3 Behaviors Blocking Your Happiness (Tips to Unblock)
Finding happiness seems to be what we’re all on the search for. Life is a struggle without it. What’s the point if you don’t feel and experience the joy from time to time?
“How to Achieve Happiness” is a pretty hot topic when it comes to the self help world. Happiness is what our loved ones want for us. It’s what many of my clients are looking for when seeking my services. I’ve found that underneath many “presenting issues” is a solid desire for more joy and a life that brings happiness.
It’s common for me to hear:
“I’m unhappy.” I don’t know why and I want to become more happy.”
So, the million dollar question is, “How do you become more happy?”
The human experience is not linear, meaning that happiness will vary to some degree. In the long run, this ebb and flow is helpful because it offers contrast, which helps us appreciate when our reality is rich.
However, when more of our days are filled with racing thoughts, about the future or feeling depressed about the past, that’s a loud signal that there’s a core issue that’s crying for help.
*Our emotions are like fire alarms. Our feelings are communicating with us via how they make us feel. Learning to decode what your emotions are saying will do you wonders.
A major theme in this article is that nothing goes away magically that’s calling for our attention to be dealt with and put to rest. We do NEED to deal with things in our life that are demanding our attention or there will be consequences.
This can be hard to hear, however, it’s really important to stomach, friends. Let’s keep going and get you through this so you can find your path to happy.
According to Jay Shetty, three behaviors tend to block us from feeling fulfilled and happy. We tend to numb, avoid and distract ourselves in life from the situations, people and issues that we don’t want to face and deal with. When we do this, shocker, a bigger issue is created as a problem only gets bigger if unattended too.
Let’s go ahead and take a closer look at these blocking behaviors in order for you to evaluate what role they might be playing in your world.
Block #1/ DISTRACTING yourself from what you don’t want to face.
Here are some ways that we distract ourselves that tend to go under the radar.
Distraction one – allowing clutter to build up.
Distraction two – hiding within negativity.
Distraction three – holding grudges.
Distraction four – seeking happiness outside of yourself.
Distraction five – creating a habit of worry.
The thing about “distracting” ourselves from whatever it is that we don’t want to face, is that whatever we don’t confront, just becomes bigger. Distraction is what we do “in the meantime,” although the thing that we’re distracting ourselves from is just sitting there, getting bigger and taking up more space in the room. It will not go away without our acknowledgment.
Block #2/ NUMBING yourself from what you don’t want to feel.
The act of numbing our emotions usually entails an external behavior that we do or, rather, “numb out” in. We can numb with things such as food, alcohol, social media, drama or Netflix. Numbing acts as an escape from what we don’t want to feel, face and deal with.
As you may have guessed it, not coping with difficult emotions creates bigger issues down the road. As whatever we avoid will become bigger.
Block #3/ AVOIDING what you don’t want to confront.
Just like avoiding an acquaintance in a parking lot whom you don’t want to spark a conversation with, avoiding is the final way in which we block our happiness. If avoiding situations and people becomes our normal “go to” of how to cope, over time, it can feel like we’re carrying a huge, heavy weight on our backs.
Learning to Face Difficult Situations
So, what’s the answer here? If distracting, numbing and avoiding is the road to dissatisfaction, what’s the road to happy?
The obvious truth is: The opposite of not dealing with situations that we deem unpleasant, is dealing with them. The actions that will begin to turn our lives around has to do with facing and working through the situations that are hard for us to face.
It’s amazing how much more life will flow when we get into the habit of dealing with challenges as they appear.
I see clients that have a history of “running” from what’s uncomfortable. As they run, avoid, distract and numb, I watch the problem gain momentum. When we’re running from the truth, we have to tell false truths in order to keep running. Within these “lies” is where we get cornered into negative behaviors and actions as the walls fall down around us.
Sounds kinda dramatic, but it’s true!
It really is painful to watch. I see good people loose their self worth and self respect when they get caught in this cycle of coping. You can argue that loss of self being the biggest downfall of all. It’s like watching a train reck. However, this can be avoided.
The reality is that the amount of fear that one is facing when they’re engaging in these destructive behaviors is real. There’s a reason, deep at the core, that has created the instinct for one to run, rather than deal with the issue at hand. This is where “the work,” “the therapy,” or “the corrective behaviors” kick in.
Let’s get to that, shall we?
Two Main Tips Toward Change
Tip 1/ Learn How to Start Going Toward the Problem/ Exposure Therapy.
That’s right. Go right to the jugular. The more you face your issues, the less build up you will have within your life. (I know, obvious.) Also, as facing your issues becomes the “new normal” and gains momentum, that will become your habit of how you cope with difficult emotions and situations over time. In the world of psychology this strategy is known as exposure therapy.
Tip 2/ Gain New Perspectives Around What “Dealing With the Problem” Will Bring
As you sit with uncomfortable feelings by allowing them to be felt and surface, instead of numbing, avoiding or distracting yourself from them, they will dissipate. Yes, it’s true. As you allow them to surface, they will have the room to be felt, do their thing and leave. Anything that we confront in life will, eventually, lose its power over us. We will be able to understand and identify the pain and discomfort as we allow ourselves to stop running and start dealing.
The new thought : “I’m curious about what I might see differently and realize about myself and my life, if I give myself the space to think about and feel my emotions.”
All in all, please be kind to yourself. There’s a reason why you’re doing “all the things” to avoid what’s uncomfortable. Perhaps you never were taught how to “cope” with hard emotions or, maybe the discomfort just got too much over time.
Regardless of the reasoning, I feel for you. It can feel impossible to sit with emotions that hurt so deeply. It really can.
*After reading this post, you might feel the desire to begin facing your unique blocks on your own, or you might feel as though you need some support. There are many qualified people out there to help you.
Here’s an article I wrote on “How to Find The Right Therapist” (or Coach) for You.
*Blog image by creator of honeyandgarden & Photographer Renata Amazonas.
Why Dwelling Could Be Ruining Your Life (Tips to Change)
Ruminating, dwelling, worrying, regretting….you know all that warm and fuzzy stuff that makes you feel oh so amazing.
Kidding.
Let’s get on with it and talk about why the constant looping of worry and anxiety that dwelling creates is just no good while covering ways to stop the suffering.
…. Here. We. Go.
The term dwelling is defined as, “to think or talk about something for a long time.” Sounds innocent, right?
Well, when that “something” is a painful or difficult experience that we can’t seem to let go of and it continues to race around in our minds day after day, it’s actually pretty harmful to our mental health.
We can get lost in dwelling upon something, whether it be a person whom we lost, a situation that “didn’t go as planned,” and ultimately, we can dwell on believing that we’re living a life that’s just “not working out.”
When we’re stuck in this way of thinking, no matter how many good things come our way, we won’t be able to see them clearly. Even if we do see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be a struggle to be open to “new” possibilities with our tainted lenses. This is so because when we’re stuck dwelling, we don’t have enough capacity to latch onto the fresh and good things that appear. Our heart space is way too cluttered from all the madness that’s going on up above in our heads. (Are you seeing how this can be a bigger problem than originally thought? I hoped so.)
One can destroy their life by constant dwelling. That sounds dramatic, but it’s true.
Wherever you are in your head, meaning however you believe things to be, aka: your perspective, is what’s going to dictate the quality and reality of your life.
Your energy is created from within. What you exude via your energetic field, is what will be felt by others. Your energy, your essence, is the material that everyone and everything will be working off of. It has a specific vibe, for worse or better, every time you interact with another.
Have you ever been in a really good mood, then met up with a friend who was having a bummer day and immediately your energy plummeted?
If you’ve ever had this experience, this is exactly what I’m referring too when I talk about “your energy” shifting based on what comes into your experience and how you interpret it. What “energy” we bring to each day is the main factor in how we’re received by people and life itself.
Let’s talk about how we can eliminate our ability to dwell via mind control. I like the term, mind control, because it’s not some fancy psychological term that’s confusing to understand. It’s exactly what it sounds to be. The art of controlling your mind. There’s energetics, science and a practice to mind control.
*If you’re interested in hearing more information on this topic, check out a powerful PODCAST about this topic with Dr. Joe Dispenza & Lacy Phillips
I often get questions from my clients such as, “How do I stop my worrying? How do I stop lopping?
I got you. First, let’s go over three foundational steps for you to be aware of and to practice in order to combat the “monkey mind” and, ultimately heal your hurt. The healing of deep wounds is what will truly bring peace to your heart and stop the surface symptoms, which present as anxiety, worry and constant dwelling.
Take the below in because it’s presented so simply, yet it is “the work” that’s required in order to be free from the chronic loud and busy mind.
1. You must let the pain visit.
2. You must allow it to teach you.
3. You must not allow it to overstay.
— Ijeoma Umebinyuo, 3 Routes to Healing
Easier said than done, I know. However, this is a practice that will require your patience, as the process of gaining more control of your mind will take time, especially if there’s a solid habit of dwelling. Pain is uncomfortable, yet, if you can bare it and see it through, then it can pass. If you don’t take the time to feel your pain, heal it and get past it; Your pain will be your ghost, my friend. Let’s not allow this to be.
Here are 2 Tips to Help You Eliminate Dwelling
1. Practice Focused Attention
What is “focused attention?” In a nutshell, focused attention is the brain's ability to concentrate its attention on a target stimulus for any period of time. With practicing focused attention we can begin to be more conscious of where we allow our minds to go. When we dwell we usually end up at that really miserable, spun out place where we proceed to go down the rabbit hole of intrusive and looping thoughts.
As we consciously pay attention to our thoughts, actions and behaviors and bring them back to a balanced position, we are teaching ourselves to eliminate the mental looping by practicing mind control. You might need to refocus yourself 10 or 100 times before you feel any sort of difference. If you hang in there, it’s just a matter of time that you’ll notice less worry, less ruminating and less dwelling.
2. Dwelling vs. Being Pro Active
There’s a major difference between dwelling vs. being proactive, so let’s define what the difference is?
When we’re pro active, we’re actively looking for positive solutions. Even if there’s a big fat problem looking at us in the face, a pro active approach is where we utilize positive problem solving skills. On the other hand, dwelling is where we ruminate on “the problem.” We might keep saying one liners about “how horrible” it (the issue) is without any sort of optimistic solution or end. Dwelling keeps us stuck and leads us to feel like we’ll never find relief. Dwelling also tends to support “worst case scenario thinking,” which is very self deprecating in itself.
Keep your eye on the prize and remember that there's always a way out. There’s always another sunny day. There’s always a solution, whether you can see it from where you’re standing or not. Trust friends. Keeping a trusting heart will help you think more pro actively in general.
Cheers. I hope this post was helpful and supportive for you. Thank you for reading.
-xx, kim
*Image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Look After Your Mental Health During COVID
Recently I collaborated with Haven Life on the topic of maintaining your mental health during this time of COVID. If you’re interested in hearing about some actionable steps to take and get some support on this topic, this one’s for you.
Click HERE to read the full post.
I appreciate you! Thanks for reading.
In a Relationship Where You're Both Depressed? (Tips on How to Cope)
Depression is a state that effects many, although what is one supposed to do when that depression is the third party in a romantic relationship? They say, three’s a crowd, right? Depression is not a fun friend to have when your intention is to be in a healthy, positive and loving partnership.
I recently contributed to a MINDBODYGREEN article, one of my go to health & wellness blogs, on this very topic. Click the link below to read the full post.
Featured on MINDBODYGREEN BLOG
*Image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.