Liminal Space Explained: Why You Feel Lost (and How to Move Through It)
“Feeling lost” is often what happens when you’re in a liminal space — that in-between zone where you’re no longer who or where you were, but not yet who or where you’re becoming. It’s an empty stretch full of uncertainty and the unknown, which makes it deeply uncomfortable — and, not to mention, easy to want to avoid.
Walking through liminal space can feel like moving through a pitch-dark room. You can’t see what’s ahead, and you’re not quite sure where you are — often leaving you hesitant, and searching for something solid to land on.
Let’s talk about liminal space
In psychology, we call liminal space a threshold state: a pause, a transition, a space that can feel uncertain, uncomfortable and even disorienting.
It tends to show up during big shifts — ending a relationship, changing careers, outgrowing an identity, healing from a former version of yourself. It’s the space between the old story and the new one — it rarely comes with a roadmap and often comes with a feeling of lost.
Liminal space is deeply uncomfortable for many — so much so that people often make choices or take action not because it feels aligned, but simply to escape the discomfort. Anything to get out of the vast unknown and move on, even if it’s not quite right.
Why it matters for mental wellness:
Liminal spaces challenge our sense of control, certainty, and self
They can trigger anxiety or grief — but they also invite the good stuff; self-reflection, redefinition, and transformation
what it can feel like
Liminal space can feel like floating, with nothing solid beneath you to land on. Everything familiar has fallen away, and the new hasn’t arrived yet. This is often when panic sets in. If the present doesn’t look or feel like what you imagined it should — then what direction are you even supposed to go in?
The questions start to spin and overwhelm us: Where do I go? What do I do? What action should I take?
And yet... no clear answers come.
Within this space you might feel restless, anxious, ungrounded — lost.
This is a point where many of us stop choosing intentionally and, instead, choose from a place of scarcity and fear.
But here’s the truth: this space isn’t empty. It’s full of potential. It’s where deep growth takes root — if you allow it.
“what is familiar is not always right.” -Brianna Wiest
The real truth is that feeling lost every now and then is normal. It’s actually a key part of becoming.
Can liminal space last for years?
Yes, it’s possible—and deeply human—to have a long liminal phase. Sometimes these "in-between" spaces aren’t just bridges from one chapter to another. They are the chapter. A long one has the potential to provide many valuable lessons to be learned and experienced if you can see it that way. Lessons can be learned when you use the in-between space to pause, reflect and heal, (if need be) so you can move forward.
Is it “normal” to feel like I’ve been in “in between” for years?
Is it normal? Well, it’s not common. But yes, “normal” for those of us who are seekers.
“Seekers,” as in people who tend to have a heightened sense of:
Emotional intelligence
Creative sensitivity
Spirituality
Authenticity; meaning people who are unwilling to fake their way into “belonging”
It tends to be more common for people with these traits to spend time in liminal spaces-which doesn’t necessarily mean stagnation or that something is “wrong.”
It can be a sign of an inner truth — that you’re not willing to conform just to move forward.
In all reality, it takes real courage to walk the road less traveled, to listen to the inner callings of what feels right instead of checking off life’s boxes at the so-called “right time.”
Those who can tolerate the unknown — who are willing to sit in uncertainty and trust what they can’t yet see — will likely find themselves in liminal spaces more often than most.
how to move through it
The key is to stop forcing clarity and start practicing trust. Let go of the need to fix or fast-forward.
Instead: Feel. Listen. Wait. (your new mantra)
This space asks you to slow down, to stay present, and to let the lessons rise on their own timing. See my post on slow living here if you need some direction on how to embrace slow and more intentional in order to gain clarity.
Practicing an empowering narrative such as: I’m not broken and I might feel lost, but maybe I’m not as lost as I think. Maybe I’m just becoming. Maybe this is just the stuck before the new chapter.
It reminds me of the quote:
“You necessarily have to be lost before you’re found.” - T. Scott McLeod
This suggests the idea that the feeling of being lost is often the necessary precursor to self-discovery, transformation and to the world “on the other side.”
If you’re in that in-between right now, offer yourself grace. You don’t need all the answers today-who really ever has all the answers anyway?-nobody. For now, just stay close to yourself as you move through it — one breath and one moment at a time.
for those feeling lost
maybe you’re not just waiting—you’re pausing.
maybe you’re not just alone—you’re aware.
maybe you’re not aimless—you’re between identities.
Let’s review:
At the end of the day, remember, feeling lost is often a sign that you’re in between spaces — experiencing liminality, a psychological threshold where old structures no longer fit, and the new ones haven’t yet taken form.
Knowing why you’re feeling so aimless, so stuck, so lost can, ultimately, help you move through it with more ease + flow. Carry on my friends. One step at a time
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
Let’s stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at @IAMKIMEGEL
*Above image by visual artist, Amy Lynn Bjornson
Rumination vs. Anxiety (Symptoms, Explanations and Practices to Help)
It could seem as though rumination is just a fancy word for anxiety, yet in the world of mental health, they're closely related, but not the same thing.
This post goes over the differences between rumination and anxiety, so you can better understand what’s happening if you struggle with either of these mental health issues. I also will break down whole body health ways to eliminate these reactions so you can break free from the self imposed prison that these behaviors put us in.
Rumination is when your mind keeps going over the same thoughts on a mental loop that can feel impossible to have control over. The thoughts that we repeat are usually negative ones—like replaying a conversation or worrying about what you should have done.
Anxiety is excessive worry about the future or fear of what might happen. Anxiety can show up very physically via the body with symptoms like a racing heart, tension, or restlessness.
A quick tip to help you decipher between the two is, rumination is more reflective (past-focused), while anxiety is more anticipatory (future-focused). One can build upon another in the sense that people with anxiety tend to ruminate more, and rumination can increase anxious feelings.
2 types of ruminating
Reflective Rumination; evaluating. asking why; trying to figure it out
Brooding; comparison. comparing your situation with an expected, conventional or self imposed standard that you have not achieved.
why do i ruminate?
People start to ruminate for a mix of psychological, emotional, and sometimes biological reasons. In all reality rumination is an unconscious habit, not something people choose. In a nutshell, it’s an ineffective way that we try to manage distress.
#1 False Belief: Some think ruminating will lead to answers or “more control” over a specific situation, even though it rarely does. You think that if you think hard enough and figure out how to “fix it”; you then will find the answer and “solve the problem” leading to resolution.
This is actually where I witness many people grasp for control, manipulate situations to get their way and, ultimately, self destruct.
Here are some common reasons why we ruminate:
Unresolved trauma or conflict: The mind keeps looping, trying to "solve" or make sense of past pain.
Perfectionism: Believing that obsessively reviewing actions or decisions can help to avoid making mistakes.
Low self-esteem: When we don’t feel good about ourselves we carry around a lot of self doubt which can lead us to dwell on perceived inadequacies or failures.
Anxiety or depression: Both of these mental health conditions promote overthinking and worry.
Lack of coping skills: When healthier tools aren’t available, the brain defaults to rumination.
Unmet emotional needs: The mind may revisit painful situations as a way to seek resolution or understanding.
symptoms of rumination:
Persistent overthinking about past events or mistakes
Inability to let go of a specific worry or thought
Replaying conversations or scenarios in your head
Feeling stuck in negative thought cycles
Increased anxiety or sadness as a result of overthinking
Difficulty sleeping due to mental looping
Trouble focusing on the present moment or daily tasks
Seeking reassurance excessively, yet still feeling unsettled
Self-criticism or guilt that feels hard to shake
Physical tension, like headaches or muscle tightness from stress
I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me that have been deeply struggling with anxiety and or rumination all their lives without realizing that this way of being was negative; they just thought it was a normal way to feel and be. They didn’t realize that it was an unhealthy way that they’ve been trying to manage their stress and discomfort. With some education around what healthy vs. unhealthy coping looks like, they were able to acknowledge that the uncontrollable thinking and doom predicting was lowering the quality of their lives and creating a lot of internal suffering.
When we’ve “always” been a certain way we don’t know that anything could or should be different. Our homeostasis is what we consider to be “normal;” for worse or for better.
know thy enemy:
We can’t heal or course correct something that we don’t have awareness around. We can’t heal something that we actively choose to avoid or can’t see the truth of.
Simply said; you can’t fix something that you don’t think is broken. For that reason, here are some common and (sneaky) symptoms that can be due to your anxiety.
Let’s Talk Anxiety
why do i have anxiety?
People develop anxiety for a mix of reasons—biological, psychological, and environmental. Here are some key factors:
Genetics: Anxiety can run in families; some people are more biologically wired to be anxious.
Brain chemistry: Imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA can heighten anxiety.
Childhood experiences: Overly critical environments, trauma, or unpredictability early in life can wire the nervous system for hypervigilance.
Stress overload: Chronic stress (work, relationships, finances) can trigger or worsen anxiety.
Personality traits: Highly sensitive, perfectionistic, or people-pleasing types are more prone to develop anxiety over time.
Learned behavior: Growing up around anxious caregivers can internalize anxious coping patterns.
Lack of safety or control: Situations where people feel powerless or unsupported often spark anxiety.
Medical conditions: Thyroid issues, heart problems, or hormonal shifts can mimic or cause anxiety symptoms.
At its core, anxiety is the body’s alarm system stuck in “high alert” mode.
symptoms of anxiety:
trouble concentrating or making decisions
feeling irritable, tense or restless
experiencing nausea or abdominal distress
having heart palpitations
sweating, trembling or shaking
trouble sleeping
having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
constant worry
“what if” thoughts
lack of concentration
ruminative thoughts
less obvious symptoms of anxiety:
indecision
stagnation in your life
lack of control of your life; life happens to you vs. you making clear choices about your life.
avoidance of situations or people that will trigger your anxiety
Action: the antidote to anxiety
what action does:
it helps you feel in control of what you can be in control of.
it helps you take an active role in your life where you’re engaging in creating your future instead of sitting in stagnation waiting for “it” to happen to you.
it helps you become more present.
whole body health ways toward healing
BODY
massage: helps shift your body out of "fight-or-flight" (sympathetic) mode and into "rest-and-digest" (parasympathetic) mode. This leads to: Lowered heart rate, slower breathing, decreased blood pressure and a sense of calm and safety.
cold exposure: known to reset the nervous system by “shocking” your system into presence, then settling it. Cold exposure can also helps you face and work through discomfort.
exercise: balances brain chemistry, reduces stress hormones, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, interrupts the anxiety thought loop (gets you put of your head), improves sleep, increases your levels of energy and confidence and helps you to emotionally regulate.
breath work: breath work activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest). Slow, deep breathing sends a biological signal to your body: “You are safe.”
*I really like practicing box breathing because it’s so simple. I start by closing my eyes and visualizing making a square in my mind with my breathe then:
Inhale – 4 seconds (Slowly breathe in through your nose, filling your lungs completely.)
Hold – 4 seconds (Pause at the top of your breath. Stay still and relaxed.)
Exhale – 4 seconds (Gently breathe out through your mouth or nose, emptying your lungs fully.)
Hold – 4 seconds (repeat for 2-3 minutes)
MIND
affect labeling: name what you feel by putting your emotions into words. “Name it to tame it.”- Dr. Dan Siegel
ex: "I'm feeling anxious, and that's okay.”
cognitive reframing: helps to challenge and shift negative thoughts.
ex: Ask: “Is this thought helpful or true?”
grounding techniques: helps to anchor your mind in the present, which disrupts anxious thought loops.
practice: 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
thought stopping: interrupts anxiety loops by, literally, stopping the thought.
ex: Say “Stop” (silently or aloud)
mindfulness & meditation: mindfulness trains your brain to observe thoughts without attaching to them.
practice: 5–10 minutes of focused awareness (on breath, sound, or body) can help reduce anxiety.
journaling: write down your worries, thoughts, or a list of what's going right. Mental Health Benefits of Journaling (A Practice To Help You Live More Mindfully)
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
Let’s stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at @IAMKIMEGEL
*Blog image by visual artist & photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
Emotional Regulation (How to Control Your Emotions in A Healthy Way)
Lacking the skills to emotionally regulate in a healthy way can cost us a lot, especially in our adult years. I suppose it’s more socially acceptable & understandable to watch an 7 year old have a meltdown vs a 40 year old, right?
Avoiding strained relationships and regretful adult fits is my aim for bringing up the topic of emotional regulation.
What is emotional regulation?
emotional regulation is the ability to exert healthy control over one’s emotional reactions and general feeling state.
When we can successfully emotionally regulate we’re able to:
restrain from acting impulsively due to behaviors related to strong positive or negative emotions
organize ourself for positive action to meet an external goal
self-soothe strong emotional responses
refocus our attention regardless of the presence of strong emotion
The opposite of emotional regulation is emotional dysregulation. As you might have guessed, this is when we lack the skills to be able to control our emotions in a healthy way. With an inability to regulate our emotions comes reactions that will seem (and usually be) out of proportion compared to what we’re reacting to. In short your reactions will, more often than not, not match the event.
When we’re in a state of emotional dysregulation we often will say or do things we later regret, causing self shame and creating strain in our relationships. An inability to regulate our emotions can result in significant mood swings and shame cycles out of regret or embarrassment around our “big” reactions or presence of extreme and exaggerated emotions.
Lacking the skills to emotionally regulate goes beyond our inability to control our reactions. It can compromise our self confidence and sense of self trust causing us to feel more frustration than need be.
Why Controlling Our Emotions May Be Difficult
With all that said, there’s usually reasons why someone whose a grown adult has arrived into their maturity struggling to emotionally regulate. Sometimes, we weren’t taught how to calm and soothe ourselves by our primary caregivers/parents while growing up. Perhaps we had home environments that didn’t encourage emotional expression, so we didn’t learn how to feel, experience and process our emotions in a positive manner. Maybe our primary caregivers, our main models for teaching us how to react and respond to our emotions, modeled unhealthy coping themselves. * This is not to point the finger of blame; it’s to understand why we might be reacting how we react.
Sometimes during our pivotal developmental years events occur that compromise our ability to learn how to cope with our emotions, stunting our mental/emotional development An example of this might be suffering from a mental health condition, like a serious eating disorder or depression. Serious mental health conditions or unexpected events (like the loss of a significant caregiver figure) has the ability to sidetrack our emotional growth.
3 Reasons Why Emotional Regulation Can Be Difficult
1. We were never taught how to cope with our emotions in a calm and healthy way.
2. Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety inhibit our ability to cope with our emotions and can greatly impact the way we respond to life events and stressors.
3. Our general level of stress & overwhelm is so great that it interferes with our ability to respond to life in healthy ways.
Whatever the case may be, I’m confident that with your awareness and desire for learning new skills you can improve your ability to emotionally regulate. If you’re discovering that you’re having trouble regulating your emotions, I want you to know that you can learn how to do so.
You’re not broken. You’re not damaged.
There’s always the option to learn how to shift and change for the better, which is what this post is offering you.
Having a better grasp on your emotions will help you work through difficult circumstances and handle life situations with more grace and with a more balanced perspective. Having healthy control of your feelings allows you to better conflict resolve and, overall, have the capacity for healthier relationships.
bring on the healing.
3 Tips for Healthy Emotional Coping
Ultimately, the way toward a more healthful way of emotionally responding & reacting is learning the tools to help you cope with your emotions in a more balanced & mindful way.
Here are 3 tips to help you do just that:
1. Get out of your head and into your body
Increasing your awareness around how your emotions “speak” to you through your physical body can strengthen your unique mind/body connection.
Trauma is stored in your body; not your mind.
If you take a moment to pay attention to your body when you’re stressed, you will notice tightening in your muscles and a sense of closed off and rigid energy. If you notice how your body feels when you’re relaxed; you will experience a loosening throughout your body and a sense of lightness and openness.
With the body mind connection always at play, we can use our physicality to help push through and process our emotions. I know for me the rhythm of my breath or footing when I’m running is meditative and many long runs have helped to calm and reduce my stress levels. Not a runner? Not an issue. Any form of intentional physical movement can support the process of your emotions being felt, processed and pushed through.
Positive physical action & movement is a path to great healing. How you take care of your physical self impacts the level of your emotional and mental self; this will always be connected and true.
You can’t be a cohesively healthy person without practicing healthy mind, body & soul health.
2. Practice Mindfulness
In dialectical behavioral therapy, which is based around the concept of mindfulness, there’s the concept of the wise mind and the emotion mind. I really like to use these two terms to help my clients learn how to better emotionally regulate.
wise mind
The wise mind is a state that encompasses your logical, fact based mind. When your acting from your wise mind your able to access a deep logical place within where your intuition and inner knowing live, which are designed to help you to take effective action.
emotion mind
When your acting from your emotion mind your thoughts are being controlled by your emotions, which makes any sort of logical thinking difficult. When we’re in our emotion mind we often distort the events to be bigger and worse than they are.
Having awareness & understanding that there’s a distinction between your “wise” mind & “emotion” can give you context for when you’re really “in your feelings.” With practice and intention your awareness of knowing that your caught in your emotion mind and learning to pause before you react can help you react better when big emotions surface.
It’s best not to make decisions when we’re consumed in our emotions that don’t necessarily see a situation for what it is.
3. Look Toward the Root issue
If our inability to emotionally regulate is due to an external factor, then tending to any outside issue that’s blocking our growth could be an important place to focus. Any mental health symptoms such as depression, anxiety or general overwhelm that is contributing to your inability to react and respond in a healthy manner deserves your attention.
If the root issue is not considered and given the proper attention, getting your emotions under proper control will remain a difficult ongoing task. Beyond mental health issues, I invite you to consider any outside interference or situation that could be adding to your inability to cope with your emotions in a healthy way.
Reflective Questions for further self exploration around possible root issues
Do you have a stressful living or work environment?
Are you experiencing issues within your close interpersonal relationships? your partnership? family? marriage?
Do you feel stress & worry around your finances & way of living?
Do you have any chronic health issues or injuries that are impacting the way you feel and function?
4. Pause -Breathe - Proceed
I love this catchy short mantra to help you focus on being less emotionally reactive:
PAUSE / BREATHE / PROCEED
To some extent, being controlled by our emotions and reacting from a heated emotional place is merely a bad, conditioned habit. To help you break this habit, these three words offer you a mindfulness tool when you’re feeling really “in your feelings.”
step 1 -Pause (remind yourself to not react with your emotion mind leading)
step 2- Breathe (take a moment to deep breathe when triggered to avoid a impulsive reaction)
step 3 - Proceed (after taking the time & space you need to center & calm; proceed)
As I said earlier, the most important thing that I want you to know is that you can learn skills that can help you to emotionally regulate better. Even if you’re reactions have always been over the top, heated and from an emotional place; if you want to change, you could change.
With a desire to respond & react to your life in a healthier and more productive way change is on the horizon. Your willingness to learn the skills to shift the way you react will help you to feel more in control of your emotional reactions so they don’t keep controlling you.
Good luck my friend. I believe in you.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
Self Sabotaging Behaviors (Identify & Eliminate Your Self Sabotaging Ways)
I suppose it could seem pretty obvious what the term “self sabotage” means. However, sometimes self sabotage is sneaky. There could be ways that you’re holding yourself back or “self sabotaging” that you have no conscious awareness around.
For anyone whose unaware of their self sabotaging ways or for those aware, yet stuck in the grip of their own self destruction; this one’s for you.
My goal is to bring any sort of conscious or unconscious form of self sabotage that you may be engaging in to the surface in order for you to clear it out. Without self sabotaging behaviors in the way you can proceed forward in your life with more ease and clear intention. Within this article you will find perspectives and reflective questions to help you overcome any resistance that’s keeping you from taking positive action toward change.
Let’s define it: What’s self sabotage?
Self sabotage is created by any actions or inaction that’s stunting your progress toward the things you want. Self sabotage is how you hinder your own potential and future success.
Why do you self sabotage?
There can be many reasons why you engage in self sabotage; here’s a few:
Low self-esteem
Insecure attachment styles
Fear of failure, disappointment, commitment
Unhealthy belief systems around relationships, life, love, career, self, etc
Unhealthy coping skills in relationships & life matters
2 Reasons Why You’re Stuck in Self Sabotage
1. Lack of Ownership / Self Responsibility
In a nutshell you stay stuck in self sabotage when avoiding taking ownership or responsibility for your inaction or actions becomes your pattern. Lacking the want or ability to see your part in any obstacle, keeps you stuck in behaviors and habits that hinder your ability to move forward.
With a lack of self ownership leading; you tend to see problems as being outside of yourself. With this perspective, it’s common to point the finger to the fault of external circumstances. It’s the fault of the job, the weather or the other person involved. Basically, the fault of anything tends to be everything else but something that you can potentially own and take responsibility for.
change: Taking a hard look at your life, your circumstances and accepting that there’s responsibility to own in how events and, ultimately, life is unfolding to some degree is a major shift to get beyond self sabotage.
Gaining self responsibility will help us to see our problem areas and allow us to begin to work on accepting and changing our ways.
With self compassion and kindness leading; I invite you to reflect on the ways that you might be lacking or avoiding taking ownership of areas in your life that feel stagnant, unfulfilling or a source of unhappiness.
2. Attachment to Negative Perspectives, Stories or Beliefs
When you’re mentally, emotionally or physically attached to something negative, you tend to unwittingly and consistently behave in ways that cause unhealthy decision making and general unhappiness. In a nutshell, what you’re attached to dictates the ways in which you make choices and decisions about your life.
Any beliefs that you have around not being capable enough, good enough or smart enough will hold you back from going toward what you really want.
Negative beliefs about yourself will keep you stuck in your self sabotaging behaviors. Negative stories about others and the world will do the same. Attachment to anything that is draining your life force energy and holding you back from being your best is something to do some reflection on.
change: Reflecting on the beliefs, stories and perspectives that could be holding you back and working to shift and eliminate negative ways of seeing the world can help you greatly.
*Find my post to help you identify and sort out any limiting beliefs HERE.
Examples of Self Sabotaging Behaviors
lack of self responsibility: waiting for others to present you with the opportunities to achieve happiness or success instead of creating them yourself.
rumination: spending your time picking apart your worries & doubts vs focusing on productive thoughts and actions that can help you toward fulfilling your potential.
resistance: having the inner knowing of what you need to do, yet lacking the motivation or ability to take positive action.
perfectionism: needing things to look or be a specific way; usually the result of setting unrealistic expectations of a goal.
justification: allowing your excuses to prevail over your dreams. Giving your excuses and justifications more energy than taking the necessary action toward what you actually want.
disorganization: we’ve all heard it before: messy house; messy mind. The condition of our external space impacts our mental clarity. Too much stuff or a disorganized space doesn’t create the backdrop for a productive and peaceful living environment. There’s much clarity in organization.
A read to inspire you to declutter HERE.
uprooting; making constant life changes that don’t allow for appropriate follow through toward commitments. The pattern with uprooting is constant change that keeps you from actually settling in anywhere or with anything. The constant coming and going is a barrier to long term success.
fear of failure: holding so much fear around things not working out to the point where you shut ideas down before they have a chance to succeed. Fear around failure can stop you from beginning any process of putting yourself “out there” and trying.
As long as we’re trapped in the confines of fear around failing we’ll have dreams that will remain unborn.
How to Heal: Establish a Microshift Mindset
A microshift mindset helps you learn to slowly introduce and implement new habits, while working toward defining and eliminating ones that no longer serve you. Over time, these “microshifts” create long lasting and impactful change that leads to a better quality of life.
Reminder: Big change often happens little by little
Ultimately, doing the deeper work to change any belief systems, irrational fears, face insecurities or negative associations that keep the root of the issue alive will be “the work” that releases you from your own self destructive ways.
Reflection Questions for Growth and Healing
In what ways might you be engaging in self sabotaging behaviors? look beyond the obvious. What behaviors or actions that at first glance might seem benign, but actually are self sabotaging? Take a moment to reflect.
What beliefs, ways of thinking or actions do you engage in that work against you and keep you limited? look for patterns and ways of being that are mindless and conditioned. (the things you “just do” without thinking.
What do you find yourself complaining about or feeling negative emotions around? look toward areas where there’s feelings of unfulfillment or boredom.
Remember that shifting and changing your ways will bring discomfort. Discomfort is present even with positive growth and change. Therefore, be mindful not read too much into the discomfort that you will feel along your self growth journey.
Instead of pushing uncomfortable emotions away; Breathe through them. Allow them to be with you.
You don’t have to like the presence of discomfort, but learning to tolerate the feeling as it accompanies you on your journey from time to time will help any uncomfortable feelings pass through with more ease and less struggle.
Resources for Further Introspection
The Mountain is You / book
The Mountain is You / workbook
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
3 Limiting Beliefs That Are Making You Unwell (How to Ditch Them)
We hear a lot about limiting beliefs; it can easily go in one ear and out the other. However taking the time to reflect on the limiting beliefs that might be holding you back is worth while introspection.
The focus in this post will be on 3 specific limiting beliefs that can affect how we show up, what (ultimately) happens and how we feel in the world.
ready? let’s go.
I don’t know about you, but I can dwell, overthink, engage in my own pity party, be a victim of my circumstances, ruminate about past decisions and have rose colored lenses about the past, which all leads to feelings of enormous regret and feeling awful.
When I’m in these murky internal spaces, it serves me to unpack where my head’s by checking in with my belief system. I, like anyone, has to watch what I do with the pains, struggles, trails and tribulations that life sometimes serves that not only I experience on a personal level, but happen and impact us all on a global level as well.
How about you? Do you relate to getting stuck in the ways I described above? If so, this post is for you.
It can feel impossible to change the way we perceive and experience our reality. Especially when our reality is filled with circumstances or people that are challenging or a negative mindset that we just can’t shake.
This is where I’m going to introduce the concept of mental strength. Mental strength points towards our level of resiliency. Our level of mental strength dictates how healthfully we can get through and overcome hardship.
The truth is that our mental strength is like physical strength; It can become stronger by “working it out” with focused intention and practice. A consistent mindfulness practice around the quality of our beliefs and thoughts can create positive change around unhealthy thinking patterns.
Let’s get into the 3 specific limiting beliefs that can be keeping you stuck.
3 Beliefs That Can Keep You Stuck
1. unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
examples:
“I’m not good enough.”
“Nobody ever picks me.”
“I’ll never be successful.”
“I’m not smart enough, young enough, old enough, good looking enough, healthy enough..…”
“I don’t have enough experience.”
“I’m not capable.”
2. unhealthy beliefs about others
examples:
“You can’t trust anyone.”
“Everyone is out for themselves.”
“Other people always let you down.”
“People are so manipulative and fake.”
3. unhealthy beliefs about the world
examples:
“The world is nothing but a dangerous & dark place.”
“It’s impossible to be successful in this world today.”
Can you see, if those were your core beliefs, how there’s no way that you could show up light hearted, fulfilled and happy? Those beliefs hold too much heavy, black & white, conclusive, bleak and hopeless energy to allow one to feel and experience joy.
The truth is that:
there are times were you will come across people who are not to be trusted. There will be experiences that show the unfairness that the world is capable of. There will be people that disappoint and hurt you.
That’s life. I don’t say that lightly; I say that, with heart & empathy, to reflect the reality that is our world at times.
It’s a hard truth, but it is truth.
There’s contrast in life. There’s so much beauty and there can be so much pain. Two truths that are opposites of one another existing.
What you have choice about is the perspective that you choose to take as life events play out and unfold. Your beliefs about the world will define your perspectives, your thoughts, your mood, your actions and, ultimately, how your life pans out.
As we might have heard already; our beliefs create our thoughts, which affect our actions, that ultimately create what our reality looks and feels like.
Spending time to identify if any negative beliefs are holding you back and working toward seeing yourself, others and the world with a neutral lens will help you to have a more balanced and healthy perspective about your present reality.
As you do discover negative beliefs that you hold, countering those negative beliefs with experiences that you have had (or can think up) that show a different story (a more positive reality) could be extremely helpful to help you reset.
Getting clear on what your beliefs are around yourself, others and about the world can help you identify if there’s anything to clean up and clear out of your mental space that’s holding you back from feeling generally lighter and more fulfilled.
*Spending time journaling and reflecting upon your limiting beliefs can be valuable for you. A helpful exercise is countering unhealthy beliefs with healthy ones.
*For this exercise: Take a sheet of paper, split it in half, on one side of the paper write your negative belief and on the opposing side counter that negative belief with a more factual, neutral and healthy way of thinking.
General Ways of Thinking that Keep us Stuck
Why is this happening to me? This thought encourages dwelling, rumination & self pity.
Why can’t I (fill in the blank) …….? This thought feeds comparison, not feeling good enough, decreases confidence and motivation to change and take positive action.
What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with the situation or circumstance? This thought focuses on the perceived problem and can lead to distorted thinking, while focusing your energy onto something unproductive.
Ways Toward Healthier Thinking Patterns & Beliefs (3 tips)
1. Practice Mindfulness
Tap into your your “wise mind” (your inner knowing, your logic based mind that see’s things and experiences with more clarity vs. your “emotion mind.” Your emotion mind responds and reacts based on feelings. Feelings aren’t necessarily truth; they’re just feelings. They are valid, but not always factual. Anytime we don’t allow ourselves to see a situation for what it truly is; is something to watch.
To untangle which is which and become more mindful ASK:
“Which mind is talking here, my wise mind or emotion mind?”
*wise mind & emotion mind are DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) Concepts. Look HERE if you’re curious to learn more about DBT.
2. Have Hope
It’s so important and healthy to hold out hope that life could get better. Without hope, what do we have? I have two points to clarify here:
what hope is not; fairy tale thinking, avoidance of reality.
what hope is; allowing the future to be neutral without our judgements, fears & distorted beliefs getting all over what has not been written.
3. Aim for a Physically & Mentally Well Lifestyle
A consistent focus and practice of good habits /body, mind, heart, soul / and ways of thinking in order to be/stay physically & mentally strong will help you greatly to achieve more balance and general wellness.
3 Closing Journal Prompts:
1. What bad mental habits are holding you back?
2. What unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from being mentally strong?
3. What is one small step to take toward positive change?
*Image taken in La Paz, Mexico by Photographer, Renata Amazonas.
Avoidant Attachment Style (What It Looks Like & How to Become Securely Attached)
Our attachment style is at play within all of our relationships; however it really comes into play when any significant relationship is threatened. When we’re securely attached we tend to have more emotional capacity to share our feelings openly and resolve conflict in a healthy way.
When we have an anxious attachment style our tendency is to become needy or clingy in our relationships. With avoidant attachment style it’s common to behave in emotionally shut off or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply turn away from intimacy altogether. This is due to our discomfort with closeness and feeling emotionally exposed.
*For the purpose of this post; I’ll be shining the light solely on avoidant attachment. (If you’re not sure where your attachment style falls; you may want to skip to the bottom of this post and take the short quiz that will help you identify your specific attachment style before proceeding.)
2 Types of Avoidant Attachment Styles:
1. Fearful or Anxious Avoidant: (also known as disorganized attachment style) A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style usually desires closeness and intimacy from their partner, yet simultaneously fears that their partner will abandon them. This can create a “push pull” or “on again / off again” dynamic within the relationship creating an unhealthy energy. In another instance, avoidants have a tendency to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and begin to distance themselves in order to feel relief.
Key traits of the Fearful or Anxious Avoidant (disorganized attachment)
insensitivity towards their partner’s needs, selfishness, controlling and untrusting behaviors can be common. These traits can lead to negativity within the relationship. They have a tendency to be hard on themselves and, are often, equally hard on others.
they have a higher chance of developing substance abuse issues or engaging in aggressive or violent behaviors.
it can be difficult for them to take ownership of their own actions and behaviors; this can cause a lot of strain within their relationships.
deep down they crave the security, love and safety of a depthful, intimate relationship, yet their conflicted with feeling terrified of getting hurt.
their childhood is commonly shaped by abuse (either physical, emotional or verbal) neglect, or trauma.
What their primary caregiver relationships looked like:
It’s highly likely that their primary caregiver(s) were dealing with unresolved trauma themselves. Their parental figure(s) may have ignored, dismissed or overlooked their needs as they were growing up. Generally speaking, inconsistent and chaotic behaviors cause fear and trauma within a child.
The avoidant attachment style is born when your caregiver was the source of your safety and also the source of your fear as you where growing up. Experiencing this extreme contrast can compromise your ability to trust in a healthy way. Hence, an avoidant attachment is born.
2. Avoidant / Dismissive: Instead of craving intimacy; An individual with the dismissive attachment type avoids emotional connection with others all together. This is due to a heavy discomfort around closeness and vulnerability, hence they avoid reaching levels of connection that would challenge them to open up emotionally. With this specific attachment style, there’s discomfort with relying on others, or having others rely on them.
Key traits of the Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment Style
they tend to withdraw further the closer a partner attempts to get.
they can come off as distant and closed off due to a discomfort with their own emotionality. Defensiveness is common if their partner shows concern over the emotional distance within their partnership.
they have a tendency to feel smothered within their relationships, often feeling like their partner is “too needy” with any voiced concern over the emotional distance. They are prone to minimize their partner’s feelings, keep secrets, engage in affairs, and end relationships in order to regain a sense of freedom.
casual relationships tend to be more comfortable than long-term or more intimate ones; they tend to seek partners who are equally independent, long distance or any partner who, generally, also keeps their emotional distance.
they tend to deny the truth that they (we all) need intimacy in order to be healthy individuals. (We need connection; no person is immune to that fact.) They have a strong false validating story of how they can “do it on their own.”
What their primary caregiver relationships looked like:
Growing up with parents who were unavailable or rejecting and where needs were not met regularly can create the foundation for an avoidant dismissive attachment style. In order to self protect and cope when growing up, emotional distancing and self-soothing mechanisms were developed. This creates a discomfort with intimacy and a heightened want for independence as adults—even when that independence and lack of intimacy causes its own problems.
Q: Why am I avoidant?
Avoidant attachment is a pattern of relating to others that is generally said to stem from early life experiences with our primary caregivers. It typically develops when a child's emotional needs are consistently neglected or met with rejection. As a result, the child learns to cope by suppressing their emotions and avoiding close relationships. In adulthood, this attachment style can make it challenging to trust and rely on others, often leading to isolation and emotional distance.
(*This is certainly not about blaming our parents; it’s based on what attachment theorists have concluded. With that said, all of our relationships act as teachers for us. Our healthy and secure relationships can help us heal and become more securely attached.)
With avoidant attachment style, deactivating strategies are used for the individual to stay avoidant. (These strategies are developed to cope and self protect and, if not course corrected, are on auto pilot mode by adulthood.) These strategies are ways for the avoidant to continue to deny attachment needs, keeping them chronically self-reliant. (*This is not intentional; these ways of coping usually beyond the avoidants level of awareness)
Examples of Deactivating Strategies (defining them & healing)
Pushing people away because of small imperfections.
How to heal; change of focus: If they’ve always showed up in a healthy and positive way; focus on the facts vs your fear of small imperfections. You have a lot to lose with pushing a good person away for no legit reason.
Overly focusing on independence.
How to heal; change of focus: focus on mutual support, learn to allow support and the even exchange of energy that comes from reciprocal relationships.
Connecting with anxiously attached partners, which exacerbates their desire to push away.
How to heal; change of focus: seek securely attached partnerships.
Has a tendency to misinterpret their partners behaviors.
Avoidant attached individuals have a habit of assuming negative intentions & behaviors of their partners actions, creating a negative energy within the relationship.
How to heal; change of focus: learn to recognize this tendency of thinking in “worst case scenario” of your partner.s actions. If your partner has a good track record of maintaining your trust and respect; practice trusting that they have your best interest at heart.
Has a tendency to focus on the problem or what is perceived to be “not working.”
How to heal; change of focus: learn to pivot your focus to what is working for you in the partnership.
Ask: What are they doing that does work for me? In which ways do they show up for me that I’m really grateful for and appreciate.
Rumination on past partnerships and view past partnerships with rose colored lenses.
How to heal; change the focus: become aware of the fantasy of your ex playing out in your mind and acknowledge the falsehood of it. Remind yourself that any past connection ended and ended for a reason. It’s not for you or it would be. (It’s easy to make a rose colored story of how you believe something would have worked out in retrospect.) Course correct by looking for new, healthy and secure potential mates. Learn to become more present in your current life circumstances.
Tendency to focus on “the one” that’s out there somewhere.
There’s no doubt that there are good potential people out there for you to connect with. This point is more about the avoidant individual using this statement as a strategy to stay disconnected and avoidant.; Staying in the “waiting” for a potential mate to show up vs. actively seeking healthy connections.
How to heal; change of focus: be open, be a person whom others can connect to by ditching all the armor that you’ve built around your heart that rejects closeness (usually subconsciously) by using your deactivation strategies. Be more intentional about seeking and allowing kind & trusting people in.
Can be very “hot” & “cold” due to their disorganized attachment style.
This “on again; off again” behavior creates internal confusion and fear, which brings chaos to a relationship dynamic. This is not intentional. It’s due to the early life conditioning of “sometimes my caregiver feels safe; sometimes they don’t” dynamic that gets projected onto the current partnership. In a nutshell; it’s the past being projected onto the present.
How to heal; change of focus: learn to “pause before you proceed.” Meaning, learn to refrain from reacting impulsively and unconsciously from a place of avoidant attachment. The key is becoming more intentional about connecting to the parts of self that are securely attached or that are learning to be; Practice responding from a more secure place within.
Healing avoidant attachment style: More tips for positive change
The first necessary ingredient is your awareness; what follows is your desire, want and motivation for change. (Not your partner’s want, not your mom’s want, not your friends want; YOUR want for change.) You have to get sick and tired of being sick in tired of getting the same old results in your relationship life in order to turn things around for good.
“change has to come from within; from your own free will.”
Healing breakdown:
identify your specific deactivating strategies.
increase your level of self awareness via therapy, self study, consistent wellness practices, etc.
Identify when you’re using your deactivating strategies & course correct by reacting from a more securely attached place within.
seek securely attached partners / someone with anxious attachment will exacerbate an avoidant / a securely attached partners ways will help course correct avoidant tendencies and help one toward secure attachment.
notice inner resistance and avoid acting impulsively by working toward change: change lies within increasing vulnerability & an ability to trust.
learning to find trust within the individuals coming into your life whom are leading with kindness, respect and whose words and actions align consistently. Trust that these people with steady and honest track records, have your best interest at heart.
acting from the secure version of self; doing something that you’ve never done to get the results you’ve never had.
Bottom Line
Gaining more awareness around your attachment style and working toward living from a securely attached place could change everything for your life. Attachment is all about how we relate to others. In turn, how we relate to others dictates the reality and quality of our lives. See below for a recommended read to further help you understand and deep dive into the world of attachment styles.
Cheers friends. Thanks for being here.
An Invitation For You
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*Image above by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Healthy Detachment: What it Looks and Feels Like
Practicing healthy detachment in our lives allows us to be free, present and enjoy the journey, even if our lives don’t look how we want ….yet.
When we’re living our lives attached to outcomes; it’s common to be in a place of restlessness or feel stuck. Being “attached to outcomes” by having strict expectations around timelines and details of life needing to be how you want them to be, will leave you in a state of chronic dissatisfaction.
In this state, you will be forever waiting for your life to begin. Beyond making you unhappy, this negative feeling state will limit your possibilities. When you’re stuck in the assumption of how you think things should and ought to happen for you; it’s common to pass on any good opportunity that is right in front of you.
When you’re attached, it’s common not to be able to see other opportunities showing up in different packaging. The reality is that many of these unseen opportunities are what could gift you with new relationships or positive life shifts if you could let go, detach and allow what is happening to prevail.
We often tell ourselves that when we get the right relationship, career, home, friend group, meet our goal weight, or come to a certain age; then life will feel and be better.
Truth: This could not be more false.
Circumstances and environments can change. It’s true that outward changes can impact the way you think and feel. However; deep rooted, unhealthy mindsets and perspectives need to be shifted from the inside out in order to experience true healthy change. No outward person, place or thing has the power to shift your negative core beliefs about your life and the world. Only you have the power and control to do that.
No beautiful face, amazing trip or home in the Hamptons can “fix” the way you feel about your life.
This is actually great news if you can see it so. The power to change is in your hands. It can be empowering to know that outward circumstances can’t make or break you unless you allow them to do so. (*side note: This is not to devalue the pain and heartache that comes from difficult circumstances.)
My main point here is to help you see that nothing outside of you can “make" you a happy person; It’s up to you to “be” a happy person. This truth can lead you to a place of personal empowerment if you can shift your perspective enough to see it that way.
What is healthy detachment?
Healthy detachment is knowing what you want, yet being able to let go of the desired outcome, timeline or how the object of your desire is going to show up in your life, while maintaining happiness in the present moment.
What is healthy detachment in relationships?
Healthy detachment in relationships is allowing other people to be responsible for their own choices and actions without trying to fix or save them from their own circumstances. It’s allowing the space for each party to practice self responsibility.
The importance of detaching to unhealthy thoughts
Our mental health will be compromised if we have a habit of attaching to our negative thoughts. An unhealthy habit is to attach to negative thoughts and ruminate about them. Consistently doing that is what breeds depression, anxiety and a slew of other mental health issues. Learning how to allow and feel your emotions without attaching to them in an unhealthy way is a skill and practice that will positively affect your mental health.
As the saying goes; thoughts become things, so allow all your thoughts, while practicing discernment and detachment. Allowing your thoughts to be acknowledged, felt and processed dictates the healthy flow of our emotional world.
In general we detach when we resist less and allow more. Resistance is rigid. Resistance aligns with feeling stuck. It keeps us consumed in our worry and anxiety. It keeps us stuck in our heads. Allowing opens and expands us. It softens us. It helps us see the possibilities beyond the rigid structure of our minds.
What “being attached” means:
Being “attached” means that there’s some sense of your self worth that you’re attaching to a person, place or thing.
By the time you’re attached, you’ve connected your sense of self to something or someone outside of you, which leaves you very vulnerable to outside influence and can compromise your sense of self. When your sense of self is attached to outward things and people, you will be on a emotional rollercoaster ride with your level of self worth. This, of course, is very dangerous. The goal is to have healthy connections with people and things outside of you while remaining steady with your self concept. This balance will help you remain a healthy minded person as life circumstances change and things come and go. (which they will.)
When we’re attached, we’re more likely to stay in destructive and unhealthy relationships. When we’re attached, we stay in jobs or within career paths that suck us dry because we don’t have the confidence that we can and will find something better.
When we’re attached to a person, place or thing the thought space is: “If I lose this, I will not be okay, whole, able to function or move on; so I will stay.”
Obviously, this mindset is fear based and causes great suffering. Holding on to this way of thinking causes us to be rigid in our ways and fixed on an outcome that we have deemed is necessary to be “okay.”
Emotions that appear when you’re Attached:
anxiety
fear
anger
jealousy
hopelessness
sadness
disconnection
Emotions that appear when you’re Detached:
peace of mind
calm
patience
presence
happiness
feelings of freedom
Now, let’s chat about Detachment……
3 Tips to Help You Practice Detachment
Be aware of unhealthy narratives and false beliefs that keep you attached. Be aware of your stories (your inner narratives / your false beliefs) that keep you attached. “If they leave I will be nothing.” “If I lose my job; I will lose it all.” Rather than focusing on fears and anxiety, focus on facts. Look at facts (reality) and use your introspection to help you separate what is reality vs. what is fear.
Practice living in the here and now; find flow. When we live in flow we are less attached to how we think things need to happen in order to be healthy happy humans. We embrace the day with a sense of excitement and curiosity of what could be rather than what we feel needs to happen. This helps us to feel really engaged and present with life, which helps us trust life more. When our ability to trust increases, we naturally will feel less inclined to control things.
Do the work. Go to therapy, do your own self study, practice introspection, develop a yoga practice, engage in sound healing, meditate, do breath work, jump in an ice bath; basically involve yourself in anything that helps you to become more present and aware. The more you learn how to calm your mind, your nervous system and your physical body, the more apt you will be to allow, accept and work with what life is serving up.
Q: How do I release attachment to the path that I think I need to take in order to get what I want?
A: surrender the mind made way that you think something can and ought to happen for you. This can be so hard because, as humans, we tend to base what could happen on what actually has happened. Needless to say that this can be limiting.
It’s hard for us to get out of our own box about what we think is possible. A skill to help you detach from the past is to learn how to think more expansively about how something could come into your life; Learning to let go of your planned out, strategic and limited way of thinking is a mindset shift that can help you greatly. It’s a release of control around the “how” you believe that something should come into your life. This surrender is what’s necessary to let go of your control and tight energy, which, is often rooted in fear.
Focusing too much on timelines, engaging in overthinking and self doubt all derail you from being in the healthy, neutral space of sitting with your desires. Having consistent practices to engage in that help you to stay centered are essential. You can’t be an athlete without consistent physical training just as you can’t be mentally healthy and strong without consistent wellness practices that help you maintain a positive mental space.
How do I learn how to get more comfortable with the unknown?
To say it short and sweet; Being able to surrender to what is and allow what is happening vs. fight it, is aligned with getting more comfortable with the unknown.
Take a moment to check in with what your belief is around “the unknown.” Close your eyes and connect into your body and see if you notice any sort of feelings come up when you think about the concept of uncertainty. What does uncertainty feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? If you notice that resistance, fear and anxiety are dominantly surfacing then it makes sense why you would want do everything in your power to control outcomes and rigidly plan ahead.
The truth is that, if you take a step back and reflect on your life, the unknown moments are usually the really special ones. Moments of uncertainty are commonly filled with some sort of magic if we allow them to pan out. This magic can’t come into fruition when things are curated, uber planned or expected. Shifting a fear based perspective to one filled with curiosity and presence can help you greatly. The unexpected is where really special life moments live. The day you were born. The day a really significant person walked into your life. The random day that you took an action that really shifted things for your life. Again, work to see how the unexpected is, often, where excitement lives.
If you can shift your perspective to accept and actually find where the element of surprise lives within the unknown, you will be more equipped to sit and find joy in the feeling state of uncertainty. (Find my blog post to further help you with accepting the concept of uncertainty HERE.)
How do I let go and practice surrender?
Remind yourself that you only have so much control over a situation until it’s beyond you. There’s a point in most situations where your interception can actually be unproductive or in the way, which leads to circumstances falling out of your favor. (I think we’ve all witnessed someone “try too hard” and completely sabotage something they really wanted.)
As I mentioned, you’ll see this with trying too hard. It’s also shows up with overly extending yourself and having poor boundaries to the point where your self respect is being compromised. It’s important to start getting more familiar with the point in life and in particular situations, where your efforts have reached an expiration point. Remember that you can do what you can do and then it’s important to practice releasing and letting go.
As always, I hope my words help to encourage you and calm your fears. Thanks for being here with me.
-xx, kim
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Above image is by Photographer + Visual Artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Self Trust: Why It's So Important & Practices to Build It
Trust is a fragile thing. Once broken can it fully be repaired?
There are some lines that some may cross, which are too much for us to bear. Someone compromising our trust is one thing; however, when we compromise the trust that we hold with ourselves, problems begin to appear in our lives.
How much you trust yourself dictates how much others will trust you. This impacts how everything pans out in your life.
Pause. Take that in. Allow it to resonate; Deeply.
It’s common for us to pay a lot of attention to our external relationships, which, no doubt are incredibly important. However, the relationship we hold with ourself is The Ultimate. The level of trust and respect that we have for ourself is dictating everything.
Our language and the words we speak highlight the relationship that we have with ourself. Being intentional about the words we say, both internally and externally, can shift our lives. When we’re consistently clear, intentional and respectful with our words, we build a level of self trust that creates a strength of character that’s invaluable.
The truth is, every time that you say you’re going to do something and you don’t follow through with your word, you chip away at the relationship that you hold with yourself. Meaning, you become, little by little, out of alignment with your truth.
Just as if someone outside of you wasn’t clear or “of their word,” when you’re inconsistent and don’t do what you say, you compromise a trusting, healthy relationship with You. Over time, if you keep incongruent words and actions up, you’ll stop believing your words and ability to act, which is a huge problem.
It’s bigger than big problem. It’s something to greatly pay attention to: Your accountability with and to your own Self.
Once self trust is broken or compromised, there’s a myriad of negative effects that will result: Low self concept, low confidence, self doubt, feelings of inferiority, scarcity about life and what you can accomplish; the list goes on and it’s not pretty.
Unclear, vague language keeps us stuck. False negative stories that we hold about ourself keeps us stuck. Both of these things keeps us “in the struggle.” (no thank you) It keeps us complaining. It keeps us small. It keeps us from living to our full potential. It keeps our confidence at bay. It keeps us doubting our capabilities.
There’s no need for this when intentional words and healthy thoughts, beliefs and stories can take the place.
We choose our language. We choose our beliefs, whether it feels like we do or not. At the end of the day; It’s our choice. This can be hard to see and accept, but the acknowledgement and acceptance of that fact can change your life.
It’s not necessary to suffer the consequences of unclear language when you can hone the art of being direct and clear. Your relationship with Self will begin to be cleared up by becoming more intentional about two main items:
The thoughts, beliefs and words you say internally (the quality of your self talk, what personal limits and beliefs you hold)
What you say externally to yourself and others via your conversations and comments.
Below is an example of how you can begin to clarify and correct your language.
Practice to Increase Self Trust: Use Clarifying Language
from: I can’t
to: I don’t or I choose not to
“I can’t drink tonight because I’m on a 30 day cleanse.” to “I’m choosing not to drink this month.” or “I don’t drink anymore.”
from: probably or maybe
to: I will
“I probably will make it to the party.” to “I will make it to the party.”
from: I have to
to: I choose too/ I get to
“I have to go to my friends event.” to “I get to go to my friends event.”
from: I don’t know
to : I’ll figure it out
“I don’t know what to do about my business.” to “I’ll figure out with time what to do about my business.”
As you begin to speak differently, both internally and externally, you will organically begin to shift your relationship with your (Self.) Think of a friend that starts talking to you with more kindness, love, patience and care. It would impact and shift your friendship for the better.
It’s truth. It’s not complicated. Don’t complicate it. Free yourself and suffer much less by clarifying your language.
The big, overarching shift is your acknowledgment and ownership of your words, actions and how you’re showing up, first and foremost, to your own self and then to others and the world.
Today’s Practice: Be mindful of your self talk as well as how you talk externally with others. Watch your inner dialogue. Witness it. Be the observer and see what you discover about the health of your language. If you notice it can be corrected with more kind and loving tones, be intentional about shifting it. Over time you can shift your relationship with yourself by changing your words, tone and becoming more intentional and clear.
Much love friends. As always, thanks for reading.
*Images by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson for @worn_culture.
What's Your Emotional Weapon? (Unpacking Defense Mechanisms)
My younger self used the emotional weapon of punishment. My punishment was silent. My quiet judgement and blocked off heart couldn’t be seen or heard, but it was.
This “punishing” behavior was extremely unconscious on my part, although, if i think back to my earlier relationships, particularly with men, I see how when I was hurt or disappointed, I punished.
Like so many of us, my claws came out when I was hurt, in pain and let down.
I cringe writing that, however it’s the truth.
The truth sometimes, and often, is not pretty, is uncomfortable and can make you feel the ick. I own this past aspect of my behavior and choose to expose it, for it’s a reminder of my growth, imperfection and journey.
Punishing is what I knew. It’s what was done to me; so it’s what I did to others. Isn’t that how it goes?
So often it is; we do to others, what was done to us.
Punishment is not a “defense mechanism” that I listed below, however it’s mine to speak of and, in this space with this particular topic, worth mentioning. I had a parent that I watched “punish” others when they felt wronged by ignoring, silent treatment, shaming, criticism, etc.
I still have to be mindful and aware of my initial response when i feel disappointment because, as we all know, old habits die hard. These days my response to feeling disappointment and hurt shows up as withdrawing and isolating. It’s shifted to more of a “self punishment” rather than an outward one. That’s the defense mechanism that I have to keep my eye on.
*Journal Prompt: What’s your defense mechanism? What do you need to keep your eye on? What do you do when you’re treated unfairly or get results from life that brings up undesirable feelings?
Defense mechanisms are ways that we, either consciously or not, have learned to protect ourselves from psychological harm. The problem is that, often, they are negative ways of coping that we developed in our younger years by modeling behavior of what was done to us. Defensive behaviors also result as ways to cope with hard feelings when we’re not emotionally or mentally equipped to know or do any different.
It takes awareness to be intentional and choose a healthy response when we’re dealing with hard circumstances. It takes emotional intelligence to handle things in a healthy way if we were never taught to do so. It takes emotional intelligence and a healthy amount of self awareness to handle life and all the challenges and feelings it exposes us too; Period.
Food for Thought: Defense mechanisms that come out more intensely in our adulthood could point to unhealed insecurities from our childhood.
Let’s go over some common defense mechanisms that we might use to cope that can be causing havoc in our lives and relationships. *Note: We’re all human and, most likely have times when defensive behaviors arise. In this particular post, I’m not speaking to the human condition of having a bad day and having a moment where a behavior that’s doesn’t highlight your best self temporarily overtakes you.
In this post I’m speaking to when the way you’re consistently responding to life, via your defensive behaviors, is causing harm. When these behaviors and forms of protection become tools for how you handle your uncomfortable feelings consistently, that’s when there’s something to reflect and shine a light on.
11 Common Defense Mechanisms
Denial: Refusing to acknowledge real facts or circumstances that lead to anxiety or unpleasant emotions. Denial can also involve altering the meaning of an event so that its impact is diverted and denied. Example: If something important to you goes wrong, in order to cope, you might twist reality by convincing yourself that “you just don’t care.”
Projection: Attributing a threatening urge, impulse, or aspect of oneself to someone else. Projection is a way of putting your unpleasant feelings or circumstances onto another. For example, instead of acknowledging that you’re mad at someone, you may accuse the other of being mad at you.
Rationalization: Justifying or validating a mistake or problem with logic and reasoning. Creating an acceptable but incorrect explanation of a situation. An attempt to validate an action, behavior or truth into something it’s not.
Intellectualization: Thinking about something logically, coldly and without emotion. It’s where intricate thinking is used to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Avoidance: Avoiding handling a problem by non acknowledgment. With avoidance, you’ll dismiss any uncomfortable or negative thoughts or feelings without trying to understand them. You might also avoid people or places that make you feel uncomfortable.
Repression: Blocking difficult thoughts from your conscious awareness. Keeping a thought, feeling, or memory of an experience out of consciousness. It’s the “forget about it” approach. Things such as forbidden desires, painful or emotionally difficult situations could be what you would repress.
Reaction formation: Doing the opposite of what you would really like to do. Example: Going out of your way to be nice to someone you really disliked?
Regression: Returning to an earlier or more childlike form of defense. Physical and psychological stress may sometimes lead people to abandon their more mature self and defense mechanisms. Example: Whining in a childlike manner on a first date would be a display of regression.
Displacement: Substituting aggression with a substitute object. Example: being frustrated with your dad, so you’re mean to your girlfriend.
Compartmentalization: Separating components of your life into different detached catagories in order to avoid conflicting emotions. Seeing aspects of your life as separate verses a cohesive whole of what your life is and who you are. Example: “Whatever happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico.”
Compensation: The act of overachieving in one area to compensate for failure in another. “This psychological strategy allows people to disguise inadequacies, frustrations, stresses, or urges by directing energy toward excelling or achieving in other areas. While it can be beneficial at times, it can also cause problems when it is overused or misapplied.” (verywellmind)
Healing Defensive Coping
Learn & develop healthy coping skills: Examples could be establishing more effective ways to communicate, committing to regular exercise, establishing healthy boundaries, engaging in a consistent yoga or meditation practice or evolving your level of self awareness and growth.
Seek therapy: Having an environment that encourages and supports your personal growth can help you identify and shift any negative behaviors and ways of coping that you might be doing.
Increase your level of self awareness: As you increase your level of self awareness you will increase your awareness of any behaviors that you might be doing that are unhealthy or negatively impacting your life and relationships.
As always, so much of “the work” when it comes to personal wellness is continually doing and exposing yourself to things that help you grow and evolve as a human. Stay open and courageous enough to admit where there’s “work” to be done and continue to embark on the journey toward your best self.
Cheers friends. Wishing you well.
*Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson taken of her clothing line @jadedclothing
Chronic Anger (tips to cope)
Feeling angry every once in awhile is apart of the human experience. However, when anger becomes chronic and effects your relationships and feelings about yourself, that’s when it’s time to look inward. Introspection around why you might be chronically angry can help you unpack what’s going on for you and offer you the chance to gain better coping skills.
I’ve set up this post in a Q & A format to speak to some general questions about why you might be struggling with anger that’s chronic.
What are some reasons why someone might feel angry all the time?
When anger is chronic that often points to an inability to cope with anger in a healthy way generally speaking. (I know this can be obvious, hear me out.) When events occur that trigger an angry response, but anger is something that you’re in the habit of repressing, that’s when emotional residue will build up. When emotions are repressed or not worked through in a healthy manner, overtime that can lead to chronic anger.
Also, a lot of us have a false conception that "being angry" is negative. This causes us further more to hide or not allow anger to be expressed. The truth is that anger is an emotion that needs to be felt. It’s a normal, human emotion.
Anger is tremendously important to pay attention to because it allows us to be aware of when our boundaries are being compromised or crossed. For example, a healthy person will naturally and instinctually get angered when being pushed physically or emotionally in an aggressive or unhealthy way. Anger is meant to trigger our internal alarm system so we can self protect. It’s a very valuable emotion to pay attention to.
Anger becomes negative when the way that we cope with being angry is damaging to ourselves and our relationships.
What mental health conditions might cause persistent feelings of anger?
Anxiety (which is a symptom of focusing on the future) can nurture persistent feelings of anger due to constant worrying and thinking about events that trigger angry feelings. Depression (which is a symptom of dwelling in the past) can allow events from the past to remain “stuck,” which creates "unhealthy residue" within.
Whatever we "suppress" causes depression. A consistent suppression of angry feelings leads to a depressive state overtime. When we continue to dwell on past events that bring up anger without processing the anger in a healthy way, we will not be able to "let go" of the unprocessed angry emotions and, therefore, they will continue to fester within.
What are the consequences of uncontrolled anger on relationships?
Uncontrolled anger will cause major disruption in relationships. When anger is not dealt with constructively, it’s often the reason why a relationship will end in a destructive and negative way. Resentment is what is built overtime when anger is not properly expressed and handled. Passive aggressive behaviors can present as symptoms of pent up anger.
When the event doesn’t match the reaction, that’s a good measure to identify if your anger is stemming from past events and resentments. (EX: “crying over spilled milk.”) Look for “over reactions.” This kind of reaction is often pointing to pent up feelings that have not been processed properly, if at all.
Unhealthy verbal tones, fueled negative comments and aggressive physical reactions all point toward symptoms of anger that’s not being dealt with in a productive way. These ways of being do not allow for healthy communication nor relationships to be healthy and safe.
The ultimate consequence of improperly dealing with chronic anger is damaging your relationships to the point of no return.
Is venting important to cope with anger?
Yes, venting in a healthy way allows emotions to be released. Talking about how you feel in a way where you’re allowing your emotions to be heard and processed is important.
There’s also a fine line between venting in a healthy way and "emotionally dumping" on another, which is unhealthy and draining. Healthy venting entails a person being authentic about how something made them feel. Healthy venting is not complaining. Rather, it's looking at a situation at face value, owning your part and being real with yourself about the feelings that are coming up for you. Speaking about what bothers you in a productive way, allows the space for healthy perspective around the situation so you can move forward and deal with the situation in an emotionally mature, calm manner. Healthy venting is the process that allows you to feel your feelings so they can be processed, worked through and, ultimately, peacefully laid to rest.
5 actionable ways to cope with feelings of anger / There are healthy ways to manage your anger. Here are 5 quick tips:
1 Remind yourself that anger is not negative. It's a natural human emotion. Allow it. It's more about how you deal with and react to feeling anger that’s the potential problem, not anger itself.
2 Allow yourself the time and space that you need to feel your angry emotions so you don't react in an impulsive & unhealthy way. A good rule of thumb: Take some space and time in order to allow your anger to process before you respond.
3 Learn to communicate and express yourself in a way where you honor your feelings so they are expressed and released. Also, the better the communication, the higher chance for the other party to understand your point of view, which can lead to better results in terms of conflict resolution.
4 Be intentional about your self care practices. Think HALT: Meaning, check in with your emotional state. Be mindful if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? (HALT, meaning slow your roll, stop, pause and take some time to regroup before you react or proceed.)
If you’re any one of these 4 emotions, your reaction to feeling angered will have an extra charge. (Meaning, it will be more difficult to keep your cool because your system is off. )
Having a consistent and healthy lifestyle is huge. It sounds so basic, but it’s 100% necessary in order to be a happy, well functioning person. It’s often the small stuff, that overtime, can make a huge difference to our functioning. Check in with your eating and sleeping habits, alcohol intake and work/life balance. If these areas are “off” it could absolutely be adding to your chronic feelings of anger.
5 Do some introspection and journaling around events from the past that might be triggering chronic anger. Take some time to sit still with yourself and practice some "radical honesty” in terms of what events still have some emotional charge that need to be cleared out. This is vulnerable and takes courage. Look for any unresolved issues that are festering within. Here’s where you might decide that you need more professional help if you feel like your resentment(s) from past events are getting in the way of your functioning and happiness. Here’s an article on How to find the right mental health professional for you.
In wrapping this up, here’s what I want you to know: You could gain a healthy relationship with anger. It’s beyond possible. With intention, practice and the want to shift, it’s only a matter of time that your reaction to angry feelings can change for the better.
*Above image was taken @villapalomajoshuatree by Photographer, Renata Amazonas.
on letting go
”they asked her,
“what does letting go mean?”
she answered,
letting go does not mean erasing a memory or ignoring the past; it is when you are no longer reacting to the things that used to make you feel tense and you are releasing the energy attached to certain thoughts. it takes self-awareness, intentional action, practice, and time. letting go is the act of getting to know yourself so deeply that all delusions fall away.”
-Yung Pueblo from Clarity & Connection (I highly recommend this book!)
Q: How do you let go when you don’t know how to let go?
For some of us, it’s a skill that we don’t have to think that much about; We. Just. Let. Go. It’s a natural “knee jerk” reaction. This could be because of growing up with influences (like our parents) that naturally taught us to let go via example. Maybe in words. Maybe in actions, the point being that we had the very healthy example of non attachment, allowing and surrendering. All that is required with letting go.
And….drumroll….some of us did not have that example.
If you’re struggling with the process of letting go, this post is for you.
This read is for the person who tends to hold on real tight and suffers greatly when “things don’t go as planned” or feels “out of control.” A lack of flexibility and a constant need for control creates a lot of anxiety and stuck energy. “Stuck energy” will show up as a lack of flow and chronic frustration. Not “letting go” or (AKA) “not allowing” is usually partnered with a feeling that you will never get beyond the situation at hand.
This may or may not be conscious for the person who struggles with letting go, which is why my words present an opportunity for your self introspection. Pay attention to your unique relationship with the concepts of fear and control. Usually when we hold a lot of fear and find comfort in control, the act of letting go will be very difficult for us.
Our inability to let go can get physical:
When we suppress our feelings by ignoring them or burying them deep within, they cannot pass through and, therefore, remain stuck. A buildup of unprocessed emotions can manifest physically in our bodies: physical pressure across our bodies, specifically the back and neck. Some of the physical symptoms that you can experience are digestive issues, acne, achy joints, irritability, insomnia, headaches, to name some.
How to let go:
Instead of ignoring, escaping or blocking an emotion allow it to come up. (I know this is hard, especially for those of us who have created the habit of ignoring or avoiding our emotions.) The beginning of your healing journey toward letting go in a healthy way is to start allowing yourself to feel your emotions. Not selectively, but collectively. All of them. The good. The “bad” and the “ugly.” Accept them all for they all are screaming for a platform to be expressed and felt so they can feel heard and then settle in a peaceful way.
Be aware of false stories convincing you that “it’s better not to feel.”
Be aware of the rationalizations that the mind creates in an attempt to validate and defend negative feelings, “old stories” or stuck behaviors. We often have become very savvy at protecting ourselves from our difficult emotions, so we have set up some pretty convincing validation of why it’s better to avoid feeling or confronting our emotional world. (Again, this can be conscious or not.) *This is another opportunity for you to reflect on where you’re at with confronting or validating your specific emotions.
Questions to consider for journaling and reflection:
What events or feelings do you avoid thinking about?
What happens to you emotionally and physically when someone brings up a topic that is hard for you to talk about or think about?
How to allow an emotion to surface: (especially when it’s difficult) Just feel …….and feel ………..and feel until that emotion runs its course. Stay with it. Breath through it. Be with it and, eventually, with your commitment to feel, your patience to stay, it will pass friends. It will.
“Feelings are wordless.” To process feelings let the sensations or feelings come and go freely. Letting go is something that you can learn how to do if it’s a struggle for you. It does require your willingness and bravery to face the things, emotions and events that you have been avoiding or validating away.
My hope is for the above words and perspectives to help you grow and evolve. If you feel like you need more support with learning the skills to let go, feel free to reach out to me or check out this post on how to find an aligned mental health professional to help you with this process HERE.
* Above image is by Photographer, Renata Amazonas
Also, here’s the latest podcast that I was featured on. I was so happy to be on the @thoughtsmayvarypodcast. We cover the anxiety that can get created by over-intellectualizing, discovering our inner truths, how to build self trust and self worth and go over the mind, body connection. Check it out on any of the below platforms.
Listen on SPOTIFY / Listen on APPLE PODCASTS / Here’s the YOUTUBE
10 Introspective Questions To Ask & Know About Yourself
This post is designed to provide exploratory and introspective questions to help you understand yourself further. I believe that becoming more aware of how you tick by exploring what and who is significant to you is key to everything; attracting fulfilling relationships, accomplishing what you desire and, ultimately, being the best version of yourself that you can be.
The questions below can be BIG, meaning the answer can be vast and require you to dig deep. Spend as much time as you need on each one. Don’t try to answer them all at once. These questions require time and space. If a question feels too intimidating, skip it. If you’re not feeling inspired to answer one question, move forward. One thing I will say, is that when there’s resistance to any question, I want you to notice it, as resistance often points to where growth and expansion live. Eventually, try to go toward the questions that you’re refraining from.
So, here they are. Give yourself space and time to answer these. Perhaps break it up with answering one at a time in your journal daily. Or spend a week on one. Whatever your process is for gaining personal insight to these questions is allowed and encouraged here. Do whatever you need to do. I hope the insight that you gain via your answers bring value to you and your life.
What do I value most in life?
What is my definition of success?
Do I feel like I make good use of my time? (If not, what can i cut back on and bring in?)
Who are the most important people in my life?
What stresses me out?
How do I see myself?
Does how I see myself align with how I want others to see me?
When do i most feel myself? (Around who, where or doing what activities?)
What am I afraid of?
Do I love myself? (Why or why not?)
As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate you. If you haven’t yet, check out my YOUTUBE channel HERE. I post videos on various mental health, relationship and wellness topics to support your growth.
*Above Image was a collaboration with Photographers, Renata Amazonas & Ashley WIlliams. Image taken @thecitadel.joshuatree.
Tips to Improve Your Mental Health (Healthy Mind Practices)
Attention Goes Where Energy Flows
Where’s Your Head At?
If you feel unsettled, stuck or out of alignment, chances are that your point of focus is off. Energy and thought focused in the “wrong” direction will create more unhappiness than need be. When I say “point of focus” I’m referring to the specific topics that we spend our time and energy thinking, worrying and ruminating about. The good news is that our point of focus can be changed. We can learn tools and skills to create a happy headspace. The trick is to become aware and intentional about what we think about.
Our current life situation is a result of all the thoughts that we’ve had, both past and present, up until this present moment. Take a moment to reflect on where your heads been recently. What were you thinking about this morning? What’s currently on your mind? Not sure? Then connect with how you feel right now. Do you feel good? Calm? Anxious? Whatever you’re feeling currently is a product of what you’ve been thinking about.
Some of us have created a habit of living in a state where we consistently focus on what we perceive to be “wrong” with our life circumstances. (For the record, whenever we’re looking for a problem, we’ll find one.) For the purpose of this post, I’m referring to an over focus on what we can’t control, which sends us in a worried and fear based state. When we’re chronically focused on “what’s not going right” we will constantly feel stressed and, inevitably, depressed.
If you notice that you tend to spend a lot of your time thinking about “what’s wrong,” what would it mean for you to intentionally switch your focus toward what’s going right?
I’m not asking you to “ignore” problems. I understand that problems need attention at times in order to be resolved in a healthy way. However, after you’ve done what you can do with any issue in your life, there’s a point where acceptance of what IS and letting go is what will lead you to more peace and productivity within your life.
There tends to be an invisible “expiration date” with many things in life; relationships, jobs, environments, habits, etc, and when we stay past that expiration date, we begin to chip away at our sense of self and, ultimately, what’s best for us on a grand scale. Be mindful of this “deadline” when it comes to your point of focus. When is when? Meaning, when does thinking about a certain issue become “overkill” and lead you to feel more fear, worry and unhappiness then you need to experience? When you spend too much time turning the same issue around and around in your head, it’s just a matter of time where you will loose perspective and clarity on the issue. Begin to pay attention and learn the signs and symptoms that present for you when you’re overly focused on something that you can’t control.
With all that said, what would it mean for you to switch your focus toward what IS going right while accepting that imperfect events and situations are apart of life? We will all face specific hardships and problems. Nobody escapes this aspect of life. Becoming more accepting of the issues that will come and go within our lives will improve and increase our overall satisfaction and happiness level.
Let me add this tid bit in for clarity purposes: I’m not discounting that there’s issues in life. Hard issues. This is true. However, looking at what is also going “right,” especially when the difficult material presents, will greatly help you get through the challenging stuff.
Wonder if we spent our time thinking about what we do want in our life instead of what we don’t want? What you think about grows. It expands and melts into everything going on around you. You will allow the space for more fulfilling opportunities to come in by focusing on positive possibilities and good feelings. This is a practice. It’s not so much “luck” that you think others have over you when good things keep coming their way. What’s happening for those “others” is that they’re spending more time thinking and projecting good things for their future vs. focusing on the negative.
It’s always important to evaluate how we’re spending our time on both a physical and mental level. Here are some questions to help you gain more clarity around your point of focus.
Questions for Journaling & Reflection
What are you spending your time thinking about? How do you feel when you think about this particular topic(s)?
Is there an issue that you find yourself chronically fixated on and ruminating about? What is it? Write about your feelings on this issue?
Can you find acceptance for what you can’t control? How does it feel to think about that concept? Can you intentionally decide to let go of your negative focus? What would you think about if you didn’t think about “the problem?”
Cheers All. I appreciate you being here and reading. For more perspectives on a variety of wellness topics, come visit me on my YOUTUBE channel HERE.
*Above image by Photographer & Creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas.
How to Quiet Your Inner Critical Voice
What’s the tone of your inner voice? Harsh? Mean? Critical? Supportive? Does it lift you up or tear you down?
The general vibe of our inner voice greatly determines what we go after in life. It can help us thrive or hold us back; Big time. Call the inner murmur whatever you want; The voice in your head. The harsh inner critic. The bad roommate within. Having a supportive team mate in your head that encourages you to take risks and pursue the things that light you up is invaluable.
This post is for those of you who struggle with a negative inner voice. A voice that’s discouraging and depletes you of hope. A voice that chips away at your sense of self and creates doubt for no reason. A voice that’s constantly sending the message that what you’re doing isn’t “good enough.” A voice that always has something to complain about, leaving you chronically exhausted and drained of your life force energy.
One main key toward quieting your critical inner voice is in understanding where it evolved from. Meaning, if it’s negative and critical, taking some time to ask Why? Why is my inner tone so harsh? Why do I talk to myself so poorly? When you begin to gain understanding of what’s going on, you can then learn the skills to get this voice in check so you can live your life with more peace.
More inner peace will help you create and live to your full potential.
Here are some steps toward a healthier inner voice.
Step 1
Educate : Discover the origin of your inner critic and bring self empathy to heal.
ORIGIN Why do I talk to myself so critically?
Usually our critical voice is mimicking a voice from the past. Perhaps you had a critical parent, and your inner voice is on repeat based on what you heard growing up. The way that we continuously talk to ourselves becomes apart of our mental blueprint and way of functioning. To say it straight, some of us have embodied the critical voice of a pivotal person from our childhood and created a duplicate version to live upstairs in our head. In this case, what we experienced (how we were spoken to in the past) becomes our normal. We don’t question the negative tone and unkind commentary. We accept it, usually without the awareness of how destructive it is and how much it’s holding us back in the present. Needless to say, a negative inner voice really impacts how we feel about ourselves.
EXERCISE FOR SELF EMPATHY
In order to begin to turn around the harsh inner critic, it’s important to find empathy for yourself. Here’s an exercise to help you tap in.
Find a childhood picture that you connect with in order to reconnect with your younger self. Put your picture up in a location where you’ll see it frequently throughout the day; On your home screen saver, your bathroom mirror, in your wallet, etc.
Find empathy for this younger you that was growing, witnessing and observing life with all that was going on at the time. Including hard moments, confusing moments, criticisms, good times, exciting times, etc. Tap into your “inner child” and “sit with the emotions” coming up.
Step 2
The Work: Observe, question and practice skills to create a healthier inner critic.
OBSERVE
In your work to quiet your inner critic, I point you toward paying close attention to this voice. I want you to explore where it was born, whose voice it might be, how harsh the tone is, how constant and loud it is, etc. I will provide questions for you to do the exploratory work below. This might require some time and space to document your findings.
A positive shift of your inner voice is a game changer. It’s like dropping the weight of a bowling ball that you’ve been carrying around for NO reason, but have been holding onto because you’ve never questioned it. (Nuts.) Shifting the tone of your self talk to include more positivity and kindness will help you create more calm and peace within. This positive shift will ripple onto all areas of your life by affecting the energy that you bring to everything you do.
QUESTIONS FOR INTROSPECTION
Who’s voice is talking up there? Mom’s? Dad’s? A critical coach, teacher or relative from the past? (Remember: It’s common for us to mimic the voice of those who we spent significant time with or who left a pivotal impact on us during our childhood.
What’s your inner voice saying to you?
Is it judgmental?
Kind?
Shaming?
What’s the tone?
How does this voice hold you back?
The Work (4 Steps)
When you get in the habit of becoming more aware of your self criticism and then pair it with understanding and acceptance, we’ve got a winning combo. This acknowledgment of a negative inner voice will allow us to be aware of it and do the things to bring it down from a level 10. Refraining from feeding into the negativity with awareness & acknowledgement will, overtime, help you course correct.
Every time you become aware that your inner critic is rearing, acknowledge the thought and refrain from feeding into the negativity by not giving it energy. “Hello thought, you’re there. ” Just let the thought BE so it can dissipate. Next, refocus your energy on the healthy and fulfilling things that you can think about or put energy into that serve you. If you keep doing this practice, with time, you will have a more peaceful inner headspace. There will be “less noise” up there because you’re constantly clearing your mind of unwanted clutter.
Here’s a mini breakdown of “The Work”
Find awareness. (Be able to acknowledge when you’re being unkind to yourself.)
Acknowledge the thought (I’m speaking super negative to myself.)
Allow the thought to be there without giving “it” your energy. (Hello thought, I see you, however, I’m not going to give you my energy. Goodbye.)
Refocus on what you were doing or could be doing for your better good.
Commit to this practice. (Create the space in order to have the energy and capacity to keep these skills in practice. This leads to the next point.)
A few more general tips…..
SLOW DOWN
In order to become more aware of your thoughts and have the energy to take positive action by doing “the work,” you might need to slow down. It’s incredible how distorted we can get about what “normal is” in terms of the pace that we’re operating at. It takes time and space to think clearly and do the good things for yourself to be healthy in your mind, body and soul.
Be mindful to make room for the things that tend to go first when we’re stressed. Meaning, I often hear clients tell me that they let go of their “basics” when they’ve had a stressful week. “Basics,” meaning, eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, asking for support, etc. This will not promote you to do the work that it will take to get your head back into a healthy and happy place. We have to constantly tend to our emotional and physical health to feel good.
PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION
If you feel like you’re having a hard time managing the harsh words of your inner critic, start with doing actions externally to set the tone of kindness. Meaning, if you simply can’t get a hold of what’s going on in your head, do something physically healthy for your body, mind & soul. Go to a yoga class, go surf, go run, go hike, meditate, walk around the block, eat a healthy meal, drink a big glass of water, jump in a body of water, take an art class, journal, learn a new skill, spend time with a friend who fills you up. etc. Do what YOU need to do to feed your body and soul. (Only you know what that is.) Make sure your self care is being tended too. Be consistent with the practices that make you feel good. It’s kind to take good care of yourself. Start there.
GIVE FACTS ENERGY; NOT STORIES
Often, when we struggle with negative self talk, getting in the habit of focusing on facts, not stories will help you greatly. (This is important in all areas of life. If you follow my content, you’re familiar with me saying, “Focus on Facts.” So much struggle is born when we get caught in assumptions about ourselves or others by swaying from the truth, which are facts.
When you catch yourself tearing yourself down with criticism, find the facts of the matter to see the truth. For example, if you say to yourself, “I’m so dumb,” practice questioning this rigid, over arching statement. Maybe there’s truth that what you just did was not the most intelligent thing; That’s not the problem. The problem is labeling yourself harshly for one act and putting a hard generalization on yourself, which makes you feel bad and tears down your sense of self.
Please give yourself a break from your all or none thinking, which will keep you in a loop of never feeling good enough.
Someone can do something “not so great” AND that doesn’t mean that they’re “not so great.” Separate the action or choice from your sense of self and who you are as a person. This is huge. Generally speaking, refraining from focusing on stories that paint a tainted picture of YOU will help you have higher esteem and feel better.
I hope these practices speak to you and give you a direction on what to do in order to find a more positive tone for your inner critic. One of the most important things you can do in this life is give yourself the respect that you deserve. When you have self respect and self compassion you will attract that same respect back to you. Whether you believe in the WOO WOO world of energetics or not, we’re constantly setting the tone for how much respect we get from life by how we treat ourselves.
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Invitation for You
Want to talk more?
Contact me HERE to explore working together.
Let’s stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at @IAMKIMEGEL
Looking for guidance on choosing a therapist?
Read my post on finding “the right therapist” for you — HERE
*Above image taken in Joshua Tree by Photographer, Ashley WIlliams.
Holiday Mental Health Collaboration w/ Wellness Brand CLEVR
My most recent collaboration is with wellness brand CLEVR, a mission driven wellness company making plant based “magic” in coastal California. (I’m loving their latte mixes this season!) Check out the Q & A feature about how to keep your mental health alive and well during the holiday season HERE.
Happy Holidays friends. Be safe and merry.
*Image by photographer, Renata Amazonas.
What Overthinking Does To Your Life (And How To Stop)
“A mind too active is no mind at all.” -Theodore Roethke
Although overthinking is something many of us do, it’s important to be aware of the negative impact it can have on our lives that can get swept under the rug and normalized.
Overthinking can feel like torture and, if chronic, can chip away at the quality of our lives. It can numb out joy and make us feel incredibly alone. It can create strain in our relationships or even cause them to destruct depending on the degree of our overthinking and assuming ways.
When overthinking becomes excessive, it’s often a consequence of being overly criticized as a child. Over thinking is a trauma response of having to analyze the environments and behaviors of others in order to feel accepted, keep the peace and feel comfortable as a child. Healing begins when we can acknowledge this inner child part of ourselves that is still on high alert in a continued attempt to feel safe. Healing occurs when we address this behavior of overthinking and do the work to attune the emotions that are causing our need to be hyper aware and overly vigilant.
What I’m going to do in this post is offer some insight and perspectives to help you become more aware of your over analyzing ways so you can heal these destructive thinking habits and work toward becoming more peaceful and present.
I specifically use the word “present” because “being present’ is on the opposite spectrum of overthinking. When we’re “in our heads” (overthinking) we’re absolutely not present. One main tool to combat overthinking is to find ways that help us to BE in the moment. This post is for you to discover and create ways to do just that.
Let’s jump right in and discuss 4 symptoms of overthinking.
1. You Feel Less Joy
When you’re overthinking you’re not in the present moment. This is based on the mere fact that you can’t be in two places at once. If you find yourself consistently forgetful about details of your environment and the people in it, chances are that you’re preoccupied with the world going on in your mind. If your goal is to be happy what I can tell you with 100% confidence is that you will not find happiness by overthinking. On the contrary, a racing mind repels happiness.
Here’s what else is important for you to know. Overthinking is a bad habit and habits can be changed. I know several people who I’ve worked with that believed that there was nothing that they could do about their overthinking because it “is just the way they are”
Not true, my friend.
You are not your overthinking. It’s not in control of you. (Unless you allow it to be.) It’s actually the opposite: Overthinking is a habit that you can get a handle on and as you do your life will change for the better.
2. Your Relationships Are Feeling Disconnected
Have you ever spent time with someone who was clearly not present?
It can be incredibly frustrating to be with someone whose truly not with you because they’re caught in the intricacies of their mind.
When you’re out and about in life and spending time within your relationships, but not really “there,” the level of connection, presence, bonding, authenticity and overall joy is compromised.
A healthy relationship requires two people to show up fully in order to play and engage with each other. This is merely impossible when one party (or both) is not present.
I understand that we’re not perfect beings and sometimes we might have a day when our mind is in LA LA land (normal.) However, if “checked out” becomes a consistent state, there’s more to look at here. Your relationships will be at stake if just fragments of you continue to show up within your connections.
3. You Chronically Feel Exhausted
It takes a lot of mental energy to overthink. Over time one of the main side effects of chronic overthinking is physical exhaustion. If you feel constantly exhausted without any sort of explanation to why it could be your racing mind that’s leading you to feel so drained.
4. You Can’t Sleep
This point is pretty straight forward. Your thoughts can be keeping you from initially getting to sleep or awaking you in the wee hours of the morning and sabotaging your ability to rest peacefully. As many of us may know, a lack of sleep leads to so many other issues.
Now that we’ve discussed some symptoms that are present when we’re in our heads, let’s look at 6 practices to help rewire our thinking patterns.
1. Engage with people that can help you rediscover your presence.
Having relationships in your life that guide you toward rediscovering your presence is priceless. The mere modeling of being on the other end of someone who knows how to tap into the present moment will, over time, shift you into a more present person yourself. (Reminder: We do become more like the people who we choose to be around consistently. Choose wisely. Their habits will become your habits over time.)
Look for these present people in your world, value them and hang around them as much as you can.
2. Focus on Facts Not Stories (This is a big one)
This one is pretty cut and dry. A fact is a fact. It’s “what is,” for worse or for better. A fact is the truth of what’s happening or what has happened; It’s not your assumption or story about it. A story is your creative twist and take on a situation, which is not a fact. (Phew! Got that?)
Becoming more savvy by distinguishing the difference between when you’re reacting based on your story vs. the fact of the matter will greatly silence your tendency to overthink.
3. Practice the Cognitive Behavioral Method of “Thought Stopping” (With Acknowledgment of Your Emotionality)
Finding awareness of when you begin to “go down the rabbit hole” with looping thoughts, rumination and overthinking is key to thought stopping. What I’m doing in session with my clients who overthink is modeling thought stopping by guiding them away from their unhealthy habit of creating story. I do this by identifying the emotion (commonly anxiety or fear) leading the overthinking and proceed to shut down the “story” that they’ve created, which is driving their looping thoughts. It’s as if I’m picking out weeds from the grass. I’m picking out what we need to work through (the emotion) while ditching the false story, which is often what’s creating the discomfort and pain.
We usually are reacting more from our fear and story of what might be, rather than what actually is.
As you learn to do this with yourself, over time you will stop getting into destructive thinking loops that lead you to nowhere and you will learn to disengage from your assumptions. You will have so much more time for what is pleasant and true when your awareness increases around your ruminating habits. Discover more details about the thought stopping process here.
4. Move your body
In order to be a healthy person, finding a way to be active and get your blood pumping is a must. There’s very few things that I’m ever going to tell you is a must, and this is one of them. Through movement and breath we can help difficult emotions and stress “push through” our system. Without movement we become stagnant and stuck and start holding onto hard emotions that can literally make us sick. Move your bodies friends. It’s huge.
5. Get Curious/ Get Away From What You Know
Whether it’s an intentional trip to a different part of your town that’s unexplored, a weekend trip somewhere new or traveling outside of the country, please go toward the unknown. This is important because when we go toward our curiosity, we simultaneously go away from our routine and what we know. Our presence is required when we’re not familiar with our surroundings, which automatically gets us out of our heads and into our lives.
6. Find Some Healthy Distractions
Find ways to engage in activities that help your mind focus such as crossword puzzles, a game of chess, reading, engagement in a good film, etc. These activities are like mind aerobics and help focus your mind on something that squashes the tendency to ruminate, loop or overthink. Our brains need to exercise too.
All and all, the biggest take away that I want you to know is that you can do something about your overthinking. If your mind has a hold of you, this is not the way you have to keep living your life. You are not stuck. Finding relief from overthinking is a matter of finding the right “tools.” With awareness, practice, a desire for change and the commitment to “do the work,” over time you will find relief from your hyper analyzing ways.
If you feel like you need more guidance toward combating your negative thinking habits there’s many different ways to search for a therapist and find the right “fit” for you. Check out my post on How to Find the “Right” Therapist for more pointers toward a successful search. Also, feel free to reach out to me with any questions or direction. I’m happy to help.
You can find this article published on @themindsjournal HERE.
Find my youtube video on overthinking HERE.
*Above image is a joint collaboration by Renata Amazonas Photography & Ashley WIlliams Photography.
How Mistakes Encourage Your Growth
For all of you out there afraid to make a move in your life because of the fear of making a “mistake,” this ones for you.
I invite you to try on the perspective for a moment that the biggest mistake of all is consistently protecting yourself from making any. Making no move and no mistakes in life will get you nowhere and keep you in stagnant waters, my friend.
“Making a mistake” in life seems to have a really negative undertone, when often, it’s within our mistakes where we gain clarity, grow and are exposed to valuable information. If you can look beyond any self proclaimed “mistake” my guess is that there’s a gift of insight for you to take in. Often, that very insight will provide momentum that can direct you to your next destination in this journey called life.
Feeling stuck, stagnant and lost in life is an extremely uncomfortable and agonizing feeling. Don’t doubt that even the friend, acquaintance or individual who appears to have it all together and envisions perfection on instagram has felt or will feel that feeling too. Just a reminder that we all have our struggles, we all have our hardships. None of us are alone in that.
For the purpose of this article, I’m writing to my “road less traveled” life adventurers. Often those are the ones of us that can get really lost on the dark road, for they tend to be the group that goes thicker into the forest. It takes one to know one and in this post I will join my clinical skills as a licensed therapist combined with what I’ve learned personally from feeling utterly lost at points of my life to potentially help guide you.
With that said, I want to pose a friendly reminder that life is a journey and if you’re truly living it listening to yourself rather than following the constructs of what you should and ought to do, you will feel stuck at times or even extremely lost along the way.
I believe that “lost” feeling goes with the territory of carving your own path. It’s a brave thing to do. It takes courage and a heightened ability to cope with uncertainty when you’re choosing the road less traveled. This is sometimes why some of us choose the path that’s visible and has clear markers. It appears to feel more safe, and us humans, whether we like to admit it or not, tend to go toward the comfort of the “known” as it’s more inviting and appealing to many of us.
The road less traveled is not laid out for you. This path will require you to walk with fear and keep your anxiety about the uncertain steps ahead at bay while continuing to trudge onward. Remind yourself that choosing to go “the road less traveled,” although unknown, will expose you to the excitement of untapped terrain that’s filled with goodies. If you keep going, you will eventually see some sort of “light” that will direct you. Your work is to be able to hold on tight enough when you’re lost in the dark in order to make it to the light which will provide a direction for you to follow.
If you find yourself questioning your life more than others around you, please try to refrain from comparison. My guess might be that you’re comparing yourself to “others” who made the decision to go down a more well lit road. Neither path is wrong or right. The key is to decide which kind of traveler you are in this life and stay true to what’s in your heart.
Let’s start with a question: What does making a mistake mean to you?
Universally, a mistake often means that we find ourselves unhappy with the result that has come from a choice we’ve made about a person, place or thing. When we hold a lot of fear around making choices, our tendency to hit “bigger” bumps along the way increases for life requires us to choose everyday all day long.
We have to make choices, whether we want to make them or not. Our choices will and do create the tone and context of our overall life. What we choose to put in our mouths every meal, over time, results in what our health and physical body looks like. How we move our bodies everyday, overtime results in our physical appearance and dictates how we feel in and about our bodies. When we choose to go to sleep and wake up dictates the energy and mood that we bring to the day.
With that said, let’s get to it and discuss tips for you to consider if you’re feeling stuck or lost and are seeking a way toward the light.
Here Are 4 Tips to Becoming Unstuck
1. Make one small, new & healthy decision and keep following the momentum of that single choice consistently.
Watch for: Over thinking, negative thinking, talking yourself out of following through with your decision, devaluing your idea, arguing “why” the idea is not a good choice.
The point of making small decisions and following through with them is to retrain your brain and re wire your habit of being frozen and stagnant. I want to pose that if you’re finding yourself stuck, it’s often because you’ve created a habit of not following through on ideas or executing choices. I want you to wake up and work out your choice muscle on small, benign decisions. Start making firm choices with clarity and confidence with the little things, even if you’re not confident about it, just go with it and follow through with a choice.
The point here is to re-fire a muscle that has been dormant. I’m less concerned about your choice here, and more encouraging you to just make a choice for the exercise of making one. We’re working on eliminating your habit of stagnation by no decision making.
Remember, no choice is a choice, so in all reality you’re making the decision to do nothing when you’re stagnant and stuck in life. I know that can sound harsh, but I say that with 100% love for you to be honest with what really is going on, so you can decide to change that behavior at this point if you don’t like it. It’s so cliche to say, but knowledge is power friends.
2. Get out of your head that one choice will make or break you.
Watch for: Again, hello, over thinking, lack of follow through, not being accountable to your intention, playing into excuses.
I’m going to keep this short and sweet. One choice usually is not the end all be all. A series of small choices leads to big change. Take the pressure off of yourself by making small choices and paying attention to how you feel choice by choice. Your emotions and feelings about what is unfolding with each choice can help guide you.
Rule of thumb: If a choice starts to feel consistently bad, revaluate your direction and, perhaps, choose another way.
3. Act intentionally every day by doing your self care and giving yourself enough space to be without distraction.
Watch for: Busyness, lack of being present, getting caught up with “The Jones’s”
Truthfully, this is always a solid life mantra to live by. Be Intentional. We hear it all the time, however living intentionally does take practice, mindfulness and being clear on your priorities.
Every day remind yourself to focus on small actions that you can take to keep momentum going in an area of your life that you’re working to cultivate. Reading a book? Keep reading. Learning guitar? Keep learning. Cultivating a specific relationship? Keep cultivating. Looking for new houses to rent or buy? Keep looking. Dating? Keep talking, texting and meeting up with potential suitors. Just keep doing you.
Here’s what I WANT you to know that your over thinking cannot think up: One thing WILL lead to the next if you keep doing your part of the bargain which is moving and shaking to some degree. “Moving and shaking” meaning taking small actions that overtime can and will lead to bigger change. Take the pressure off of yourself that you have to make one big monumental choice and just start doing small things differently.
If you’ve been thinking of making a certain dish for dinner; cook it. If you’ve thought about journaling, start. I cannot make it clear enough that starting on these little minuit decisions are the building blocks toward creating your “do it” muscle. Little by little the small things gain momentum (if you hold your line and keep your practice consistent.)
Like I’ve said, it’s only a matter of time that small changes will lead to bigger changes. It’s just what the concepts of flow and momentum do. They create change. Clear out the stress and stagnation of trying to figure out how life is going to happen for you. The best that you can do is to live each day presently, while taking action toward the small “hits” that you’re intuitively getting and act on them to some degree.
4. Realize That No Decision is a Decision
Watch for: Thinking that you’re keeping yourself from “making a mistake.” Validation for no action.
Believing that you’re keeping yourself “safe” by not taking action toward curiosities and ideas that excite you is a trap. Refraining from exploring what lights you up is one of the most dangerous habits that I see humans get caught in.
If you never make a move, your life will still happen, it just will be less intentional. That means that the chances of really hitting the mark on what you truly desire will be more questionable. Life never goes exactly as planned, however having some sort of idea about who you are and how you enjoy spending your time and energy are important to consider when making decisions around your life.
Many things in life are out of our control, yet we can make intentional choices about what we want to do with our time and our energy. We can choose what lifestyle we long for and start moving in the direction toward it. What happens along the way in the form of the unexpected is the mystery that life provides for us. Try to enjoy the surprises instead of fear them.
If you “don’t know” what you want, that’s okay, but do your best to honor who you are and what you enjoy doing with your time and energy and that will lead you in a solid direction.
Well, that’s a wrap. I hope these words help reduce the anxiety & fear that often comes along with navigating a room in the dark. Like I said earlier, the problem isn’t the fact that you’re in a moment in your life where things are unclear. The problem, more often, is in the mindset and lack of action that we bring to any situation. As we’ve all heard, it’s what we do with the situation in front of us that can make or break us, not so much the particular situation at hand.
Take care of yourself. Rest. Eat well. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Move your body. These small actions, all together, will provide a good foundation as you practice making the small choices that will steer your life in a direction that suits you.
Cheers.
Below is a youtube video that I made around this specific topic. Enjoy and feel free to SUBSCRIBE to my channel.
How To Say “No” (Why It’s So Important To Do)
How hard is it for you to say “No?” Maybe it’s easy for you, maybe it’s not.
Regardless, when we start talking about saying “No” to the people you care about and the things that you want to do, it can get a bit tricky. If you’re still pretty set that a hard “No” is easy for you to throw down, then good for you and pass this along to a friend who needs some tips. Right on.
Navigating your life by saying “no,” setting boundaries and being clear about your priorities is such a refreshing place to BE. There’s less noise, pressure and guilt in this space. There’s more time for the things that really matter. There’s more peace and calm because boundary setting and being clear about what works for you and what doesn’t will allow you to honor your wants and needs.
An over abundance of saying “Yes” in relationships when we really want to say “No” will leave us drained and detached from our center. To go further, having no boundaries by always saying “Yes” leads to disrespectful treatment from others and a disrespect of self. (No Thank You.) We are showing people how to treat us by how we schedule our time and how we show up in our lives. If we’re giving ourselves scraps, we will be getting scraps from others. As you can imagine, there’s a negative spider web effect that occurs when we deny our needs by people pleasing, having none or weak boundaries and exhausting ourselves because of what we’ve convinced ourselves we “should” do.
First, let’s clear up what saying “No” is not.
For some, saying “No” tends to feel rejecting, rude, not trying hard enough, is selfish, etc. These are some of the validations that keep us saying “Yes” to things that overload our schedules. Needless to say, this negative take on what “No” is, is so far from the truth. Saying “No” is actually extremely empowering, respectful, clear, strong, wise, courageous and important if we want to live a life full of consideration of what’s important to us.
If we get in the habit of continually saying “Yes,” we’ll begin to ignore the sensor going off within that’s trying to signal toward our truth. Ignoring this inner mechanism time and time again will result in a disconnect from having any sort of knowing of what’s a green light and what’s a red light internally. This is how we become misdirected and lost.
To make it clear & simple, “No” is actually a clear, amazing boundary.
It’s not a negative; It’s a necessary. Especially, if you’re going to honor what’s a fit for you in this life.
Saying “No” is one of the most important skills that you can learn. It’s the phrase that’s going to allow you to prioritize what’s important to you. If you say “Yes” to everything, what’s significant to you will get only scraps of your time. This is where problems arise, my friends.
Just to clarify, I’m all for saying “Yes” to those things that are going to help you learn, grow and encourage you to expand. I’m. All. For. It. There’s absolutely a time to say “I’m going for it” and take the leap.
However, it’s essential to protect the energy and time that you only have so much of in a day. In order to protect the limited daily supply of your energy you have to prioritize what’s significant to you, which will require you to say “No” to some people and experiences.
Wait for it… Even the ones you really want to par take in. Taking good care of yourself sometimes means saying “NO” to people and experiences that you want to show up for, but simply don’t have the mental capacity or the physical time for. This is where the concepts of prioritizing and acceptance kicks in. Acceptance that you can’t be in three places at once and that there’s only so much energy that you can expend in a day before you’re burnt out.
Now let’s get into some clear tips to help you say “No” with more confidence, assertiveness and peace in your heart.
Ready, set; Let’s do this.
Tip #1 Accept That Some People Are Going To Dislike Your “No”
I don’t think any of us will be able to escape the reality that there will be people in our world who want us to do what they want us to do. (Did you get that? People who WANT WHAT THEY WANT. NOT PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BEST FOR US.) Please get clear on deciphering this difference within your relationships.
When we say “No” to the relationships that are used to us bending for them by saying “Yes,” we’ll likely face a challenge. This challenge usually comes in the form of what I’ll call “kick back” reactions. “Kick back” meaning reactions like passive aggressive comments, irritated moods, silent treatments, ghosting on texts, ignoring behaviors, etc. (You know, all those warm & fuzzy, feel good behaviors to be on the other end of; Kidding. )
We can face these “kick back” reactions by accepting the truth of the matter here. Instead of being so scared about witnessing a negative reaction from a friend or loved one, PLEASE take note of it. I want YOU to see and experience the reality of what you’re signing up for when you choose to be on the receiving end of any relationship. Your relationship world will become much more rich when you begin to say “Yes” to your needs and “No” to what others want from you. You will organically be bringing the well intended relationships toward you and be pushing the one’s with selfish intentions away. YAY!
People who are used to us saying “Yes” all the time, will be taken back when we introduce boundaries into the relationship. Some relationships will reconfigure and find a happy medium, while others might dissipate as the relationship could only BE if we deny our needs. (No Thank You.) This truth can be really hard to swallow. Make sure you have the support you need, especially if the relationship in question is a pivotal relationship that has a lot of emotional strings attached. (Like mom or best friend, etc)
The good news is that if you hold your boundaries, your relationships will be better for it. This, in turn, will greatly improve your life as it weeds out people who aren’t there for your best interest and allows you to carry on honoring your badass self. Cheers to that.
Tip # 2 Accept That You’re Going To Miss Out On Some Things
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re consequently saying “Yes” to something else that you might not be able to foresee. For example, have you ever been really bummed out that you couldn’t make the trip or go to the thing and then when the day rolled around some other amazing opportunity popped into your life? Whether you have experienced this or not, please realize that life is full of unexpected goodies if you allow the space and time for the unknown.
When you say “No,” you’re allowing more time and space for organic opportunities and “life itself “to play out without your interception. This is when things can get really interesting.
Tip #3 Learn the Art of Discernment
The tricky part of saying “No” is when you actually really want to say “Yes.” Sometimes, in order to honor your values and what’s significant to you, you will have to say “No.” There will be times, maybe few and far between, where you have a road in front of you with two choices. One choice will compromise your values, morals and what makes you feel good about yourself. The other choice will represent the opportunity for you to continue honoring your best interest, which usually spills over to the best interest of the ones you love. Some opportunities will challenge your character by presenting temptation that will take you off course if you allow it to.
I’m speaking to alluring situations that you might instinctively want to grab onto because they will look shiny, be attractive and filled with temptation. Maybe this means saying “No” to the attractive co-worker because you’re committed to your marriage and want to honor your vows. Maybe this means saying “No” to the adventurous friends trip to Mexico because it falls over your Mom’s birthday and it’s important for you to honor her by showing up on that very day.
Temptation can really challenge the inner moral compass if we’re not straight with our values. However, if you take the time to center, get quiet and truly evaluate what’s important to you in this life, the struggle will not be so intense because of the clarity that you pre established for what’s true for you. Using discernment to make good decisions will help you hold close what really matters. Your discernment and clarity will help you in tricky situations that life will throw at you on a small or large scale.
Tip #4 Literally, How to Say No
If the actual act of having a conversation where you enforce a boundary by saying “No” is your personal hold up, this final tip is for you. What I can say with confidence about anything that’s uncomfortable in this life, is that if you keep facing the discomfort and practicing getting through it, the intimidation factor of anything will lessen over time.
It. Just. Will.
I know that’s hard to believe about a present topic that makes your skin crawl with discomfort, but it’s true. Courage to face the discomfort of anything paired with an action to handle something differently is the formula for change. If you keep practicing saying “No,” it will become more natural and easier for you to do with time. It’s just like learning to ride a bike. It feels like the most awkward thing at first and eventually, if you keep at it, you’ll be able to pop on one without a thought.
Here are some clear ways to verbally say “No” with kindness:
Thank you so much for the invite, but I’m going to have to pass….have a blast!
I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not going to be able to make it….have fun!
There’s one key thing here that I want you to soak in: There’s no need for any wordy explanations here that some of us might feel obligated to give.
Usually that “obligation” to over explain is driven by our guilt and anxiety. (Friends; that’s OUR guilt and anxiety to work through individually and privately. There’s no need to bring that to the other person.) If this is your personal struggle, do your best to refrain from over explaining.
Also, you don’t need to have something else going on or scheduled in order to give yourself permission to say “No” to an invite from another. You could just say “No.” Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that blowing your mind? You can say “No” in order to stay home and read a book or go to a yoga class. You can say “No” because you just feel like it and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t owe someone a long and twisted reason why you can’t come. Again, the instinctual want to over explain to the invitee is usually driven by your guilt and shame of feeling like you “should” go or please that other. No need for any of this friends.
I wanted to keep this short and sweet. If you take away anything from this post, my overall message is that saying “No” represents you honoring and respecting yourself. There’s an art involved in creating your reality with voicing intentional “No’s” and “Yes’s.”Only you have the inner knowing of what’s the right move to take given the opportunity in front of you. Learn to listen to what’s right for you by giving yourself time and space. Learn to trust yourself by making healthy and balanced decisions that honor your self respect.
Keep close to your heart what’s important to you and that will help you navigate the decisions that are constantly coming your way. Remember that saying “No” is incredibly self honoring and reflects the self respect that you hold. Treasure that self respect. It’s the most important thing that you’ve got!
Cheers! Much love friends.
*Image by San Diego based photographer, Ashley WIlliams.
Reality Check (Tips to Center You on the Truth)
One of our biggest set back’s as humans is getting fooled by and caught up in our version of reality (our “story”) vs. actual reality (the “truth.”)
One of the consistent issues that I see with people (yes, I do this too) is how we can get caught up in stories and assumptions about others and our life events that simply aren’t true. We stress out, get emotional, panic and have anxiety about things that, you guessed it, that aren’t true.
It’s like waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and having to slap yourself back into consciousness while convincing yourself that your dream was “just a dream.” It wasn’t real; it was just a nightmare of your fear coming to life.
When we continuously twist facts into stories we begin to confuse what’s real and what’s false. This is so because as our stories catch momentum, they become incredibly believable. As we whirl in the confusion of being unable to decipher facts from stories, we end up responding based on the story of what we believe to be happening vs. what’s really happening.
As you could’ve guessed it, this is where problems arise.
Are you with me? I hope so. Let’s continue.
It’s like getting really fired up about the friend whose late because you’re in your head (your story) about how they "don’t value your time.” (Assumption and potential “false belief”) Come to find out that they were in a car accident on the way to your house, which is why they were late.
The point of the above example is to show how we can be so convinced that we “know” what’s going on in a situation or with a person. I’ve seen clients in tears and at rock bottom emotionally over a situation that simply wasn’t true. It’s important, even when we think we know, to take a step back until we are solid about the facts of any given situation.
Let’s answer these questions:
How do I identify a story?
How do I know what’s true and what’s a made up projection of my fear?
I got you. Here are some tips around how to identify stories from facts.
Stories usually start with:
I think that…..
He/She probably…..
He/she must have……..
I bet that……..
If you take a hot minute to check out the semantics of the above phrases, they all present as assumptions. Becoming more savvy at separating facts from assumptions will help you greatly. Facts are, well facts. There’s no room for a story with facts. They tend to be shorter semantically. They tend to sound less exciting (unless you put story to them.)
However you’re twisting and turning your life events is going to dictate your reality. It’s not so much about what happens to you in your life, it’s more about your response to it.
I understand how that can raise some red flags…”Kim, what do you mean it doesn’t matter what happens? Of course it does!”
Hear me out, friend.
YES, what you do and what happens matters in terms of the fact that it’s going to affect you. Life events can teach you, shape you, push you down or help you grow. Where what happens to you takes you has a lot to do with you and this is the really important piece to focus on here.
Two people can experience the same exact event and one can go down hill and lose their sense of worth, while another person can find a silver lining and evolve into a better person.
This proves that we do have control around how our life events shape us and define us. We’re not victims to our lives, unless we make that so. Although, I know that it can really feeeeeeeeeeel like it sometimes, especially when circumstances are difficult to wrap our heads around. It’s hard not to feel like a victim when life really dishes you a tough serve, which is where the work is.
I know I’ve watched a man lose his wife of 40 plus years, (the love of his life, mind you) grieve, move forward and create another love story for himself. I’ve also watched a woman lose her childhood sweetheart and “that was that” for her in terms of a love life. Similar realities and completely different outcomes.
I’ve see people who have come from amazing families and opportunities that are struggling to find happiness, meaning, purpose, and a desire to keep on going.
I’ve seen people come from abuse, families with little support and validation, which, ironically, happened to be the key ingredient which allowed them to grow and evolve beyond. Of course there are situations that turn out differently, it’s not black and white. My point is that we’re more in control by deciding what to do with our circumstances rather than by what happens to us.
This is good news, but some of us sink in it because it requires us to own our circumstances. Meaning, take responsibility for our own choices and make decisions for our own life. This can be really challenging when we feel stuck. When we feel lost in all the choices.
Haven’t you ever wanted someone to just do it or figure it out for you? I know I have. I’ve noticed that this feeling is most apparent with the more lost, confused and helpless I feel. It’s that “help me!” feeling.
As I’ve said it before and will keep saying it, nobody and nothing from the outside has your answer. When confusion is over taking you, it’s time to get quiet and dig deep within.
To sum this little ditty up, I’m going to remind you to practice focusing on facts. Every time your clever little mind wants to create some interesting, tangled version of the truth, please grab the reins and pull that brain of yours back to the facts of any given situation.
A fact is a fact. It’s simple. It’s clear. It’s often not “wordy.” Living a life where you’re rooted in the truth of what’s occurring around you and to you will help you make better decisions in your life as it allows you to see more clearly.
As always, if you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate you.
Never hesitate to send me a DM on instagram for topic suggestions or just to say hello! My INSTAGRAM
Also, if you haven’t yet, feel free to check out my YOUTUBE channel. I’m working on videos and content that will be helpful for you. Feel free to let me know if there’s a particular issue/topic that you would like to hear more about.
Cheers!
*Above image is by Renata Amazonas, photographer and creator of @honeyandgarden.
6 Signs That Your Disconnected from Your Body, Mind & Spirit
In a world that’s turning so quickly around us, it’s becoming more common to subconsciously disconnect from our mind, body & soul.
What’s the mind, body & soul connection all about?
This connection points to how our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes, combined with our level of awareness, effect our physical and mental functioning. If this connection is lost or imbalanced it’s only a matter of time that issues will present.
My intention with this post is to help you identify symptoms of a mind, body & spirit disconnection while offering tips toward reconnection so you can function with all systems firing to their best ability.
Below, find 6 symptoms of disconnect from the mind, body & soul.
MIND & SPIRIT
1. Inability to connect with and understand your emotional state
In a nutshell, when we’re disconnected from our mind, body & spirit, our ability to feel and name our emotions is compromised. This is a result of being “unrooted” and detached from our emotions. Experiencing symptoms such as fatigue, anxiety or stress without awareness as to why is an example of this disconnection.
I’ve come across clients who’ve told me that they’re “fine,” yet are experiencing debilitating panic attacks and have “no clue why.” There’s a lot going on physically and a lot brewing emotionally by the time an individual is experiencing physical symptoms, such as panic attacks. When there’s a severe disconnection within your emotional space, there tends to be a mismatch between your affect and any given emotional situation. For example, you might find yourself laughing when it would make more sense to cry.
Our body is designed to warn us of danger via our physical and mental health symptoms. *Usually unresolved emotions are the culprit for our disconnect and distressed symptoms. There’s a lot that we can miss when the synergy between body, mind & spirit is out of tune.
2. Making lots of plans without considering your mood, how you feel and what’s already on the agenda.
Over planning and chronic busyness tends to correlate with a disconnected mind/body. When we’re going too fast via over planning, we’re missing the moments to breath, observe, listen to our body and feel our emotions.
This is exactly why some of us go the route of over planning. It’s a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions that we don’t want to look at.
The truth is that avoidance is a bandaid solution. Avoiding anything doesn’t make it go away. Avoidance encourages and allows any matter the space to become bigger, which will eventually manifest negatively in other ways. If you avoid the fact that there’s a fire in the corner of the room, it will eventually take the house down.
3. Putting too much emphasis on performance while shaming yourself if you don’t accomplish what you set out for.
Plans can be enormously helpful to structure our days and get things done. Although, there’s such a thing as “over planning” and that’s what I’m speaking to with this point. What you can’t plan is how your mind and body are going to feel on any particular day. “Pushing” yourself to do “the plan” vs. checking in with how you feel physically and mentally can, overtime, create a disconnect. Bringing in concepts such as flexibility while being open to shifting plans based on how you feel physically and emotionally is a way of taking good care of yourself.
BODY
4. Hyper focus on how you think your body should look vs. accepting your natural set point.
I’ve seen people go to extremes in order to fit a square peg into a round hole when it comes to their physicality. This can look like over exercise, rigid dieting, critical self talk, body dysmorphia, eating disorders and so much more.
Whenever we’re in resistance to “what is,” we’re fighting an upstream battle, my friends. We all know that the journey upstream requires way more effort and energy than going with the natural, downward flow. Finding acceptance around where your body naturally wants to be (it’s set point) is the path toward more inner peace.
5. Following strict diets and self imposed rules around food even when cravings or intuition is communicating something different.
Ignoring our inner intuition conditions our automatic pilot response. Over time this leads to conflict between body & mind. Our bodies are designed to “speak” to us via our physical sensations, symptoms, intuition, cravings, moods and emotions. Strict, inflexible pre planned diets tend to strip us of the connection with our physical intuition by encouraging us to look outward for an answer to an inner question. (*Note: Always be mindful of looking for any of your answers externally.) This continuous act of following a script about what to eat disconnects us further and further from what we personally enjoy and what feels good to our unique bodies.
Questioning, “What do I feel like this morning for breakfast” vs. following a pre planned meal schedule are very different ways to connect with your mind, body & spirit.
*I understand that having structure & guidance around food choices can be helpful and important. The key word here to be mindful of is “strict.” Finding flexibility within any sort of structure enables you to keep your intuition alive and is highly encouraged.
6. A focus on numbers rather than how you feel.
Calorie counting, amount of steps taken, number of calories burned, obsessively logging the minutes or hours exercising, etc. There are so many gadgets and ways to measure a variety of analytics these days. I’m not hating on these gadgets if you use them FOR you and not AGAINST you. If these measures and stats are supporting you in a healthy way, carry on, although keep an eye out for becoming too focused and dependent on “the numbers.”
In the long run, what your whoop or apple watch says vs. listening to your body in order to pay attention to how you feel are very different concepts. Creating a dependency on something other than yourself to tell you how much to push yourself physically can create a questionable dynamic.
I’m all for a device that motivates you, up levels your performance and helps you feel good about your physical activity. I’m not devaluing these devices, rather, I’m pointing toward the importance of keeping your mind / body connection strong by acknowledging your own “stats” via paying attention to how you feel.
Like all things be mindful of balance. In the case of analytics around your health, how you feel and what the stats say should align if all is running smoothly. Bottom line: Your intimate experience of what it feels like to be in your body cannot be replaced by anything. Nada. Nothing…when you’re in tune.
Why does a mind, body & spirit disconnect occur?
For the purpose of answering this question, I’m going to decipher between the “issues” that we face in life as either “root” issues or “surface” issues. It’s common for us humans to find “bandaid solutions” for our life issues when those matters are difficult to face. Our deeply buried “root” issues (the hard emotional circumstances hidden deep) are uncomfortable and, at times, intolerable to face and talk about. So much so, that some of us never face them in a lifetime. Whatever we’re avoiding in life doesn’t go away. It builds silently and becomes heavy weight within our body & soul and chips away at the joy within our lives.
The pressures, perfectionism and critical self talk that keep us so structured and “in control” usually stem from deep rooted unresolved emotions and experiences that we’ve neglected. Overtime, you guessed it, the lack of dealing with our “stuff” causes a disconnect within our mind, body & soul. With that said, there’s so much more to get into with the topic of “root issues” as it’s a vast and so personal to each individual.
*If you feel like you want to dive deeper and face these “root” issues, it could be important to talk to a trusted source or licensed professional to help you through your process. Feel free to contact me for resources, etc. (via email, DM, phone, what have you.)
How do I reconnect with my body, mind & spirit?
Spending energy facing and acknowledging a disconnect is half the battle. Awareness is key, right?
Once we’re aware that something is not properly functioning, that’s the point where we can work toward a shift. Cultivating our awareness to seek out solutions to guide us through our issues begins the reconnection process.
In short, evaluating the behaviors that are not “serving” us while working toward weeding them out of our lifestyle is the first step. As we eliminate habits in our life that we’ve evaluated as “not needed” we then can begin to add in behaviors that are different, new and appear to have potential for our well being.
1. Evaluate what’s not working
2.Stop doing what’s not working
3.Replace what’s not working with a new behavior
This is a mini run down on the “letting go” process that’s essential when looking for positive change. This might mean less late nights and more early mornings for self care. This might mean less over planning and more time for self centering habits. It’s going to be a unique set of habits and behaviors to release and add in according to where you’re at and who you desire to become that will bring change to your life.
If anything, I hope that this post acts as a friendly reminder for you to pay attention to your physical symptoms and emotions. After all, your ability to translate what your symptoms, moods and emotions are saying allows you to strengthen and become more aware of what’s occurring beneath the surface.
Like so many of the topics that I write about, there’s so much more to them beyond a quick blog post. Looking at root issues and letting go of destructive habits is a process that takes time and might need to be supported with a professional.
I want to honor that my therapeutic approach is not for all. If this is the case for you, here’s a link from a post that I wrote about How To Find the “Right” Therapist For You.
Don’t hesitate to reach out with any further questions or comments; They’re always welcome. Cheers.
*Image by Photographer & creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas