Reality Check (Tips to Center You on the Truth)
One of our biggest set back’s as humans is getting fooled by and caught up in our version of reality (our “story”) vs. actual reality (the “truth.”)
One of the consistent issues that I see with people (yes, I do this too) is how we can get caught up in stories and assumptions about others and our life events that simply aren’t true. We stress out, get emotional, panic and have anxiety about things that, you guessed it, that aren’t true.
It’s like waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and having to slap yourself back into consciousness while convincing yourself that your dream was “just a dream.” It wasn’t real; it was just a nightmare of your fear coming to life.
When we continuously twist facts into stories we begin to confuse what’s real and what’s false. This is so because as our stories catch momentum, they become incredibly believable. As we whirl in the confusion of being unable to decipher facts from stories, we end up responding based on the story of what we believe to be happening vs. what’s really happening.
As you could’ve guessed it, this is where problems arise.
Are you with me? I hope so. Let’s continue.
It’s like getting really fired up about the friend whose late because you’re in your head (your story) about how they "don’t value your time.” (Assumption and potential “false belief”) Come to find out that they were in a car accident on the way to your house, which is why they were late.
The point of the above example is to show how we can be so convinced that we “know” what’s going on in a situation or with a person. I’ve seen clients in tears and at rock bottom emotionally over a situation that simply wasn’t true. It’s important, even when we think we know, to take a step back until we are solid about the facts of any given situation.
Let’s answer these questions:
How do I identify a story?
How do I know what’s true and what’s a made up projection of my fear?
I got you. Here are some tips around how to identify stories from facts.
Stories usually start with:
I think that…..
He/She probably…..
He/she must have……..
I bet that……..
If you take a hot minute to check out the semantics of the above phrases, they all present as assumptions. Becoming more savvy at separating facts from assumptions will help you greatly. Facts are, well facts. There’s no room for a story with facts. They tend to be shorter semantically. They tend to sound less exciting (unless you put story to them.)
However you’re twisting and turning your life events is going to dictate your reality. It’s not so much about what happens to you in your life, it’s more about your response to it.
I understand how that can raise some red flags…”Kim, what do you mean it doesn’t matter what happens? Of course it does!”
Hear me out, friend.
YES, what you do and what happens matters in terms of the fact that it’s going to affect you. Life events can teach you, shape you, push you down or help you grow. Where what happens to you takes you has a lot to do with you and this is the really important piece to focus on here.
Two people can experience the same exact event and one can go down hill and lose their sense of worth, while another person can find a silver lining and evolve into a better person.
This proves that we do have control around how our life events shape us and define us. We’re not victims to our lives, unless we make that so. Although, I know that it can really feeeeeeeeeeel like it sometimes, especially when circumstances are difficult to wrap our heads around. It’s hard not to feel like a victim when life really dishes you a tough serve, which is where the work is.
I know I’ve watched a man lose his wife of 40 plus years, (the love of his life, mind you) grieve, move forward and create another love story for himself. I’ve also watched a woman lose her childhood sweetheart and “that was that” for her in terms of a love life. Similar realities and completely different outcomes.
I’ve see people who have come from amazing families and opportunities that are struggling to find happiness, meaning, purpose, and a desire to keep on going.
I’ve seen people come from abuse, families with little support and validation, which, ironically, happened to be the key ingredient which allowed them to grow and evolve beyond. Of course there are situations that turn out differently, it’s not black and white. My point is that we’re more in control by deciding what to do with our circumstances rather than by what happens to us.
This is good news, but some of us sink in it because it requires us to own our circumstances. Meaning, take responsibility for our own choices and make decisions for our own life. This can be really challenging when we feel stuck. When we feel lost in all the choices.
Haven’t you ever wanted someone to just do it or figure it out for you? I know I have. I’ve noticed that this feeling is most apparent with the more lost, confused and helpless I feel. It’s that “help me!” feeling.
As I’ve said it before and will keep saying it, nobody and nothing from the outside has your answer. When confusion is over taking you, it’s time to get quiet and dig deep within.
To sum this little ditty up, I’m going to remind you to practice focusing on facts. Every time your clever little mind wants to create some interesting, tangled version of the truth, please grab the reins and pull that brain of yours back to the facts of any given situation.
A fact is a fact. It’s simple. It’s clear. It’s often not “wordy.” Living a life where you’re rooted in the truth of what’s occurring around you and to you will help you make better decisions in your life as it allows you to see more clearly.
As always, if you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate you.
Never hesitate to send me a DM on instagram for topic suggestions or just to say hello! My INSTAGRAM
Also, if you haven’t yet, feel free to check out my YOUTUBE channel. I’m working on videos and content that will be helpful for you. Feel free to let me know if there’s a particular issue/topic that you would like to hear more about.
Cheers!
*Above image is by Renata Amazonas, photographer and creator of @honeyandgarden.
Inner Child Work (What it is & How to Connect to Your Inner Child)
ln the world of psychology talk of the “inner child” may sound intimidating or “a bit too “woo- woo” for some. Especially for those of us not familiar with this kind of language. If this is the case for you, bare with me. I’m going to break this subject down in a way where you can understand it and, perhaps, even use it to enhance your personal growth.
Below is a mini Q & A for you to gain more understanding on the topic of the inner child.
Here. We. Go……
Q: I hear the term “inner child” thrown around in the world of psychology/self help. What does that even mean?
The term “inner child” often refers to the part of you that can be holding onto past pains, hurts, traumas and emotional distress that’s affecting your ability to function and make healthy choices, whether it’s conscious or not, in your present life.
It’s suggested that if you have a “wounded” past self within, this part of self will “act out” that pain within your adult life and relationships. When our inner child is holding onto past pain and without peace, we can find ourselves, in the present, making choices from that hurt place within .
The thought behind inner child work is that once the “old wound” is addressed and healed, we will no longer have the unconscious pull for our pain from the past to show up in our present. Think of a physical wound and it’s healing process. If a deep cut was never taken care of it’s going to look physically different years later than if it was properly tended to and addressed at the time of injury. So is the same with our emotional pain. You can’t visibly see emotional pain, so it can go under the radar and be dismissed if we’re not attentive to it.
Q: Some people might be a little skeptical about the idea of an inner child. Can everyone get in touch with their inner child if they choose?
Absolutely! Everyone whose open to exploring the relationship with their inner child can connect with this aspect of themselves. With that said, individuals that have skepticism around whether this part of them exists, would need to do some work on increasing their belief and unblocking the resistance around this concept in order to fully “go there.” Generally speaking, resistance is a common barrier that needs to be released in order to dive into an area of life or self that has blockage or disbelief.
Areas where we have blocks or resistance, usually, are the areas where there’s inner work to be done. It reminds me of the saying: “Go Toward Your Fear.”
The truth is, it often takes discomfort to grow.
When things are comfortable it presents no motivation for us to change or challenge our situation.
Q: What are some of the ways your inner child might show up in your life? (Both, Positive & Negative)
Situations that trigger intense emotions tend to awaken our inner child or “old wounds.” Look for areas of discomfort, helplessness, fear, anxiety, a lack of control and grief. Generally, keep your eye out for situations that bring up resistance and a high emotional response. Look for a response that doesn’t align with the emotional intensity of the event. For example, getting enraged about something that most would consider trivial; I’ll use the cliche: “Crying over spilled milk."
For a healthy reference point, emotions usually tend to “match” the level of intensity of a situation. When there’s a misalignment, meaning that the reaction is way bigger than the event calls for, it’s important to take a look at that in order to identify what could be coming up for you.
Q: What beginning strategies might you recommend to someone hoping to do some inner child healing?
Healing this part of self can be ignited with activities that connect and engage you toward your inner child.
What does that look like? For example, it can be really helpful to spend some time looking at pictures of yourself from childhood.
Why? By doing so, we can tap back into the emotional space of the time where that image was taken. It’s the same with scents, places we have nostalgia for, songs, sentimental/significant people. Have you ever smelt something and it literally transported you emotionally back to a place? (Yes, right?! This is what I’m talking about.)
Visualizations are great too. Visualizations allow you to tap into a mental place where you can visit your inner child as the adult you are now. As adults, we have tools and perspectives that we didn’t have as kids. As we bring our maturity and healthy perspectives to our younger self in this safe mental space, we can potentially “reframe” the event where there was pain and even trauma.
Tending to old wounds that were never fully healed is the pathway to a more balanced and healthy self.
(Advisory: Some individuals might have severe trauma around their past, and in those cases, it’s important to seek the guidance of a well trained professional. Doing so will help you have support and introduce you to coping strategies as you face difficult past emotions where professional support may be essential.)
Q: Any guidance on finding the right type of therapist to explore inner child work with?
All licensed therapists are trained to support this type of work. However, some therapists can have more experience and training with inner child work than others. I recommend asking questions to any potential therapist as to what their experience is with this topic when looking for a therapist to support your growth and healing. Also, therapists that are trained to do EMDR is great for trauma healing.
Reflecting on your past self in order to release emotions that can be weighing you down, is a process that can provide you with healing that can leave you feeling lighter and more at peace. Growth requires you to try on different ways of doing things. Acknowledging and checking in with your inner child can provide you with insight that can support your healing. If you’re called to doing this work, give it a go.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
I collaborated with Healthline on this topic a- Check out that post here.
Find another great resource to help point you toward inner child work here.
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
* Blog Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
3 Reasons Why Saying NO Needs to Be Apart of Your Self Love Practice
Practicing discernment and saying “No” is a solid way to build trust with yourself. What you spend your energy doing results in what your life looks and feels like. Allowing ourselves to say “No” when invites aren’t pulling at our heart strings communicates major self respect, to us and to others. Not everything is for us and it’s okay to be selective with our time.
I’m not sure that we hear this enough.
So often we can feel guilty and “bad” for not saying “yes” because we don’t want to “disappoint” or “let down” others. The irony is that we’re letting down ourselves every time we put someone’s wants ahead of ours. In hopes of getting you to where you want to go in this life, I’ve shared 3 reasons why it’s imperative for you to be selective and say “No” to people, places and things that aren’t calling you.
1. Saying NO Gives You the Space That You Need to Press the Reset Button, Gain Clarity and Renew
Having time to slow down, reconnect with yourself and pause is an absolute must if you’re looking to live a life that’s true to you. As noisy as it is when you’re in a crowded room where it’s hard to hear the conversation right in front of you, it’s just as difficult for us to hear ourselves when we’re “too busy” and non stop. Saying “No” is what provides us with the time and space to gain back our energy and process what’s coming at us on the daily.
2. Saying NO Allows You to Weed Out Experiences That Don’t Match Up With Who You Want to Become
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re actually saying “Yes” to something else. I’ve witnessed how some believe that in order to say “No” to an invite or obligation there needs to be a reason for the decline.
Let me tell you something, please take this in:
You do NOT need to have any plans on the books or any other prior obligation made for saying “NO” to be legit. You can say “No” just because. Period.
You don’t need an excuse or reason to say no. You can say no because you’re just not feeling it. Honoring what you want vs. what you think you “should” do is a very powerful way to communicate to your own self that you value your energy, being and time. It’s okay if something isn’t calling you. You don’t “have” to do everything that you’re asked to do. This might be so obvious, yet it’s been pretty interesting to witness so many people struggling to say “No” within my practice.
As you ditch thinking that you need a reason to say No, you simultaneously build more trust with yourself. Every time we make choices that align with our true essence we grow that inner trust muscle. (Yes, we all have one, you included.) Allow yourself the gift of listening to the kind of day you had or the mood you’re in to dictate what choices you make when you do, in fact, have the choice. That’s a very strong message of self respect to all, the Universe included.
3. Saying “NO” Enhances Your Level of Self Worth
By using boundaries to respect your needs, desires and wants you cultivate more self worth. More self worth leads to more of all the good things in life. It really is one big spiderweb effect when it comes down to it.
I can say this until I’m blue in the face, but here I go again:
People respect people who respect themselves.
One of the most empowering things that you can do for yourself is to lead a life where you have established healthy and respectable boundaries. Having boundaries, as I’ve seen it, is one of the main paths toward seriously up leveling your level of self worth, which up levels your life.
Cheers friends. Honor your beautiful self. You deserve to do what calls you without guilt or shame. There’s a way to respect other’s and also respect yourself as you practice your boundaries and say YES to what feels right.
Above image by Wedding & Lifestyle Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up)
Hello to all of you beautiful people. I hope this post finds you well.
I recently collaborated with HEALTHLINE for this post on the topic of forgiveness.
Forgiveness could be a really difficult topic for some. After all, some of us believe that forgiving someone requires us to accept that what was done is “okay.”
This is not so.
When we forgive, we’re actually doing so, first and foremost, for our own wellness and peace of mind.
Without forgiveness we can get stuck in hard and painful emotions that, if not processed and let go of, can strip us of our joy and weigh us down.
If you’re curious to read more about this topic and my take on it, below is a link to the full post.
Enjoy.
How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up)
*Above image is by Wedding & Lifestyle Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Ready to Ditch Vaping? 9 Tips for Success
Image provided by healthline
For those of you that might be struggling to kick a bad habit, you might find the HEALTHLINE article where I’m featured helpful. Although this article is specific to ditching the habit of vaping, my feedback is relevant toward removing any bad habit from your life.
Check out the full blog post below.
How to Work From Home with Kids
Image provided by havenlife.com
To all my friends, clients and dear sweet people that are loosing their minds trying to “wrangle in” the kiddies while working from home.
First thing I want to say is, you got this. I know, it might not feel like it, but you do.
My feedback on how to find some sort of structure and peace when working from home is featured in the below blog by Haven Life. I know that we’re all trying to adjust and find some sort of normalcy in a situation that is changing our usual.
Cheers to all of you. Wishing you stability, calmed nerves and good vibes in your homes.
Article link below:
Want to Feel Better About Your Life? (12 Perspectives to Ditch)
In with the new and out with the old as this year begins. Why Let Go? Well, letting go and shedding what doesn’t serve you will create space for new habits to kick in so you can grow and thrive.
Below are 12 tips on what you can let go of in order to show up with more light and love in the New Year.
For the record, letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care. Letting go is a practice to cultivate in order to avoid unnecessary suffering and harm.
Here we go….
Let go of Believing That The Grass is Greener
Waiting until that certain something happens in your life in order to be happy is such a falsehood. If you’re not happy now, that desired thing might bring you joy at first, but it’s only a matter of time that the truth will prevail and an unsupported foundation will start to show its cracks. You have to learn to like your life now. (I know, I know, hang in there for a second with me on this) Finding ways to be grateful now and finding acceptance for your current circumstances now will help you practice your happy muscle and build momentum that will push you toward what you desire. (That was wordy, but true) As you practice this, what you’re dreaming about has the space to come to you with more ease and on a bigger scale because it’s not battling your resistance.
Let go of Resentment
Let me say it simply, resentment is a hot mess. It negatively taints your energy and gives off bad vibes. You have every right to have all your feelings about any situation that’s causing resentment, however getting a grip on your resentment and working toward turning it into something productive is a win/win. Be mindful of when you're leading with resentment. It’s a bad look.
Let go of Fear
Fear is what stops so many people from doing that thing that could potentially create a lot of positive change and transformation. Get in tune with your fear. Get acquainted with your fear. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to tolerate it in order to get past it.
People that look “fearless” have established a positive relationship with their fear. So, it’s not that they’re “fearless,” it’s more that they’re able to feel their fear and proceed forward regardless of it being in the room with them.
Fear is in the back seat, not the drivers seat. They step toward what’s scary, not away from it.
Hone the skill of sitting with your fear while carrying on with challenging yourself so you can continue to grow and live big. Easier said than done, I know; Yet when you continue to practice this, facing fear will become more of your habit and less intimidating.
Let go of the Need to Please Others
Babes, babes, babes, please be careful of allowing other peoples opinion of you define you. Putting your value and sense of worth in any one else’s hands is not a good habit. You, my love, are the only one who has the authority to decide who you are and what is working (or not working) for you. Considering a respected source’s feedback can be really constructive, but taking another’s opinion of you as your truth is not advised. Learning to cultivate the skill of listening to yourself and valuing your opinion is one of the most beneficial things you can do for your life.
Let go of the Need to Control Other People and Circumstances
Let’s get real. Nobody wants to be controlled or told what to do. We didn’t like it as kids and we sure don’t like it as adults. Especially, more so, for my buddies out there who walk to the beat of their own drum. (Respect, because that’s hard to do.)
Be aware of when you’re in a pattern of believing that you know what’s best for another. There’s a way to be supportive without trying to fix, control a result or another. Looking at your relationship with control can greatly serve you.
Let go of Perfectionism
This is going to be short and sweet. Are you ready?
Perfect. Doesn’t. Exist.
Chasing perfection will always lead you to feel defeated because it’s unattainable. What’s perfect today may or may not be perfect tomorrow. This is so because things are always changing. Allow for things to change and shift without trying to keep it “perfect.” (Whatever that means.)
Let go of Your Mistakes (Regret)
You are meant to make mistakes. Mistake help you to learn & grow.
Please repeat: “I am meant to make mistakes. Mistake help me to learn & grow.”
Please value and learn from your mistakes. When you stay stuck in the past because of regret you’re creating more harm than good. If you’re carrying on with your life making no sort of mishap, then you’re being too careful.
Mistakes get a bad wrap. Change your relationships to how you define your “mistakes” in your life and you won’t be so scared to carry on in the present. This shift will allow you more space to go after what you want. Accept that you’re meant to slip up from time to time. After all, you’re human.
Let go of Self Doubt
Self doubt is a really bad habit. Everyone outside of you is treating you based on how you see yourself. If you think you can do it, other’s will believe you can do it. If you think you can’t do it, others will believe that you can’t do it.
It’s pretty straight up.
Your thoughts about your ability to get a hold of an issue in your life is a major factor in creating the end result. We’re creating our lives based on what we believe we’re capable of, for better or for worse. Believe in yourself because if you don’t other people will struggle to as well.
Let go of Being Black & White & All or None (Rigid)
Being rigid is a sure fire way to miss out on opportunities and joy. Some things might be a straight forward “Yes” or “No.” I honor that. However, as life will have it, many things are grey until they become clear. Be flexible and willing to see different perspectives in order to leave room for people, places and things to surprise you.
Let go of Non Intentional Reactions
In other words: Watch your impulse control. So many issues can be avoided by pausing a little longer than usual before you take action or speak your mind. There’s a time and a place to go for it and think quickly or have witty banter. However, learning when a situation calls for reflection and thought is an art that will benefit you.
Let go of Judgement and Self Criticism
Judgement is such a big road block to happiness. Judgement fogs our ability to see things for what and how they actually are. Reflect on your relationship with judgement. The truth is that the level at which you judge yourself is aligned with your level of judgment toward others. Nobody wants to be judged. It feels rejecting and it’s not a productive tool toward evoking positive change (or gaining friends.)
Let go of Your Timeline
A delay is not a denial. I’m not sure who coined that one, but the truth is that just because what you want is not happening now, doesn’t mean that it’s never going to happen. This is a tricky one because we want what we want and we want it now. When we can’t logically see or mentally figure out how something is going to pan out and appear, it’s hard to believe that it will eventually exist. Letting go of the timeline in which we think and believe that things should and ought to happen for us is really difficult for some of us, especially those of us that live a life in high control.
Practicing concepts such as trust, faith & healthy perspective will help you better cope with the uncertainty that life will bring. If we don’t utilize those virtues, we will be left feeling disappointed and frustrated about how we believe our life is playing out.
Trust life, it’s smarter than you.
Cheers to you shedding what there’s no need for. As you do, it’s only natural for good things to surface that will support your growth and bring more enjoyment into your world. Now, get after it!
*Above image was taken by wedding & lifestyle photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How To Stop Loving Someone
If there’s one thing in life that can provoke us to feel utterly gutted;, it’s heartbreak my friends. I teamed up with Healthline for this article. Discover how to untangle your heart strings when it appears that your relationship has run its course.
*Image by lifestyle & wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Getting Over A Crush On Someone Who’s Unavailable
Having a crush on someone can be a playful and fun experience. Although, when you’re crushing on someone whose not crushing on you back, that can lead to feelings of rejection and disappointment.
My thoughts on the topic are featured throughout this Healthline article. Enjoy.
How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are a major buzz word in the world of self help. It’s one of those words that we’ve probably heard, knowing that we’re “suppose to” have them, but what are good boundaries really?
We’re told to have boundaries, but how to you get them?
Having boundaries is a topic that comes up in some way, shape or form with every client that comes my way. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our ability to have healthy boundaries correlates with how happy and fulfilled we will feel in our relationships and, ultimately, our lives.
Wherever you are in your relationship with boundaries, I’m going to speak a bit about the topic because I feel it’s a game changer to live a life where your boundaries are clear and strong.
As you increase your boundaries you’ll, consequently, up level your overall feeling of happiness and decrease your stress load. This is so because the side effect of having no boundaries leaves us in a consistent rhythm of running around trying to please others while denying our needs. With that said, we each have our own unique relationship with boundaries and it will benefit us to have more knowing around this hot topic.
So, lets get right to it and start evaluating where we are in terms of our relationship with boundaries.
What Exactly Are Boundaries?
Boundaries represent our ability to honor our needs and wants regardless of others expectations of us. Simply put, it’s saying “No” when someone wants us to say “Yes.” It’s drawing a line when we feel like our healthy needs and wants are being ignored or compromised by another’s request.
How Do We Show Up When We Don’t Have Boundaries?
In short; not good, but since that’s not a helpful-slash-professional answer, let me go further.
We people please
We self sacrifice
We look to please others more than pleasing ourselves
We quickly ditch our needs to tend to others needs
We say “Yes” when we actually mean “No”
We take responsibility for what’s not ours
We are Passive Aggressive (Because we are doing things we don’t really want to do)
So, with that said……
Why Don’t We Have Boundaries?
Meaning, why in the world would we do this to ourselves? Why would we actively choose to run around pleasing everyone but ourselves? Honoring others needs at the expense of denying or rejecting ours?
Why Would We Do This!?
There’s lots of reasons why we might be struggling to have clear boundaries within our lives and relationships. Sometimes it’s because we hate conflict and are scared to say “No.” Sometimes it’s because we never learned about boundaries within our family of origins and got thrown out into the world trying to understand why we often get “taken advantage of” or “walked over.”
Side note: Those of us with none or weak boundaries will be a victim of these behaviors.
Let me make a statement that’s so important to remember, perhaps it can be your new mantra….
Repeat after me:
People respect people who respect themselves.
The reality is, even though we will feel uncomfortable laying down boundaries for ourselves, especially if we haven’t done so in the past, clear and consistent boundaries will improve our lives. Straight up. People might not like our boundaries, but they will respect us more for putting them up. Why? Because having boundaries is telling the world that we honor ourselves.
It’s saying:
“Yo, I care about me and I’m going to say no when something doesn’t feel right because I honor myself.”
Whether the person on the receiving end agrees with your boundaries or not, should not be your point of focus. A healthy point of focus when implementing boundaries is to anchor on the fact that you’re making a self serving choice that’s communicating to others how much you care about you. (Most importantly, it’s communicating to YOU that you care about you.) This, in turn, will teach others how to treat you, as that’s what we’re always doing via our actions. (Whether we’re conscious of it or not.)
Which leads to the second mantra I have for you:
I’m teaching others how to treat me by how I’m treating myself.
Great! So now that we have awareness around what boundaries are and how important it is to cultivate them, below is a list of 5 tips on how to start acquiring boundaries. These can be helpful regardless of where you are within your unique process of boundary setting.
How Do You Get Boundaries If You Have None? (5 Tips)
1. Get In Tune With What You Need
HOW: Taking time for yourself will increase the volume on your inner, intuitive self. As the noise decreases and we give ourselves time and space, we often can come to a place of greater clarity. This clarity will help us to see new perspectives and, ultimately, lead us to grow.
2. Honor Your Needs by Taking Positive Action
HOW: Little choice by little choice is how big change occurs. If you commit to taking small actions consistently, you will notice an overall shift in your life.
3. Watch Overdoing Yourself and the Over Compensation Of Your Time and Energy
HOW: Look for the virtue of reciprocation within your relationships. Healthy relationships have an organic balance to them. It’s not “tit for tat,” it’s just a flow. Watch your old patterns of over giving and eliminate subjecting yourself from taking on more than you can handle. BALANCE is your focal point with this one.
4. Find Coping for the Guilt & Discomfort That Arises As You Honor Your Boundaries
HOW: Remind yourself that establishing and holding your boundaries is how you respect yourself. In the long run, leading with this way of functioning will produce a more positive outcome. (In the short term, it may be gut wrenchingly hard, but please hang in there) Having boundaries is a win/win. As the guilt and discomfort appears with saying “No,” practice sitting with this emotion by allowing it to be there. (Hey guilt, what’s up?) It sounds simple, but it’s a practice that will take some time. As you put attention to this practice, over time, the guilty feelings will weaken and you’ll be able to make healthy choices without so much discomfort.
5. Get Used To Taking Up Space
HOW: Watch your ability to over apologize. Be mindful of your habit of comparing yourself to others with the false story that someone is “better” than you. So untrue my friend. Practice being in a room with an open heart and standing rooted in who you are. Allow your voice to be heard and your words to be expressed. Take up some dang space please. Know that you’re worthy of it.
There can be some relationships that we find more challenging to hold our boundaries with than others. This is common. The truth is that some relationships are going to fall away as we set a healthy framework for ourselves. This can be really hard, although, hang in there because any relationship that prefers you to constantly “do” for them is not a relationship that is going to build you up. Boundaries shine the truth on relationships. The truth can hurt, although it’s better to see it than pretend and deny reality.
People that care about us are going to understand and respect our boundaries/ They may not like them, but they’ll understand and adjust accordingly.
I’m going to say that again: The people who genuinely love us are going to be able to adjust to our new and healthy boundaries. The relationships that aren’t willing to meet you half way will fall away. Trust this process.
Gaining and implementing boundaries within your life is a skill set that will forever benefit you. Honor yourself in this life by having clarity around what your boundaries are and having the courage to stand strong beside them.
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.
Feel free to SUBSCRIBE to my channel.
Be The Love That You Want to Attract
The way toward what we desire is to become what we’re looking for. If we can embody and exude what we want to attract, we’ll become a natural magnet for it.
NO BIGGIE, RIGHT?
Easier said than done, I get it.
There’s so many things that get in the way of keeping it that simple. We have resistance, excuses and all the reasons that validate why it’s so hard to find or get what we want. It ‘s hard to see the light with all the blocks in our way. Although, as excuses get combated with truth and as resistance gets cut with acceptance the noise will clear. Once this clean up is done, there are less excuses and distractions which make it easier to break bad habits that are holding us back from what we desire. This leaves room to focus on what truly lights us up. When we’re walking around all bright and shiny in our life, the things that we desire have a mysterious way of appearing.
Just. Like. That.
I’ll further explain…..
As the Law Of Attraction is constantly at play with the notion that like attracts like, we’re always attracting the people, events and situations who match our energy and overall vibe. This can be borderline annoying to hear because, after all, why would we want to call in people, places and things that we don’t want? Obviously, this is unconscious and it’s an energetic thing. We’ll always be attracting like minded energy to us as we’re attracting what we’re a match for. This is so regardless of if you believe in this notion of the Law of Attraction or not. It’s just the science of life.
SO, WHAT DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH ATTRACTING LOVE?
Often, when it comes to love and relationships, we have specific qualities that we prioritize as we seek our love partners. Kind, yes. Witty, yup. Hot, definitely doesn’t hurt. Active, no couch potatoes please. Open hearted, a must. Trustworthy, heck yeah. I can go on and on about “the list” of qualities that we may or may not have gathered up once upon a time.
So, the million dollar question remains……
HOW DO WE ATTRACT THE LOVE IN OUR LIVES THAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR?
WAIT FOR IT………..DRUMROLL……..
BE WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT
Through our choices, which dictate our actions and behaviors we’re either becoming more of who we want to be (Heading toward our most truth based self) or molding into a lesser version of who we want to be. (Pulling away from our ideal self.)
The one thing that we all have in common is that our lives are unfolding under the same moon, sun and stars. What we do with our time is dictating our lives.
What we do in the present effects who we meet, the perspectives we expose ourselves too and what we experience.
SO, HOW DOES THIS CONNECT TO OUR LOVE LIFE & ATTRACTING A PARTNER?
In order to attract and attain what we’re looking for it’s essential to be in the same playing field as what we desire. For example, If you’re looking for someone athletic, the first thing to assess is if you’re living an athletic lifestyle. Do you do the things that athletic people do? Do you consistently care about and put energy toward your physical health? Are you involved with athletic past times? Take a moment to pause and honestly think about these questions.
It’s easy to “just assume” that you’re healthy and athletic, although sometimes it’s important to take a moment to be honest and introspective with yourself about how you define yourself and if the reality of who you currently are matches the truth of who you currently are.
Look at the current you, not the five years ago you. Be mindful about leading with your past self, “I used to be a swimmer,” well, are you still a person who swims? Sometimes we’re still defining ourselves based on who we used to be, not on the truth of who we currently are. Stay present.
I know there’s been times of my life, when I’ve identified myself as a healthy person, although, if i look back on past behaviors, the truth is, I wasn’t treating my body so great at times. It reminds me of the green juice during the week and drinking a bit much on the weekends kinda vibe. Bottom line: Don’t fool yourself. Looking clearly at the truth and having the courage to swallow it will always push you back into balance.
IS YOUR LOVE SWITCH ON OR OFF?
It’s one thing to say that you your heart is open to love, although your behaviors, actions and your energy have to match your words. Stating that you’re open for intimate partnership has to be in alignment with the actual energetic vibe that you’re giving off.
Regardless of what you’re saying, your vibe is screaming either “available and open” or “closed down for biz.”
I like to say that your light switch is either OFF or ON in the love department. It’s either bright in the room or as dark as can be friends. Personally, I get a feeling when my lights are off or shutting down. This state of system shut down (heart space off) usually appears after a romantic disappointment. The best way that I know how to describe it is that it’s an inner knowing and feeling that my heart is tight, blocked and feels closed as it goes into self protective mode. This gives off distant and unavailable energy, for sure. When my heart space is closed off, that’s a signal that I have to do “all the things” to get my heart energy cleared out and back on track. (Although that’s another blog post.)
Bottom line: Your future partner has to have his/her love switch on and you do too in order to match up and attract one another.
WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?
How you think and the perspectives that you live your life by will be attracting you toward or away from your ideal mate. If you want someone that is glass half full and sunny side up energy, you have to align with that frame of mind. Pretending to be a positive person is very different than actually being a positive person. Your behavior has to be organic for a truth based connection to develop. No pretending here. Remember, the truth will always prevail. Starting a partnership on a foundation that is not authentic will eventually crash and burn in some way, shape or form. Someone whose positive is going to look for a partner whom can compliment their positivity. Take time to think about what kind of attitude and approach to life you desire and investigate how you’re currently operating in that realm.
It’s really all about living and showing up in the way that you personally find attractive. If you start doing, saying and being what you’re looking for, it’s truly just a matter of time that people, places and things will show up to match the energy that you’re putting out. This is a practice. So, just like any other skill you’re setting out to learn, be patient and gentle with yourself. Take the time to really cultivate and hone in the attitudes, actions and ways of life that you’re shooting for. You got this.
Blog image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Stop Selflessly Compromising Yourself in Your Relationships
Is Any of This Hard For You?
Having the guts to be true to yourself amongst others opinions. Saying NO to others. Disappointing someone whose asking you to give more than what’s comfortable for you to give. Having a hard time refraining from doing what others expect you to do, especially when it doesn’t work for you. Making self respecting choices when others around you are choosing differently.
If the situations above are frequent challenges, you might be a people pleaser Babe.
With that said, I had a topic suggestion from a friend that I want to speak too because it seems to be a common struggle. I believe it’s a topic that many of us will be able to connect with and the root of it lies in self respect, self love and our ability to have good boundaries.
Here’s the question:
“How do you balance the desire to be a supportive friend without compromising your own energy and boundaries?”
Being a supportive friend does not entail compromising things that are healthy for you. Having good boundaries and showing up for your needs are two factors that a healthy connection does not ask you to compromise.
Remember that “supportive” doesn’t entail tolerating being “dumped on.”
Within friendship, or any relationship for that matter, “stuff” is gonna go down. Friends are going to have upsets that they share, that’s a given. Even more so when it’s a close relationship. Although, there’s a very different energy to distinguish between sharing information with someone vs. dumping information onto someone.
Sharing is healthy; Dumping is not.
When someone is “dumping” on you there’s a draining, exhausting and heavy energy to it.
If you feel a consistent hesitation when a particular friend calls for your support or a hang out, this could be a red flag that you’re compromising something within yourself when in company with this other person. This doesn’t mean that you need to let go of the friendship. It does point to tightening your boundaries around this relationship. With doing so, the connection will either become healthier, shift for the better and grow or not.
Here’s some perspective on how to get past your guilt so you can go about putting boundaries on a friendship that needs them.
Your Feelings Are Legit
There’s a reason for your feelings. Honor them. When something feels off or icky, it’s probably because it is. Trust yourself and be mindful to not validate “why” this person needs you. You need to show up for yourself first. Nobody needs you as much as you need yourself.
Too Nice is Not Nice
I’m all about being friendly and nice. I think having empathy, being open and polite to others is such an amazing way to be. I also think that you have to honor and respect yourself, which means making sure you’re not only being nice to others, but also being kind to yourself. Usually this entails saying “NO” from time to time. For the record, compromising your needs is not a self respecting choice and will drain your energy. Hyper hospitality is often a symptom of people pleasing that gives others the go ahead to walk over you.
Hang In There
The reality is that if you’re going to establish good boundaries, it’s essential to be able to tolerate the guilt of not pleasing someone. I know, it’s going to be uncomfortable for a bit. While tolerating the guilt of not being everything to everyone, you give yourself the opportunity to establish a new way of being by setting well intentioned boundaries. Just like anything that ’s a process, you have to get through the guilt by allowing the feeling to be there while deconstructing your guilty feelings with perspective. Reminding yourself that you’re not being “mean” or “selfish” for making self honoring choices sounds so basic, but it’s important to practice. Often times, when we’re functioning from a people pleasing place, we feel a lot of guilt for not being or doing what others want us to be and do. This is the wiring that we have to correct in order to establish a healthier way of connecting with others. This will begin to shift the dynamics within our relationships.
Allow Space
Allowing space for your friend or partner to work out their own stuff is healthy; It’s not mean. If that person guilts you for not constantly being there when they need you, that’s more of a red flag for you to pay attention too, rather then jumping to the conclusion that you’re a negligent friend.
Healthy adults have the capacity to work through their own stuff. Healthy adults don’t expect you to take care of their emotions. You’re there to support them. You’re not there to fix it for them.
When we’re coming from a people pleasing space there’s often a confusion around fixing vs. being supportive. Take a step back and give a situation space so you can establish your boundaries. Also, make room for that other party to work out their own stuff.
To sum this up: Babes, please take the pressure off yourself to BE everything to other people. It’s exhausting and it’s not the way to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. It’s just not. Remember that people respect people who respect themselves. Period. One of the most attractive and magnetic qualities to have is self respect. One of the biggest actions to take in order to cultivate that quality is to have solid boundaries.
We need you. The world needs your energy. It doesn’t need you continuously self sacrificing and giving beyond your means. Establishing boundaries will help you see your relationships in a new way and will leave you feeling more confident about you.
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson