Confiding in Others (Why It's Important and Tips to Keep it Healthy)
Trusting someone to confide in can be hard to do. It’s scary to trust someone to hold what’s vulnerable for us to say.
we fear judgement. we fear not fitting in.
Yet, the truth is that we connect more with others when we go beneath the surface. Going beneath the surface is where deep connection lives. It’s so important for your mental and emotional wellness to know who the people are in your life in which you can confide in.
On the flip side of things: someone confiding in you is a true honor. It’s something to be mindful & intentional about.
In short, when it comes to others confiding in you; be a vault.
Be respectful of what others chose to keep private and solely disclose to you. Find ways to refrain from talking about others personal lives when they’ve asked you to keep the conversation between you and them private.
With that said; use your healthy discernment to decipher if a topic is healthy for you to hold. (we’ll get into this more below)
Your ability to hold space for someone is important in so many ways; you’re proving to yourself that you can be trust worthy. You’re proving to the other party that you can be, which will earn you mutual respect and keep the connection healthy.
We act as a safe place for others when we refrain from telling what’s not ours to tell. It will eliminate so much drama, outward chaos and strained relationships if we can learn how to hold space for other in a healthy way.
Simply put; Be a person that sways away from the drama and chaos of gossip.
What does confiding in someone actually mean?
Google says: “To confide in someone is to tell them something privately. We confide in people we trust. We all have secrets and subjects that are hard to talk about. When we want to talk about something sensitive, we look for someone to confide in: a person we trust not to blab about our business to the rest of the world. “ -(google)
How about when someone confiding in you becomes heavy and feels unhealthy?
Sometimes what others are asking you to keep private is unhealthy for you to hold alone. There are times when what others are asking you to hold is putting you in a compromising position. This could look like being put in the middle of a mutual friends disagreement; where you feel like you’re hearing information about a mutual party that’s bringing you into the conflict. (This is called triangulation in the world of psychology. This basically means that one party is trying to draw you into their side of the issue. This tactic is manipulative and can cause a lot of emotional harm to our connections.)
This could look like hearing information that’s not healthy or appropriate for you to keep to yourself. A solid example of this is when someone discloses any sort of situation that is unsafe. (self harm, abuse, etc)
It’s a really difficult thing to navigate when we’re hearing information that’s either not meant for our ears or where we’re holding information about the safety of another that puts us in a questionable spot.
So, what do you do when someone confiding in you, puts you in a tricky spot?
Here are 4 quick tips on how to handle this kind of situation:
Don’t compromise your values / sense of self (ever). Any situation or piece of information that requires you to compromise your moral compass, what you value or believe in is something to really question and think twice about. This usually is a sign that what you’re being asked to keep silent is unhealthy.
Don’t act impulsively. If the situation allows for it; give yourself the time to reflect on the situation in order to make a grounded decision on how to handle it versus acting on your impulses.
Seek professional consultation. If a situation is beyond what a friendship could or should hold; it’s a good idea to seek professional help in order to proceed. This could look like calling the SAMHSA hotline or seeking guidance from a licensed professional.
Be straight forward. Share with the person whose confiding in you in a respectful and caring way that the information disclosed is concerning (or share what it’s bringing up for you.) Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s okay for you to be authentic with someone about how something is making you feel. Too often we validate why “we can’t” treat ourselves with the respect that we deserve.
I hope this post offers you some sense of direction in terms of how to navigate the tricky relationship situations that we can sometimes find ourselves in. When in doubt, trust your internal compass and pay attention to when something is not sitting well within.
*The above image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How To Be A Good Friend During Times of Social Distancing & Quarantine
I recently asked my instagram crew for a blog topic. I love creating content around questions and topics that you guys want to hear more about. Keep em’ coming.
Here’s the question that I’ll be speaking too:
How can you be a good friend during these times? (times of social distancing, quarantine, COVID-19)
Meaning “these times,” when there’s limited ways of spending in person, face to face, time with friends and family. A time where we’re pretty limited in where we can go and what we can do. I want to speak to what we do have control of in order to honor the connections that we hold dear and want to keep alive and thriving.
Side note: I also want to say this, when times get tough is where we have the opportunity to see the truth of people, places and things. It could be an interesting time for you to pay attention to things such as; what you’re missing, what you’re not missing and who you feel pulled to connect with.
I’ve heard from several people that the way they’re connecting at this time, although limited, has been rich as people are getting creative in sending the message that they care.
Wherever you may fall right now in terms of relating to your loved ones, I think it’s important to be flexible. When options are limited, it’s important to practice your built in flexibility muscle. You might be noticing that people who have difficultly being flexible, struggle more during times of uncertainty. When the pickings are slim it requires us to tap into giving things a try that we usually wouldn’t gravitate toward. (This also helps us discover new habits and ways of being that we might really come to enjoy.)
Below are three quick tips to consider if you’re pondering how to be a solid friend in the mist of what we’re all facing (together) at this time.
1. Just. Listen.
If all you do is listen, you’re doing far more than you’ll ever know. Unfortunately, I notice how “just listening” doesn’t feel like it’s doing enough for some. Especially for those of us who are driven by tangible results and want to see proof of how our actions cause an effect on another. I completely understand that AND, learning to honor your listening ear, while valuing how healing and significant a role it plays in all your relationships is key to feeling good about how you’re showing up.
If you think about the relationships that you most trust and appreciate, I’m guessing that the component of feeling heard because the other is genuinely listening is at play.
Main take away: As simple as it sounds, if you just listen, you’re doing so much. This will always be true.
Take Care of You
The quality of your relationships will correlate with the level of trust and love that you have within yourself. Everything my loves, everything, is going to be a result of the relationship that you have with yourself. Your reality is and will continue to be a reflection of how you care for and treat your beautiful self.
Side note #2: With that said, it never helps to do a little self inventory, especially now in a time where a lot of the busyness of life has been stripped away. This is a great time to invest attention and energy into your level of self awareness if you choose.
How you speak to yourself, what you eat, what you tolerate, how you move and treat your body are all components of how you take care of yourself. This, ultimately, reflects the care you hold for your life itself. This level of respect that you hone will be felt and reflected back to you within your connections.
Genuinely Connect
Have you ever noticed that it’s about quality not quantity when it comes to feeling fulfilled in your relationships? What do I mean by that? I’m pointing you to look at the quality of your connections vs. judging your connection on more surface level details. (how much you see, talk or spend time with another) We all know that you can work, go to school with or have a neighbor (or family member) that you might see all the time, but don’t feel genuinely connected too.
It can be to your advantage to take note about how you feel in relationship with another vs. focusing on the more surface details. I’m not taking away the fact that those ingredients (history, frequency of talking, etc.) play a role in a strong connection and create really good substance in a relationship, rather, I’m asking you to look deeper.
Each relationship is unique and it’s for you to honestly evaluate. What you give, in terms of your attention, energy, non judgement and love is what has the potential to make a connection very rich. Even if that’s just over the phone or screen.
Your friends are a reflection of you. You get to choose who you decide to call a friend.
With that said, at the end of the day, reach out to those whom you love. Ditch the excuse that there’s no time. Remember that a small gesture goes a long way. It’s often, the little things that bond us and make us fall for the other, quirks and all.
On that note, if you’re biting at the bit to let a dear friend know that your thinking of them during this time, check this out…..
A dear friend of mine, Beckie Peralta, the jewelry designer behind SINE STUDIO JEWELRY currently has a collection of necklaces on “Care Cards” for you to send to your loved ones. It’s a great way to give vibes of surprise & love from afar. Your personal message will be written on the card & will be shipped directly to your pal! DM her on INSTAGRAM to place your order.
*Above image by Wedding & Lifestyle photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.