How To Create and Maintain Your Boundaries
There are so many things that have the potential to sweep us away these days. Therefore this post is all about how to crete and maintain your boundaries (stay in your lane), so your energy is not scattered, which will leave you depleted.
Distractions come to us in so many ways. Some are disguised by appearing really pretty; the thousands of mesmerizing images our minds scan through on instagram that catch our eyes. Although beautiful and potentially inspiring, it’s a mass amount of output coming in that we have to filter and digest.
Everything coming at us requires our energy to weed through and sort out.
Other distractions might feel more heavy; a friends sharing of another’s dramatic relationship issues. Not to mention the over abundance of daily texts, DM’s, tweets, snapchats, voicemails and emails on top of work and all the other must do’s. It can feel really intense and overwhelming.
I’ve come to a point where I can start feeling myself shut down like a computer when I feel overloaded. Sometimes it’s just too much “stuff” in one day for me to hold and sift through. Instead of being hard on myself and feeling like “I should” be able to handle all the demands of my (this) world, I just let myself do what I need to do. This usually entails retreating to somewhere quiet so I can literally reboot. Maybe a walk, maybe a surf, maybe a hike, maybe a quiet evening in. Something that helps my system to unwind.
Discovering what your “reboot” is will be a huge benefit to your life.
So, how can you stay clear and focused amongst all the things and stuff going on?
Today is simple, because we can make it so complex. Stay in your lane in life.
Meaning: Stay focused on your mission. Stay clear on your aim. Stay true to your intentions and desires. Stay aware of what makes you feel good. Stay aware of what makes you fulfilled and what lights you up. Keep your energy protected by being selective about with who and what are good ways to spend your time. Learn and practice how to repel what others may attempt to dump on you by keeping healthy boundaries for yourself. Your lane (your personal space) needs to remain healthy and clear, so you can see where you’re going. You only have so much energy each day, use it wisely.
Start this year off with a bang by making choices that honor you. Pay attention to the things that have the potential to swerve you off your path. As you hold a clear boundary for yourself the negative will organically fall away as the positive things survive and accumulate. Trust this, as it’s the flow of life.
Cheers friends.
* Image taken by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Holiday Tips for People Pleasers
Do you have an exaggerated awareness of the needs of others? Meaning do you find yourself overly concerned and aware about what everyone else needs, while ignoring your needs?
People with a hyper ability to please and make sure everything is okay for others are often neglecting their own needs.
It’s tricky because when someone is taking care of it all, from the outside these “hyper hospitable” individuals show up as super thoughtful, helpful and dependable (all good things). They even get feedback from the world that encourages their helpful ways. The catch is that they’re ignoring their needs in honor of showing up for everyone else.
Is that really so great?
What happened to win/win?
It hurts my heart to see people bend over backward and ignore their needs while running around doing everything for other people. (Especially for people who don’t acknowledge and respect the efforts.)
The irony is that we’re always teaching people how to treat us and when we’re ignoring our own needs, guess what, so will everyone else. This is the dangerous cycle of constantly doing, giving and being to everyone other than ourselves.
With that said, in this holiday season of busy and endless things to do, please take a moment to check in with yourself, pause for a hot minute, and make sure you’re tending to yourself.
It’s one thing to support and send love to others, but don’t confuse this with bending over backwards and giving when it’s crossing the boundary to over giving and, ultimately, disrespecting yourself.
Tips For The Holidays
For some people, a card is enough. Don’t stress about giving gifts because you think you “should.” I understand and respect that there’s some people that it’s a personal “must do” to gift too and that’s fine, although, draw the line somewhere.
When you’re exhausted and tired please respect your body. You don’t need to push yourself to please others. Do what you need to do.
Practice allowing others to help you. If you identify as being sensitive and hyper aware of others needs, pause before you jump on the urge “to do” for everyone else. Practice waiting, even if just for a couple seconds, to give other people the space to take care of their own needs. You will be surprised to see what other people are capable of when you allow them to show up for themselves.
This is your holiday season. Enjoy it.
*Image by Photographer Shannon Bailey.
Tapping Into Your Heart Space (What Does that Even Mean?)
When you’re looking for answers, where do you look? Do you rack your mind for what’s logical? Do you try and search for what makes sense?
I understand logical, yet sometimes being so logical is what’s so limiting. Our logical minds want things to make sense, and often, things that are really beautiful and surprising in life don’t make much logical sense. Logic will be there when you need it, although I want to speak to how something, someone or somewhere makes you feel.
Keep in mind that you feel from your heart space and you think from your brain space.
How something makes you feel gives you information that’s so unique and personal. Your feelings about something are speaking to you, whether you pay attention to them or not. Your feelings have the potential to guide you, while acting as your unique personal compass.
The more you pay attention to this internal instrument of yours, the more it will strengthen and help you make good decisions for your life. It can be very valuable for you to become more aware of how you feel about things rather than how you think about things.
“We remember 10 percent of what we read, 20 percent of what we hear, 30 percent of what we see, 40 percent of what we do, and 100 percent of what we feel.”
If you’re looking for answers, what would it mean for you to start practicing the art of feeling? Your practice can start by putting more attention to how people, places and things make you feel. Get familiar with where certain feelings sit and how they feel within your physical body. For example, where does anxiety lie in your body? Where does excitement sit? As you start paying more attention to how these emotions feel in your body you will strengthen your mind/body connection, which will be an invaluable asset to you as you go through life.
FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION EXERCISE
“Wait for your intuition to lead you somewhere, to do something or to reach out to someone. As you do this, one thing after the other will start to unfold. Within this unfolding, remain open allowing yourself to continue to be lead vs. controlling the direction. (Think of having a partner lead you as you dance: two people can’t lead. It’s important to follow and allow for this to work.) Your initial intuitive action will gain momentum as you continue to act and move forward without resistance. As you keep going, in time you’ll be able to look back and see how specific situations and coincidences have lead to your current reality. ”
Following your feeling or intuition is all about noticing the urges and desires that are calling you to act. Your intuition will never fail you if you trust it and stay in the game. Staying in the game requires you to be led and follow, rather than taking control by leading while using your logical mind. Your desires will lead you somewhere interesting and unexpected, that’s for sure. They will lead you to a very different destination then where your logic will take you as you “try” to “figure things out.”
Your intuition will take you to places that you can’t think up. This is why the unexpected moments and random coincidences in life can be so moving; these moments are not planned, you often don’t see them coming, which causes them to be surprisingly refreshing and extraordinary.
Your intuition is fueled by excited, new energy. Energy that is stripped from any routine or knowing. Tap into how you feel about things rather than how you think about things. Play around with this and see where your feelings lead you. I have no doubt that it will be really interesting.
*Above Image take by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Recognize & Hold onto A Good Thing
Good things come and go, correct? Such is life.….
Do we accept that this is how it goes, or do we actively work to tap into our inner knowing so we don’t let those good things go?
Becoming more in tune with what a good thing looks and feels like can help us ditch what’s not so great in our life, while holding onto what is.
Life will offer us a bit of everything, so how do we know when a good thing is right in front of us?
In the land of plenty, how do we know what’s the right thing, person or situation for us?
How do we know when to hold on and how do we know when to let go?
At one point or another, we all have to come up with our own answers to these questions. Life will present us with a varietal of opportunities. Our decisions to go toward or away from these people and situations will pave the path of our life.
No pressure, right?
I remember a time in my life when I spent years in an indecisive place about love.
Is THIS it? Is HE it? Is SHE it? Are THEY it? Are WE it?
I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s up from down in certain situations?
Will we ever? Can we ever?
Here’s what I know.
Going toward what makes you feel good consistently is always a good choice. Move toward what feels good consistently, not sporadically. Sporadic energy tends to feel chaotic. Consistency breeds trust.
Lots of not so great things and people can make us feel good temporarily. A temporary fix tends to be more surface and short lived. Some of us rather take something rather than nothing, yet that’s where many of us get stuck. When the foundation of anything is unstable and ingenuine, it will eventually show its cracks. This is true both figuratively and literally. Whether we’re talking about relationships or a building.
Side Note: * Nobody is perfect, nor is perfection the aim, although unhealthy and destructive people and circumstances do not need your energy friends *
Here are some descriptions on what a good thing usually entails. Hopefully, this can help you evaluate your current experiences in order for you to find clarity around whether you should hold on or let go.
A good thing has a clean paper trial. “History Repeats Itself” is a cliche for a reason.
A good thing feels good (in a healthy way.) Period the end.
A good thing is stable, trusting and accountable.
A good thing says what they mean and means what they say.
A good thing cares about you and it’s obvious.
A good thing is not confusing.
A good thing is not that hard to spot because the right “good thing” for you will stand out amongst the crowd.
A good thing tends to be A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, for if it wasn't, it wouldn’t be special to your experience. Unique things stand out and are valuable for their rarity, which makes them such a gift.
If you’re still looking for your good thing, keep looking. It’s out there. Don’t settle. Don’t think it “should” be here already. Respect IT’S timing. Look at all the contrast that you’re receiving in your life now as part of the adventure, for one day the adventure will be over and you will be consumed with your good thing.
Lots of love. Cheers to Good Things.
The above image was taken by San Diego based Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Perspectives to Enjoy Your Life (Regardless of the Circumstances)
I’m loving the Master Class Podcasts that Oprah puts on. She speaks with a cool range of people, keeping each interview intriguing and different. Every person shares their life journey, connecting the dots with the specific opportunities and circumstances which has lead to their success.
I love it because as you listen to each accomplished person, you realize that you can plan all you want, yet ultimately life inserts and throws in the curve balls that create the ride of your life.
Sometimes these “curve balls” are disguised as tragedies, love stories, illness or great opportunities. We don’t get to pick the form, but we do get to choose how we respond to what’s placed in our path.
I recently listened to the podcast that featured Susan Sarandon, an academy award winning actress. I found myself enamored with her whole story as it appears that she has mastered the art of flowing with her life. I believe that when you dance with life vs. white knuckling it according to your plan, you create the space for limitless and beautiful things to present themselves.
Here’s a piece of the conversation that really spoke to me.
“I think when you’re going through life, you have to be open about the framing of what you want. I mean, in a way, I’m here because all my plans failed and I say that kiddingly, but it’s true. I think that the thing that has served me the best has been flexibility and being able to adapt and… to have an idea of going somewhere, but when something crosses my path, having the ability and the sense to go “Oh, you know, maybe, actually, that’s a better direction.”
I think you have to listen to your heart and not think that there’s a rational way to plan out your life because life isn’t rational. You can never be safe. You can never be sure. In love. In life. In your profession…. ”
I love this quote because it speaks to the rational sense that we all have ingrained within us. This sense can serve us and, at times, can absolutely get in the way. The reality is that sometimes life and the path toward that thing that really lights us up doesn’t make much sense. There’s an irrational plan that might not spark your interest and in that case your work is to listen to your inner intuition and turn away from what’s not calling you. Alternatively, life will also present the opportunities that don’t make rational sense, yet something within our hearts cannot stop thinking about them. Those things that linger within, become louder with time and the thought of it unfolding lights you up; Those are the things that lead to fascinating places.
The story that unfolds when one follows that kind of a pull intrigues me. It’s often what leads to the mind blowing realities of life. The real good stuff.
Because you went, you found that love. Because you followed that inner voice, you stumbled upon your passion. Because you decided to listen to yourself, you find yourself living a life that you choose and feel peaceful about. In my opinion, these are the rich and fulfilling aspects of life.
Showing up curious and brave enough to step toward the unknown is always greatly rewarded when well intentioned.
We all have different needs and wants based on our specific life circumstances. We, also, all have specific desires that whisper and call us. My hope is that you pay attention and listen to that inner guidance.
What would it mean for you to become curious about that voice and pay attention to what it’s saying?
If anything, allow the desire to be present. Do your best to acknowledge it. Trust that life has a really interesting way of showing up and sprinkling in opportunities and people when we remain open and allowing.
“If you’re too sure of everything; that’s death. What’s been great about my life is that I haven’t seen any of it coming.”
Cheers to the adventure.
Above image is by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
The Art of Letting Go
As much as I believe in talking something out, I also believe that there’s a time and place where, in order to stay balanced and healthy, a pestering issue needs to be laid to rest. Overly talking about and ruminating over an issue, can easily become more the issue. Meaning, too much attention on the perceived problem becomes the problem itself. Trying to figure out the problem. Trying to understand the problem. Worrying about the problem. Talking in circles about the problem.
This bad habit causes suffering and leads to absolutely nowhere.
Being a natural over analyzer myself, I’ve personally found that after enough healthy introspection has been done around a specific issue, turning toward what’s light, inspiring and fun is an important step toward moving beyond something. When you’re going through something difficult, you have to be reminded that there’s joy on the other side of the issue. You need proof that you can feel good again. You can only find this proof when you allow yourself to be in the space outside the worry.
The other day, I randomly grabbed a magazine to read at the local library. I happened to turn right to an article that impacted me and was the source of inspiration for this blog. It was titled, It’s Time to Graduate From Self-Defeating Habits and Begin Your Glorious Future, by Martha Beck. I thought about the glorious future that I’m going toward and decided to read on.
I loved the simplicity of the author’s message when advising about how to get over a hardship. It was free of any sort of psychoanalysis and headiness, which is an approach that I very much appreciate and believe in as a therapist myself.
Here’s what she said:
“I want you to pick a day when you’ll be over this. It can be in a week or a year, but that will be your graduation day. Once it comes, you’re done with this subject.”
That’s right. Just decide and accept that “it’s done” and let it go. Graduate from the burden of your worry and just decide it’s beyond you. Hell yes! Process your stuff. Feel the emotions and then, please, learn to put it behind you.
Believe me, I get the “How the hell do you even do that? How do you let something go that was so significant, hurtful and the source of so much pain?” I write this post with conviction because (I was-SLASH- can still be) the girl that struggles to let a painful hurt go. It’s been one of my major life lessons that I continue to hone.
With no clue of how to let something go in my past, my over thinking and circling around a painful topic in conversations with friends or in my own head became more my issue. The issue wasn’t what had happened that initially caused me pain, it was how I was coping with it. Attempting to move forward while bringing my past crap into the present put a residue on every new situation. For example, when on a date with a hot new man, it was too bad that all I could think about was my hurt from my past relationship that was also on the date with us. A total set up for a crash and burn outcome. It was like carrying around stinky laundry everywhere I went. I freshened up all I could, but no matter how cleaned up I became, I always had the stink of my past with me. It put a damper on every new possibility.
To give you a picture of my inability to “let pain go,” I remember feeling really pissed off when friends changed the subject on my pain or didn’t hold the space for me to talk about it for the 100th time. I was convinced that, “They don’t care” or “They don’t get it.” Now, if this response from my people occurred when I initially went to them to seek support, these thoughts would have had more validity. However, after months and years of struggling with being caught in my own head, I see how their lack of attention to my perpetual need to talk about what had happened was their loving attempt to help me move forward. They didn’t want to give my obsessive thoughts more energy.
We have all experienced the person who appears to be continually stuck on something or someone. I’m all for processing through an issue so it can sit somewhere within that is more settled, although there’s a tipping point where there’s no more to say or do and it’s time to let go.
Think about what you’re still holding onto and pick a graduation day. Commit in your heart that when this day comes you will be graduated from this problem, meaning it will be officially behind you. The cool concept about graduation is that when you graduate from something, there’s no going back.
“We graduate every time we step forward without moving back.”
You can’t go back to high school because you have already graduated. You can’t redo something that’s done. So be done. Do what you need to do to work through your emotions and give yourself a specific date for the issue to be put in the past with the door firmly, yet comfortably closed. You deserve to walk into your future with light and love in your heart. In order to do this you need to free yourself of the heavy pains and burdens that you’re carrying with you into your future. It’s shading your light.
Free yourself friends by letting go. Your life will improve if you do so.
Above image is by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.