Unpacking Overachievement (Perspectives to Help You Find Balance)
What’s your relationship with achievement? Do you allow your achievements to define your sense of self? Where is most of your energy going? To achieve (driven by the external) or to create (driven by the internal)?
Why does it matter and what’s the difference, right? Lets get into it…..
At first glance you might put these two terms in the same category; they both center around the concept of doing. They might seem one in the same, however the intention behind creating vs. achieving is very different.
They both have their benefits given that they’re used in a balanced and intentional way.
A different intention creates a different result. A result that is born from true, authentic intention will always bring more betterment for all involved.
Creating is guided by the inward makings of who you are, while achieving is driven by the external world. Meaning that, what we are told, what we have to do to get what we want or unconsciously think we should do, is what’s leading when it comes to achieving.
Lets dive into differentiating these two terms and see if clarifying them can help you design a life based on your own truth & terms and from the unique foundation of who you are vs. who you are told or taught to be by others.
TO CREATE
Create: to put into existence; to cause something to happen as a result of one’s actions.
We. Are. Creative. Beings. There’s a freedom in this statement as creativity has no box (unless our man made instincts put one on it.) Creativity comes in all forms, sizes, mediums and expressions. Your way of creating is your unique expression to define.
When I speak of creativity, I’m talking about aspects beyond art. I clarify this because I’ve come across many whom believe that creativity is a word only for the “artists” & “creatives” of the world. (Remember; However you define yourself to be is true, be mindful of how you self identify.)
If you deem that you’re a creative, you will be way more likely to create. On the other hand, having the limiting belief that you are not creative is how you detached from the creative aspects of yourself.
*Tip: Be mindful of putting a creative limit on yourself. Let me remind you that you are creative. We all are. What is required is for you to decode how your unique creativity is to be unleashed. Begin rediscovering how your creativity is expressed by reconnecting to the belief that you are a creative person.
Your creativity is expressed within every choice you make. (Whether you acknowledge this or not.) How you organize your day and what you fill it with is a creative act. Where you choose to live, how you choose to live, what you decide is high priority, the way you think, the way you spend your days and the people you choose to fill them with are all creative choices.
These choices create what is your life. These choices directly align with how you feel. Overtime these continuous micro choices that make up your days make up the essence and energy of your overall life.
As we’ve all heard; You are the creator of your own life. Truly owning this fact is where our outward lives can shift and change in a way that’s aligned with who we are internally.
Creating is very personal. Creating is an inward art. Your creative process is something to protect, practice and hold true to you. It’s your sacred work.
It’s very different than achieving.
TO ACHIEVE
Achieve: to succeed in something, to gain, to obtain, as a result of exertion; to succeed in gaining, to win.
With achieving being outwardly based, the energy behind it tends to be “louder” because it’s less personal and more defined by our society. This is not good or bad; it just is. This is not my attempt to point you toward creating vs. achieving. There’s a time and place for both. They are both needed and productive in their own right.
The key is being able to decipher where the balance point lives within each concept. That has to do with you; What you want. What you desire. What you need to achieve to get to what you want & when to realize that it’s time to listen to your inward callings and create.
Q: Is it time to achieve or create?
Here’s a personal example for you: There was a time in my life where my “achieving” was necessary in order to create the business I have now. My writings, my words, the way I work with my clients, I can confidently say is a creative act. However, I “needed” the degree (achievement) and required amount of training hours & internships to be considered a “licensed therapist” (achievement) to be here now; Creating.
It takes intention and discernment to keep the act of achieving healthy since it’s more aligned with external accolades and outside acknowledgment & validation.
One negative habit I see continually in my work with client’s is the mistake of attaching self worth to achievement. This alignment between being “good enough” and what we deem we need to achieve to be “good enough” is what I recommend that you keep your eye on.
It can be sneaky to detect if you’ve tangled the two up. Knotting these two concepts up is more likely to happen if you were raised in an environment where you were overly praised for doing and achieving; Basically, where there was a lot of emphasis put on what you can (and should) do vs who you are. (Note: This is something to further unpack if you feel that there was a dynamic in your upbringing where you felt only truly acknowledged when you where outwardly achieving.)
Achieving becomes dangerous when it becomes a NEED to validate your self worth vs. a healthy accomplishment.
For Clarity: (*It does feel good to meet a goal and achieve something you have worked hard for; That’s healthy. What’s unhealthy is when your sole purpose of doing and achieving is to mask the fact that you have no self worth unless you are constantly doing, gaining, getting; Achieving.)
When your goals of what you want to achieve begin to drain and exhaust you, it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate the Why behind what you’re doing something for.
Here are some good questions to reflect on to help you evaluate your WHY:
Am I doing this for me or for how I believe I will be received by the outside world if I achieve this goal?
Where is the energy of this desire of mine coming from? My heart (my essence) or my head (my logic)?
Is my desire to accomplish this coming from something true within or from who I think I should, want or was told to be?
Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with achieving and accomplishing. It’s only unhealthy when it’s out of balance. Achieving is very beneficial when it gets you to where you want to go. The key is to achieve for reasons that are driven by a healthy part of you; not an unhealed aspect of yourself.
In order to keep our relationship with anything healthy, we are required to have balance. To keep your desire for achieving in balance; It’s important to stay intentional about where your need to achieve is coming from.
Keep these 3 points in mind in order to keep your relationship with achieving healthy:
1. Be mindful of maintaining a healthy level of self worth regardless of your achievements.
2. Be aware of believing that checking more boxes in life leads to more happiness or success.
3. Generally, be aware of the meaning you put to the things that you go after in your life. Ex; “I’ll be better when I get (fill in the blank)”
Sometimes when we get so swept up by the endorphins and positive external feedback that we receive from achieving, we become addicted to doing more and more. We can confuse achieving with evolving. When this becomes our way of thinking and functioning, we’ve created a system that never allows us to stop checking the boxes, because if we do, our level of self worth will plummet.
It could be really eye opening to do some work around your specific relationship with what the driving force is behind your need/desire to achieve.
The bottom line is that knowing your self worth comes from within. No amount of degrees, medals, or big, bold letters after your name will make you feel good enough permanently. (Although, it can temporarily.) Truly valuing who you are and honing aspects of self love, self respect and being intentional about what it is that gives you a sense of purpose is where inner peace lies. Ultimately, being able to feel happy with yourself no matter what or who is acknowledging you is a healthy and centered place to be.
Living a lifestyle based on creativity allows for inspired action, which I see as the “true artist” mentality. It’s creating for the sake of creating because you’re being called forth to put something out into the world. This inspired call comes from a very depthful place within.
Living a lifestyle solely based around achieving will keep you very connected to what others’s outside of you are doing, which leads to comparison. A heavy achievement based focus can confuse your relationship with your self worth by placing too much validation on external accomplishments vs. who you are.
Too much emphasis on your inner creative workings can make you overly inward and isolative. Ultimately, the key is balance. It’s knowing when to put the gas on creating and the brakes on achieving and vice versa. It’s also simply knowing when to BE. Meaning to BE in a state of neither.
No external factor will give you life long happiness. Like I mentioned earlier; that can only come from within. We know this; it’s just a matter of reminding ourselves from time to time.
Thanks for reading. I hope this has gifted you with some clarity or food for thought to help you reflect.
*Above image is by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
5 Steps Toward Creating a Happy Life
Some of us do the consistent actions and habits that promote our health and happiness with ease. Meaning, it’s natural for us to make self honoring choices, say “No” to others without guilt and carry on doing the things that allow us to grow.
Others of us have become disconnected from what’s really important, which makes it difficult to know what decisions are in our best interest. The more we make choices that go against what our heart wants, the more disconnected we become from our truth.
In a nutshell, we’re either doing things consistently in our lives that are bringing us toward or away from our true selves and best lives. The daily decisions that we make and the way we interact with the world creates not only how others see us, but most importantly, how we view ourselves.
Not that this is going to blow your mind, but how we view ourselves is huge. It dictates the quality of our lives.
Whatever we believe to be true about ourselves is what will be reflected back to us. How we view ourselves will create the results that show up in the form of opportunities and relationships in our lives.
Our sense of self, also known as our self esteem, comes from listening and honoring our truth, respecting ourself, creating boundaries and connecting consistently to what’s calling us.
Going toward the people, places and things that fire us up is what creates our happy.
Since how we feel about ourselves is directly linked to our level of happiness, here are some tips to find & maintain balance as well as authenticity in life.
1. Find Your Balance
Everything seems to find its way back to the concept of balance. How we balance “all the things” in life will dictate how our life unfolds. In order to stay in balance requires us to be pretty savvy organizers of our time. A large part of prioritizing is weeding out what isn’t serving us. We respect our time and boundaries when we eliminate what’s not adding to our experience. Consequently, we’re also sending out a powerful message to the world via what we tolerate and keep around.
We will get what we allow, whether we like it or not.
What to let go of can be hard to see because what served us in the past, might not serve us any longer. Old habits die hard, right? Although, clarity can be found by actions like journaling or chatting with a trusted friend or therapist about what to let go of and what to hold onto. Sometimes an outside source can help us see our blind side or a different perspective.
2. Ditch People Pleasing
People pleasing is such a mega trap to happiness. Many times, in order to find our happy, we have to disconnect from a false belief that saying “No” is inconsiderate. Here’s the deal; This is your life and anyone who truly values you and loves you will understand your “No.” They have permission to dislike your “No,” but they won’t disrespect it or punish you for it if it’s a healthy and loving connection.
Saying “No” is our way of mentally prioritizing.
Saying “No” by setting boundaries and making clear choices is how we value our time and the time of others. I know that I’ve created a lot of confusion when I’ve been so concerned about disappointing someone that I’ve come off unclear by avoiding a direct expression of “No.” Ironically, I created more frustration, for both myself and others, by not being straight up.
It’s a difficult task to know ourselves well enough to weed through all the options that life presents while making clear decisions about how to spend our time. Although it can be confusing, it’s possible to hone the skill of prioritizing and honoring what serves us best with practice.
3. Go Toward What You’re Curious About
If we want to bring playfulness into our lives, paying attention to what interests us will lead the way. Our curiosity is our north star. It’s that simple. If you have no awareness around what you like or what interests you, start with the basics: Chocolate or Vanilla?
If that’s where you need to begin; So be it; Just start somewhere.
Today there’s tons of pressure around “knowing your passion.” Please remember that passions begin with a simple curiosity at first, so just go toward what you prefer and things will roll from there.
Life is like a scavenger hunt. If you follow your curiosity you will be lead toward people, places and things that serve you. Having a clear knowing of what you’re looking for will help you find it with more ease and clarity. Although, if you’re not clear, don’t fret; Just notice the things that turn your head and capture your interest. Those are signs, directing you toward aligned opportunities and people. You will build momentum in your life as you consistently act on your curiosity, which will bring like minded things to you and so it goes from there.
4. Stop Trying to Figure it Out
Man, this is such a biggie.
So many clients come to me looking for answers while trying to figure it all out. When we’re sitting in the frustration of trying to figure things out, we’re blocking ourselves from seeing the simple clues that are right in front of us. When we’re fixed on a solution, we’re limiting our experience in the NOW. You can find relief from your frustration by realizing that you don’t need to know the HOW. Meaning, you don’t need to know HOW things will show up and present themselves in your life. This is so hard for those of us who are hard wired to find the solution. (I get it, believe me.) This is the practice of letting go, surrendering and allowing. Ultimately, our job is to go toward the things that we enjoy and as we do, opportunities will present themselves. With less resistance, we will be able to see the opportunities presented before us with more ease.
5. Pay Attention to How You Feel
What we eat, who we spend our time with, how we move and treat our bodies and what environments we put yourselves in all dictate how our lives will unfold. What we ingest on an internal and external level is creating our expeience.
Life is a constant exchange of energy.
In the most basic way of stating it, we’re either digesting good vibes or bad vibes. The noises around us, the conversations we’re participating in or overhearing; It’s all energy that we’re taking in and processing. For worse or better. Being more aware of how the specific people, places and things that we’re choosing make us feel will help us make better future choices.
If we feel unfulfilled in our current reality, there are small things that we can do to begin the process of change. The concept of momentum is always at play within our lives. Momentum is defined as the “driving force gained by the development of a process or course of events.” One thing always leads to the next. As we keep our minds and bodies in a positive space by doing the healthy things we know to do, no matter how big or small, momentum will build and do its magic in our lives. With less resistance, the ball will start rolling and change will begin to take place. Just. Like. That.
Living a life that we desire and choose does involve being open, courageous and having trust or faith in something bigger. The above steps can help peel layers of resistance so we can get the momentum rolling in our lives which will guide us to the next page or chapter.
*Above image was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based lifestyle & wedding photographer.
A Reframe About Pursuing Success
There are individuals everywhere who have all the external components that we would imagine define "success," yet there's no happiness underneath it all.
The truth is that no external thing can make you a happy person long term.
You can feel the short term hit of dopamine and happiness by acquiring or getting what you’ve always wanted externally, yet it’s just a matter of time where the “high” acquiring will wear off.
This may lead us to question what the term success means for us personally. Once we can define that more clearly for ourselves, it's less likely for us to go down a mindless and empty path toward gadgets, relationships and stuff that lead to nowhere.
Personal success looks different for all of us. Be true and consistent to what it looks like for you.
Here's a quote intended to help you get more clear about your own unique relationship with the concept of success.
“Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run—in the long-run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it.”
I love this quote. It highlights an important path toward the kind of happiness and joy that benefits all within reach.
So often we can get caught in the trap of trying so hard to achieve to gain a certain result. For the record, I've become really weary of the word "trying" at this point in my life. "Trying" to make a certain something happen. "Trying" to attain the ideal relationship. "Trying" to make a certain amount of money. "Trying" to get to where the grass (in our heads) is greener. Too much trying can back fire and sends off an anxious and, at times, needy vibe.
Trying too hard, often, is the exact action that's keeping us from receiving what we desire.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all about goals and creating markers toward personal achievement, however there's an artful balance of knowing when to tug and when to loosen up. It's a skill to learn how to go after something with an attitude of openness and flexibility, but without need and desperation. Needless to say, the results of these two approaches are very different.
Practicing allowing and loosening your grip of the drivers seat of your life, sometimes is the specific ingredient needed to open up enough space for that thing you really want to sneak in.
Endless trying paired with no real satisfying results will lead us feeling empty and discouraged.
The irony is that when we let go and stop trying so hard we naturally begin to start living by enjoying what we do have. When we can find joy in what's already full in our lives, that's when things have an uncanny way of coming together and more good things are created.
Trust this. Follow what feels good. Follow what feels right in your heart vs. where your logical mind believes success lives. When you do this, the chances that you will experience the kind of happiness that's deep and sustaining is more likely.
* The above image was taken by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.