Rumination vs. Anxiety (Symptoms, Explanations and Practices to Help)
It could seem as though rumination is just a fancy word for anxiety, yet in the world of mental health, they're closely related, but not the same thing.
This post goes over the differences between rumination and anxiety, so you can better understand what’s happening if you struggle with either of these mental health issues. I also will break down whole body health ways to eliminate these reactions so you can break free from the self imposed prison that these behaviors put us in.
Rumination is when your mind keeps going over the same thoughts on a mental loop that can feel impossible to have control over. The thoughts that we repeat are usually negative ones—like replaying a conversation or worrying about what you should have done.
Anxiety is excessive worry about the future or fear of what might happen. Anxiety can show up very physically via the body with symptoms like a racing heart, tension, or restlessness.
A quick tip to help you decipher between the two is, rumination is more reflective (past-focused), while anxiety is more anticipatory (future-focused). One can build upon another in the sense that people with anxiety tend to ruminate more, and rumination can increase anxious feelings.
2 types of ruminating
Reflective Rumination; evaluating. asking why; trying to figure it out
Brooding; comparison. comparing your situation with an expected, conventional or self imposed standard that you have not achieved.
why do i ruminate?
People start to ruminate for a mix of psychological, emotional, and sometimes biological reasons. In all reality rumination is an unconscious habit, not something people choose. In a nutshell, it’s an ineffective way that we try to manage distress.
#1 False Belief: Some think ruminating will lead to answers or “more control” over a specific situation, even though it rarely does. You think that if you think hard enough and figure out how to “fix it”; you then will find the answer and “solve the problem” leading to resolution.
This is actually where I witness many people grasp for control, manipulate situations to get their way and, ultimately, self destruct.
Here are some common reasons why we ruminate:
Unresolved trauma or conflict: The mind keeps looping, trying to "solve" or make sense of past pain.
Perfectionism: Believing that obsessively reviewing actions or decisions can help to avoid making mistakes.
Low self-esteem: When we don’t feel good about ourselves we carry around a lot of self doubt which can lead us to dwell on perceived inadequacies or failures.
Anxiety or depression: Both of these mental health conditions promote overthinking and worry.
Lack of coping skills: When healthier tools aren’t available, the brain defaults to rumination.
Unmet emotional needs: The mind may revisit painful situations as a way to seek resolution or understanding.
symptoms of rumination:
Persistent overthinking about past events or mistakes
Inability to let go of a specific worry or thought
Replaying conversations or scenarios in your head
Feeling stuck in negative thought cycles
Increased anxiety or sadness as a result of overthinking
Difficulty sleeping due to mental looping
Trouble focusing on the present moment or daily tasks
Seeking reassurance excessively, yet still feeling unsettled
Self-criticism or guilt that feels hard to shake
Physical tension, like headaches or muscle tightness from stress
I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me that have been deeply struggling with anxiety and or rumination all their lives without realizing that this way of being was negative; they just thought it was a normal way to feel and be. They didn’t realize that it was an unhealthy way that they’ve been trying to manage their stress and discomfort. With some education around what healthy vs. unhealthy coping looks like, they were able to acknowledge that the uncontrollable thinking and doom predicting was lowering the quality of their lives and creating a lot of internal suffering.
When we’ve “always” been a certain way we don’t know that anything could or should be different. Our homeostasis is what we consider to be “normal;” for worse or for better.
know thy enemy:
We can’t heal or course correct something that we don’t have awareness around. We can’t heal something that we actively choose to avoid or can’t see the truth of.
Simply said; you can’t fix something that you don’t think is broken. For that reason, here are some common and (sneaky) symptoms that can be due to your anxiety.
Let’s Talk Anxiety
why do i have anxiety?
People develop anxiety for a mix of reasons—biological, psychological, and environmental. Here are some key factors:
Genetics: Anxiety can run in families; some people are more biologically wired to be anxious.
Brain chemistry: Imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA can heighten anxiety.
Childhood experiences: Overly critical environments, trauma, or unpredictability early in life can wire the nervous system for hypervigilance.
Stress overload: Chronic stress (work, relationships, finances) can trigger or worsen anxiety.
Personality traits: Highly sensitive, perfectionistic, or people-pleasing types are more prone to develop anxiety over time.
Learned behavior: Growing up around anxious caregivers can internalize anxious coping patterns.
Lack of safety or control: Situations where people feel powerless or unsupported often spark anxiety.
Medical conditions: Thyroid issues, heart problems, or hormonal shifts can mimic or cause anxiety symptoms.
At its core, anxiety is the body’s alarm system stuck in “high alert” mode.
symptoms of anxiety:
trouble concentrating or making decisions
feeling irritable, tense or restless
experiencing nausea or abdominal distress
having heart palpitations
sweating, trembling or shaking
trouble sleeping
having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
constant worry
“what if” thoughts
lack of concentration
ruminative thoughts
less obvious symptoms of anxiety:
indecision
stagnation in your life
lack of control of your life; life happens to you vs. you making clear choices about your life.
avoidance of situations or people that will trigger your anxiety
Action: the antidote to anxiety
what action does:
it helps you feel in control of what you can be in control of.
it helps you take an active role in your life where you’re engaging in creating your future instead of sitting in stagnation waiting for “it” to happen to you.
it helps you become more present.
whole body health ways toward healing
BODY
massage: helps shift your body out of "fight-or-flight" (sympathetic) mode and into "rest-and-digest" (parasympathetic) mode. This leads to: Lowered heart rate, slower breathing, decreased blood pressure and a sense of calm and safety.
cold exposure: known to reset the nervous system by “shocking” your system into presence, then settling it. Cold exposure can also helps you face and work through discomfort.
exercise: balances brain chemistry, reduces stress hormones, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, interrupts the anxiety thought loop (gets you put of your head), improves sleep, increases your levels of energy and confidence and helps you to emotionally regulate.
breath work: breath work activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest). Slow, deep breathing sends a biological signal to your body: “You are safe.”
*I really like practicing box breathing because it’s so simple. I start by closing my eyes and visualizing making a square in my mind with my breathe then:
Inhale – 4 seconds (Slowly breathe in through your nose, filling your lungs completely.)
Hold – 4 seconds (Pause at the top of your breath. Stay still and relaxed.)
Exhale – 4 seconds (Gently breathe out through your mouth or nose, emptying your lungs fully.)
Hold – 4 seconds (repeat for 2-3 minutes)
MIND
affect labeling: name what you feel by putting your emotions into words. “Name it to tame it.”- Dr. Dan Siegel
ex: "I'm feeling anxious, and that's okay.”
cognitive reframing: helps to challenge and shift negative thoughts.
ex: Ask: “Is this thought helpful or true?”
grounding techniques: helps to anchor your mind in the present, which disrupts anxious thought loops.
practice: 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
thought stopping: interrupts anxiety loops by, literally, stopping the thought.
ex: Say “Stop” (silently or aloud)
mindfulness & meditation: mindfulness trains your brain to observe thoughts without attaching to them.
practice: 5–10 minutes of focused awareness (on breath, sound, or body) can help reduce anxiety.
journaling: write down your worries, thoughts, or a list of what's going right. Mental Health Benefits of Journaling (A Practice To Help You Live More Mindfully)
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
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Have thoughts or reflections?
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*Blog image by visual artist & photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
7 Things to Expect When You’re In A Relationship With A Highly Creative Human
If you’re in a relationship with a creative person, the truth is that you’re dealing with a personality that’s in its own category. Lucky you because this ride with such a personality type will be anything less than boring. Below are some points to hopefully validate your experience or help you to become more understanding of the quirks and ever so intricate mind of your partner.
Their Way of Thinking Is Not Linear. A creative mind is always twisting, turning and driven by fierce curiosity. Don’t be surprised if topics change faster than you can keep up with. Impulsivity is real for these folks. Creatives tend to have rapid fire minds that spider web all over the place. This can be exhausting to be on the other end of, AND, it can also enrich your experience of life because it’s guaranteed to be anything other than stale.
They Need Space to Feed Their Souls and Create. Creativity has a rhythm and flow which requires space. Your artsy partner will have cycles of creation where they show up as less present and inconsistent. They’re doing what they do, which is feeding their artistic side and honoring their creative process. Just as there are four seasons in a year that are fixed, a creative is pulled to respect their unique cyclical flow. This can be difficult to be on the other end of, although being apart of the creation process can have great benefits. Hang in there.
They Don’t Follow The Masses. Creatives form their own narrative. They ask why? They challenge what others unquestionably do because it’s what they were told to do. They question the norm. They possess a natural tendency to challenge the status quo. This leads to a “road less traveled” approach to life, which is a mysterious, exciting and interesting ride. Are you in?
They Feel Through Mediums. Often times a creative has a medium or a variety of mediums that they speak through. This can be photography, painting, furniture design, interior design, writing, drawing, what have you. Knowing what your partners artistic language is can help you better understand their process and inner being.
They Are Forever Young. Creatives tend to be pretty tapped into their inner child. They often see through child like eyes, which has the tendency to keep things lively and fun. They can have excitement that matches any 8 year old around. Keeping up with this energy can be difficult at times, but it will keep things far from boring.
Their Emotions Can Fluctuate Quickly and Drastically. Since creatives tend to feel their emotions deeply, it can lead to some pretty drastic shifts in mood. Their sensitive soul is often the source of both their best creations and deepest of sufferings.
Procrastination Is Often Their Best Friend. Many creatives pride themselves on performing best when under the pressure of a timeline. The output of creative energy that a last minute rush embodies is what a creative often prides himself on. Although, this can be stressful to be on the other end of, it tends to be apart of the developing process for many creatives.
We need creative humans with all their beautiful quirk to keep the world going around and balanced. Although some of these character traits can cause issues and be difficult to be on the receiving end of, finding understanding and a successful way to approach your unique partner can result in a beautiful connection and loving partnership.
Cheers to all my creatives and those who love them.
*Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
5 Perspectives to Help You Deal With Rejection
Rejection is a feeling that’s a challenge for most of us. It’s easy to personalize rejection, which then starts sabotaging our sense of self by opening the door to feelings of self doubt and unworthiness. It’s not pretty…..
It hurts.
It’s uncomfortable.
It’s hard.
Rejection can be so utterly uncomfortable that we do everything in our power to avoid it. This can be unconscious or conscious. The problem with this approach is that in order to avoid being rejected, we have to live pretty small lives.
Even then so, rejection is apart of life and unavoidable. You can’t completely hide from it; It will find you.
The avoidance of rejection guarantees significantly less opportunity and possibility in our lives simply because we’re not putting ourselves out there in the world to experience, be seen or live fully.
However, rejection doesn’t need to be so scary and it’s in the making it so, that we limit our lives. On the flip side, rejection can be a huge teacher, for when things are difficult and challenging is when we have the opportunity to grow the most. Yup, it’s true, from our greatest source of pain is where the possibility for some major growth lies.
The truth is that it’s easy to show up while putting our best foot forward when things are all good.
However, it’s how we act when someone or something is not giving us what we want that reveals the truth of who we are.
With that said, here are 5 perspectives to help you cope when rejection appears in your life.
1. When One Thing Doesn’t Work Out, It’s Only A Matter of Time That Something Else Will. Another door will open in your life and when it does your past rejection might make a lot more sense. Hang in there, your current life situation will become more clear with time. It always tends too.
2. Don’t Make It Personal. I know, I know, how’s it not personal, right? After all someone or something said a big, fat NO. I get it and I still stick with, “Babes, it’s not personal.” You never know what someone else is going through or what the exact details of a situation is. Rather than exhausting yourself mentally by trying to figure it out with false stories and assumptions, practice letting go and reminding yourself that it’s not personal.
As cliche as it is to say, getting rejected is apart of life and it’s not a personal attack. Sticking with this perspective, especially when your mind wants to point to all your self perceived inadequacies, is key to allowing the rejection to process through.
3. Accept That Things Don't Always Work Out The Way You Want Them to and That's Okay. Actually, it’s beyond okay, trust that how a situation is going down in your life is working for you, rather than against you. With that said, it’s important to take your time to feel about the “loss.” Be mad. Be hurt. Be disappointed. When you allow yourself to be real about how you feel your emotions can then pass through and you’ll find yourself moving beyond the rejection with more ease and flow. Just because one thing didn't work out, doesn't mean you're a failure, or that nothing will work out. You missed A boat, not THE boat my friend. There will be a lot more boats of opportunity and possibilities passing through in your life. That’s a for sure.
4. There’s A Lesson to be Learned. Try to Find It. When you can make a painful event a learning opportunity, that reframe will help you in so many ways. For one, it helps to support your growth. When you can learn something about yourself that you then carry along with you as you move forward, you win. Focusing on something else rather than ruminating or looping on the “why” and the disappointment of rejection will serve you greatly. When you soul search to discover the silver lining of any situation, you create the space to break some new ground within your field of personal growth. Look for the personal lessons. Look to where it’s really uncomfortable for you. Look for how it’s challenging you. This is where growth lies.
5. Trust It. I know, easier said than done, however, trusting in something bigger than your logic will serve you greatly in this life. The reality is that many things happen in life that don’t make sense. When we get stuck in trying to understand or figure out certain situations, we will create a lot more suffering than need be. Also, realize that your need to “figure out” the root of any situation is all about control. To say it simply, your discomfort of “not knowing” is pushing you toward searching for an answer so you can feel more in control. The reality is that you cannot control many situations and learning to let go of the compulsion to loop in your mind for “an answer” will free you from so much anxiety and unneeded suffering. When we learn to surrender and find acceptance for how things are, we are rewarded for our ability to let go amongst the uncertainty.
Rejection really has been one of my biggest teachers in life. I’ve worked so hard to avoid it for so long and with facing it dead on, I’ve realized that, although uncomfortable, it’s bearable. Beyond that, the lessons that rejection has brought to my door have pushed me to grow in ways that have benefited me greatly. Use your pain to grow. I say this with knowing how challenging that can be. Although, when you muster up the strength to gear up and go toward the discomfort, pain and unknown, life will acknowledge your brave spirit. I don’t know how or when, but trust that this is so. For what you believe in is what creates your experience.
You got this friends. Keep going forward. Trust life. Do your best to face the challenges, including the rejections that will continue to appear if you’re living large. Experiencing rejection is a clue that your putting yourself out there and living a full life.
* Healing Crystals for Rejection: Peridot, Rose Quartz
*Above image is by lifestyle & wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer
8 Ways of Coping to Relieve Anxiety
GET IN NATURE, BABY!
Breath fresh air. Sit in the salty sea. Listen to the sounds of natural elements. Do what you need to do to get in nature and feel, hear, see and experience the natural healing that will occur when you do.
DITCH YOUR TIMELINE
Trust that life and all the events that you desire are on there way and will come to you when they’re meant too. When we dismiss the idea that there is divine timing at play in life, we tend to freak out and push and pull toward what we believe should be happening. Trust in life’s direction and you will start feeling less anxiety as you allow life to direct you without your resistance.
STOP OVERWHELMING YOURSELF WITH SHOULDS & WHAT IF’S
If it should happen, trust that it will. If it does happen, trust that there’s lessons for you to learn. Catch yourself from going down the rabbit hole of the what if’s & shoulds of life.
BE PRESENT
Be where you’re at. Your life is this moment, right now. Getting too far ahead with planning or too far behind with dwelling and ruminating about past events, you will completely lose the beauty of the now. Stay present friends.
GET CONNECTED TO YOUR BODY
Move that beautiful body of yours. Get your blood pumping and allow your endorphins to release. You will feel better for it. It’s a sure thing.
GO SLOWER
When in doubt, slow down. This life is so busy these days, more so than ever with the over abundance of demands and electronics always at our finger tips. Take fasting days from social media. Close down the lap top and learn to slow your mind. Make less plans, do less and see how you feel.
EVALUATE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
Who you spend your time with is who you’ll become more alike. Choose your company wisely because the power of influence is a real thing.
TIDY HOME; TIDY MIND
If you haven’t noticed, there’s a huge correlation between your internal space (your mind space) and your external space (the space in which you dwell.) If you’re having trouble keeping your mind from racing, try cleaning up and organizing the external space around you. It’s a great place to start the clean up.
As always, I’m hoping that these quick tips help you to get out of your head and into your life. Cheers.
*Above Image is by San Diego based wedding & lifestyle photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Let Go and Move On
A common way that we can get stuck in our lives is by investing in the illusion that the past “should’ve or could’ve” been different. Any time that we’re resisting what IS, we will feel stuck on some level. Although it can be difficult to do, chances are that you will find clarity and an unfolding of an answer by letting go.
Letting go of trying so hard. Letting go of the negative stories that are racing around and around in your head. Letting go of what you can’t control.
Just. Let. Go.
There may be many different stories, beliefs and ways of seeing things for you to let go of. In that case, a great place to start is with allowing the past to be exactly as it was; for worse or for better. Life will present us with all kinds of contrast, therefore if we continue to believe that circumstances “should of” and “could of” been different, we will be chronically stuck.
Let go of the illusion that life could have been any different. To free yourself from the past, believe that everything is happening in divine order. The past was and the present is as it should be.
Freedom and peace will come when we allow everything that has happened to just BE. Where we can focus our energy is on what we can create as the journey ahead of us unfolds. By taking inspired action and focusing on what we can do, little by little we will be led toward shift and change.
Cheers today to letting go. Sending good vibes your way as you move forward and create the change and shift you desire by letting go.
*Image above by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson
How to Discover Your Purpose
With 2018 coming to a close and a new year to come, it never hurts to think about what you desire in the new and how to spread your unique gift out in the world. Yes, you have one, we all do. Don’t doubt it.
So, why are we here?
What’s the purpose? What’s your purpose?
What are you here to do?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I did appreciate the below statement that speaks to them.
“We are here to help people. We are here to learn how to grow in wisdom. We are here to heal ourselves and others. We are here to help birth peace in the world. We are here to love and be loved. We are here to radiate kindness…..or hope…or happiness.”
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Each of us will deliver our gifts and experience this life differently. We each play a unique role and spread our purpose or “calling” to this world in our own individual way.
Sometimes the roles we play via the job title we hold is in alignment with the greater mission we have for this life, and sometimes it isn’t. This calling or purpose isn’t always reflected in what your work for monetary purposes is. For some of us our career path and soul calling merges and for others of us it shows up as two different things. Either works.
I will go a step further and say that if you can tap into your true authenticity and bring it to your current daily role, whatever it may be, you will find your way to your bigger purpose. I believe that consistently revealing your authenticity will carve the pathway to your bigger purpose. This bigger purpose or “soul calling” isn’t necessarily fancy. I think many of us get caught in thinking that it needs to be, which it does not. It just has to be rooted in truth and, most importantly, your truth.
For some of us this soul calling might bring us grand attention and for others of us this calling may not be so obvious to others. It actually doesn't matter. What matters is that you’re doing what feels true to you, regardless of what the image of your role reflects to the outer world. What matters is how you feel in the role you’re playing and being.
How can we tap into our calling?
“Discovering our soul’s purpose is rarely an event, although epiphanies do happen. More often than not, it’s a process that requires patience and perseverance. In order to discover it, you’ll want to pay attention to what stirs your passion, lights you up, and just comes naturally. When you are living inside your souls purpose, you are often in flow. You’re not that concerned about how much money you are, or are not, making. You feel alive, useful, of service and a part of all that is.”
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
What’s that thing that you do where time stops and you get lost in the moment of engagement? What’s that thing that you always think about doing, but seem to find a reason why you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” do it now?
Friends……that’s exactly where you should look.
Begin this journey of finding your souls calling by following and engaging in the things that make you feel uncomfortable. That thing that you can’t figure out or imagine, yet desire. I suppose I’m encouraging you to go toward The Dream, your dream.
What’s your dream? What do you want? What are you drawn toward?
Begin by looking deeper into these questions. Begin by seeking your own answers to these questions.
Take notice of what you talk about doing and evaluate if it matches what you’re actually doing.
When we’re operating in alignment with our truth and bigger calling, what we say we’re going to do and what we actually do are congruent, meaning it’s in alignment. We all know the talker that “some day” will do “all the things.” We might also know the person who talks and, soon enough, does what they say.
We trust the person whose words matches their actions.
When it all comes down to it, it’s just a clear decision that deciphers these two ways of living in the world. It’s a choice to live in a way where you do what you say.
We hear this all the time: Go toward what scares you. Go toward your fear. The true adventurer and seeker is the person that actually goes toward the fear. Limitless possibilities will appear for the person who is willing to tolerate the discomfort that it takes to go beyond fear. Even if you make it beyond the fear, there’s still timing at play. Good things can take time. Things don’t always look as we expect them too. ( Isn’t this the truth.) Yet, being brave enough to push fear aside and continue on will reward you; I just can’t tell you when or how.
“Each one of us enters this world called to fulfill a particular destiny. For many of us, this calling lies just beyond our conscious awareness, and often, beckons us with a sense of restlessness and dissatisfaction.”
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Your true calling can only be ignored for so long. Eventually the resistance of acknowledging it’s presence will become too loud and uncomfortable to ignore. As much as this can be a frustrating experience, your emotions are present to push you toward the role you’re here to play and BE.
Allow the discomfort to push you and trust that life is happening in your favor, even though it might not look or feel like it at times.
Cheers to a new year coming…….
*Blog image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson
How to Forgive Yourself & Others
In order to become more peaceful within, it's essential to learn how to forgive. Some of us may not struggle with forgiveness and some of us may. Regardless of where you stand with the concept of forgiveness, ultimately everything is interconnected. When we learn how to forgive ourselves we, simultaneously, learn how to forgive others. How we treat ourself will always be reflected by how we treat others.
Forgiveness is an act of surrender. It's letting go of any blame or regret around past mistakes, large or small. It's releasing any shame around actions of the past. It's practicing acceptance of past choices, while believing that you did your best given the time of life and situation at hand. Period. It's acceptance of where you’re at in your life currently, whether it’s what you envisioned for this time or not.
Life rarely turns out how we expect it too. That's what keeps it interesting.
So often in life, the biggest battle we face is with our own self. Finding inner peace asks us to find acceptance of who we are at the core. Forgiving ourself requires us to accept that we are imperfect. Accepting imperfection allows us to make mistakes along the way without feeling shame. The path toward this acceptance comes with realizing that mistakes are gateways toward learning personal lessons. A mistake is like a compass......gently guiding you along. Trust that.
For the record, truly living requires risk and going outside your comfort zone in order to grow. The truth is that you should and will continue to make mistakes if your really living, learning and growing. It's human. Mistakes can help you learn what's ultimately right for you. Without mistakes or risks, life can become still and dull. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty, tie your hair back and take a step toward something unknown, especially when you can't possibly predict the outcome.
That's where the biggest rewards often live. In the complete unknown.
Self forgiveness can be tricky. Finding forgiveness for ourselves is often more difficult than forgiving others. Ironically, as I said earlier, how you treat yourself is always reflected in how you treat others. This will always be. For example, if you’re not forgiving of your own mistakes, it will be a challenge for you to forgive others. Non forgiveness is a habit that carries onto everything.
Much of what drives our want for others to forgive and acknowledge us, is our inner desire to forgive ourself.
For the record, you don’t need another’s permission or validation to be worthy and deserving of forgiveness. The truth is that you will become stuck by holding onto past resentments, hurts and living in regret. Living in regret is a really miserable place to live and pointless. Figuring out how to let go, surrender the past and ultimately forgive yourself for any human mistakes you've made along the way is essential for your happiness.
“Sometimes it’s harder to forgive yourself than to get somebody else to do it.”
If you’re struggling with the concept of forgiveness. First and foremost, I point you toward looking at the relationship with your own self. My guess is that, if you're chronically “hard” on yourself, you're more likely to be hard on others. If you struggle with forgiving yourself for past actions and mistakes, you're also more likely to judge others just as harshly. This creates a lot of unneeded struggle.
With that being said, the gateway to untangle this destructive pattern is to work toward accepting the past and where it has led you as of right now, in this moment. No judgement. No story attached to your current reality of how it "should" look differently. As you practice non judgement and acceptance you will be able to find more peace with the past and your current life situation. Believing that everything has been and will continue to be presented to you in order for you to learn is a perspective that can help you find acceptance.
Easier said than done, I know. Although, learning how to be more gentle with yourself will organically untangle all the fixed and rigid emotions that create the harsh cycle of non forgiveness.
Here are some quick tips to remember around forgiveness:
Accept that you will make mistakes; Mistakes can help you to learn more about what you do and don’t want.
Accept that life is a journey that is constantly shifting and changing; Get out of your own way by accepting where you are. Practice believing that you're right where you should be. Resisting this idea will just bring suffering.
Accept that “your best” effort might shift with the days, cycles and time periods of your life; Realize that you cannot always be on your “A game,” nor is it human to always show up 100%.
Accept the imperfection that is human. Shift away from looking at things from a "right" and "wrong" standpoint. That tends to breed blame and points fingers.
Forgiving yourself will improve your life. Forgiving both yourself and others will release unnecessary suffering and pain that you're holding onto. It’s worth it to take a look at your relationship with forgiveness. It can be a huge game changer to shift your relationship with this concept.
* Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.
"The Right" Kind of Love (Why It Might Not Look How You Thought It Would)
Why, so often, are we surprised or shocked when love shows up? Why doesn't love look the way we think it should? Why can we sometimes "miss it" when love is knocking on our door?
The topic of love and relationships is so vast. I CAN’T EVEN begin to explain. Yet, piece by piece, day by day, experience by experience and relationship by relationship the pieces will be revealed.
Here are some words to contemplate around the topic of love:
"If you are operating under the assumption that who you are before the surgery, underneath the hair dye, and without the makeup is unacceptable, then you may find yourself driven to find a mate with all of the "perfect" criteria (the "right job," "right look," from the "right family") as a way to compensate for what you consider to be your own inadequacies. You may find someone who has all of those external qualities and think, for a while anyway, that you have found love. But, sooner or later, these relationships tend to reveal themselves to be somewhat empty and soulless. The kind of love that we are looking for rarely comes from this way of seeking. There is no heart in it and soul connections are always revealed in the heart. That's why love doesn't always look the way you might think it should. Just like you, yourself, may not look the way you think you should."
....................For when we take a lover to our bed, it's all about opening ourselves totally and completely to the experience of being loved and adored for exactly who we are, and exactly who we are not, as well as being willing to extend this sweet state of grace to another."
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Accepting ourselves, warts and all, will effect our urge to mask certain aspects of ourselves that we deem not good enough. F that! Life is too short to be walking around, aimlessly, trying to cover everything up. The irony is, the more truth you show about yourself, the more of an authentic and truthful love connection you can make. I know this to be true based on my own experience of love and by onlooking the relationships in my life that I value. The odds of finding a soul connection will increase when the inner need to hide self proclaimed "faults" quiet.
Own who you are. All of it. Doing so will lead you to the right relationships and soul connections. Period, The End.
and....Much Love.
* Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Photographer.
Being Vulnerable: Why It's Worth It (No Matter What)
When you love; Why not love hard?
Given it’s a healthy environment (meaning person) to do that with; why not?
When you hold back, when you half love, when you don’t go all in, when you don’t fully expose your heart, you’re actually doing yourself a huge disservice.
Here’s why................
When you don’t give something your all, specifically when it comes to love, you don’t see what you need to see. You don’t see the full truth because how you show up will always mirror your experience. Meaning what you put in is what you'll get back. Commitment attracts commitment. You only see the full picture when you expose yourself to the full picture by making the choice to fully love and commit.
You get what you give in life.
Going "all in" requires commitment and vulnerability. These can be intimidating concepts, especially for those of us who struggle with a fear of commitment.
(*How do you know if you fear commitment? Check out the article I've linked. Usually, If you have a pretty solid pattern of dating or partnering with unavailable people, this is an aspect of your life to examine further.)
We don't always get what we want. Things will not always go how we think they should nor how we want them to go in relationships. We don't always know what's best for us, even when we think we do. This can be really hard to swallow. Sometimes we don’t want to accept the truth, which leads us toward resistance and feeling stuck. Anytime we're rejecting what is, we will face resistance.
“Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment to it. We want to know that it’s a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.”
When you go into a relationship with an open heart and mind something really important happens…..
You see the truth of the matter. You see the truth about the object of your affection. The real, unfiltered truth. When you show up fully, it’s easier and more apparent to spot someone whose not a true fit for you, or, who is simply, not revealing their truth.
One of the biggest learning experiences of my life, thus far, came from being involved in an "on and off again" relationship that started in my late teens and continued into my mid twenties. Now, with over a decade of perspective, I can say that one of the major reasons why it was on and off, on my end, was due to my inability to be all in and fully commit. I say that with no self blame, it’s just where I was at during that point in my life. Of course there were times of “all in,” I was in love with this man, although even 90% IN leaves openings for small cracks to become bigger and truth to corrode. When 100% trust and commitment is missing there's way more room for misunderstanding and a lack of communication and safety in a partnership.
Things become very blurred when you don’t go all in. Things get lost in translation because there's a lack of solid foundation to jump from. From my experience, cracks became gaps, which lead to distance. Distance led to blurred actions and unclear perceptions, which eventually led to a broken partnership. Even if only in my heart, I was fuzzy. Fuzzy and blurry will attract fuzzy and blurry......and it did. I will own that.
So, when you love, do your best to put it all out on the table because as you do, you will be able to make better decisions around who you're giving your heart too. When you give off clarity, you will get back clarity. When things are clear and transparent you see what you need to see in order to make healthy choices about your love life.
.......love hard.
* The above image was taken by good friend and photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
A Therapist’s Thoughts on Love, Friendship & Career
I love hearing about the lessons and ways of thinking that people arrive at based on their experiences in life. I’m always drawn toward articles, books and interviews where people discuss and are asked about “advice to their younger self.” We all hold so much knowledge based on the experiences and life passages that we have already gone through. Today I’m going to touch upon some feedback that I have, at this point of my life, around the topics of love, friendship & career. These topics are super vast, so I’ve done my best to keep this short and concise, yet raw and truthful.
Here it goes:
What advice would you give to your younger self about LOVE?
If you're unavailable, you will attract unavailable. Period, the end. Man, I know this one.
Be the partner you want to attract. If you want someone athletic, make sure you get out there and get your sweat on. If you want a go getter, make sure you're going after what you want in your own life. If you want someone who loves to adventure, yup, you guessed it, make sure you're down to explore and are open minded to new things. Bottom line, make sure you possess and are actively partaking or working toward what you’re saying you want in a relationship. Like attracts like. Become what you want and it will show up.
Surround yourself with a partner that builds you up, respects you and one whom you feel really good about yourself around. How you feel about yourself when you’re in the presence of another is a huge piece of information. Pay attention.
It’s so cliche, but trust your gut, your inner knowing, the feeling that’s a constant under tone about the relationship that your choosing to be in. Whatever your gut is saying is the truth.
Make sure that, for the most part, your partner’s actions and words match up. If they don’t you have reason to not fully trust them. I know that I trust the relationships in my life that are consistent and reliable. Mean what you say: Say what you mean. Especially within the little things. The little things are a reflection of the bigger things. That’s how trust is built and protected. Be and seek people whose word matches their actions.
Letting go is hard and sometimes the answer. Not all relationships are meant to be forever, even when you want them to be. This is a tough one.
What advice would you give to your younger self about FRIENDSHIPS?
Good friends will tell you the truth in a respectful way. I’ve had some moments in my life that stand out to me where I’ve posed a really difficult question about my life situation to a friend and they’ve looked me dead in the eye and told me the truth, not what I wanted to hear. These can be and are often two very different things. I love the friendships in my life that I know will always say it to me straight. Cheers to honesty with respect and good intentions. Bottom line: Solid friendships are built around authenticity and honesty, even when it might be hard to hear.
Be the friend you want to attract. (Similar to the partner you want to attract.) Learn to possess and BE what you appreciate in another.
Good friends warm your heart and want the best for you. A true friend doesn’t try to “one up” you or compete with you. They just don’t.
If you can’t be yourself in a friendship, what’s the point? Seriously.
Solid friends are solid people. I’m really protective of who I bring into my world because friendships can influence and encourage us to grow or they can block our light. I have a no tolerance policy for low vibe, light blockers. Nor should you. I’m going to go out on a limb by saying that one of the best things I’ve created in my life is my circle of solid, honest, trustworthy and dependable friends. My friends have been and continue to be my largest support system.
What advice would you give to your younger self about CAREER?
Pick a career that matches who you really are vs. who you want to be. Make sure you pick a career that matches your authentic self rather than who you wish you were. Meaning, be careful of getting swept up in an image or coolness factor of a career path. Be true and honest with yourself.
I know your parents love you, but do what you feel called to do, not what they want you to do. Pick a career that calls you. This might be different than the direction that others want you to go into for a multitude of reasons: family business, financial, comfort level, etc. I know that my parents don't really identify with my choice to become a small business owner. They both took a more structured career path. Regardless, I'm glad that I followed what felt true for me. In the long term, the chance of your success is higher if you follow your truth. Your the one who has to live with the reality of your own life.
It might take longer than you want to discover and thrive in your chosen field. Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end if you select a career that’s a true fit for who you are. I remember being in my late 20’s/early 30’s questioning what path I took. Starting my own business was unpredictable. There were days where I doubted where I was going and what I was doing, while other friends of mine were making "good money" and in solid careers. Now, approaching 40, (which I have so much more to say about; coming soon) I’m just starting to see the “fruits of my labor.” I’ve always believed that good, solid things, whether it be relationships, careers or self growth take time. In this fast world, I find myself grounding in the virtue of patience. There are just some things you can’t and should not speed up. I feel this to be true for the area of career.
I would love to open up more of a dialogue around these topics. We’re all teachers based on where we’re at in life and what our journey has taught us thus far. I’m planning on using some of my own personal relationships to further explore these questions and topics. Stay tuned and feel free to share what you've learned.
* The above image was taken by my good friend and photographer, Renata Amazonas.
Words to Allow Your Life to Unfold (With Less Stress)
So often, we get hung up on “how” things, experiences and circumstances are going to unfold in our lives. Getting caught in the “how” something is going to evolve is what can lead us to shut down and avoid going further with an idea. After all, it’s overwhelming to know that you want something and, at the same time, have no clue how to attain it.
When the way is not paved, it can be really intimidating. Generally speaking, us humans like to know what lies ahead. When we don’t, we can become very nervous, scared and anxious about “what’s next.” When we spend more time stressing about not knowing, paired with creating negative predictions about what we think will be, we are definitely going in an anxiety provoking direction. Anxiety and fear about our life blocks us from taking positive action toward creating our dreams.
This is suffering more than need be.
The truth is that you’re not supposed to know the exact step by step process of how your wants, desires and dreams are going to evolve and come into your life. It’s common to have no clue where to start when a dream is just a mere thought. When you can trust the fact that you're not supposed to know and believe that your work is to stay open and follow your natural instincts and curiosities, the pressure to figure it all out will subside.
The reality is that, dreams are not linear.
What does this mean?
This means that how a dream and life unfolds is a very magical process. It’s art. It’s not to be controlled or sequential. It’s not to be scripted. A dream usually evolves in a way better than you could imagine. When you can wrap your head around this, believe it and allow it to lead, you will feel less fear and discomfort around not knowing how things are going to pan out.
Some things do require a specific step by step process, although, dreams do not.
Committing to the perspective that the unknown of the “how” is a good and interesting part of life is key toward reducing your fear about the future. Realize that when you take away the components of excitement and adventure that come with the unknown, you take away a piece of life that keeps us curious, growing and interested.
So, how are we supposed to tolerate not knowing the how?
With acceptance and understanding that we’re not supposed to know how our dreams, desires and goals are going to unfold, we can experience more peace. Our work is to tolerate the nervous discomfort of the unknown, (until we become more comfortable with it) allow ourself to be led by our curiosity and do our best to believe that things will work out.
When you learn to switch your perspective and begin to believe that the unknown road ahead can be seen as exciting and filled with possibilities, instead of scary and dangerous, life has the potential to get really interesting.
So often in life things don’t unfold in the way you believe that they will or should. This is why life is an adventure. Instead of using this knowledge to freak you out, use it to empower you toward trusting in something bigger. Trust in life. Start believing that life has your back.
It truly does…..
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Photographer.
Owning Your Creativity (3 Ways to Tap In)
YOU ARE a creative being, whether you believe that or not.
It always blows me away when I hear the statement, “I’m not creative.”
It always makes me think: Why do so many people reject and disown their creativity? How is a human being not creative?
I get it, we’re all wired differently, and some of us are not working with our hands, painting masterpieces or dress super hipster. Although, aren’t there several different ways and paths to unleash creativity? Doesn’t creativity come in many different packages?
I think there are and I think it does.
Just because you aren’t choosing to spend your career or time investing in your creativity, doesn’t mean that you lack the creative gene.
I believe that creativity comes with the package labeled human being; In other words, apart of being human is being creative. The time, focus, energy and how much of a priority that you make to invest in your creativity is what can allow it to blossom. There are so many ways to express your own individual creativity. Don’t get caught in the story that you need to work in a creative field, grind out creative product on the regular, or invent your own brand in order to be considered creative.
You are creative. Again, It’s more a matter of whether you’ve invested the time and energy to tap into your unique creativity or not.
If you’re feeling that you would like to awaken your creativity, here are 3 ideas to get your juices flowing:
1. Play ; Please still play.
Just recently I was watching my little cousin have an imagined sword fight against some dude in Starwars in his front yard. It was amazing. The sound effects alone made me smile from ear to ear. He was in his own creative zone, 100%.
What happens so often, is that we get older, more “busy” and sucked into the “adult world.” Blah. Don’t get me wrong, the adult world doesn’t need to be blah, but in order to avoid feeling bored and unfulfilled, we are responsible for bringing more fun and play into our lives.
In order to bring more excitement into your world, tap into what play means for you. Get back in tune with the childhood you by looking through old pictures of yourself to remind the adult you what your interests were. Just for experimentation purposes, go there. Meaning, watch your favorite flick from the old school days, play nintendo, go ice skating, ride a bike, eat cotton candy, make a ginger bread house, eat gummy worms; Do something that taps you back into your playful childlike self.
2. Invent a New Story
Please stop telling yourself that you’re not creative. In order to allow your creativity to come out of hiding, you must create a new story. Even if you’ve convinced yourself that, really, you’re not creative, make the small choice to stop yourself from screaming it in conviction from the mountain top. Allow the thought to come up and pass without consistently reinforcing that it's true. When the thought pops up, acknowledge it and let it go. The words you speak about yourself are very powerful, so be mindful of what you put out there.
As you practice this, begin to explore what the real facts about you are. You can uncover these facts by answering some questions.
For instance:
Is it true that you have never had a good idea?
Is it true that you have never done anything in your whole entire lifetime that wasn’t kind of interesting or cool?
I’m going to go out on a limp here and pretty much guarantee, that if your alive and human, you've had countless cool ideas and interesting thoughts. Start telling yourself that story. That’s the truth. Find a new story and a new truth to believe in about your creativity that serves you. A more truthful and factual story can be; “I haven’t been taking the time to be creative” or “It’s not a priority for me to invest in my creativity” rather than “I’m so not a creative person.” Whether these statements are true for you or not, they are examples of more factual statements vs. judgements about your creative abilities.
3. Rediscover Your Inner Peter Pan
My intention with encouraging you to tap into your inner Peter Pan is for you to reconnect with your childlike self. I’m encouraging you to look at what it would mean for you to reconnect to the fun, imaginative and magical side of you. What would it mean for you to believe, get involved, let go, loosen up and get lost in a story?
Lets take a moment to reflect back to the world that was filled with Easter Bunnies, Leprechauns walking on rainbows toward pots of gold, fairy Godmothers granting wishes and friendly elves making us presents all year long in the North Pole. Point being; Life was magical when we were young. All sorts of rad little people existed in our hearts and minds.
When we were young, our creativity and imaginations were supported strongly by the world. Then, one particular day, or, perhaps over time, things changed and it was “time to be an adult.” Whatever that means. How about the contrast of being a responsible adult, who is doing kick ass things? A person with a solid balance between responsibility and play.
I’m convinced that life is much more enjoyable when we regularly tap into our playful and fun side. If you don’t even know where to begin with reintroducing this side of yourself, put yourself around kids. They’re awesome teachers by showing us how to reconnect with creativity and imagination because they believe. Before the world exposed us to some difficult realities, it was easier for us to believe. Do your best to find your unique balance of fun and play paired with managing your adult responsibilities. This balance exists. It’s just a matter of rediscovering it.
Enjoy the process of bringing back some magic to your world. Put back on those rose colored glasses to an extent, so you can see that there is some magic in this world. I’m not urging you to go back to believing that Santa is real, but allow yourself to get lost in the excitement and fun of believing, imagination and creativity. Why not?
* The above image was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego Photographer.