What I Wish I Knew in My 20's & 30's

There’s plenty of blogs directing advice to your 20 year old self. Plenty. “What I wish I knew when I was 20.” Google it.

From there, it seems to turn into posts about “What I wish I knew at 30” or “What I wish I knew Before 30” (So, again, focusing on the 20’s.)

Q: What about the rest of us?

How about the 30’s? How about the 40’s? How about some good solid tips, regardless of your age, that are designed for you to find your own version of happy? I mean, I had tons of questions and things I “wish” I knew during my 30’s. I also, currently would love to hear some feedback and advice for my 40 something year old self.

My intention for this post is to speak specifically to both the decades of the 20’s and 30’s because, well, I’ve been through both of them. I’ve fully completed, signed and sealed my 20’s and 30’s and here’s the “feedback” I have for you with being on the other side.

Regardless of your specific age or decade of dwelling, this feedback can keep your perspective healthy, free of comparison and grounded. This is directed toward ANYBODY whose in a space of doubting, stressing about or questioning their whereabouts on this journey called life.

*All my feedback comes from a well intended place. A place to maybe give you validation for what you already know or the courage to believe something different for yourself.

Here are 11 tips of healthy perspective, from me to you.

#1 STOP TRYING TO “FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE” IN YOUR HEAD

Oh the analyzing mind. Some of us get very caught in the bad habit of trying to “figure it all out.” We plan. We stress. We worry. We live in fear of all the things not happening for us in life, so in order to pacify our fears we over control and force things into place.

If you’re finding yourself trying to “think out” what you need to do in order to get or accomplish A, B or C in your life, please stop friend. Rather, start focusing on taking small steps toward “different” actions within your daily life. Life doesn’t happen when you’re thinking and planning it out. It happens when you’re engaged, present and actually living it out.

It’s a cliche for a reason: “It will happen when you stop trying.”

Stressing about when you’re going to find the partner, have kids, get married and “find” the career for you is beyond overwhelming. It takes the joy out of the present moment when you’re spending so much time worrying about the future.

Being overly distracted with where you “want to be” will check you out of your current life. If you’re in this cycle of hyper focus on the future, you will feel stuck, frustrated, irritated, anxious and, possibly, hopeless. Those feelings are due to your inability to be present more than your actual circumstances.

It’s an extremely stressful and an unrealistic expectation to think you can “figure it all out” in your head. You can’t “figure out” your life by thinking really hard about it. However, that doesn’t stop many of us from trying. Trying to “figure out” how to meet the specific person that’s going to be our life partner. Trying to figure out how to land the “dream job.”

It takes a lifetime to get to know yourself. It’s too much pressure to feel as if you have to “figure it out” because you X age. (Also, life and your wants and desires can change as you change. This is even more of a reason to find a good balance between ease and effort as you’re on your path toward creating what you want for your life.

#2 TIMING IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY (stop comparing)

 Everybody has different timing and a different path and it means NOTHING negative about you. Where you’re at is not “wrong.” It’s neutral, unless you’re putting a meaning to it, either positively or negatively. Nothing is “wrong with you if your circumstances are not like (insert whoever you’re comparing yourself too.) 

As you begin to embrace where you’re at in life and engage in your life, that’s when things will start to fall into place for you with more flow. In short, embrace what you have going on; all of it. Accept the parts that you feel good about and the parts that you do want to change.

Something interesting happens when we slip into the space of acceptance. Acceptance allows more calm and inner peace, which then allows us to act and behave differently. This, in turn, effects the results we get in life. More good things will keep happening for you as you melt into acceptance and surrender to the timing of events in your journey.

In order to BE in a more free flowing state, it’s important to let go of any controlled timeline of events that you might be anticipating. I’m not saying deny what you want. I want your desires to come true, just as you do. However, being more loose and open to how events and circumstances in your life are going to unfold will help you stay in a more positive headspace about it all.

Please, please, please be very mindful of the timelines that you put on yourself. They can cause a lot of suffering if not “in check.”

#3 LEARN TO LET GO OF THE PAST (it will hold you back if you don’t)

We all will come across people and experiences that will be hard to let go of for a multitude of reasons. It could be our attachment style that doesn’t let someone go. It could be our pain that doesn’t let us put a situation to rest. Regardless of what it is, it’s so important to do “the work” to release the past.

Think of it simply: holding onto anything you don’t need will take up space for something else to move in. When we feel stuck in our life and find ourselves constantly going back to “what was,” perhaps that’s a signal that there’s some healing to do. If you feel like you need some support in exploring your past, here’s a link for an article I wrote on Finding The “Right” Therapist for You.

#4 BE MINDFUL OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS (and the expectations that others put on you)

Truthfully, the more interesting people I know have not done it by the book. (This is not truth, it’s just my personal experience.) Spend time going down paths that you’re curious about, without stressing about what you think you “SHOULD” be doing instead. Be mindful of outside pressure that is suggesting for you to be something or someone different other than who you are. In other words, some people may want you to be certain things and live a life that’s not true for you. It takes a lot of self awareness and courage to go against these outside pressures, especially when the pressure is from people who we love. 

Be mindful of this. Be brave enough to hold onto your truth.

#5 YOU CAN MAKE $ DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE (believe it)

What???!!! Record scratch. Yup, I said it, despite what your parents might be telling you and despite what “they” say.

Repeat after me: “I can make money doing something I love.” It’s true folks, you can make a career out of something you’re passionate about, good at and enjoy. It could be a grand slam. Isn’t that mind blowing? 

Why is that so hard to believe for some of us? Here’s a thought on why this could be so:

Our experiences growing up, the culture that we were exposed to in our family of origin coupled with what we’ve been taught and believe about success will effect what we allow ourselves to go toward.

We can get caught in other people’s expectations and put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we strictly define what success and adulthood “looks” like based on our conditioning. We are a product, to a certain extent, of what we’re from and what we were taught. For worse or better. It’s really hard to strip ourselves away from any mold that we’ve been exposed too and melted into for years of our life. However, I’m here to remind you that there are MANY “outside the box” ways to become successful, no matter who is telling you anything different. Theres’ too much proof of it in our world at this point to deny that it’s possible. I’m not saying it’s going to be a cake walk to pursue your unique career path, but your journey toward creating a career you enjoy is incredibly possible. Believe it!

With intention, desire, hard work and a vision, you can create a career that feeds your soul. Success doesn’t just come within the structured career basics. It can and it does. However, if you’re being called to go “the road less traveled” career wise, trust yourself and know that you can find a creative way to make income and be fulfilled. To sum this point up; getting creative and doing things your way can pay off. 

#6 RELATIONSHIPS WILL COME & GO (and it’s natural & normal for them to do so)

Not everyone that you meet is meant to be in your life for the long haul. You could look at that as sad or upsetting and you might need to for a bit in order to properly morn the loss of some relationships that meant something to you. Although, remember that it’s true for all of us and a very normal part of life for people to come and go. It’s a very special few that make the whole journey with us. Knowing who to put your energy into at specific junctures in your life is an important skill. Also, doing your best to allow shift and change will suit you well when moving through your life and navigating through the changing times of your relationships.

Some people are incredibly important seasons. Value them for the time that you do get with them. It’s important to pay attention to the natural expiration date for some of our relationships. Surrendering to this concept and being mindful to let go of force and to allow a natural flow will help you work through the coming and going of relationships in your life.

#7 DARE TO BE DIFFERENT FROM THE CROWD (you’ll be better for it)

There’s truth around the perspective that the people who are really making waves and accomplishing incredible things in this world are true individuals. “True Individuals” meaning people who have created their own path in life and have made choices, that sometimes, could cause controversy, simply because their way is “different.”

Your voice, perspective, way of seeing the world and overall unique package is what makes you who you are. It creates the energy that the world feels and experiences of you. Being brave enough to show your authentic self to others and the world does greatly pay off if you’re courageous enough to hold that space.

Yes, it requires bravery to do this. It’s a win/win to do this and it’s worth the fight because, first and foremost, it feels amazing to openly express who you truly are without holding back. Expression because really natural and effortless when you’re not spending time worrying and anticipating “what others will think.” When there’s less blocks in the road, everything will feel better and that will be reflected in the overall result of what you create in your life. This individual way of being attracts the “right” opportunities and people to you. Like attracts like. Truth attracts truth. This is what can make life incredibly fulfilling.

Bottom line: If you’re brave enough to really show your truth, it will benefit you greatly. Dare to be different friends.

#8 GIVE LESS F’S! (you will experience much less suffering if you do so)

This is the natural next point after the latter. In order to really “do you” (boo) you have to give less credit and put less attention on who your naysayers are. Nobody in this life is going to get a green light from everyone and that’s just apart of the experience. Caring less about who doesn’t like you, for whatever reason it is that they don’t, will bring much more peace to your days. Period.

#9 LOVE HAS AN INTERESTING WAY OF FINDING YOU WHEN YOU TAP INTO SELF LOVE & ACCEPTANCE

I know, I know. We’ve heard this one 1000x: You need to love yourself before someone can love you.

When you genuinely get to a point where you have a healthy and kind relationship with your own self, that’s when your point of attraction for “big” fulfilling love has a shot at finding you.

You can attract love without a healthy level of self worth. Sure, people do it all the time. However, there’s way more room for things to go really south when you don’t tend to the most important relationship that there will ever be, which is the one between you and you.

Take the time to “get right” with yourself so you can thrive. Your ability to create rich and fulfilling relationships will also increase when your level of self love and acceptance is healthy.

#10 DON”T TAKE “ADULTING” (AND YOURSELF) TOO SERIOUSLY

Need I say more? Sometimes, we get way too serious in our role as adults and we forget how to BE light and have fun. It’s a real bummer when this happens and I’m not talking about being an irresponsible adult. I’m actually talking about being a balanced adult where you know when it’s time to step up and tend to your responsibilities balanced with knowing when to let loose and laugh. Laugh at yourself and with others.

Sit at the kids table. Go down the water slide. Jump on the trampoline. Make funny faces. See what joy you can tap back into when you just loosen up and don’t take yourself so seriously.

#11 IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK HOW YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD (and that’s not bad)

I remember my 20 year old self having it all figured out. I’m going to marry him, live there, do that as a career and have x amount of kids or dogs or houses or friends or……you get what I’m throwing down?

In a nutshell, I’ve NEVER come across a friend, acquaintance or client who has told me that their life looks exactly as they thought it would. Not saying it doesn’t exist, but if it does it’s a rarity and could be a sign that you played it really safe and within the lines of your comfort zone. Just saying.

Life is unpredictable and when you’re really living it and allowing it to take the lead it will not look as you thought it would. it just won’t. It will be bigger, louder and have less limits than you thought.

It. Just. Will.

Well, that’s that. I hope that spoke to you and gets you inspired to keep your heart, perspective and your eyes open so you can be present and make the most of this journey called LIFE. Cheers friend.

*Above image is from San Diego based photographer, Renata Amazonas taken @villapalomajoshuartree

Happiness (Tips Toward Feeling More Fulfilled)

Disappointment is a feeling I really struggle with. I don’t like feeling it; who does?

Yet, I realize and believe that our emotions act as messengers, trying to awaken us with insights and truths. With a recent disappointment under my belt, I was called to do some inner searching in order to find some perspective.

In my heart of hearts, I know that there’s something for me to grow and learn from because of my strong discomfort of disappointment. I realize that I’m not alone here, after all, why would anyone want to be disappointed? I’ll go out on a limb by saying that I don’t think many of us do.

This blog post was inspired by a youtube talk with Tony Robbins who laid out a helpful way to look at the concepts of happiness and expectations. Click the link to listen to the talk, if desired. I’ll do my best to paraphrase and hopefully pass on some perspective to you that I found helpful.

The feeling of unhappiness is a result of believing that your life is not where it should be.

If you think you should be in an intimate relationship, and you’re single you will feel unfulfilled.

If you think you should have a different financial situation then you do, you will feel disappointed.

If you think you should be further along in your career than you are, you will feel lack.

If you think a friend should respond to you any differently than they’re responding you will be frustrated.

Bottom line is that anytime in life you think something should look differently than it actually appears or shows up to be, you will experience disappointment.

Boom. It’s that simple.

We all tend to have an area or areas in our life that we struggle with. It can be our health, relationships, career, family life, financials, etc. Whenever any of these areas don’t meet the expectations that we put on them we will feel anything from discomfort to total pain and suffering. It depends on how far off our expectation is from how something or someone has panned out to be.

What can make matters worse for us is when we feel like we have no control over our current circumstance. Feeling like there’s nothing that we can do to change our mind space or actual external circumstance will really push us over the edge and leave us stuck and disappointed.

Although here’s the reality………..

Friends, there’s always something that can be done to find a more happy state. This is so easy to forget, especially when an event or period of life feels so permanent, stagnant and disappointing. Please remember this especially when you’re stuck and can’t find a way out.

A way out is always there, you just can’t see it yet when you’re in it. Believe this.

If that’s what unhappy is, then what’s happy? Let’s now turn toward the light.  

The feeling of happy shows up when your external life matches how you think it should look.

When your health is where you believe it should be given your expectations, you will feel content with that area of your life. 

If your career is going how you believe it should and you’re making the amount of money you believe you should, you’ll feel good about that area of your life. 

The bottom line is that any area of your life that’s going as you believe it should based on your expectations of how you believe it should be, will bring you feelings of satisfaction.

Knowing what constitutes happiness and unhappiness is a huge advantage because our awareness around these concepts will help us to feel more confident about changing our state when we feel stuck.

Thanks to Tony Robbins, here’s some awesome and straight to the point feedback about how to cope when life doesn’t meet our expectations. You can either:

Change your story of how you believe your life should look. (Change your perspective.)

Change your life, meaning take an action and do something to externally change your life.

Usually change and the road to feeling more content requires a bit of both. Another concept to think about is that we humans have a tendency to think that we know what needs to be happen in order to feel good about our life. The reality is that we don’t always know the exact ingredients or path toward our idea of happy. Proof of this comes in the form of the person who appears to have it all, yet remains unhappy about their life.

Life is not logical. You can’t figure it out by thinking it out. You have to get out there and live it. There’s no exact and direct path toward your unique happy, but you’ll find it if you keep adventuring.

When you stay in the game, life will surprise you if you allow it too.

All in all, this is such a rich topic and my hope is that the above has helped you think about your own life and expectations that may be blocking you from feeling more joy. It’s amazing what a perspective shift can do. Often, when you change your perspective your awareness heightens and you become more in tune with the inspired action to take that will lead you to make a change for the better.

Keep looking. You will find your happy as you keep your head in the game of life.

• Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson.