Avoid it? Get depressed about it? Or, do we walk toward it? Do we acknowledge our longing while staying true to our desire? Do we stay in belief that our desire is coming?
Q: What we desire also desire us, right? Wy would we have a desire that has grown from deep within if it weren't meant to transpire?
There’s also the piece to longing that I very much want to speak to, which is the part that can ache so painfully. The part that causes the kind of pain and hurt that you question if you can stomach. As much as I wish I can take away this intensity and level of pain that we can feel at times as humans, I simply can’t. What I can offer is to guide you toward putting attention in doing for yourself which you outwardly desire.
For example, if you desire love; give yourself love. If you yearn for respect; treat yourself respectfully. If you desire quiet; give yourself the space for a peaceful reflection and solitude. In the simplest of terms; give to yourself what you're longing for. There’s always a way to twist what you desire from the world and contort it into a form where you can give it back to yourself. As you do this, you simultaneously, open up the pathway to bring toward you what you want.
This is how you bring toward you what you desire in a super organic way.
Remember: What you give, you get back. Give out what you long for and it shall appear in some way, shape or form.
If you can become curious about your longing and believe that the intensity of it is here to teach you or direct you, that perspective can help you shift the energy around this potentially “tricky” feeling.
Be with your longing. Trust it. Tap into it and see what flows your way. Cheers friends.
For more perspectives & tips check out and feel free to SUBSCRIBE to my youtube channel. Also here’s two books that I recommend to encourage your self growth process. These books could be supportive as you work through your unique feelings around longing: The Untethered Soul & Letting Go.
* The above image was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.
Controlled Action vs. Inspired Action (What's the Difference?)
Life often calls for us to make choices and take action. Both controlled and inspired action are two approaches to life’s challenges that can either help us flow or add more struggle then need be. They are both necessary and can produce desired results when applied to situations that compliment them. Learning about these two approaches and knowing which one to grab onto in specific circumstances of our lives can help us cruise through life more fluidly.
Inspired Action
Inspired action is commonly driven by a random thought, curiosity or inspiration to act. The energy behind inspired action tends to be free flowing, light, organic and open. The driving force behind this action is curiosity and intrigue. There is no force or resistance when our action is coming from an inspired place.
“The end result of inspired action is not the focus; the joy we feel the action will bring is.”
Inspired action doesn’t require a plan. It requires us to get out of our own heads. There are no rules or “should’s” to follow. There is no right, wrong or logical mindset at play. It’s not to be contained or controlled, which is what allows it to happen so naturally and be so organic. Simply put, it’s action that we just feel moved to do when it calls.
This action is not ego based, rather it’s based on what makes you feel alive and joyful. It often happens unexpectedly, like most special moments in life. It’s without a script or knowing. It’s just, straight up, Inspired.
When action comes from a place of inspiration the result of that action tends to be extremely powerful. Endless possibilities and big dreams stem from this type of action because it’s pure, true and genuine. It has no limits or boundaries.
Inspired action is based around the concept of flow. Flow is not questioning where you’re going nor where you’ve been.
It’s just………Being. In. The. Flow.
Controlled Action
Controlled action has a very different energy to it. The energy that accompanies controlled action is focused, contained and more contrived. This type of action calls our logical minds and learned perspectives to “figure out” what we need to do in order to make our desired result happen. This way guides us to focus on “the how” a desired result can be approached. It's more systemic and procedural. In controlled action there's often a “step by step” approach that leads to the desired result.
Controlled action is great when you’re looking to complete the academic path toward becoming a doctor, lawyer or any other profession that has a specific criteria to follow to meet the end goal. Flying a plane, getting a black belt in martial arts, doing a math problem, putting a piece of IKEA furniture together and a lot of technical fields require this approach. It's necessary at times. (I know, random selection of events, no doubt.)
Here is where we get to make a choice……
If we apply the concept of controlled action to a challenge in life that calls for a loose and flexible approach, we can very much get in our own way. Fighting against what is will bring more suffering and struggle than need be. So, when we're 100% committed toward using a fixed approach to a topic that calls for space, freedom and no boundaries, chances are that we will be creating resistance and more struggle than necessary. Resisting is the more difficult way. For example, forcing any sort of relationship to BE a certain way or demanding that something NEEDS to happen in order to feel okay are situations that cannot be controlled. Who you naturally connect with and feel attraction toward just is. There are some things in life that cannot be forced.
I know this gets tricky when we REALLY want something to look a certain way or someone to feel a certain way about us. It can be crazy making. It’s easy to want to follow a step by step plan of how to make something we want happen or someone we desire to see us in a certain light. The reality is, when we use force when something calls for space, we often create an opposite outcome to what we desire.
I know that when I get uncomfortable or anxious in life, I have a tendency to up the volume of control. There’s this illusion that if I control what I can, I will feel better. Often this is why we can find ourselves running around “busy” all the time. It distracts us and keeps us in the doing mode, which gives us a temporary sense of relief. Distraction may mask our anxiety and fear, although it doesn’t deal with it. Dealing with those emotions and getting through them requires facing and sitting with them. I understand why we humans avoid, it’s our best attempt of self protection from pain and discomfort. The quick fix is to stay busy, but the way toward healing is to slow down and practice the concepts of letting go, relaxing, trusting, calming and accepting. *Believe me, I know that's easier said than done my friend.
With that said, there is a time and place for controlled action, as there is a time to let go, allow, trust and go with what’s happening because you're inspired. Hopefully having more knowing around these two sources of action can help you find more self awareness and peace in your choice of action.
* The above image was taken by Amy Bjornson, San Diego based photographer.
What Does "Following Your Truth" Mean? (Breaking It Down)
(*If you haven't read Part 1, you might want to check out the previous post as this blog is a continuation of that.)
If you’re playing smaller than you’re meant to in this life, I have some ideas that are designed to give you new energy and perspectives. Fresh perspectives can help us clear out old noise in order to bring in the new.
Your new mantra: No more playing small; Start going after what you want.
Below find the steps to hone in order to cultivate the life you want:
Acknowledge It
Acknowledge it. Be aware of what you're doing. Own that you've gotten into a habit of playing small.
Do your best to be self aware, yet patient and kind to yourself. Remember; You are where you are in your life, which is not wrong, it just is. Your story and thoughts around where you are is what’s either working for you and bringing joy to your experience or not. You’re always attracting from where you're at, so if your idea about where your life is at in this moment is negative, yup, you guessed it, you're bringing more of that vibe toward you.
Practicing acceptance and refraining from judging your current reality will push you out of a critical space and into a flow of movement. It always helps me to reflect on the perspective that life is not about getting to a specific destination. It’s a journey. When we can own where we’re at and find peace with our situation, organically, opportunities, people and things have a way of coming into our experience.
Make a Choice
Making a clear decision to tend to and face an area of your life that has been under the radar is a feat in itself. It’s a game changer. Any time that we make a clear choice in life is powerful.
“To decide and pick something is to move out of indecision, which brings flow and change. Choosing to face an area of your life that you’ve been avoiding will lead to change, simply because you’re giving it energy”
It’s like anything that’s been neglected and starts receiving attention: It will begin to grow, thrive, blossom and has the platform to live up to it's full potential. Allowing the blood to start pumping back into an area of your life that you’ve been neglecting will bring new opportunities toward you. It all starts with a clear decision.
Use your Triggers for Momentum
Every person coming into your life presents you with an opportunity to learn, especially the people that trigger you. As I've mentioned before, very often when someone triggers us, there can be something that their behavior is reflecting for us to do some inner work with. By asking self reflective questions you switch the focus off the other person and make the trigger about your opportunity to understand YOU, not them, and in doing so you can become more self aware.
Revive
If you’ve been in the habit of hiding and avoiding, allowing yourself to partake in some “freshening up” in order to clear out the noise that's been holding you back is a must do. Some life moments require freshening up in order for you to reset and feel better. Doing what you need to do for yourself to clean up your energy and clear out bad vibes is so empowering. Tap into what that looks like for you. Do you need to workout, eat healthy, adjust your sleeping schedule, lay off alcohol, go to yoga, find your chi, talk with a close friend, get submerged in nature, go surf? The point is: Do your thing. Do the things you need to do for yourself in order to feel good. Only you know what those things are. Go after them.
Own your Way
There’ s no script or right way in life. Own the way your life is going based on the choices that you’ve made. Be weary of regrets. You made choices in your past based on who you were in that specific time and space in your life. It’s common for us to look back and see our decisions differently from our perspective in the now, although, trusting that your life is leading you in some sort of direction is important to feel more at peace. Practice feeling good about where you’re at in your life now. It's okay to want things that you don’t have.........yet. It’s also important to focus on what you have versus your perceived lack of what you don’t have in order to find peace in the now. Own what's happening in your experience now. Trust it.
Have Fun
Give yourself a break and trust the process. Relax. Have fun. Get out of your head and into your body and heart.
If you generally find that you have a fixed perspective, do your best to get out of your own way by loosening up and staying open to new ways of being. Practice saying “Yes” to something you would normally say “No” too. Try something new without thinking so hard about it and planning it out. Just go. Just do. Get caught up in the excitement of something and be aware of when logic pops in and begins tearing down an idea. Laugh, flow, allow, loosen and be in this temporary moment of your life. Let go and have fun. The power of fun and play is totally underrated in this adult life. Tap back into it.
No more hiding from the things you want and desire for yourself. My intention with this post was to offer you some ways to “try on” in order for you to come out and be seen. There are people waiting to experience you. Life has opportunities and possibilities waiting for you, but you have to dust off and appear before they can show up.
* The above image was taken by San Diego Photographer, Renata Amazonas.
Your Truth (Signs You Are Hiding From It)
Maybe at one point or another in life you’ve had that sensation of wanting to hide from the world. I can, for sure, speak for myself that I’ve wanted to do so. I actually believe that to a degree, getting out of dodge for a bit can be a healthy-slash- self care sort of thing. Checking out for a bit in order to get quiet and become more grounded can provide a necessary recharge. Although, when hiding becomes a lifestyle rather than a mini re-set you can get trapped in playing small in your life.
So, how do you know if you’re in hiding and keeping yourself from opportunities and possibilities that want your attention?
You Feel like Something is Missing
You can’t put your finger on it, but something feels unsettled. There might be an underlying feeling that “something is missing” and “there’s more out there” for you. You feel restless. You find it difficult to feel settled with where you're at in life. Generally speaking, it can feel hard to sit, relax and just BE, which can breed chronic busyness and doing.
Your Intuition Says So
You just know it in your gut. I’m not going to say anything more than this: When your intuition speaks, listen up.
You’re Triggered Left and Right
It’s normal to get triggered by others, although when you’re constantly triggered by the people around you, that can be a sign that you’re hiding from an aspect of you that's demanding your attention. The world is awaiting for you to tap into and share your uniqueness. We all show up in this life with gifts to contribute. Your gift is unique to you. Nobody can give your gift like you can.
When we're hiding and playing small, we’re not the only one that’s missing out. The world is too. When we start to notice who is triggering us and begin to look for patterns within who and what is a trigger, that can lead to some information about our unique gifts that we’re denying or keeping beneath the surface.
You Feel Bored
You’re struggling to feel excited about something; Anything. Things feel status quo. Each day is bleeding into the next. A feeling of blah is a staple feeling throughout your day.
I understand that sometimes we have to do things in life that are not necessarily fun and exciting. Dishes need to be cleaned, laundry needs to get taken care of, groceries need to be bought…and the list goes on. Although, I’m referring to chronic boredom that has become a way of life and has dampened your spark. Boredom that's getting in the way of how you want to feel in your life. This is the kind of boredom that might be telling you something.
You’re Avoiding Your Natural Curiosities
We all have people, places and things that naturally turn our heads. We don’t have to try with what we have curiosity about, it just is. It’s similar to the concept of attraction. There are some people that we’re super drawn to and fall for over others. Even when someone looks ideal on paper, there is just some chemistry between us humans that just IS. Attraction is not always logical. Our curiosity and what we find interesting works on a similar level. If you consciously notice that you're making up excuses in order to avoid events, opportunities and people that you have an inner drawing toward, this can be a signal that you're denying yourself joy and possibilities in your life.
The Voice is Getting Louder
It’s getting more difficult to push away that idea or that voice that’s calling you to step forward. The boredom, your inner voice, the feeling that something just isn’t right. It’s all getting louder and more unavoidable. It's officially caving in.
You might even feel more anxiety than normal because on an unconscious level you have some sort of knowing that you can be living a reality more true to you. What you used to be able to black out of your mind and compartmentalize is face first in front of you. Life wants you to live up to your full potential and it will put opportunities and people in place to trigger you and push you toward your truth.
To come full circle, I suppose the question now is for you to decide if you’re living smaller than your meant too. If not, awesome. Carry on friend.
If the above did speak to you, honor yourself for admitting it and getting through this post. For the record, I'm not going to leave you hanging with this topic. Stay tuned for my "Part 2" of this blog post that will extend the conversation by providing perspectives and ideas intended to encourage your inner momentum to make some positive movement.
* The above image was taken by San Diego Photographer Renata Amazonas.
Stop Overthinking (Tips to Get You Out of Your Head)
An analytical mind can be one of the greatest gifts that we possess. A questioning mind is a breeding place for depth and provokes thoughtful insights. It can fuel our introspection, which leads to deep self awareness and rich results in our lives.
On the other hand, when a positive quality is used incorrectly, it can work against us and this is so with the topic of analyzing. Too much analyzing is, straight up, exhausting, can cause confusion and leads to crazy making. It’s linked to anxiety because constant analyzing pushes us toward excessive worry.
There’s a balance point to honor for those of us who have an analytical mind. When our mind is racing and frantic with stories based on assumptions versus facts, we’re not using our minds to help us thrive. When we’re stuck in “worst case scenario thinking” our mind is working against us, not for us.
So, when we’re trapped in our heads, how do we gain control in order to feel more at peace?
Here are some suggestions in order to calm a busy mind.
Focus on Fact
Facts point toward the truth of the matter.
A sure fire path toward a false sense of reality is to take action based on assumptions rather than facts. The bottom line is that assumptions are not based on facts, they’re based on our (often creative, although false) stories of how we perceive something to be true. Assumptions are based around our own belief systems and experiences, for better or for worse.
A huge grounding force for the analytical mind is to check in with yourself and take the time to assess whether your emotions and reactions are based around “facts” rather than your “story” of what you believe to be happening. (Did you get that? I know it can be wordy and confusing.) When we get into the habit of deciphering between what’s a fact vs. a story we can start to respond to the circumstances of our lives in a more leveled manner.
Look to Nature
Surround yourself with natural elements.
Nature and the organic process of the elements do not try to happen, they just are. A wave doesn’t try to break. A tree doesn’t try to grow. A flower doesn’t try to bloom. Nature just is. The process of nature is not forced. It’s a cycle with a natural flow that doesn’t require any sort of force. There’ s so much to learn from nature. As elementary as the above all sounds, we humans get caught up by trying to “figure out” and “fix” problems in our life. Nature provides a great reminder for us to allow, let flow and let go of control. Often times, the job will get done far more efficiently when we learn to allow a situation to cycle through without our added force.
Connect to Your Body
Connect back into your body.
Use your physical being in whatever way that suites you to bridge the mind/body connection. Get up and get moving. Discover what form of physical movement leads you to connect into your body. It’s so important that you find what this is for you. If you're looking to be an overall balanced person, you cannot deny your physical body adequate movement. This could and should be enjoyable. It doesn’t need to feel like a drag. If it does, then my guess is that you haven’t found what type of activity is a good fit for you. It’s out there, keep trying. Physical movement can help with getting you out of your head and back into your body.
Practice Being Present
Get present by getting out of your head and tapping into your heart.
How do you get present you ask?
Breath deep, feel the air going into your nose and out of your mouth. Focus on the moment at hand and become engaged with the now. As you move forward with your day, do your best to fully BE in your experience. Look people directly in the eye, focus on the conversation your having by listening deeply rather than thinking about what you’re going to say next. Get immersed into the song your listening too. Taste the food your eating. Feel and hear the elements around you. Step fully and deeply into what is happening around you now. Get out of your mind regarding the past and the future and center in the now by focusing on what’s happening presently.
Put the reins on that analytical mind of yours. Life is much better when you’re navigating it from your heart rather than your head.
* The above image was taken by Amy Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.
Lost Love (How to Cope With A Lost Connection)
I believe that there’s so much to grow and learn from gifted by the people who are presented to us in life. Some people come into our experience for a hot second and others are here to stay for the long haul. My logical mind understands that some relationships are in our lives for a limited time. Meaning, the relationship teaches us a lesson or two, then exits. Sometimes we're able to accept the come and go of a particular relationship and other times it’s difficult to let go and get beyond the disappointment of the loss. (This article is more geared toward the loss of a relationship that exits because of a loss of connection, not a death.)
People coming in and out of our lives is a reality, but what do we do when the exit of a specific someone causes a lot of pain, confusion and discomfort?
I can speak for myself with saying that letting go of relationships, whether it be friendships or intimate love, and moving forward has been a challenge for me. Simply said, when I love and let someone in, I love hard and it hurts to let go. I've had relationships that have touched me to my core that are no longer in my life. This has lead to confusion, questions, pain and stagnation at points of my life. Learning to let go and allow a connection to exit our lives in a healthy way can be a challenge for some of us. As I mentioned earlier, I know it has been for me.
This begs the question of, “How Do I Move On and Let Go?” Here are some suggestions on where to start looking in order to find more acceptance around the loss of a significant connection.
Look to Your Childhood
We learned how to cope with loss and pain in our younger years, for better or worse. Meaning, we either learned healthy or unhealthy ways to deal with loss. Learning to move forward and gain acceptance around break ups and lost connections can benefit us greatly. Needless to say, some of us didn’t learn how to do this and it remains to hold us up in our adult lives. A sign that there's some work to do around this can be identified by feeling stuck in the past or ruminating about a particular person or relationship to the point of unhealthy. Regardless of where you stand with this, you can recreate and form a healthy relationship with letting go if you have the desire to do so.
Questions for self reflection:
What did you learn about love and letting go from the relationships you had with your parents? What did your parents model in regards to love and letting go?
Point the Finger Back to You
When a relationship ends, its common for pain and discomfort to come up, especially if it was a strong connection. Although, when pain continues to linger in a way that borders unhealthy, it’s important to start looking inward.
In this space, where pain and hurt are coming up surrounding a loss, it’s important to realize that it’s not really about the other person. This is shocking, right? After all, it feels SO about them and the lack of their unique presence in our life. I get it. I’ve been there, so let me explain further.
Obviously, to an extent, it is about them. However, that’s the surface issue. If you dig deeper, the intense pain that we feel is more about what we learned or didn’t learn about letting go and moving forward in our past. Our extreme pain or stagnation can also be stemming from an unhealthy level of self love. When we don't love ourselves it's a "go to" to focus on someone outside of ourselves. Taking the focus off the person who left and shifting it back our way to do some inward work is a required step in order to begin building a healthy way of coping with loss.
Gain a New Perspective Around Letting Go
Getting caught in a negative perspective around letting go can keep us from genuinely connecting and allowing in connection.
Putting energy toward forming a new perspective around letting go can cause a significant shift with how we experience people moving in and out of our lives. For example, trusting the timing of which people come in and exit, whether we agree with it or not, can help us feel more settled. Generally, putting more trust in the natural ebb and flow of people entering and leaving our lives can unleash us from thinking something should be different. Letting go can still cause discomfort, that's a given to some extent. Although, when we can find acceptance and positive perspective around a loss, it can help to cushion the blow.
The past connections that moved and taught us can never be taken away from us. Simply said; What happened happened. Our past and the people who played roles in our lives have played a part in who we have become. Generally speaking, in life, when we learn to let go before we can see what is ahead of us, something really interesting happens. Life hooks us up and opens doors for the new. New experiences, connections, people and places. This is not to take away from what was. Rather, it’s to be “in addiction to” the cool story of our lives that is continually unfolding.
* The above image was taken by Amy Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.
How Nature is Healing (4 Explanations)
If you’re going through a difficult time, finding yourself more stressed than normal or just need to get back to feeling like you, I would point you toward immersing yourself in nature.
I’m a huge believer that nature heals. I say this on multiple levels: physically, mentally and emotionally. I know that this is no surprise to hear nor anything that hasn’t been supported by science or heard before, but I just feel compelled to write about the importance of connecting to the natural elements.
Here is why:
Get Quiet
Disconnecting from the noise and demands of your everyday life and planting yourself in nature provides the kind of quiet where you have the opportunity to ground and hear your own self. Surrounding yourself with the sounds and natural flow of nature offers you the opportunity to sink into your inner world and hear your intuition with more ease.
Ground Down
Feel the earth beneath your feet. Take off your shoes and ground down into the soil of the earth. Your skins contact with the earth can be rooting. A great visual exercise to practice when your bare feet make contact with the ground is to imagine roots growing out of the bottoms of your feet and anchoring down in the soil below. This visualization can literally help you feel more grounded in your life.
There is Something Bigger Than You
Listening to the sounds of the animals, the wind, feeling the sun or the rain on your skin and watching the movement of life provides reminders that there is something bigger than you at play. Often, when we’re caught up in the "busyness" of our own lives, we can become consumed by our own thoughts and become off balance. The realization that we're being supported by something bigger; something outside of ourself can help us to get out of our own way.
There is a Natural Flow
Onlooking nature invites us to witness the cycle of life that is always in forward motion. Something has to die in order for something to live. Ones ending is another’s beginning. These are concepts that also apply to our life as humans. It can be hard to believe in the natural flow of our own lives. Especially when things aren’t flowing as we would like them too. When we get caught in our own agenda about when and how events should be happening to and for us, we create a lot of suffering. Nature reminds us to let go and let flow.
With that said……go jump in the ocean, go hiking in the mountains, count the stars, look at the moon, feel the sun, listen to the morning birds, get out there in one way or another and experience the healing energy of nature.
* The image was taken in by Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Go Toward What Scares You (Tips to Work Through Fear)
Oh, fear, that thing that keeps us from what we really want. With the topic of fear coming up so often this week in the sessions with my clients, I feel moved to write about it today, so here it goes………
Fear is something we all have to face at one point or another. Some of us face it and conquer it more frequently than others. Like many things in life, the more you’re exposed to something and prove to yourself that you can “handle it,” the less “scary” it becomes.
Fear is no different.
If you live your life facing your fears, generally, you’re living a life full of taking more risks and chances without knowing how things are going to work out. The more you face fear and realize that it’s not as “scary” as your clever mind tricks you to think, the more momentum and strength you have to stand up to "fear" and do what feels true for you. When you feel and face your fears on the regular, the benefit is that more opportunities and options will come your way.
On the contrary, if you have a habit of turning away from what’s scary, that action breeds the natural consequence of having less options to pick from in the game of life. Fear can be super paralyzing. It can keep you frozen in a stagnant zone of your life. Fear keeps us bored. It leads us to feel stuck because when we're not facing something scary, we’re not going to live up to our full potential. Needless to say, this leaves us feeling unfulfilled.
You get what you give in life. Therefore, when you learn how to face scary and uncertain situations, you will be rewarded for doing so. The energy that you “put out there” will attract the result that you get back.
There seems to be a misperception that some of us are immune to fear. You may have heard someone be described as “fearless,” although, there is no such thing. The reality is that fear is a natural human emotion that we all feel and have the option to face at one point or another. When we learn to tolerate feeling fear and mindfully push it aside, while carrying on with what we want to do, we can conquer our fears. On the other hand, when fear overcomes us and swallows us up, it leaves us stuck, avoidant and leads us to live “smaller” than we’re meant to live.
I’m a HUGE believer that in order to get anywhere cool and rewarding in life, you have to do things that freak you out, scare you and make you uncomfortable. Straight up; discomfort equals growth. This concept can be counter intuitive because we’re taught early on that when something hurts or causes us pain, we should avoid it. (Sometimes, yes, this is true.) Although, with that said, I’m referring to pain that leads to growth and discomfort that leads to positive change.
This blog post is a reminder for, both me and you, to go straight toward things that are scary. There’s such big rewards in facing things that bring discomfort.
Keep me posted on what’s waiting for you on the other side of your fear. This is what I know for sure: It’s gonna be good.
* The above image was taken by San Diego based Lifestyle & Wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
*Jewelry on model by Curated Collectibles. Instagram: @handmeetssky
How to Tap Into a More Confident You
Who doesn’t want to be confident?
Walking through this world, confident, believing that we’re deserving and capable of great things can greatly improve our lives. Confidence is attractive. It allows us to feel capable and helps us to trust in our abilities with more ease. It lessens self doubt and gives us the courage to make choices that push us outside our comfort zone. The confidence that we exude attracts what opportunities and people come our way. Confidence gives us the courage to stay true to our boundaries, allowing us to stay in alignment with our true desires. Our confidence level is correlated with how others treat us.
Confidence is not always bold and obvious. It could be, yet it’s often quiet and graceful. This is why confidence is so alluring. There’s an artful balance point where grace and confidence meet. The work we all have before us is to shed the blocks that lead us toward insecurity and build upon our natural essence.
You can observe confidence by noting the quiet listener in a room. A person who doesn’t need the attention on them because their energy and presence is known by their ability to listen and truly hear another. When you’re confident, you're not clawing for attention and validation from outside yourself. Confidence brings a powerful energy.
It’s light, refreshing and attractive. It’s not loud; it’s powerful in a subtle way.
So, how can you gain confidence?
Confidence is an organic result of fully accepting who you are, where you are and what you’re about.
How do you hone your unique confidence?
You practice and work toward accepting yourself…..as you are…..now.
Not when you achieve this or that. Not when you have attained this or that, whether it be a relationship, material object, job title, what have you. Simply, now. When you get to a point within yourself where you can enjoy and accept where and who you are in the present, that’s where self acceptance lives.
Accepting yourself for who you are, imperfections and all, is worth working on. When you weed through the noise of your inner world and ditch the garbage that is holding you back from fully seeing and accepting yourself, LIFE IS BETTER. You will feel lighter, more grounded and more joyful.
Remember, it’s not the destination; it’s the journey. Enjoy it more, now, by allowing yourself to be where you're at without judgement or the pressure that you “should” be elsewhere.
Cheers.
* Image by San Diego based photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Words to Allow Your Life to Unfold (With Less Stress)
So often, we get hung up on “how” things, experiences and circumstances are going to unfold in our lives. Getting caught in the “how” something is going to evolve is what can lead us to shut down and avoid going further with an idea. After all, it’s overwhelming to know that you want something and, at the same time, have no clue how to attain it.
When the way is not paved, it can be really intimidating. Generally speaking, us humans like to know what lies ahead. When we don’t, we can become very nervous, scared and anxious about “what’s next.” When we spend more time stressing about not knowing, paired with creating negative predictions about what we think will be, we are definitely going in an anxiety provoking direction. Anxiety and fear about our life blocks us from taking positive action toward creating our dreams.
This is suffering more than need be.
The truth is that you’re not supposed to know the exact step by step process of how your wants, desires and dreams are going to evolve and come into your life. It’s common to have no clue where to start when a dream is just a mere thought. When you can trust the fact that you're not supposed to know and believe that your work is to stay open and follow your natural instincts and curiosities, the pressure to figure it all out will subside.
The reality is that, dreams are not linear.
What does this mean?
This means that how a dream and life unfolds is a very magical process. It’s art. It’s not to be controlled or sequential. It’s not to be scripted. A dream usually evolves in a way better than you could imagine. When you can wrap your head around this, believe it and allow it to lead, you will feel less fear and discomfort around not knowing how things are going to pan out.
Some things do require a specific step by step process, although, dreams do not.
Committing to the perspective that the unknown of the “how” is a good and interesting part of life is key toward reducing your fear about the future. Realize that when you take away the components of excitement and adventure that come with the unknown, you take away a piece of life that keeps us curious, growing and interested.
So, how are we supposed to tolerate not knowing the how?
With acceptance and understanding that we’re not supposed to know how our dreams, desires and goals are going to unfold, we can experience more peace. Our work is to tolerate the nervous discomfort of the unknown, (until we become more comfortable with it) allow ourself to be led by our curiosity and do our best to believe that things will work out.
When you learn to switch your perspective and begin to believe that the unknown road ahead can be seen as exciting and filled with possibilities, instead of scary and dangerous, life has the potential to get really interesting.
So often in life things don’t unfold in the way you believe that they will or should. This is why life is an adventure. Instead of using this knowledge to freak you out, use it to empower you toward trusting in something bigger. Trust in life. Start believing that life has your back.
It truly does…..
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Photographer.