Creating Authentic Connection (how to (really) get to know someone)
As a therapist it’s been pretty wild to be in the room with engaged or married couples who’ve actually never asked each other questions that some of you may consider “The Basics” when considering spending a lifetime together.
QUESTIONS SUCH AS:
Do you want kids?
Where would you want to live once married?
How would we handle our finances if we tie the knot?
What would the holidays look like with our families if we couple up?
What do you consider “adventurous” traveling?
Avoiding, what some would consider, such “obvious” questions says something about how vulnerable and uncomfortable it can be for some of us to genuinely connect & get real.
BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THIS; HERE’S A DIRTY LITTLE TRUTH
How honest and connected we can be with others aligns with how real, truthful & connected we are to ourselves.
I don’t think that there’s anyway around this. To preface this post; the first step toward gaining more authentic connection is to increase our level of self awareness so we can be as authentic as possible with ourselves. Having the ability to be real with ourselves; will allow us to be equally real with the important people in our lives.
WHY ASKING DEEPER QUESTIONS CAN BE HARD
Sometimes we stay in relationships and don’t want to know the hard answers because some answers may require us to face a truth that we’re not ready to face. Sometimes we unconsciously might know what an answer to a specific question may be and avoid “going there” because it would require us to have to change or take action in a way that we don’t want to deal with.
Simply put, we may refrain from asking the deeper questions because we fear what we’ll hear.
What we might hear can ruin our dream or fantasy of who we want that person to be or what we've already decided the relationship is going to look and feel like.
When fear leads and we’re set on a preconceived idea and plan of how we want the relationship to be & go, we live in a place of assuming rather than truly knowing. Assumptions lead to a lot of misunderstanding and chaos.
Avoiding difficult conversations that allow someone to further self disclose, puts us more at risk of staying in and entertaining relationships that are not for us.
Whatever may be the case; just like everything in life; what we don’t deal with or face doesn’t go away. What we avoid will eventually lead us toward negative coping mechanisms.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Intentional, clear and well directed questions allow us to get to know the deeper layers of a person and often lead to bigger conversations about relevant life topics. Topics that help us discern if a certain someone fits into our value system and aligns with our morals for the long run.
Tactful, well thought out questions are the gateway toward determining if someone is, ultimately, the "right" fit for us.
If what you're looking for is a real and healthy connection, go toward the questions that are likely to provoke conversations that can unveil the truth.
The responses, reactions and answers that we get from the questions that we pose to our partner or within our relationships help us to discover more of “the truth.” With more clarity and truth we then have valuable information to make thoughtful decisions for ourselves and our relationship lives.
I always like to say: when you say the truth you see the truth.
It takes time to really get to know another. For example, only time will reveal how a person shows up in the face of loss, death, hardship, disaster or when an uncomfortable situation presents. There's always more to get to know as people have many facets and deep layers beyond the initial "getting to know you phase.”
A KEY QUALITY TO HEALTHY CONNECTION
An ability to “be with” discomfort says volumes about one’s emotional capacity. In terms of looking for healthy connection, looking for signs that the person on the other end of you is emotionally mature is incredibly important. It’s very difficult to connect deeply with someone that lacks the ability to be emotionally available or mature.
With that said; let’s clear something up: Difficult questions can and often do bring up uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort is not negative; it’s just is.
Watching someone have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort without shutting down, handling it negatively or turning on you is important for you to witness.
A healthy emotional place to aim for is being able to allow discomfort without negative reaction. It’s realizing that looking at what’s real sometimes involves facing hurt or painful places. Having the emotional maturity to “face the truth” and deal with the emotions that “the truth” brings up is a skill that’s invaluable for both you and your partner to have in order for healthy, long term connection.
TIPS TO DETERMINE IF A RELATIONSHIP IS A GOOD MATCH
Ask intentional questions and pay attention to answers & actions. (How does your partners responses make you feel?)
Pay attention to personal integrity, honesty and an ability to be authentic, vulnerable & emotionally mature.
Does their answers to your questions align with their consistent actions? (always look for words & actions matching)
Is who they portray themselves to be via words match and align with how they show up with you and in the world?
Do you feel good and energized after you spend time with them or indifferent and drained? (pay attention to how you feel after being around another’s energy.)
What should you do with the information you learn from asking questions?
Pay attention. Be intentional with your questions and look for ways that your partner aligns with the aspects of life that you have decided are important to you. Look for alignment with your priorities, morals, life values, etc. Also, be mindful of the small stuff; "how they treat the waitress." Noticing how your partner interacts consistently with the world around them can help inspire questions and can answer some without any dialogue needed.
“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” - Mark Twain
If you’re at a loss with the kind of questions that can allow for more insight & deeper connection with another; here are some examples:
What’s one topic that you would take a stand for?
What’s are the qualities that you value in yourself and others?
What values and ways of being do you think create a healthy relationship?
What is one of the most important relationships in your life and why?
"What is one of the biggest regrets you have in life?"
"What is the most challenging thing you've ever had to overcome?"
"How do you feel about your relationship with your family?"
"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?"
As always, thank you for reading and being here with me.
An Invitation For You
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*Above image by photographer & visual artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Healthy Romantic Love (What It Looks & Feels Like)
Each connection that we have with another is so unique, which is what makes it special. Listed below are some solid traits of a healthy partnership. Being aware of the aspects that make relationships rich and fulfilling can help you identify what you’re lacking or what you’re grateful for. Either way, knowledge around what’s healthy can help you identify topics and initiate conversations in your partnerships in order to create a higher level of connection. It also can help you identify what you can individually work on in order to improve the quality of your connection.
There is NO perfect. This is a quick post for you to become more mindful or refresh your awareness of what a healthy, loving relationship contains. Whether you’re in a long term partnership, a marriage or looking for love, I’m hoping that this can help you assess where you’re uniquely at in terms of creating the love that you want.
7 Traits of Healthy & Loving Relationships
It feels CONSIDERATE
You feel considered. You feel like your partner considers you when it comes to their choices. They consider how you will be impacted by the decisions that they make. Your partner considers your feelings about the decisions that will impact you. They want you to feel considered and important and they take action to make that clear.
In a nutshell: Your partner considers your feelings. They’re consistently mindful of how their decisions impact you.
2. It’s CONSISTENT
You’re going to be on a bit of a ride with whoever you’re in a long term partnership with because that’s just the nature of a long term relationship. You’re going to go through and see some “stuff’ together; pain, happiness, hardships, fun times, loses, gains, wins, etc. Through all of the twists and turns, a healthy relationship will be consistent and steady. That’s stabilizing. If a hurricane is blowing all around you, a partner that can hold you steady and keep you stabilized as the wind and rain is doing it’s best to blow you over is what we all need in our loving relationships.
At the end of the day, find someone who is consistent. We trust people whose words and actions match up consistently over time.
3. It’s TRUSTING
You trust the judgement of your partner and they trust yours. It’s mutual. You trust that their actions and behaviors consider the basis of what a commitment is based on; love, respect & kindness. Each individual in the relationship has the room and space to tend to things outside the partnership that fill one another up. Each individual has the room to be whole.
A healthy relationship feels calm and open, not restrictive and heavy. The energy that you feel within a connection says a thousand words. Listen to what your body and mind is saying and feeling. Do you need to over explain in order to feel heard? Do you believe that you have the space to do healthy things for yourself without fearing a negative response from your partner?
Ultimately I’m speaking to feeling like someone trusts you. It’s an unsaid energy. I hope this feeling or you in your loving partnership.
4. It’s EMOTIONALLY SAFE
You feel safe to disclose your emotions with your partner. You feel confident that you can bring up your emotions and be heard. Being “heard” doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will agree, but they will respect your emotions. They won’t make you feel judged or criticized based on how you perceive things. If they do, you can bring it up, communicate about it and work it through.
(Again, nobody is going to be perfect, but within a healthy partnership, you will be able to work through a lot of the kinks.)
When we feel emotionally safe in relationships we don’t feel judged, dismissed or invalidated. On the contrary, we feel understood, loved and validated. We feel like our partner considers what’s in our best interest.
5. It feels LOVING
You feel love and kindness from your partner. They verbalize or show you that they love you. They use their specific Love Language to express their love for you and you can feel it. You don’t question it and if you do for whatever reason, it can be cleared up with communication.
This leads to the next point……
6. You COMMUNICATE Well
Being in a relationship where you feel like your partner gives you space to voice your concerns and spends time and energy attempting to understand your feelings and emotions is priceless. There’s so much involved in good communication.
Feeling like you can bring up concerns or topics with your partner without fearing a negative reaction is so important. Meaning, so much of the time, we end up not saying anything because of the reaction that we don’t want to get from others. This causes conflict and resentment to build. Being in a relationship where you feel like, for the most part, someone is able to give you the platform to self express without shut down, criticism, or judgement lays the foundation for how that partnership is going to evolve over time.
7. It feels BALANCED
Your partner allows you the time and space to nurture other aspects of your life without guilting you. Your partner allows you to spend time and energy in other areas that allow you to be a balanced person; health, friendships, career, interests, etc. You also give the same grace and understanding to your partner. You each have awareness of what it takes for you to be a healthy individual, which allows your partnership to be more rich and fulfilling.
Of course, this list can go on, but these are some staple points to have in mind while you’re either attracting love to you or are in a committed partnership or marriage. It’s always good to go over the basics and do some inventory on where you’re at.
Take this all in with a grain of salt. There’s no “perfect” relationship. We’re all works in progress, shifting and changing with time, which is also true of our relationships.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Image above is by Renata Amazonas, Photographer.
How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are a major buzz word in the world of self help. It’s one of those words that we’ve probably heard, knowing that we’re “suppose to” have them, but what are good boundaries really?
We’re told to have boundaries, but how to you get them?
Having boundaries is a topic that comes up in some way, shape or form with every client that comes my way. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our ability to have healthy boundaries correlates with how happy and fulfilled we will feel in our relationships and, ultimately, our lives.
Wherever you are in your relationship with boundaries, I’m going to speak a bit about the topic because I feel it’s a game changer to live a life where your boundaries are clear and strong.
As you increase your boundaries you’ll, consequently, up level your overall feeling of happiness and decrease your stress load. This is so because the side effect of having no boundaries leaves us in a consistent rhythm of running around trying to please others while denying our needs. With that said, we each have our own unique relationship with boundaries and it will benefit us to have more knowing around this hot topic.
So, lets get right to it and start evaluating where we are in terms of our relationship with boundaries.
What Exactly Are Boundaries?
Boundaries represent our ability to honor our needs and wants regardless of others expectations of us. Simply put, it’s saying “No” when someone wants us to say “Yes.” It’s drawing a line when we feel like our healthy needs and wants are being ignored or compromised by another’s request.
How Do We Show Up When We Don’t Have Boundaries?
In short; not good, but since that’s not a helpful-slash-professional answer, let me go further.
We people please
We self sacrifice
We look to please others more than pleasing ourselves
We quickly ditch our needs to tend to others needs
We say “Yes” when we actually mean “No”
We take responsibility for what’s not ours
We are Passive Aggressive (Because we are doing things we don’t really want to do)
So, with that said……
Why Don’t We Have Boundaries?
Meaning, why in the world would we do this to ourselves? Why would we actively choose to run around pleasing everyone but ourselves? Honoring others needs at the expense of denying or rejecting ours?
Why Would We Do This!?
There’s lots of reasons why we might be struggling to have clear boundaries within our lives and relationships. Sometimes it’s because we hate conflict and are scared to say “No.” Sometimes it’s because we never learned about boundaries within our family of origins and got thrown out into the world trying to understand why we often get “taken advantage of” or “walked over.”
Side note: Those of us with none or weak boundaries will be a victim of these behaviors.
Let me make a statement that’s so important to remember, perhaps it can be your new mantra….
Repeat after me:
People respect people who respect themselves.
The reality is, even though we will feel uncomfortable laying down boundaries for ourselves, especially if we haven’t done so in the past, clear and consistent boundaries will improve our lives. Straight up. People might not like our boundaries, but they will respect us more for putting them up. Why? Because having boundaries is telling the world that we honor ourselves.
It’s saying:
“Yo, I care about me and I’m going to say no when something doesn’t feel right because I honor myself.”
Whether the person on the receiving end agrees with your boundaries or not, should not be your point of focus. A healthy point of focus when implementing boundaries is to anchor on the fact that you’re making a self serving choice that’s communicating to others how much you care about you. (Most importantly, it’s communicating to YOU that you care about you.) This, in turn, will teach others how to treat you, as that’s what we’re always doing via our actions. (Whether we’re conscious of it or not.)
Which leads to the second mantra I have for you:
I’m teaching others how to treat me by how I’m treating myself.
Great! So now that we have awareness around what boundaries are and how important it is to cultivate them, below is a list of 5 tips on how to start acquiring boundaries. These can be helpful regardless of where you are within your unique process of boundary setting.
How Do You Get Boundaries If You Have None? (5 Tips)
1. Get In Tune With What You Need
HOW: Taking time for yourself will increase the volume on your inner, intuitive self. As the noise decreases and we give ourselves time and space, we often can come to a place of greater clarity. This clarity will help us to see new perspectives and, ultimately, lead us to grow.
2. Honor Your Needs by Taking Positive Action
HOW: Little choice by little choice is how big change occurs. If you commit to taking small actions consistently, you will notice an overall shift in your life.
3. Watch Overdoing Yourself and the Over Compensation Of Your Time and Energy
HOW: Look for the virtue of reciprocation within your relationships. Healthy relationships have an organic balance to them. It’s not “tit for tat,” it’s just a flow. Watch your old patterns of over giving and eliminate subjecting yourself from taking on more than you can handle. BALANCE is your focal point with this one.
4. Find Coping for the Guilt & Discomfort That Arises As You Honor Your Boundaries
HOW: Remind yourself that establishing and holding your boundaries is how you respect yourself. In the long run, leading with this way of functioning will produce a more positive outcome. (In the short term, it may be gut wrenchingly hard, but please hang in there) Having boundaries is a win/win. As the guilt and discomfort appears with saying “No,” practice sitting with this emotion by allowing it to be there. (Hey guilt, what’s up?) It sounds simple, but it’s a practice that will take some time. As you put attention to this practice, over time, the guilty feelings will weaken and you’ll be able to make healthy choices without so much discomfort.
5. Get Used To Taking Up Space
HOW: Watch your ability to over apologize. Be mindful of your habit of comparing yourself to others with the false story that someone is “better” than you. So untrue my friend. Practice being in a room with an open heart and standing rooted in who you are. Allow your voice to be heard and your words to be expressed. Take up some dang space please. Know that you’re worthy of it.
There can be some relationships that we find more challenging to hold our boundaries with than others. This is common. The truth is that some relationships are going to fall away as we set a healthy framework for ourselves. This can be really hard, although, hang in there because any relationship that prefers you to constantly “do” for them is not a relationship that is going to build you up. Boundaries shine the truth on relationships. The truth can hurt, although it’s better to see it than pretend and deny reality.
People that care about us are going to understand and respect our boundaries/ They may not like them, but they’ll understand and adjust accordingly.
I’m going to say that again: The people who genuinely love us are going to be able to adjust to our new and healthy boundaries. The relationships that aren’t willing to meet you half way will fall away. Trust this process.
Gaining and implementing boundaries within your life is a skill set that will forever benefit you. Honor yourself in this life by having clarity around what your boundaries are and having the courage to stand strong beside them.
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.
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How to Stop Selflessly Compromising Yourself in Your Relationships
Is Any of This Hard For You?
Having the guts to be true to yourself amongst others opinions. Saying NO to others. Disappointing someone whose asking you to give more than what’s comfortable for you to give. Having a hard time refraining from doing what others expect you to do, especially when it doesn’t work for you. Making self respecting choices when others around you are choosing differently.
If the situations above are frequent challenges, you might be a people pleaser Babe.
With that said, I had a topic suggestion from a friend that I want to speak too because it seems to be a common struggle. I believe it’s a topic that many of us will be able to connect with and the root of it lies in self respect, self love and our ability to have good boundaries.
Here’s the question:
“How do you balance the desire to be a supportive friend without compromising your own energy and boundaries?”
Being a supportive friend does not entail compromising things that are healthy for you. Having good boundaries and showing up for your needs are two factors that a healthy connection does not ask you to compromise.
Remember that “supportive” doesn’t entail tolerating being “dumped on.”
Within friendship, or any relationship for that matter, “stuff” is gonna go down. Friends are going to have upsets that they share, that’s a given. Even more so when it’s a close relationship. Although, there’s a very different energy to distinguish between sharing information with someone vs. dumping information onto someone.
Sharing is healthy; Dumping is not.
When someone is “dumping” on you there’s a draining, exhausting and heavy energy to it.
If you feel a consistent hesitation when a particular friend calls for your support or a hang out, this could be a red flag that you’re compromising something within yourself when in company with this other person. This doesn’t mean that you need to let go of the friendship. It does point to tightening your boundaries around this relationship. With doing so, the connection will either become healthier, shift for the better and grow or not.
Here’s some perspective on how to get past your guilt so you can go about putting boundaries on a friendship that needs them.
Your Feelings Are Legit
There’s a reason for your feelings. Honor them. When something feels off or icky, it’s probably because it is. Trust yourself and be mindful to not validate “why” this person needs you. You need to show up for yourself first. Nobody needs you as much as you need yourself.
Too Nice is Not Nice
I’m all about being friendly and nice. I think having empathy, being open and polite to others is such an amazing way to be. I also think that you have to honor and respect yourself, which means making sure you’re not only being nice to others, but also being kind to yourself. Usually this entails saying “NO” from time to time. For the record, compromising your needs is not a self respecting choice and will drain your energy. Hyper hospitality is often a symptom of people pleasing that gives others the go ahead to walk over you.
Hang In There
The reality is that if you’re going to establish good boundaries, it’s essential to be able to tolerate the guilt of not pleasing someone. I know, it’s going to be uncomfortable for a bit. While tolerating the guilt of not being everything to everyone, you give yourself the opportunity to establish a new way of being by setting well intentioned boundaries. Just like anything that ’s a process, you have to get through the guilt by allowing the feeling to be there while deconstructing your guilty feelings with perspective. Reminding yourself that you’re not being “mean” or “selfish” for making self honoring choices sounds so basic, but it’s important to practice. Often times, when we’re functioning from a people pleasing place, we feel a lot of guilt for not being or doing what others want us to be and do. This is the wiring that we have to correct in order to establish a healthier way of connecting with others. This will begin to shift the dynamics within our relationships.
Allow Space
Allowing space for your friend or partner to work out their own stuff is healthy; It’s not mean. If that person guilts you for not constantly being there when they need you, that’s more of a red flag for you to pay attention too, rather then jumping to the conclusion that you’re a negligent friend.
Healthy adults have the capacity to work through their own stuff. Healthy adults don’t expect you to take care of their emotions. You’re there to support them. You’re not there to fix it for them.
When we’re coming from a people pleasing space there’s often a confusion around fixing vs. being supportive. Take a step back and give a situation space so you can establish your boundaries. Also, make room for that other party to work out their own stuff.
To sum this up: Babes, please take the pressure off yourself to BE everything to other people. It’s exhausting and it’s not the way to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. It’s just not. Remember that people respect people who respect themselves. Period. One of the most attractive and magnetic qualities to have is self respect. One of the biggest actions to take in order to cultivate that quality is to have solid boundaries.
We need you. The world needs your energy. It doesn’t need you continuously self sacrificing and giving beyond your means. Establishing boundaries will help you see your relationships in a new way and will leave you feeling more confident about you.
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson