Creating Authentic Connection (how to (really) get to know someone)
As a therapist it’s been pretty wild to be in the room with engaged or married couples who’ve actually never asked each other questions that some of you may consider “The Basics” when considering spending a lifetime together.
QUESTIONS SUCH AS:
Do you want kids?
Where would you want to live once married?
How would we handle our finances if we tie the knot?
What would the holidays look like with our families if we couple up?
What do you consider “adventurous” traveling?
Avoiding, what some would consider, such “obvious” questions says something about how vulnerable and uncomfortable it can be for some of us to genuinely connect & get real.
BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THIS; HERE’S A DIRTY LITTLE TRUTH
How honest and connected we can be with others aligns with how real, truthful & connected we are to ourselves.
I don’t think that there’s anyway around this. To preface this post; the first step toward gaining more authentic connection is to increase our level of self awareness so we can be as authentic as possible with ourselves. Having the ability to be real with ourselves; will allow us to be equally real with the important people in our lives.
WHY ASKING DEEPER QUESTIONS CAN BE HARD
Sometimes we stay in relationships and don’t want to know the hard answers because some answers may require us to face a truth that we’re not ready to face. Sometimes we unconsciously might know what an answer to a specific question may be and avoid “going there” because it would require us to have to change or take action in a way that we don’t want to deal with.
Simply put, we may refrain from asking the deeper questions because we fear what we’ll hear.
What we might hear can ruin our dream or fantasy of who we want that person to be or what we've already decided the relationship is going to look and feel like.
When fear leads and we’re set on a preconceived idea and plan of how we want the relationship to be & go, we live in a place of assuming rather than truly knowing. Assumptions lead to a lot of misunderstanding and chaos.
Avoiding difficult conversations that allow someone to further self disclose, puts us more at risk of staying in and entertaining relationships that are not for us.
Whatever may be the case; just like everything in life; what we don’t deal with or face doesn’t go away. What we avoid will eventually lead us toward negative coping mechanisms.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Intentional, clear and well directed questions allow us to get to know the deeper layers of a person and often lead to bigger conversations about relevant life topics. Topics that help us discern if a certain someone fits into our value system and aligns with our morals for the long run.
Tactful, well thought out questions are the gateway toward determining if someone is, ultimately, the "right" fit for us.
If what you're looking for is a real and healthy connection, go toward the questions that are likely to provoke conversations that can unveil the truth.
The responses, reactions and answers that we get from the questions that we pose to our partner or within our relationships help us to discover more of “the truth.” With more clarity and truth we then have valuable information to make thoughtful decisions for ourselves and our relationship lives.
I always like to say: when you say the truth you see the truth.
It takes time to really get to know another. For example, only time will reveal how a person shows up in the face of loss, death, hardship, disaster or when an uncomfortable situation presents. There's always more to get to know as people have many facets and deep layers beyond the initial "getting to know you phase.”
A KEY QUALITY TO HEALTHY CONNECTION
An ability to “be with” discomfort says volumes about one’s emotional capacity. In terms of looking for healthy connection, looking for signs that the person on the other end of you is emotionally mature is incredibly important. It’s very difficult to connect deeply with someone that lacks the ability to be emotionally available or mature.
With that said; let’s clear something up: Difficult questions can and often do bring up uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort is not negative; it’s just is.
Watching someone have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort without shutting down, handling it negatively or turning on you is important for you to witness.
A healthy emotional place to aim for is being able to allow discomfort without negative reaction. It’s realizing that looking at what’s real sometimes involves facing hurt or painful places. Having the emotional maturity to “face the truth” and deal with the emotions that “the truth” brings up is a skill that’s invaluable for both you and your partner to have in order for healthy, long term connection.
TIPS TO DETERMINE IF A RELATIONSHIP IS A GOOD MATCH
Ask intentional questions and pay attention to answers & actions. (How does your partners responses make you feel?)
Pay attention to personal integrity, honesty and an ability to be authentic, vulnerable & emotionally mature.
Does their answers to your questions align with their consistent actions? (always look for words & actions matching)
Is who they portray themselves to be via words match and align with how they show up with you and in the world?
Do you feel good and energized after you spend time with them or indifferent and drained? (pay attention to how you feel after being around another’s energy.)
What should you do with the information you learn from asking questions?
Pay attention. Be intentional with your questions and look for ways that your partner aligns with the aspects of life that you have decided are important to you. Look for alignment with your priorities, morals, life values, etc. Also, be mindful of the small stuff; "how they treat the waitress." Noticing how your partner interacts consistently with the world around them can help inspire questions and can answer some without any dialogue needed.
“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” - Mark Twain
If you’re at a loss with the kind of questions that can allow for more insight & deeper connection with another; here are some examples:
What’s one topic that you would take a stand for?
What’s are the qualities that you value in yourself and others?
What values and ways of being do you think create a healthy relationship?
What is one of the most important relationships in your life and why?
"What is one of the biggest regrets you have in life?"
"What is the most challenging thing you've ever had to overcome?"
"How do you feel about your relationship with your family?"
"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?"
As always, thank you for reading and being here with me.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Above image by photographer & visual artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Are You Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners? (Identifying Why & Tips to Change)
It’s an utterly frustrating and disappointing experience to be in relationship with an unavailable partner. Especially when your heart has opened and allowed another to enter your sacred space and dance in your intimate light. It can be extremely painful to find yourself tangled up with someone who, simply, doesn’t have the emotional capacity to show up.
Whether you’re in partnership with “the other” who is unavailable, chronically attracting unavailable partners or if you’re in the market to attract a connective, intimate relationship, yet find this pattern following you, this read is for you.
Get ready for it because we’re about to go into the ether and unpack this complex issue.
What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?
For starters, let’s define what the psychological jargon of what “emotionally unavailable” even means. The term “emotionally unavailable” suggests that the “other” (the one whom your in partnership with or desiring) currently and for reasons that we can’t know (because it has to do with “their stuff,” not yours) doesn’t have the emotional capacity to hold the space for a healthy, intimate relationship. The problem occurs when we’re hell bent on getting this unavailable “other’s” attention. When our heart sets it target on a specific partner, that “potentially” has so much to offer, it’s hard to remove our tentacles from the object of our affection, for better or worse.
If you’re relating to what I’m saying, let’s keep going, shall we?
There Are Two types of Unavailable That I Want to Red Flag
1.Being, “externally” unavailable, meaning outside factors don’t allow for that other to be available to fully commit to beautiful you. This is where your partner is “literally” and “figuratively” unavailable. This can mean that “the other” lives states or countries away and is not responsive or loyal to a commitment. That other can also be married or in partnership with another. Either way, I label this as externally unavailable. This type of unavailability is more obvious, although is just as trying to be on the other end of.
2. The second type of unavailable and the one I’m going to highlight in this blog is “emotionally” unavailability. I’ve describe that term briefly above and will get into how that can look and feel throughout this read.
Part 1/ How Unavailability Looks
As you may know, we need awareness of “the problem,” in order to change any behavior. With that said, I’m going to clearly define 3 main characteristics that you may experience when on the other end of a partner whose emotionally unavailable.
#1 Avoidant, Inconsistent & Hot & Cold Behavior
A general lack of consistency, accountability and an overall vibe of non responsive behavior points to an unavailable other. Sometimes you may feel like you’re with Casper the Ghost, as that person’s ability to show up and fill the shoes as your partner is just a, straight up, no go. Meaning, sometimes they show up, sometimes they don’t. You never know what you’re going to get. Isn’t that exciting? (No, not really when it comes to your heart and emotions.)
Even if they do grace you with their presence, they may show an inability to be emotionally present and that’s another frustrating experience in itself for the available partner. Someone can be physically “there,” and mentally checked out, which can leave you feeling very alone.
This lonely feeling can push you toward over compensating for the lack of involvement from the “out to lunch” partner. This is where a pattern is born within the healthy partner of doing more than the unavailable partner in order to keep the relationship alive. This pattern will lead to the available person pulling way more weight, which will enable the emotional “check out” of the unavailable other. (Phew, are you with me? Hope so.)
Whether it be that your partner is a “workaholic,” super “busy,” generally flakey, non committal or all of the above, these actions don’t allow for the time and space that it takes to keep a relationship healthy, kicking and balanced.
Keep your eye out for an inability for actions and words to match (this is a big one). For example, the other might be say all the right things, “I love you,” “You’re the most important thing to me,” “I want a future with you,” yet their actions are saying something completely opposite.
For the record; We don’t trust people whose actions and words don’t consistently align, and we should pay attention to this if we’re looking for healthy and fulfilling relationships.
#2 Inability to Engage and Be Vulnerable
A major block that will appear with the unavailable partner is their inability to participate in deep and connective conversations that touch upon emotional issues. One truth when it comes to healthy connection is that communication is key. Without both partners having the capacity to engage in deep and connective conversations, the relationship will be rocky. The depth of connection between partners is correlated to the strength of the relationships foundation. This “depth of connection” is driven by both partners ability to communicate directly and effectively.
For my visual learners out there, here’s an analogy: Think of a house; If a house is built upon a rocky foundation, even if it’s beautiful, it’s just a matter of time that the cracks will appear. The same is so for our relationships. Things like trust, connectivity and our ability to be vulnerable all create the look, taste and feel of our relationships.
An unavailable partner doesn’t have the bandwidth to put themselves “out there” emotionally for whatever reasons under the sun why that is so. (Please refrain (I know it’s hard) from trying to “figure out” and analyze why this is true for that other. That’s their personal work, which only they can do.)
This inability for your partner to hold the space for deep, connective communication will contribute to a relationship feeling stagnant. An unavailable partner will “shy” away from or completely shut down conversations that call them to “put themselves out there.” There can be defensiveness or a sudden topic change to something less threatening to escape the intimidation of vulnerable communication.
When there’s a shut off valve for intimacy, there will be a cap on how far your relationship can evolve. This can leave the healthy, available partner starving for their needs and wants to be met.
#3 You’ll Be on The Other End of Many “Me Focused” Conversations
When someone is unavailable, they tend to find it more comfortable and more “safe” to lead the conversation. A leader tends to have more control. A conversation has less of a chance to go into depthful realms that would threaten the unavailable’s emotional capacity. As the healthy partner, you might find yourself playing a chronic listening role, which is another gateway to burn out and feeling drained. This, again, points to the relationship imbalance where you, as the available one, holds the space for the unavailable other.
How Unavailability Feels
It’s definitely not ground breaking news that being on the other end of someone unavailable can touch upon some tricky and uncomfortable emotions for the available other. To begin with, it can feel utterly confusing. Confusion is present because the other is often saying one thing via their words, but communicating something different via their actions.
It can be extremely disappointing when you’re on the other end of someone whom you love who doesn’t have the tools to be the partner that you need. As I’ve suggested throughout this post, you might also feel drained and exhausted, as you’re the one pulling the majority of the relationships weight. Meaning that you’re the primary one keeping the relationship movin’ and groovin.’ Perhaps this means that you might find yourself being the main initiator when it comes to tasks like calling, texting and making plans.
You might often question: Would it have happened if I didn’t make it happen?
In a nutshell, you may feel like your needs are neglected as the other cannot match your ability to be open and emotionally available, simply because they’re not.
3 Questions For You to Assess Whether Attracting “Unavailable” is a Pattern for You?
1. Do you find yourself continually going toward people who are unavailable, hurtful, rejecting or inconsistent? Has it happened more than 2 or 3 times?
2. Do you struggle with the need to be “in control?” In other words, is uncertainty and being out of control extremely uncomfortable for you?
3. Do you, generally speaking, tend to give more than you get in relationships? Meaning, do you consistently find yourself going above and beyond for others while taking scraps?
How’d that go?! Let’s go over some information that may help you get beyond this pattern.
One thing that’s important to define is the “WHY” in terms of why we stay in relationships that are not fulfilling our needs or no longer making us grow and expand. Here are some reasons to why we may find ourselves remaining in relationships with unavailable suitors.
Part 2/ Reasons Why We Stay
1. We Focus on the Few and Far Between Moments When That Person Showed Up /SLASH/ We Idealize When the Relationship Is and Was Good
Of course we’re going to focus on what we want to see. We do this as humans. It’s not a bad thing to believe in another if there’s a genuine awareness of the issue from the unavailable partner. If there’s awareness paired with efforts toward shifting emotionally unavailable ways, I’m all for working with someone whose trying. It’s when the other remains unwilling to shift when this persistence to “stick with it” is damaging and keeps us, as the available partner, in a relationship longer than need be.
Side Note: There will be a time period where it’s important for you to evaluate the toll that it’s taking on you to stay in partnership with someone unavailable. For example; If that other is not changing their ways and behaviors and you find yourself hangin on by strings, pay attention to how that state is affecting your mental health. Nobody and nothing is worth the destruction of your own mental health. Healthy things and people will not destroy our mental health. I say that with a lot of love and kindness for the other, however, my eye is on you for this post. I want to reawaken your heart and get your blood pumping again so you can get back on track with what you’re here to do. Onward.
2. We Don’t Want to Let Go Because We’ve (Already) Put in So Much Work and Time
I hear you and I think you need to feel your feelings about this. I also believe that it would benefit you to find an alternative perspective besides believing that you “should” continue to stay because you’ve already put in “X” amount of months or years of effort.
Here’s an alternative perspective: How things pan out is FOR YOU. (Including relationships ending)
Trusting life when things are not working out as desired is a brave and, can be, a difficult skill to cultivate. Working toward believing in that notion when you feel defeated can greatly help you. (Just saying.)
All relationships offer us a galaxy of growth. Intimate relationships turn all of our “stuff” around in a way that other things just don’t. They present breeding grounds of triggers into the areas of rejection and wounded parts of self among other things. For this reason, each person that we’re in relationship with acts as a teacher and for that, it’s hard to say that any of the experience was a waste of time. It’s important to know when you’ve outgrown a relationship and when it’s time to go.
Part 3/ Healing Actions
If you’ve concluded that attracting unavailable partners is a pattern for you, there could be some nips and tucks to be implemented on your end of things in order to increase your chances of attracting healthy and available partners in the future. Here are some tips to consider.
1. Invest in Relationships That Are Reciprocal
Reciprocal means that there’s a feeling of balance to the relationship. This is not a tit for tat dynamic; It’s more a feeling that the other puts the amount of effort and care that you’re putting into the partnership.
2. Let Go of the Habit of Doing More Than Your Part in Order to Keep a Relationship Alive
This will call you to look at and work through why you have the tendency to pull way more weight in your relationships than the other partner carries. Usually, you might find that this is true because on a subconscious level, you have an inner knowing that if you don’t put out 80% of the effort, things will fall apart. (We either consciously or subconsciously know that the other partner doesn’t have the want or capacity to step up.) We don’t trust that our partner can pull through based on what history has communicated to us. Control is involved here. We often are controlling things so the relationship stays afloat, for better or for worse. It’s the “I’m going to make it work no matter what” mentality.
Friends, let’s not force. Especially matters of the heart; flow is way more healthy than force.
When we step back from our role of “making it work,” the Truth then has space to unfold. Meaning, either our partner will show us that they can step up and are willing too, or we will witness more dead space. This is a very difficult thing to face; The Truth. So many of us do many destructive things to avoid the Truth. Although, if you’re being called to read this, chances are you’re open to leading more boldly with Truth. Congrats on that!
What I can say to you is, as you lead with the truth life will begin to unfold differently. Nobody said that following truth is an easy journey, yet blinding yourself to the truth is not easy either. Both ways have there own unique challenges, however the way of Truth will lead you to something, well, TRUE. That’s what the Truth does. It’s raw and always interesting and rich.
Hang in there, dig deep and know that you have what it takes to face the Truth. (There’s so much more to say about this, although I’ll leave it for another post.)
3. Think of Yourself Just as Much (If Not More) Than You Think of Others
I’m specifically giving this perspective to those of you who tend to turn toward selflessness. The available partner attracting the unavailable tends to have a track record of doing a lot for others, usually in a very unbalanced way. Without getting into the nitty gritty of how this habit is born (that’s a whole different post) it’s important to start healing and correcting this relationship dynamic imbalance where you’re putting yourself out there to be eaten alive.
The corrective goal is to redirect you from your tendency to put a laser sharp focus on the needs of others. It’s one thing to be observant and kind toward others. It’s a whole other story to set yourself up to get walked over. As you learn to focus on your needs and take up space, you’ll have less tolerance for those that have an inability to emotionally show up.
My hope was for this post to be informative, helpful and hold the space for you to understand why you have been or are currently in a pattern of attracting relationships that don’t give you what you need and desire.
You have a lot to offer babe, so don’t settle. Understanding and correcting what you can will change your point of attraction. When we change our point of attraction by correcting and healing old defeating patterns we begin to get what we need. Hang in there and trust that this is so.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Above image is by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Why Someone Says They're Not Ready To Date, According To Experts
I’ve linked a BUSTLE article about dating, love and intimate relationships where I was a guest contributor. Dating, finding love, coping with rejection and putting yourself “out there” can be challenging. My hope is for this article to provide you with some clarity around how someone’s rejection is NOT personal to you. It’s just not. Believing that it is can be so damaging. Please don’t do that to your beautiful self.
Enjoy the article below to read about some insights as to why rejection is not personal and says nothing negative about you.
LINK TO ARTICLE
*Above image by, photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
7 Signs That Your Love Connection is Healthy and Strong
An intimate relationship is a continuous work in progress. An important aspect of any romantic connection is that two people are choosing to grow in a positive direction with both themself and together. This post presents a framework for you to evaluate if your love connection is healthy, respectful and worth continuing to invest your sweet time into.
If you have one or two of these “signs” within your intimate relationship, great. If you have all of them, amazing. There’s no judgement and no such thing as a perfect anything, much less a perfect unity between two. If you’re not in a relationship, no worries, use this information to cultivate a vision for your future partnership.
7 Signs of A Legit Love Connection
1. Their Actions and Words Consistently Match Up
Your partner makes it clear via their words and actions that they're invested in you and see a future with you. You’re not confused about your partner's intentions because they make them crystal clear. Give or take being human; They call when they say they will and they show up when they say they will.
When someone is incongruent in their actions and words, we tend to feel doubtful about how they can show up for us. This leaves us in a state of not knowing, which is an easy breeding ground for our false assumptions, doubts and insecurities to live. Consistency is huge in relationships. It breeds trust and security. The bottom line is that we trust people who are consistent because it allows us to feel safe.
2. You Feel Good About Who You Are Around Them
It’s nothing that you can pin point, or maybe it is, but you just feel really good about yourself when you’re in your partner’s presence. They think you’re great, they support your ventures, they’re a huge fan of you, all imperfections included because we all have those, and that feels dam good.
3. They're Not Afraid to Have Real Conversations
Your partner is able to hold an inviting space for deep and vulnerable conversations. What does this mean? This means that you feel heard. It means that they can acknowledge your feelings without judgement and with appreciation of your self expression. There’s no avoidance of topics. There might be uncomfortable topics, although there’s no avoidance. If there is, they own it and do their best to work through it. Conversations are initiated around subject matter that allows further intimate connection, amongst fun conversations too. Balance is key. Topics can range from finances, insecurities, future life vision, your future together, etc. You feel better after releasing your feelings to your partner because they’re able to hold the space for you to release your emotions and that feels good.
4. You’re in Their Future Plans (Near and Far)
They make it known via their word and actions that you’re apart of their future plans. You guys make plans as a couple without question and you also have the freedom and space to still do you with their support.
5. They Respect The Relationships That Are Important to You
Your partner doesn’t necessarily need to be besties or even connect that much to some of the people you choose to have in your life, although they have to respect the significance that specific connections hold for you. Talking negatively about people that your partner knows you care about is a disrespectful act. There’s a difference between sharing your true feelings about a relationship with grace or concern vs. talking disrespectfully and putting down your judgement and desire for a specific relationship.
Ideally, it’s a great situation when you really gel and value the people that your partner brings into your life. This is not always the case, nor does it need to be, but it creates ease and flow when this is so.
6. You Trust Them & Feel Safe
This might be one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Trust and safety are foundational pieces that are the building blocks of any healthy connection. This is why when trust is compromised, it’s really difficult to recover. Trust is defined as the “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Feeling that your partner is reliable, accountable and will always do their best to show up for you is a must in a solid and loving connection.
You either trust someone fully or you don’t. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t. Meaning, you feel safe to express emotions, show all sides of you, appealing and not so appealing. We’re able to be vulnerable without feeling like our partner is going to see something that they don’t like and go away. Trusting someone allows us to unveil ourselves fully. This sets the stage for a true love connection.
7. It’s Clear That You’re a Priority
The majority of the things that your partner does generates an inner knowing that you’re held in a very high regard. This inner knowing brings a sense of peace and calmness about the relationship because you know where you stand. You feel genuinely loved and valued by your partner. You feel respected, considered and acknowledged. You are and you feel that you are a top priority in your partners life.
Relationships are so complex. Each couple has their own way. If it works and is healthy, more power to you. With all the above said, I understand that everyone is operating based on where they're at both mentally and emotionally. If your partner is working on themself and doing their best, that’s awesome and should be acknowledged. We’re not all graced with the gift of gab or the ability to talk it out super affectively. That’s okay. As long as your partner is working on their side of the street to keep things moving in a healthy direction, that’s effort to be appreciated.
*Above Image is by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer7
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer
5 Root Issues That Keep Us From Falling in Love
Oh love.
So complex. Or can it be so simple?
If you’re still on your search toward finding a loving intimate partner I want you to have peace in your heart in knowing that you deserve what you want.
Just for the reminder: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU just because you haven’t found love, yet.
The desire to have love wasn’t given to you unless it was meant to come into form. My intention for this post is to provide you with some reasons that can shed some light on the current state of your love life. Sometimes we have blocks and defenses up that are so ingrained, which hold us back, preventing us from finding and creating what we desire.
For those of you partnered up, this information still applies, as we are all works in progress and it never hurts to be self aware.
Love is something that we all seem to be seeking, whether we consciously admit it or not. Although, why is it that some of us struggle more than others when it comes to attracting and creating an intimate partnership? There’s no single “answer” to why. We each are so unique and different, although I do want to speak to some general reasons how we can be blocking love without even knowing it.
Very often our blocks to love can be unconscious. My motivation for this post is to bring awareness to such blocks so you can combat them and be on your merry way to a fulfilling relationship.
Our relationship toward the topic of love has a ton to do with our capacity toward true connection, which is directly aligned with how fulfilled we are in life. How we show love, how comfortable we are receiving love and how open we are to love all affects our life. Our relationships, both how strong and truthful they are, act as major factors toward our overall level of happiness. It’s what brings us joy like no external object can.
Therefore, today (Happy Valentine’s day) I’m going to address some blocks to love that we can be carrying around with us whether we’re conscious of it or not. Love can be fluid and flow with ease when we’re operating with an open heart. Although, life has a tendency to present us with emotional hurts that can clog our heart space. If we don’t tend to our wounds, we can become scared and fearful, blocking us to fully experience love.
With that said, here are some common Blocks to Love
Our Childhood Sh*t
As cliche as it is for a therapist to ask you to look back at your childhood, I’m gonna do it. After all, our primary caregivers, whoever they were, our biological parents, a single parent, a relative, etc, was our main teacher when it came to the topic of love. They taught us by example how to express love, feel love, hold the space for love; Everything about love. When I have clients that are blocked in the area of love and relationships, it’s always important to explore the dynamics and messages that were digested when they were young. After all, it’s common for us to drag unhealthy habits from our youth into our adult relationships, especially our intimate ones. It’s just what we do. This is where the problems arise within our romantic connections.
Another question to think about is: Which parent did you desire more love and attention from, your mom or dad?
If we haven’t healed our past wounds, it’s common for us to continue to “try” and get what we never received as kids from our current partner or who we seek to date. It could be beneficial for you to look for any patterns in your romantic relationships and see if they mirror a familiar dynamic that you had with a parent from childhood. For example, if a parent never gave you the attention, time and energy you desired, perhaps you find yourself drawn to unavailable partners who mimic those old and hurtful actions of the past.
We’re Not Fully Healed
There’s a huge difference between healing a past emotional hurt VS. pushing it aside. It’s not very comfortable to sit with an emotional hurt and be patient for it to heal. Just as it wouldn’t be easy to get around with a broken leg. The difference is that a physical aliment gets our attention and makes us stop while an emotional hurt doesn’t. It may get our attention, but it doesn’t force us to stop as a physical injury does. This is the tricky part of emotional wounds, you can’t see them and they can be easily covered up and swept under the rug. After a major emotional hit we can look fine, keep on going through our days, find a partner, even if our heart is still broken. As you might know, whatever is not fully healed will be expressed in some way, shape or form, simply because it’s still there.
We’ve Been Burned Before
Carrying a past hurt around will chip away at our life force. It has the potential to keep us so fearful of rejection and hurt that we stay closed while eliminating our chances for healthy future connections. Until we clear the pain and heal, it will feel really scary to open up again. How can you know if you’re still harboring past hurt? You will most likely have an emotional reaction to topics that trigger memories or past wounds. You will feel the past emotions in your body manifesting as a pit in your stomach, a discomfort in your chest, etc. These physical reactions are clues that there’s still emotional healing to tend too.
Being Vulnerable is Too Uncomfortable
Vulnerability can be so intimidating. It’s also a must if you want to cultivate and create a strong, raw and real love connection. Nothing truly satisfying can be established with a surface level connection, therefore, if you want depth, learning to let down your guard and BE open is a must.
We Like To Be In Control
In order to let someone in and allow a relationship to be deep and spiritual, you have to let go of control. You have to let go enough to allow yourself to “fall” in love, hence you need to let go to fall. When the connection is healthy, find peace in knowing that your loving partner will catch you and can hold the space for your heart. If they can’t or won’t, then that’s not the one for you babe.
On an end note, I wanted to address that this topic is so rich and can be so complex for some of us. Especially if there was deep hurts and wounds from the past. If you noticed emotions coming up for you that can be a sign that there’s lurking inner “stuff” taking up space in your heart.
In order to not leave you hanging, I’m inspired to write another post on how to clear out the blocks and create space for love. Coming up next.
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
A Therapist’s Thoughts on Love, Friendship & Career
I love hearing about the lessons and ways of thinking that people arrive at based on their experiences in life. I’m always drawn toward articles, books and interviews where people discuss and are asked about “advice to their younger self.” We all hold so much knowledge based on the experiences and life passages that we have already gone through. Today I’m going to touch upon some feedback that I have, at this point of my life, around the topics of love, friendship & career. These topics are super vast, so I’ve done my best to keep this short and concise, yet raw and truthful.
Here it goes:
What advice would you give to your younger self about LOVE?
If you're unavailable, you will attract unavailable. Period, the end. Man, I know this one.
Be the partner you want to attract. If you want someone athletic, make sure you get out there and get your sweat on. If you want a go getter, make sure you're going after what you want in your own life. If you want someone who loves to adventure, yup, you guessed it, make sure you're down to explore and are open minded to new things. Bottom line, make sure you possess and are actively partaking or working toward what you’re saying you want in a relationship. Like attracts like. Become what you want and it will show up.
Surround yourself with a partner that builds you up, respects you and one whom you feel really good about yourself around. How you feel about yourself when you’re in the presence of another is a huge piece of information. Pay attention.
It’s so cliche, but trust your gut, your inner knowing, the feeling that’s a constant under tone about the relationship that your choosing to be in. Whatever your gut is saying is the truth.
Make sure that, for the most part, your partner’s actions and words match up. If they don’t you have reason to not fully trust them. I know that I trust the relationships in my life that are consistent and reliable. Mean what you say: Say what you mean. Especially within the little things. The little things are a reflection of the bigger things. That’s how trust is built and protected. Be and seek people whose word matches their actions.
Letting go is hard and sometimes the answer. Not all relationships are meant to be forever, even when you want them to be. This is a tough one.
What advice would you give to your younger self about FRIENDSHIPS?
Good friends will tell you the truth in a respectful way. I’ve had some moments in my life that stand out to me where I’ve posed a really difficult question about my life situation to a friend and they’ve looked me dead in the eye and told me the truth, not what I wanted to hear. These can be and are often two very different things. I love the friendships in my life that I know will always say it to me straight. Cheers to honesty with respect and good intentions. Bottom line: Solid friendships are built around authenticity and honesty, even when it might be hard to hear.
Be the friend you want to attract. (Similar to the partner you want to attract.) Learn to possess and BE what you appreciate in another.
Good friends warm your heart and want the best for you. A true friend doesn’t try to “one up” you or compete with you. They just don’t.
If you can’t be yourself in a friendship, what’s the point? Seriously.
Solid friends are solid people. I’m really protective of who I bring into my world because friendships can influence and encourage us to grow or they can block our light. I have a no tolerance policy for low vibe, light blockers. Nor should you. I’m going to go out on a limb by saying that one of the best things I’ve created in my life is my circle of solid, honest, trustworthy and dependable friends. My friends have been and continue to be my largest support system.
What advice would you give to your younger self about CAREER?
Pick a career that matches who you really are vs. who you want to be. Make sure you pick a career that matches your authentic self rather than who you wish you were. Meaning, be careful of getting swept up in an image or coolness factor of a career path. Be true and honest with yourself.
I know your parents love you, but do what you feel called to do, not what they want you to do. Pick a career that calls you. This might be different than the direction that others want you to go into for a multitude of reasons: family business, financial, comfort level, etc. I know that my parents don't really identify with my choice to become a small business owner. They both took a more structured career path. Regardless, I'm glad that I followed what felt true for me. In the long term, the chance of your success is higher if you follow your truth. Your the one who has to live with the reality of your own life.
It might take longer than you want to discover and thrive in your chosen field. Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end if you select a career that’s a true fit for who you are. I remember being in my late 20’s/early 30’s questioning what path I took. Starting my own business was unpredictable. There were days where I doubted where I was going and what I was doing, while other friends of mine were making "good money" and in solid careers. Now, approaching 40, (which I have so much more to say about; coming soon) I’m just starting to see the “fruits of my labor.” I’ve always believed that good, solid things, whether it be relationships, careers or self growth take time. In this fast world, I find myself grounding in the virtue of patience. There are just some things you can’t and should not speed up. I feel this to be true for the area of career.
I would love to open up more of a dialogue around these topics. We’re all teachers based on where we’re at in life and what our journey has taught us thus far. I’m planning on using some of my own personal relationships to further explore these questions and topics. Stay tuned and feel free to share what you've learned.
* The above image was taken by my good friend and photographer, Renata Amazonas.