Healthy Romantic Love (What It Looks & Feels Like)
Each connection that we have with another is so unique, which is what makes it special. Listed below are some solid traits of a healthy partnership. Being aware of the aspects that make relationships rich and fulfilling can help you identify what you’re lacking or what you’re grateful for. Either way, knowledge around what’s healthy can help you identify topics and initiate conversations in your partnerships in order to create a higher level of connection. It also can help you identify what you can individually work on in order to improve the quality of your connection.
There is NO perfect. This is a quick post for you to become more mindful or refresh your awareness of what a healthy, loving relationship contains. Whether you’re in a long term partnership, a marriage or looking for love, I’m hoping that this can help you assess where you’re uniquely at in terms of creating the love that you want.
7 Traits of Healthy & Loving Relationships
It feels CONSIDERATE
You feel considered. You feel like your partner considers you when it comes to their choices. They consider how you will be impacted by the decisions that they make. Your partner considers your feelings about the decisions that will impact you. They want you to feel considered and important and they take action to make that clear.
In a nutshell: Your partner considers your feelings. They’re consistently mindful of how their decisions impact you.
2. It’s CONSISTENT
You’re going to be on a bit of a ride with whoever you’re in a long term partnership with because that’s just the nature of a long term relationship. You’re going to go through and see some “stuff’ together; pain, happiness, hardships, fun times, loses, gains, wins, etc. Through all of the twists and turns, a healthy relationship will be consistent and steady. That’s stabilizing. If a hurricane is blowing all around you, a partner that can hold you steady and keep you stabilized as the wind and rain is doing it’s best to blow you over is what we all need in our loving relationships.
At the end of the day, find someone who is consistent. We trust people whose words and actions match up consistently over time.
3. It’s TRUSTING
You trust the judgement of your partner and they trust yours. It’s mutual. You trust that their actions and behaviors consider the basis of what a commitment is based on; love, respect & kindness. Each individual in the relationship has the room and space to tend to things outside the partnership that fill one another up. Each individual has the room to be whole.
A healthy relationship feels calm and open, not restrictive and heavy. The energy that you feel within a connection says a thousand words. Listen to what your body and mind is saying and feeling. Do you need to over explain in order to feel heard? Do you believe that you have the space to do healthy things for yourself without fearing a negative response from your partner?
Ultimately I’m speaking to feeling like someone trusts you. It’s an unsaid energy. I hope this feeling or you in your loving partnership.
4. It’s EMOTIONALLY SAFE
You feel safe to disclose your emotions with your partner. You feel confident that you can bring up your emotions and be heard. Being “heard” doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will agree, but they will respect your emotions. They won’t make you feel judged or criticized based on how you perceive things. If they do, you can bring it up, communicate about it and work it through.
(Again, nobody is going to be perfect, but within a healthy partnership, you will be able to work through a lot of the kinks.)
When we feel emotionally safe in relationships we don’t feel judged, dismissed or invalidated. On the contrary, we feel understood, loved and validated. We feel like our partner considers what’s in our best interest.
5. It feels LOVING
You feel love and kindness from your partner. They verbalize or show you that they love you. They use their specific Love Language to express their love for you and you can feel it. You don’t question it and if you do for whatever reason, it can be cleared up with communication.
This leads to the next point……
6. You COMMUNICATE Well
Being in a relationship where you feel like your partner gives you space to voice your concerns and spends time and energy attempting to understand your feelings and emotions is priceless. There’s so much involved in good communication.
Feeling like you can bring up concerns or topics with your partner without fearing a negative reaction is so important. Meaning, so much of the time, we end up not saying anything because of the reaction that we don’t want to get from others. This causes conflict and resentment to build. Being in a relationship where you feel like, for the most part, someone is able to give you the platform to self express without shut down, criticism, or judgement lays the foundation for how that partnership is going to evolve over time.
7. It feels BALANCED
Your partner allows you the time and space to nurture other aspects of your life without guilting you. Your partner allows you to spend time and energy in other areas that allow you to be a balanced person; health, friendships, career, interests, etc. You also give the same grace and understanding to your partner. You each have awareness of what it takes for you to be a healthy individual, which allows your partnership to be more rich and fulfilling.
Of course, this list can go on, but these are some staple points to have in mind while you’re either attracting love to you or are in a committed partnership or marriage. It’s always good to go over the basics and do some inventory on where you’re at.
Take this all in with a grain of salt. There’s no “perfect” relationship. We’re all works in progress, shifting and changing with time, which is also true of our relationships.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
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*Image above is by Renata Amazonas, Photographer.
How to Work From Home with Kids
Image provided by havenlife.com
To all my friends, clients and dear sweet people that are loosing their minds trying to “wrangle in” the kiddies while working from home.
First thing I want to say is, you got this. I know, it might not feel like it, but you do.
My feedback on how to find some sort of structure and peace when working from home is featured in the below blog by Haven Life. I know that we’re all trying to adjust and find some sort of normalcy in a situation that is changing our usual.
Cheers to all of you. Wishing you stability, calmed nerves and good vibes in your homes.
Article link below:
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer
How to Forgive Yourself & Others
In order to become more peaceful within, it's essential to learn how to forgive. Some of us may not struggle with forgiveness and some of us may. Regardless of where you stand with the concept of forgiveness, ultimately everything is interconnected. When we learn how to forgive ourselves we, simultaneously, learn how to forgive others. How we treat ourself will always be reflected by how we treat others.
Forgiveness is an act of surrender. It's letting go of any blame or regret around past mistakes, large or small. It's releasing any shame around actions of the past. It's practicing acceptance of past choices, while believing that you did your best given the time of life and situation at hand. Period. It's acceptance of where you’re at in your life currently, whether it’s what you envisioned for this time or not.
Life rarely turns out how we expect it too. That's what keeps it interesting.
So often in life, the biggest battle we face is with our own self. Finding inner peace asks us to find acceptance of who we are at the core. Forgiving ourself requires us to accept that we are imperfect. Accepting imperfection allows us to make mistakes along the way without feeling shame. The path toward this acceptance comes with realizing that mistakes are gateways toward learning personal lessons. A mistake is like a compass......gently guiding you along. Trust that.
For the record, truly living requires risk and going outside your comfort zone in order to grow. The truth is that you should and will continue to make mistakes if your really living, learning and growing. It's human. Mistakes can help you learn what's ultimately right for you. Without mistakes or risks, life can become still and dull. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty, tie your hair back and take a step toward something unknown, especially when you can't possibly predict the outcome.
That's where the biggest rewards often live. In the complete unknown.
Self forgiveness can be tricky. Finding forgiveness for ourselves is often more difficult than forgiving others. Ironically, as I said earlier, how you treat yourself is always reflected in how you treat others. This will always be. For example, if you’re not forgiving of your own mistakes, it will be a challenge for you to forgive others. Non forgiveness is a habit that carries onto everything.
Much of what drives our want for others to forgive and acknowledge us, is our inner desire to forgive ourself.
For the record, you don’t need another’s permission or validation to be worthy and deserving of forgiveness. The truth is that you will become stuck by holding onto past resentments, hurts and living in regret. Living in regret is a really miserable place to live and pointless. Figuring out how to let go, surrender the past and ultimately forgive yourself for any human mistakes you've made along the way is essential for your happiness.
“Sometimes it’s harder to forgive yourself than to get somebody else to do it.”
If you’re struggling with the concept of forgiveness. First and foremost, I point you toward looking at the relationship with your own self. My guess is that, if you're chronically “hard” on yourself, you're more likely to be hard on others. If you struggle with forgiving yourself for past actions and mistakes, you're also more likely to judge others just as harshly. This creates a lot of unneeded struggle.
With that being said, the gateway to untangle this destructive pattern is to work toward accepting the past and where it has led you as of right now, in this moment. No judgement. No story attached to your current reality of how it "should" look differently. As you practice non judgement and acceptance you will be able to find more peace with the past and your current life situation. Believing that everything has been and will continue to be presented to you in order for you to learn is a perspective that can help you find acceptance.
Easier said than done, I know. Although, learning how to be more gentle with yourself will organically untangle all the fixed and rigid emotions that create the harsh cycle of non forgiveness.
Here are some quick tips to remember around forgiveness:
Accept that you will make mistakes; Mistakes can help you to learn more about what you do and don’t want.
Accept that life is a journey that is constantly shifting and changing; Get out of your own way by accepting where you are. Practice believing that you're right where you should be. Resisting this idea will just bring suffering.
Accept that “your best” effort might shift with the days, cycles and time periods of your life; Realize that you cannot always be on your “A game,” nor is it human to always show up 100%.
Accept the imperfection that is human. Shift away from looking at things from a "right" and "wrong" standpoint. That tends to breed blame and points fingers.
Forgiving yourself will improve your life. Forgiving both yourself and others will release unnecessary suffering and pain that you're holding onto. It’s worth it to take a look at your relationship with forgiveness. It can be a huge game changer to shift your relationship with this concept.
* Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.
Being Vulnerable: Why It's Worth It (No Matter What)
When you love; Why not love hard?
Given it’s a healthy environment (meaning person) to do that with; why not?
When you hold back, when you half love, when you don’t go all in, when you don’t fully expose your heart, you’re actually doing yourself a huge disservice.
Here’s why................
When you don’t give something your all, specifically when it comes to love, you don’t see what you need to see. You don’t see the full truth because how you show up will always mirror your experience. Meaning what you put in is what you'll get back. Commitment attracts commitment. You only see the full picture when you expose yourself to the full picture by making the choice to fully love and commit.
You get what you give in life.
Going "all in" requires commitment and vulnerability. These can be intimidating concepts, especially for those of us who struggle with a fear of commitment.
(*How do you know if you fear commitment? Check out the article I've linked. Usually, If you have a pretty solid pattern of dating or partnering with unavailable people, this is an aspect of your life to examine further.)
We don't always get what we want. Things will not always go how we think they should nor how we want them to go in relationships. We don't always know what's best for us, even when we think we do. This can be really hard to swallow. Sometimes we don’t want to accept the truth, which leads us toward resistance and feeling stuck. Anytime we're rejecting what is, we will face resistance.
“Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment to it. We want to know that it’s a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.”
When you go into a relationship with an open heart and mind something really important happens…..
You see the truth of the matter. You see the truth about the object of your affection. The real, unfiltered truth. When you show up fully, it’s easier and more apparent to spot someone whose not a true fit for you, or, who is simply, not revealing their truth.
One of the biggest learning experiences of my life, thus far, came from being involved in an "on and off again" relationship that started in my late teens and continued into my mid twenties. Now, with over a decade of perspective, I can say that one of the major reasons why it was on and off, on my end, was due to my inability to be all in and fully commit. I say that with no self blame, it’s just where I was at during that point in my life. Of course there were times of “all in,” I was in love with this man, although even 90% IN leaves openings for small cracks to become bigger and truth to corrode. When 100% trust and commitment is missing there's way more room for misunderstanding and a lack of communication and safety in a partnership.
Things become very blurred when you don’t go all in. Things get lost in translation because there's a lack of solid foundation to jump from. From my experience, cracks became gaps, which lead to distance. Distance led to blurred actions and unclear perceptions, which eventually led to a broken partnership. Even if only in my heart, I was fuzzy. Fuzzy and blurry will attract fuzzy and blurry......and it did. I will own that.
So, when you love, do your best to put it all out on the table because as you do, you will be able to make better decisions around who you're giving your heart too. When you give off clarity, you will get back clarity. When things are clear and transparent you see what you need to see in order to make healthy choices about your love life.
.......love hard.
* The above image was taken by good friend and photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.