Grieving A Never Life (The Life That Didn't Happen)
what is a never life?
A never life is the life that didn’t happen.
It’s the path that you didn’t go down. It’s the life that you once dreamed of having that, for whatever reason, never came to be. It’s what we thought, expected or hoped would happen, but didn’t.
A never life could be grief over the career we never explored, the relationship that didn’t work out, the city that we left unexplored, the kids we never had, the relationship with our parents that wasn’t & still isn’t….. it can show up in many different forms and it’s incredibly unique to us and our journey.
The kind of grieve and pain that “a never life” can activate can easily be overlooked by others because only we know the unseen desire we carry inwardly for what never was.
In her Dear Sugar column, Cheryl Strayed talks about the idea of a "sister life" (sometimes called "ghost ship" or "parallel life.”)
The basic idea of a sister life is this:
A "sister life" is the life you didn’t live — but could have lived — if you had made different choices, or if circumstances had been different. It’s the version of you that exists in theory, not in reality.
If you’re grieving a "never life," you’re experiencing one of the loneliest kinds of grief.
This is true because it’s invisible. There's no funeral, no white roses, no rituals, no casseroles dropped at your door or acknowledgement of the pain from the outside.
But inside, it's devastating. You and only you alone know the pain of a never life.
You are in a real grief process when mourning a never life.
It’s not about "getting over” it.
Rather that getting over it, coping and getting beyond the pain of a never life entails:
Letting yourself feel the layers of it, without trying to rush, avoid the pain of or minimize it.
It’s about eventually — slowly & gently — letting new seeds of life grow from a scorched earth of a dead dream.
Not to replace what you lost — nothing can — but to honor the fact that you are still here. You are still alive and because this is so, life must move forward in order for you to find happiness.
If you are in the mist of feeling the pain and loss of a never life; perhaps right now, it’s not about "moving on." Maybe right now, it’s about sitting with the black ash of what never happened and saying:
"This never life really mattered to me. This not happening for me hurts AND I will not let this define me. I will not allow this to be the climax of my story. I will not abandon myself here.”
The way out is moving toward acceptance
Ask yourself: what unborn dreams do I have that can still come to fruition? What dreams can still happen for me that would bring me joy, fulfillment, etc.? Maybe you say “none.'“ If so, okay; but work on allowing the space for new ones to emerge.
Remember that there are dreams that can still happen for you.
Here’s what’s important to remember and accept about the future:
It may look different than what you pictured. It may arrive slowly & unexpectedly. Your ability to experience what you desire — that part of you can be brought back to life; especially after it’s been numbed out by the pain of what didn’t happen; the pain of a never life.
I hope for these words to support you through your difficult feelings. Much love & resilience to you if you’re working through the pain of a never life. I’ve been there and sometimes revisit the pain of my never life as my actual reality continues to unfold. I notice that the pain more quickly passes when I allow the hard, painful feelings to be there rather than mask them and avoid them.
I think we all have things that we wish went differently; that’s human & real and it doesn’t need to define us.
I’ve learned that the only way beyond something hard; is through. In order to heal something you must face it and so is true with the pain that arises from a never life.
Below are some related resources for you:
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
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*Image by Photographer & Visual Artist Amy Lynn Bjornson
