Anticipatory Grief: When You Feel the Loss of What Isn’t Gone (Yet)
There’s a kind of grief that doesn’t come after something ends.
It comes when you realize something will end—or begin to accept that something may never be the same or become what you hoped.
It doesn’t always have a clear moment. Just a subtle but persistent feeling that something is changing…
or already has.
A relationship that feels different.
A version of your life that isn’t unfolding the way you imagined.
Onlooking aging parents.
A growing awareness that time—with people you love or in life more generally—is limited.
What many people are feeling in these moments is anticipatory grief.
What Anticipatory Grief Actually Is
Anticipatory grief is the emotional process of beginning to feel a loss before it fully happens.
It’s your mind and body starting to adjust to a reality that isn’t fully here yet—but feels increasingly true.
And because nothing has “officially” ended, it can be difficult to recognize.
How It Often Shows Up
Anticipatory grief doesn’t always feel like obvious sadness.
More often, it shows up in subtle, confusing ways:
A low-level heaviness you can’t quite explain
Feeling emotional after time with someone—even when nothing went wrong
A sense of distance in a relationship that hasn’t actually ended
Restlessness or questioning your life without a clear reason
Feeling both grateful for what you have and quietly aware it’s changing
Moments of thinking ahead—then pulling yourself back because it feels too much
Sometimes it’s more concrete:
Noticing your parent repeat the same story twice.
Realizing you’re stepping into roles they once held.
Sensing a relationship is nearing its end—even without words.
And sometimes it’s more internal:
Looking at your life and realizing it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would.
Recognizing that the close, connected family you imagined may never fully exist in the way you hoped.
Coming to terms with the fact that certain relationships may stay exactly as they are—not because you haven’t tried, but because they can’t meet you there.
Or noticing that a version of yourself—a path, a career, a way of being—didn’t unfold the way you expected.
Nothing has technically ended. But something inside you knows… that change, loss, an end is coming.
Grieving What Never Happened
One of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief is that sometimes you’re grieving something that never fully existed.
The life you thought you’d have.
The relationship you believed would work.
The version of family you hoped for.
There’s no clear loss to point to. You can’t say, this is what I lost—because technically, you never had it. And that makes it harder to validate.
From the outside, life might look fine.
Or even good.
But internally, there’s a quiet realization: this isn’t going to be what I thought.
And that carries grief.
Why It Gets Misinterpreted
Because this “never life” is an experience that’s hard to name, people often assume something is wrong.
So they start searching for what needs to be fixed:
the relationship
the job
the direction of their life
Sometimes change is needed. But often, what you’re feeling isn’t a signal to immediately act.
It’s a signal that you’re processing loss in real time, which is very different from something being broken.
How to Work With Anticipatory Grief (Instead of Against It)
The instinct is to move out of this feeling quickly.
To make a decision.
To change something.
To resolve it.
But anticipatory grief doesn’t move that way. It tends to lessen when it’s acknowledged—not avoided.
A few ways to work with it:
1. Name it directly
Instead of “something feels off,” try:
I think I might be grieving something that hasn’t fully happened yet.
That alone can create relief.
2. Get specific
Ask yourself:
What exactly feels like it’s changing or not becoming what I hoped?
This helps bring the feeling out of the abstract.
3. Don’t rush the process
You don’t have to process all of it at once.
Sometimes it’s enough to sit with one piece of it—for a few minutes, for today.
4. Notice the urge to fix
When you feel the pull to make a big decision, pause.
Ask:
Is this something I need to act on right now—or something I need to feel first?
5. Ground in the present without denying the future
You can hold both:
This matters to me.
And it’s not what I thought it would be.
A Different Way to Hold It
You don’t have to turn this into a decision or a plan right away.
Sometimes the work is to pause and ask: What am I actually grieving right now?
There can be a strong pull to fix the feeling—to make it go away, to resolve it quickly. But grief isn’t something to fix. It’s something to recognize as part of being human in a life that is always changing.
And while it can feel isolating, it’s also something every person encounters in their own way. There’s something steadying in that—knowing you’re not alone in holding it.
Additional Resources
If this topic resonates, here are a few places to go deeper:
From my work:
Books:
Expected Loss: Coping with Anticipatory Grief
Tending Grief: Embodied Rituals for Holding Our Sorrow
If you want- feel free to follow along with me on Instagram @IAMKIMEGEL where I share reflections on navigating the less-discussed spaces of personal growth + provide helpful mental health tips.
Self Responsibility (The importance of Making Clear Self Choices)
This article is all about the importance of actively choosing what you want vs. falling unintentionally into who and what chooses you.
Life presents us with a stream of opportunities. Some of us may feel that we’re exposed to more opportunities than others given our ability to see an opportunity or be open to it. Let’s explore your ability to choose what you uniquely want and desire in this life.
At the end of the day we all ultimately are choosing our reality, for better or for worse. With believing that’s true or not, even no choice is a choice. My goal is to open your eyes to the fact that just because someone or something chooses you, that doesn’t mean that you need to reciprocate the kind gesture. It’s true in life that some people, places and things, even “good” and “amazing” ones might not be for us.
Not everything or everyone is for us.
Someone might want to date us, marry us, hire us, hang around us, travel with us, etc. This is amazing. Of course people want you by their side or on their team. You’re a gem of human and you’re desired.
Again, just because someone is choosing you, doesn’t mean that you need to choose them.
I’ve seen in my experience that some people have gotten into the habit of going with whatever or whoever shows up without using any sort of discernment around if the person or opportunity is a good fit.
The problem here is that you’re giving your power away when you’re not actively making the choices that are authentic to you. You are also getting further away from who you are as you say yes, or causally fall into what’s in front of you without using discernment. We probably have all found ourselves in situations that “sorta fell in our lap.” Sometimes these situations are ideal and in alignment with what we want and what we stand for, and sometimes they’re not.
The key is to have enough self awareness to be able to discern what choices or paths you want to take and which ones you choose to bypass.
This post is just a friendly reminder to check in with your “picker” to make sure that you’re in the drivers seat of your life.
Not to say that there’s not a time and place to go with the flow and say yes to things you wouldn’t usually say yes too. That’s how we grow and expand.
The key is to choose with your self respect and sense of self leading the way. This will help you discern whether to “go with” a presented opportunity that is for you vs. going blindly toward a situation with no intentional thought on the matter.
*Blog Image by Photographer Renata Amazonas.
The Wisdom of Travel/ French Polynesia
In a time of restriction of where we can go and what we can do I, ironically, feel drawn to talk travel. This post is intended to tap into your curiosity, as you find your way of “traveling” with the world in its present state.
In this post I’m going to do something a bit different by sharing with you apart of my life that has been super essential to who I’ve become. I also want to share with you an amazing location on this planet that can potentially be calling your name.
As much as I’m a therapist and believe in the therapeutic process, there can be an overload of self analyzing and introspection that can keep you looping. Yes, it’s true, there’s even a limit for healthy things. I want to encourage an overall balance of lifestyle and offer you an outlet that has done wonders for my headspace.
Which is: That thing called traveling….
For the record, travel can be adventuring somewhere new and different an hour away or a world away. You don’t need tons of money or hours on a plane to experience a place that offers you a different experience.
Regardless, this post is calling you to think outside your norm and try on something different. After all, that’s what travel has done for me. It knocks my A** out of my comfort zone, introduces me to a new way of doing and pushes me to grow.
Travel has brought much joy, perspective and growth into my life. Thinking about travel is where my head goes when I dream and I think we can all use some dreamy vibes right about now.
Getting away from what we know, whether it be a day trip or to somewhere further off, has the potential to stretch us in a way that’s not possible to do when we stay in our comfort zone. So much personal shifting can occur when we let go of what we know and allow ourselves to get swept away by a new way of doing and being.
Why is it that I’ve made major decisions about my life after my trips?
I’ve quit jobs, moved cities and have become more clear about where certain relationships stand after submerging myself in different cultures and places. I believe that travel gives me the opportunity to witness my life from another angle. Its provided me with time away from my habits and ways of doing things in order to “red flag” the actions that are not serving me.
In a nutshell, travel has allowed me to experience places and people that have made me rethink what I, ultimately, want for my life.
“Travel helps us see our life from a birds eye view; Where we can see with more clarity because we’re on the outside looking in. Looking in from the outside is a really different angle than our norm, which gives us different insights.”
What does travel do for me?
I’m less in my head and more at peace with where I’m at in my life on trips because I’m engaging in the things that light me up, which brings me incredibly present. For me, there’s a reason why I’m always going toward, warm waters, a lively and grand under water world and a local and mellow vibe.
Over the years, each trip taken has dropped me nuggets of clarity and tapped me back into my inner knowing. Such is true with the trip I took earlier this year (pre covid) to French Polynesia.
“ Simplicity is Bliss”
My trip to French Polynesia brought me to two atolls, Tikehau and Rangoria, both apart of the Tuamotu Archipelago. Tikehau is a remote atoll, only inhabited by 500 people. We stayed at the Tikehau Pearl Beach Resort (highly recommended.)
Being removed from the hussle of life warrants new perspective in itself. Although, being in a place where it’s truly quiet, there’s no distraction with places to go or things to do (besides being submerged under water), I found myself more at peace, with less anxiety and able to be present in a way that’s really hard for me to attain back in San Diego.
Not because San Diego is lacking in good vibes by any means; more so because, in my eyes, the pace of our world has become pretty speedy since my earlier days. Coming from a time where snail mail was “a thing” and cell phones were not, I’m finding that the fast pass and “go go go” has taken a bit of its toll on me.
“Traveling to simplistic places helps me calm more inwardly. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and place for areas with more art and livelihood, although, in the last couple years, I’ve wanted more quiet.”
Yes, I get it, I’m on vacation, where you can leave your worries behind and soak in the sun. However, the murmors of simplicity as my mind space was spent engaged in thinking about what kind of species of fish I was going to lurk around for under the sea allowed me to be present in a way that felt foreign. (And, oh so good) This trip was an opportunity for me to tap back into the present and was a reminder to slow down.
We hired some local guys to take us to snorkel/free dive along the Tiputa Pass (unreal). The Tiputa Pass is a strait in the northwest portion of Rangiroa lagoon that joins the lagoon to the open ocean. There’s a current that drifts you along a ledge of coral reef that drops down hundreds of feet into the open ocean where we saw groups of blacktip reef sharks (very common amongst the tropical coral reefs in the Indian and Pacific Oceans.)
On the ride back to our accommodation, I had the type of encounter that amps me up about traveling. Connecting with someone from such a different world is something that gets my blood pumping. Sitting shotgun, in this gentleman’s pick up truck, just talking real about life, always reminds me how, when it comes down to it, we’re all fighting the same fight.
We’ve all loved, got burned, been hurt and have felt joy. We all feel all the feels at one point or another in this life. In a nutshell, he both said and gave off the energy of peace and simplicity. I live for these moments on trips were I feel really connected to who I am via another person whose mirroring such a different reality, although the connection is so present. It’s a very cool thing.
How can I continue to keep it simple?
What can I cut from my everyday “list” that’s actually causing more noise and is just keeping me “busy” vs. actually adding to my quality of life?
What thoughts are consuming my mind that are in no way leading me toward a calm and steady head space?
How can I bring some of the unexpected, calm energy and “different” back into my life?
As much as these are the questions that I’m bringing back with me from my travels, I think that they’re great questions for any sort of self reflection. No matter where you are in your life.
“Entertaining a new way of doing things and paying attention to what’s not working is helping me weed things out.”
As timing in life is always at play, ironically, a couple weeks after this trip, COVID-19 hit hard and these same questions have been very relevant to me (and others) while being restricted and with things transitioning so quickly. Needless to say, you don’t need a trip overseas to engage in self introspection. I see how something, such as a global pandemic offers the same type of self reflection.
Bottom line: Don’t doubt the power of getting away from and out of what you know. Again, it can be down to the corner international market that you’ve never stepped in or something farther and grander. Point being, new experiences push us out of our comfort zone and help us expand. When and if you have the opportunity to do something new, take it. When you do take it, challenge yourself to do it with an open heart and mind.
“ Embrace different. ”
Different can be uncomfortable, although I’ve found that the magic of life happens when you immerse yourself in a new way of doing things. As you do so, you allow the opportunity to learn about yourself in a way that you just can’t tap into when you’re doing your “norm.” If you’re a seeker, if you’re looking to grow, embrace a new experience.
You’ll personally shift from doing so, no matter what. That’s what growth does. It expands you and once you grow and learn in a new way, you’ll never be able to comfortably sit in your small protected box again. That’s a good thing. Get after it friends. Challenge your comfort zone. Get out there and find your “new.”
Below find my small line of intention necklaces that I designed while incorporating the images that were taken in collaboration with @ashdubphoto & I in French Polynesia. I paired a pendant with a specific virtue that I felt it reflected. Hone your inner peace (half moon), joy (star), balance (diamond) or attract love (heart) and flow (drop) into your life while wearing these intentional necklaces by yours truly @kimegeljewelry.
Introducing my new line of INTENTION NECKLACES
How to Attract the Love You're Looking For
Why can we overlook or, in some instances, be 100% blind to love even when it shows up right in front of our eyes?
We often will say that we're looking for and desire love, yet when potential options present themselves, we quickly pass them by, tear them apart with judgement or overlook them completely.
Um, what's going on here?
I recently read something that spoke a bit to these questions. The words below resonated with me to the point where I wanted to share them with you. The topic of love and relationships is so vast. It is beyond me to attempt to explain IT nor sum it up in a short blog post. Although, piece by piece, day by day, experience by experience and relationship by relationship the pieces, often, have a natural way of coming together like a spider web if you stay aware and present.
It's a given that whatever you're in a struggle with internally will be reflected to the people and experiences around you, especially within your search for love. If you harbor a lot of self judgment, you will naturally be more judgmental of others. If it's difficult for you to find self acceptance, it will be a struggle for you to accept others and so on.
Often we're looking outwardly for love. However, beginning your search with self reflection can help lead the way.
Here is a quote for you to think about as you pursue the path to love in your own life:
"If you are operating under the assumption that who you are before the surgery, underneath the hair dye, and without the makeup is unacceptable, then you may find yourself driven to find a mate with all of the "perfect" criteria (the "right job," "right look," from the "right family") as a way to compensate for what you consider to be your own inadequacies. You may find someone who has all of those external qualities and think, for a while anyway, that you have found love. But, sooner or later, these relationships tend to reveal themselves to be somewhat empty and soulless. The kind of love that we are looking for rarely comes from this way of seeking. There is no heart in it and soul connections are always revealed in the heart. That's why love doesn't always look the way you might think it should. Just like you, yourself, may not look the way you think you should."
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
I'm going to leave you to sit with that. It was powerful for me, as I hope it will be for you.
Often, the most treasured gifts in our lives, are not presented to us in the way we believe they should and ought to be. This so is true for relationships.
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Controlled Action vs. Inspired Action (What's the Difference?)
Life often calls for us to make choices and take action. Both controlled and inspired action are two approaches to life’s challenges that can either help us flow or add more struggle then need be. They are both necessary and can produce desired results when applied to situations that compliment them. Learning about these two approaches and knowing which one to grab onto in specific circumstances of our lives can help us cruise through life more fluidly.
Inspired Action
Inspired action is commonly driven by a random thought, curiosity or inspiration to act. The energy behind inspired action tends to be free flowing, light, organic and open. The driving force behind this action is curiosity and intrigue. There is no force or resistance when our action is coming from an inspired place.
“The end result of inspired action is not the focus; the joy we feel the action will bring is.”
Inspired action doesn’t require a plan. It requires us to get out of our own heads. There are no rules or “should’s” to follow. There is no right, wrong or logical mindset at play. It’s not to be contained or controlled, which is what allows it to happen so naturally and be so organic. Simply put, it’s action that we just feel moved to do when it calls.
This action is not ego based, rather it’s based on what makes you feel alive and joyful. It often happens unexpectedly, like most special moments in life. It’s without a script or knowing. It’s just, straight up, Inspired.
When action comes from a place of inspiration the result of that action tends to be extremely powerful. Endless possibilities and big dreams stem from this type of action because it’s pure, true and genuine. It has no limits or boundaries.
Inspired action is based around the concept of flow. Flow is not questioning where you’re going nor where you’ve been.
It’s just………Being. In. The. Flow.
Controlled Action
Controlled action has a very different energy to it. The energy that accompanies controlled action is focused, contained and more contrived. This type of action calls our logical minds and learned perspectives to “figure out” what we need to do in order to make our desired result happen. This way guides us to focus on “the how” a desired result can be approached. It's more systemic and procedural. In controlled action there's often a “step by step” approach that leads to the desired result.
Controlled action is great when you’re looking to complete the academic path toward becoming a doctor, lawyer or any other profession that has a specific criteria to follow to meet the end goal. Flying a plane, getting a black belt in martial arts, doing a math problem, putting a piece of IKEA furniture together and a lot of technical fields require this approach. It's necessary at times. (I know, random selection of events, no doubt.)
Here is where we get to make a choice……
If we apply the concept of controlled action to a challenge in life that calls for a loose and flexible approach, we can very much get in our own way. Fighting against what is will bring more suffering and struggle than need be. So, when we're 100% committed toward using a fixed approach to a topic that calls for space, freedom and no boundaries, chances are that we will be creating resistance and more struggle than necessary. Resisting is the more difficult way. For example, forcing any sort of relationship to BE a certain way or demanding that something NEEDS to happen in order to feel okay are situations that cannot be controlled. Who you naturally connect with and feel attraction toward just is. There are some things in life that cannot be forced.
I know this gets tricky when we REALLY want something to look a certain way or someone to feel a certain way about us. It can be crazy making. It’s easy to want to follow a step by step plan of how to make something we want happen or someone we desire to see us in a certain light. The reality is, when we use force when something calls for space, we often create an opposite outcome to what we desire.
I know that when I get uncomfortable or anxious in life, I have a tendency to up the volume of control. There’s this illusion that if I control what I can, I will feel better. Often this is why we can find ourselves running around “busy” all the time. It distracts us and keeps us in the doing mode, which gives us a temporary sense of relief. Distraction may mask our anxiety and fear, although it doesn’t deal with it. Dealing with those emotions and getting through them requires facing and sitting with them. I understand why we humans avoid, it’s our best attempt of self protection from pain and discomfort. The quick fix is to stay busy, but the way toward healing is to slow down and practice the concepts of letting go, relaxing, trusting, calming and accepting. *Believe me, I know that's easier said than done my friend.
With that said, there is a time and place for controlled action, as there is a time to let go, allow, trust and go with what’s happening because you're inspired. Hopefully having more knowing around these two sources of action can help you find more self awareness and peace in your choice of action.
* The above image was taken by Amy Bjornson, San Diego based photographer.
Your Truth (Signs You Are Hiding From It)
Maybe at one point or another in life you’ve had that sensation of wanting to hide from the world. I can, for sure, speak for myself that I’ve wanted to do so. I actually believe that to a degree, getting out of dodge for a bit can be a healthy-slash- self care sort of thing. Checking out for a bit in order to get quiet and become more grounded can provide a necessary recharge. Although, when hiding becomes a lifestyle rather than a mini re-set you can get trapped in playing small in your life.
So, how do you know if you’re in hiding and keeping yourself from opportunities and possibilities that want your attention?
You Feel like Something is Missing
You can’t put your finger on it, but something feels unsettled. There might be an underlying feeling that “something is missing” and “there’s more out there” for you. You feel restless. You find it difficult to feel settled with where you're at in life. Generally speaking, it can feel hard to sit, relax and just BE, which can breed chronic busyness and doing.
Your Intuition Says So
You just know it in your gut. I’m not going to say anything more than this: When your intuition speaks, listen up.
You’re Triggered Left and Right
It’s normal to get triggered by others, although when you’re constantly triggered by the people around you, that can be a sign that you’re hiding from an aspect of you that's demanding your attention. The world is awaiting for you to tap into and share your uniqueness. We all show up in this life with gifts to contribute. Your gift is unique to you. Nobody can give your gift like you can.
When we're hiding and playing small, we’re not the only one that’s missing out. The world is too. When we start to notice who is triggering us and begin to look for patterns within who and what is a trigger, that can lead to some information about our unique gifts that we’re denying or keeping beneath the surface.
You Feel Bored
You’re struggling to feel excited about something; Anything. Things feel status quo. Each day is bleeding into the next. A feeling of blah is a staple feeling throughout your day.
I understand that sometimes we have to do things in life that are not necessarily fun and exciting. Dishes need to be cleaned, laundry needs to get taken care of, groceries need to be bought…and the list goes on. Although, I’m referring to chronic boredom that has become a way of life and has dampened your spark. Boredom that's getting in the way of how you want to feel in your life. This is the kind of boredom that might be telling you something.
You’re Avoiding Your Natural Curiosities
We all have people, places and things that naturally turn our heads. We don’t have to try with what we have curiosity about, it just is. It’s similar to the concept of attraction. There are some people that we’re super drawn to and fall for over others. Even when someone looks ideal on paper, there is just some chemistry between us humans that just IS. Attraction is not always logical. Our curiosity and what we find interesting works on a similar level. If you consciously notice that you're making up excuses in order to avoid events, opportunities and people that you have an inner drawing toward, this can be a signal that you're denying yourself joy and possibilities in your life.
The Voice is Getting Louder
It’s getting more difficult to push away that idea or that voice that’s calling you to step forward. The boredom, your inner voice, the feeling that something just isn’t right. It’s all getting louder and more unavoidable. It's officially caving in.
You might even feel more anxiety than normal because on an unconscious level you have some sort of knowing that you can be living a reality more true to you. What you used to be able to black out of your mind and compartmentalize is face first in front of you. Life wants you to live up to your full potential and it will put opportunities and people in place to trigger you and push you toward your truth.
To come full circle, I suppose the question now is for you to decide if you’re living smaller than your meant too. If not, awesome. Carry on friend.
If the above did speak to you, honor yourself for admitting it and getting through this post. For the record, I'm not going to leave you hanging with this topic. Stay tuned for my "Part 2" of this blog post that will extend the conversation by providing perspectives and ideas intended to encourage your inner momentum to make some positive movement.
* The above image was taken by San Diego Photographer Renata Amazonas.