“You’re So Defensive” (Unpacking Defense Mechanisms)
In the mist of conflict with a really important person in my life; I made a clear decision to listen rather than defend my argument. I let go of trying to convince the other party as to why they should see the situation from my perspective and I accepted the fact that they might never see it the way I see it. I listened with curiosity rather than waiting to rebuttal and defend my stance and allowed them the space to have their own opinion about our conflict. As I consciously did this; the walls came down between us and we were able to mend the tension that had been lingering between us for months.
To say it simply; the conflict was resolved.
What Are Defense Mechanisms?
Defense mechanisms are often unconscious strategies that we use to cope with hard feelings in order to protect ourselves from psychological harm. When we feel threatened our “wall” goes up and our defenses come out.
Our defense mechanisms are put in place to protect us from thoughts, feelings or memories that bring up painful and uncomfortable emotions. Defense mechanisms can lead us to bypass our emotions so we can avoid feeling overwhelmed. They are known to be our “psychological shields” protecting us from difficult emotions such as anxiety or shame.
Whenever we lack the skills to deal with life events or relationship conflict in healthy ways our lives will be met with more strain and struggle than need be. This is why it’s so valuable to know the ways that you show up when you’re on the defense.
If severe enough, the ways that our defensive behaviors come out can make or break our relationships and reduce the fulfillment of our lives.
This post offers you the chance to check in with how you uniquely cope and show up when situations arise that trigger defensive behavior. It can improve the quality of your life to have the awareness and skillset to remain calm and collected when you’re met with defense, conflict or any other difficult situation in your life.
Here are some ways that we defend & self protect
we anticipate
we make excuses
we project
we control
we avoid
we play victim
we believe we are “right”
we blame
we “dumb down” or invalidate our feelings and the feelings of others
These impulsive or disruptive ways of dealing with difficult situations are usually automatic and often unconscious. They're impulsive ways that we’ve (over time) taught ourselves how to deal with situations that threaten us in some way shape or form.
Before we break down these defense mechanisms, I want to take a moment to talk about a cliche topic that us therapists are known to bring up…….childhood. (i know; hang in with me here.)
The truth is that whoever acted as our primary caregivers growing up had a huge impact and influence on our development. Our caregivers were our first up close and personal examples of how to cope with our feelings, difficult situations, conflict and just about everything that goes into being a healthy and well functioning adult.
Some of us had parents that were emotionally intelligent and taught us really good tools to help us cope with disappointments, hard emotions and relationship conflict; while some of us did not.
Not handling our reactions well, could be the result of never learning how. This is not to place blame on anybody; this is to point out that sometimes we don’t pick up the healthy skills that we need to navigate life’s conflicts with more maturity.
(*Feel free to read my post on emotionally immature parents HERE.)
Freuds 7 Main Defense Mechanisms
Not that this gentleman needs an introduction for many of us, however, if you’re new to the name, Sigmund Freud was an Austrian neurologist and the founder of psychoanalysis. He believed that there are 7 main defense mechanisms that are expressed when threat is determined; denial, repression, projection, displacement, rationalization, reaction formation, and sublimation.
Lets go over what each of these look like, so you can identify what you’re specific defense mechanism(s) are:
1. Denial: Refusing to accept that something exists or happened. Denial involves ignoring “what is” in order to avoid difficult emotions. Read more about denial HERE.
key signs of denial:
refusal to talk about the problem.
justification of your behavior.
blaming external events or other people for causing the problem.
Continued involvement in a behavior despite negative consequences.
Talk of addressing the problem in the future.
Avoidance of thinking about the problem.
2. Repression: Keeping a thought, feeling, or memory of an experience out of consciousness. Read more about repression HERE.
Physical signs of repressed emotions include:
High blood pressure
Skin conditions
Fatigue
Obesity
Headache
Dizziness
Back, neck, chest and abdominal pain
*Repression is often confused with suppression, another defense mechanism. Where repression involves unconsciously blocking unwanted thoughts or impulses, suppression is entirely voluntary. Suppression is deliberately trying to forget or not think about painful or unwanted thoughts. EX: “I don’t want to think about that; let’s not talk about it.”
3. Projection: Attributing a threatening urge, impulse, or aspect of oneself to someone else. An example of projection would be instead of acknowledging that you’ve been disloyal, you may accuse your partner of disloyalty. Read more about projection HERE.
4. Displacement: Directing emotions from a threatening source to a safer target. Displacement helps us channel emotions and urges that could be considered inappropriate or harmful to more healthy, safe, or productive outlets. Read more about displacement HERE.
5. Rationalization: Creating an acceptable, yet false explanation of a situation, behaviors, thoughts or feelings by using logic. Read more about rationalization HERE.
Examples of rationalization:
Minimizing the situation (“It’s not that bad.”)
Making excuses
Blaming others
Making Comparisons (“What I did isn’t as bad as what (fill in a name) did last week.”)
“Explaining Away” the problem (“Sorry I didn’t show up, i had so much work to do.”)
6. Reaction formation: Doing the opposite of what you would really like to do. Acting in the opposite way of your true feelings. Read more about rationalization HERE.
*A classic example of reaction formation: A boy who puts down a girl on the playground because, on a subconscious level, he's attracted to her.
7. Sublimation: Known as one of the more “mature” of the defense mechanisms. Sublimation involves channeling unacceptable impulses into socially acceptable behaviors. This defense mechanism helps us to shift our unwanted impulses into less harmful and often even helpful actions and behaviors. Read more about sublimation HERE.
Awareness is key here. If you were able to identify your “emotional weapon” or defense mechanism throughout this post, you now have valuable information that can really help you to grow and expand in this area.
“Know thy enemy and know thy self” - Sun Tzu
Knowing the way in which you can show up defensively and working toward gaining healthier and more productive ways of coping with your ability to perceive a threat will help you greatly within your relationships and life. This is invaluable.
As always; thank you for reading and being here with me.
-xx, kim
*Above image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
What's Your Emotional Weapon? (Unpacking Defense Mechanisms)
My younger self used the emotional weapon of punishment. My punishment was silent. My quiet judgement and blocked off heart couldn’t be seen or heard, but it was.
This “punishing” behavior was extremely unconscious on my part, although, if i think back to my earlier relationships, particularly with men, I see how when I was hurt or disappointed, I punished.
Like so many of us, my claws came out when I was hurt, in pain and let down.
I cringe writing that, however it’s the truth.
The truth sometimes, and often, is not pretty, is uncomfortable and can make you feel the ick. I own this past aspect of my behavior and choose to expose it, for it’s a reminder of my growth, imperfection and journey.
Punishing is what I knew. It’s what was done to me; so it’s what I did to others. Isn’t that how it goes?
So often it is; we do to others, what was done to us.
Punishment is not a “defense mechanism” that I listed below, however it’s mine to speak of and, in this space with this particular topic, worth mentioning. I had a parent that I watched “punish” others when they felt wronged by ignoring, silent treatment, shaming, criticism, etc.
I still have to be mindful and aware of my initial response when i feel disappointment because, as we all know, old habits die hard. These days my response to feeling disappointment and hurt shows up as withdrawing and isolating. It’s shifted to more of a “self punishment” rather than an outward one. That’s the defense mechanism that I have to keep my eye on.
*Journal Prompt: What’s your defense mechanism? What do you need to keep your eye on? What do you do when you’re treated unfairly or get results from life that brings up undesirable feelings?
Defense mechanisms are ways that we, either consciously or not, have learned to protect ourselves from psychological harm. The problem is that, often, they are negative ways of coping that we developed in our younger years by modeling behavior of what was done to us. Defensive behaviors also result as ways to cope with hard feelings when we’re not emotionally or mentally equipped to know or do any different.
It takes awareness to be intentional and choose a healthy response when we’re dealing with hard circumstances. It takes emotional intelligence to handle things in a healthy way if we were never taught to do so. It takes emotional intelligence and a healthy amount of self awareness to handle life and all the challenges and feelings it exposes us too; Period.
Food for Thought: Defense mechanisms that come out more intensely in our adulthood could point to unhealed insecurities from our childhood.
Let’s go over some common defense mechanisms that we might use to cope that can be causing havoc in our lives and relationships. *Note: We’re all human and, most likely have times when defensive behaviors arise. In this particular post, I’m not speaking to the human condition of having a bad day and having a moment where a behavior that’s doesn’t highlight your best self temporarily overtakes you.
In this post I’m speaking to when the way you’re consistently responding to life, via your defensive behaviors, is causing harm. When these behaviors and forms of protection become tools for how you handle your uncomfortable feelings consistently, that’s when there’s something to reflect and shine a light on.
11 Common Defense Mechanisms
Denial: Refusing to acknowledge real facts or circumstances that lead to anxiety or unpleasant emotions. Denial can also involve altering the meaning of an event so that its impact is diverted and denied. Example: If something important to you goes wrong, in order to cope, you might twist reality by convincing yourself that “you just don’t care.”
Projection: Attributing a threatening urge, impulse, or aspect of oneself to someone else. Projection is a way of putting your unpleasant feelings or circumstances onto another. For example, instead of acknowledging that you’re mad at someone, you may accuse the other of being mad at you.
Rationalization: Justifying or validating a mistake or problem with logic and reasoning. Creating an acceptable but incorrect explanation of a situation. An attempt to validate an action, behavior or truth into something it’s not.
Intellectualization: Thinking about something logically, coldly and without emotion. It’s where intricate thinking is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Avoidance: Avoiding handling a problem by non acknowledgment. With avoidance, you’ll dismiss any uncomfortable or negative thoughts or feelings without trying to understand them. You might also avoid people or places that make you feel uncomfortable.
Repression: Blocking difficult thoughts from your conscious awareness. Keeping a thought, feeling, or memory of an experience out of consciousness. It’s the “forget about it” approach. Things such as forbidden desires, painful or emotionally difficult situations could be what you would repress.
Reaction formation: Doing the opposite of what you would really like to do. Example: Going out of your way to be nice to someone you really disliked?
Regression: Returning to an earlier or more childlike form of defense. Physical and psychological stress may sometimes lead people to abandon their more mature self and defense mechanisms. Example: Whining in a childlike manner on a first date would be a display of regression.
Displacement: Substituting aggression with a substitute object. Example: being frustrated with your dad, so you’re mean to your girlfriend.
Compartmentalization: Separating components of your life into different detached catagories in order to avoid conflicting emotions. Seeing aspects of your life as separate verses a cohesive whole of what your life is and who you are. Example: “Whatever happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico.”
Compensation: The act of overachieving in one area to compensate for failure in another. “This psychological strategy allows people to disguise inadequacies, frustrations, stresses, or urges by directing energy toward excelling or achieving in other areas. While it can be beneficial at times, it can also cause problems when it is overused or misapplied.” (verywellmind)
Healing Defensive Coping
Learn & develop healthy coping skills: Examples could be establishing more effective ways to communicate, committing to regular exercise, establishing healthy boundaries, engaging in a consistent yoga or meditation practice or evolving your level of self awareness and growth.
Seek therapy: Having an environment that encourages and supports your personal growth can help you identify and shift any negative behaviors and ways of coping that you might be doing.
Increase your level of self awareness: As you increase your level of self awareness you will increase your awareness of any behaviors that you might be doing that are unhealthy or negatively impacting your life and relationships.
As always, so much of “the work” when it comes to personal wellness is continually doing and exposing yourself to things that help you grow and evolve as a human. Stay open and courageous enough to admit where there’s “work” to be done and continue to embark on the journey toward your best self.
Cheers friends. Wishing you well.
*Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson taken of her clothing line @jadedclothing