How To Cope With A Dismissive or Unavailable Parent

Having a parent that’s not emotionally available, absent or dismissive in their ways is a subject that’s a huge source of pain for some of us.

As the story goes, we’re all “supposed to” be born from two incredibly loving and healthy people awaiting our arrival whom take care of all our needs. For those of us where there’s truth in having had this kind of upbringing, where two lovely humans provided a prime example of love, boundaries and optimum health; Good on you. I wish this for all. I truly do.

However, this post is for those of us who came from something different. Having a parent that was/is dismissive, absent or unavailable is a difficult reality to cope with and the effects could be dire. The range in which our needs were devalued or unmet varies, so I’ll be doing my best to speak to this topic generally as it’s depth is vast.

“My hope for this post, if anything, is to be a voice that lets you know that the invalidation from ANYONE doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with YOU not being worthy.”

Invalidation or demeaning behavior from another usually points to the pain that’s being projected on you from the emotionally wounded other that’s NOT YOURS. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. Another’s pain being misplaced and “put on us” is confusing and heavy. Learning to separate what’s your emotional “stuff” and what’s “theirs” will serve you greatly and help you heal. (Specifically for this post I’m referring to a dismissive parent’s unhealed and projected pain which has caused YOU to suffer.)

Let’s get into this topic with a bit of Q & A.

Q: What does a dismissive or unavailable parent look like? (How to identify a dismissive, absent parent)

A dismissive parent can be incredibly non validating, lack empathy and the ability to be child focused. Meaning the parent has an inability, lack of capacity or desire to be involved with their child’s development. This can show up as non-engagement in their child’s activities or disinterest in conversation around topics that have to do with their child’s relationships and interests (unless it benefits the parent to do so.)  

An absent or dismissive parent can bring up feelings of shame; whether they are shaming toward you or whether you begin to shame yourself because of the inner confusion around their absence or condescending ways.

Incredibly complex, hurtful and confusing questions for a developing child or hurt adult could be:

"Why doesn't mom want to spend time with me?"

"Why did dad leave?”

“Why doesn’t mom validate my accomplishments?”

“Why does dad act like he doesn’t care?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

Q: What are the clinical effects in adult life from growing up with a dismissive, neglectful parent?

A lack of a solid sense of self throughout your childhood can very well carry into adulthood if you don't work through the difficult emotions and unmet needs that can present with exposure from a dismissive or absent parent. The chronic feeling of "never feeling good enough” and traits of perfectionism tend to be side effects of growing up with a parent that didn't provide consistent validation and modeling to create a healthy foundation for adulthood. Issues with intimacy and love in adulthood can be a side effect of having a parent who didn't provide an example of healthy love.

Generally speaking symptoms such as holding a lot of shame, a track record of unhealthy romantic relationships, low self esteem, low confidence, inability to self start or go after what we desire due to a poor self concept can be present. There's many side effects that tend to spiderweb into bigger issues when we grew up with a parent who was neglectful and dismissive.

Q: What are actionable steps to take in order to cope with an indifferent/distant/unavailable parent? (How do you handle this type of difficult relationship) 

1. Create boundaries in order to keep yourself healthy. This might mean shorter phone calls and less visits, less overall engagement in order for you to create healthy boundaries and keep yourself mentally and emotionally balanced & stable.

2. Go toward available relationships in your life by attracting people who can hold space for you. (You need to experience how it feels for another to show up fully for you to recorrect old patterns of not receiving healthy amounts of love, consideration, empathy and healthy validation.)

3. Wok through any past or current difficult emotions of shame and hurt with a professional who can help you.

What are coping strategies to heal? (How to overcome the effects and pain that being on the other end of a dismissive parent causes.)

Do your best to create healthy present day relationships in order to help "correct" any sort of lack that you feel from the residual “side effects” of growing up without getting certain needs met. Honoring what was absent in your childhood as an adult (given that you’re in a healthy and stable place to do the tough introspection) is a path toward healing this root issue and the pain associated with it. I often speak to my clients who have come from an unhealthy family system about “corrective relationships.”

Q: What are “corrective relationships?”

A: They’re relationships that provide you with the unmet needs that you didn’t receive from your primary care giver.

Seeking relationships that organically shine a light on your strengths, are consistent, provide validation, are accountable and trustworthy is healing. We all need to be on the other end of relationships like this to form healthy attachment styles. (A great book for more on attachment styles HERE.) By seeking out people who are trustworthy, consistent and able to share and praise your accomplishments, rather than invalidate or ignore your credits, will help you “course correct “ just by being on the other end of them. Exposure to healthy relationships and being in connections that provide nurturing energy and mirroring is like drinking a green smoothie with all the good stuff.

It soothes the soul.

Establishing a strong community in the now will help you to feel respected and will provide a healthy example of what it feels like to be valued and truly loved for who you are. We all deserve and need this in our lives to have a healthy sense of self.

Maintaining a balanced and consistent self care routine where you take care of your needs by getting appropriate sleep, spend your time wisely, exercise regularly, eat well and spend time with people who value you is the foundation toward creating a healthy self concept. We’re all attracting relationships into our lives based on where we’re at, therefore starting with the relationship with ourselves and getting that “on lock” by doing the important self care steps is key.

Also, continuing to work through insecurities, creating better boundaries in your connections and paying attention to any shame that is present from the past that’s keeping you from thriving fully in the present will help you greatly. 

*Depending on the level of pain and shame you hold, you may want to work with a therapist or coach to assist your healing process. If that’s the case for you, check out this post on How to Find The “Right” Therapist HERE. 

*Image by Photographer & Creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas.

How to Stop Selflessly Compromising Yourself in Your Relationships

Is Any of This Hard For You?

Having the guts to be true to yourself amongst others opinions. Saying NO to others. Disappointing someone whose asking you to give more than what’s comfortable for you to give. Having a hard time refraining from doing what others expect you to do, especially when it doesn’t work for you. Making self respecting choices when others around you are choosing differently.

If the situations above are frequent challenges, you might be a people pleaser Babe.

With that said, I had a topic suggestion from a friend that I want to speak too because it seems to be a common struggle. I believe it’s a topic that many of us will be able to connect with and the root of it lies in self respect, self love and our ability to have good boundaries.

Here’s the question:

“How do you balance the desire to be a supportive friend without compromising your own energy and boundaries?”

Being a supportive friend does not entail compromising things that are healthy for you. Having good boundaries and showing up for your needs are two factors that a healthy connection does not ask you to compromise.

Remember that “supportive” doesn’t entail tolerating being “dumped on.”

Within friendship, or any relationship for that matter, “stuff” is gonna go down. Friends are going to have upsets that they share, that’s a given. Even more so when it’s a close relationship. Although, there’s a very different energy to distinguish between sharing information with someone vs. dumping information onto someone. 

Sharing is healthy; Dumping is not. 

When someone is “dumping” on you there’s a draining, exhausting and heavy energy to it.

If you feel a consistent hesitation when a particular friend calls for your support or a hang out, this could be a red flag that you’re compromising something within yourself when in company with this other person. This doesn’t mean that you need to let go of the friendship. It does point to tightening your boundaries around this relationship. With doing so, the connection will either become healthier, shift for the better and grow or not.

Here’s some perspective on how to get past your guilt so you can go about putting boundaries on a friendship that needs them.

Your Feelings Are Legit

There’s a reason for your feelings. Honor them. When something feels off or icky, it’s probably because it is. Trust yourself and be mindful to not validate “why” this person needs you. You need to show up for yourself first. Nobody needs you as much as you need yourself.

Too Nice is Not Nice

I’m all about being friendly and nice. I think having empathy, being open and polite to others is such an amazing way to be. I also think that you have to honor and respect yourself, which means making sure you’re not only being nice to others, but also being kind to yourself. Usually this entails saying “NO” from time to time. For the record, compromising your needs is not a self respecting choice and will drain your energy. Hyper hospitality is often a symptom of people pleasing that gives others the go ahead to walk over you.

Hang In There

The reality is that if you’re going to establish good boundaries, it’s essential to be able to tolerate the guilt of not pleasing someone. I know, it’s going to be uncomfortable for a bit. While tolerating the guilt of not being everything to everyone, you give yourself the opportunity to establish a new way of being by setting well intentioned boundaries. Just like anything that ’s a process, you have to get through the guilt by allowing the feeling to be there while deconstructing your guilty feelings with perspective. Reminding yourself that you’re not being “mean” or “selfish” for making self honoring choices sounds so basic, but it’s important to practice. Often times, when we’re functioning from a people pleasing place, we feel a lot of guilt for not being or doing what others want us to be and do. This is the wiring that we have to correct in order to establish a healthier way of connecting with others. This will begin to shift the dynamics within our relationships.

Allow Space

Allowing space for your friend or partner to work out their own stuff is healthy; It’s not mean. If that person guilts you for not constantly being there when they need you, that’s more of a red flag for you to pay attention too, rather then jumping to the conclusion that you’re a negligent friend.

Healthy adults have the capacity to work through their own stuff. Healthy adults don’t expect you to take care of their emotions. You’re there to support them. You’re not there to fix it for them.

When we’re coming from a people pleasing space there’s often a confusion around fixing vs. being supportive. Take a step back and give a situation space so you can establish your boundaries. Also, make room for that other party to work out their own stuff.

To sum this up: Babes, please take the pressure off yourself to BE everything to other people. It’s exhausting and it’s not the way to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. It’s just not. Remember that people respect people who respect themselves. Period. One of the most attractive and magnetic qualities to have is self respect. One of the biggest actions to take in order to cultivate that quality is to have solid boundaries.  

We need you. The world needs your energy. It doesn’t need you continuously self sacrificing and giving beyond your means. Establishing boundaries will help you see your relationships in a new way and will leave you feeling more confident about you.

*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson