Lately I’ve noticed a lethal combination: people pleasing coupled with the fear of speaking the truth. This double whammy can leave us totally stripped of who we are. If we’re constantly navigating life with the need to ensure that everyone else is pleased and happy with us, overtime, we will become detached from what we stand for. There’s just no way that our truth will consistently match up with what others expect or want from us. Learning how to turn down the volume of outside expectations and pressures while gaining the skill of speaking up and saying what’s true will change who and what comes our way.
The reality is that whatever treatment or behavior we continue to tolerate is what’s going to continue to show up. Currently, I’m sending out vibes in order to attract relationships that are trustworthy, consistent and reliable. Meaning that I want people in my life that call when they say they will, show up when they say they will and are overall accountable. (I’m aware that I need to BE this if I’m expecting it to show up. )
I believe that life is always testing us in quirky, small and large ways. Recently, I feel LIFE calling me to use my voice. I can confidently say that my younger self didn’t want to stir the pot. I was the peace keeper and wanted everything to be chill and okay. Like “Can’t we all just get along already.”
With that being said, what I’m realizing is that it takes vulnerability to say what’s up and express my truth. I'm noticing that, expressing my truth is especially uncomfortable in situations where I’m asking for more in relationships. Meaning, I want to see that person more, have more interaction from them and feel more connection with them. For whatever combination of reasons, I suppose the fear of speaking up comes down to rejection and feeling unwanted. I have a tendency to “play it cool,” even when the situation or reaction from another is not cool. Old habits die hard.
When people don’t know that I’m hurt or feeling kinda sh$tty because of what’s going on in a relationship, nothing can change because nothing is being addressed. When nothing changes, I will remain perpetually hurt because the same behavior goes around and around, continuing to send me the inner message that: I'm not that important.
Logically, I know this is not true, but at times my mind can twist reality and make it feel true.
This habit of playing it cool and not speaking the truth because of fear of rejection is my work. Getting beyond this fear is essential in order for me to have the kind of relationships that I want. I will own that. My practice is going to look a little something like this: The next time I feel “blown off” in a relationship that I care about, I’m working to intentionally use my voice instead of playing the cool girl. Rather than saying “No worries, It’s all good, I totally understand” (when it’s not) my new practice is to say what’s really in my heart. This will go something more like this, “Actually I’ve been feeling pretty bummed that I’ve been reaching out and haven’t heard back from you.”
As basic as this all seems, it’s the little changes that we make toward honoring ourself that change our lives. Little by little, small change by small change, dynamics and relationships will change. I can’t tell you what that change will look like, but if the change stems from following your truth, you're on the right track.
I see this all the time with my clients; big change comes via small consistent choices toward their truth.
Use that authentic voice of yours. Positive confrontation is a real thing, another term for it is called healthy communication. This kind of communication is necessary in order to have close connections, so join me with going toward just that. Cheers.
* This image was taken near Mount Laguna.