AFTER THE BREAKUP: Repairing and Regaining Your Sense of Self (for the recovering co-dependent)
The panic, pain and distress that is commonly felt when a codependent relationship ends is hard to put into words. As a codependent relationship comes to an end, there’s often a “hot & cold” and “on & off” dynamic that makes the break up all the more drawn out and painful.
It can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you—like your sense of identity, stability, and worth was tied so tightly to another person that their absence leaves you lost and in pieces. For many recovering from codependency, the breakup is not just the end of a relationship—it’s the beginning of an emotional unraveling that, while painful, also holds the potential for deep healing and self-reclamation.
If you're new to the topic of codependency here’s a helpful place to start: Codependency (what it is and how to heal) .
This post is for those navigating that raw aftermath, unsure of who they are without the other, and ready to slowly begin the work of repairing and regaining their sense of self and self respect.
What Is Codependency? (let’s refresh)
Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of emotional and psychological reliance on another person — often at the expense of your own needs, desires, and identity. When you're in a codependent dynamic, you find yourself hyper-focused on your partner’s needs while neglecting your own.
Over time, this can lead to the dissolving of key pillars in your life:
Your friendships
Family connections
Personal routines and self-care
Creative or professional goals
Time for yourself
You say yes when you mean no. You become overly responsible for the other person's mood, actions, and comfort.
You shrink. You disappear. Nothing about this way of being is doing anything of value for you; nothing.
What Gets Lost in a Codependent Relationship?
There’s a lot at stake when you let go of putting energy into yourself, while hyper focusing on your partner, which is often what happens within a co dependent dynamic.
Let’s name the core parts of you that often fall away:
✦ Self-Identity
You lose track of who you are outside the relationship. You may experience anxiety, depression, or even turn to coping behaviors to numb the disconnect.
✦ Self-Awareness
You stop checking in with your own needs, desires, and boundaries — or you feel guilty when you do as it takes the focus off of them.
✦ Self-Care
Basic needs like sleep, nutrition, scheduling doctor’s appointments, or simply doing the little things that you “used” to do for yourself fall off the radar.
✦ Core Values
You begin to bend your values to keep the peace or maintain closeness — even if it means going against what you believe to be true or value.
✦ Boundaries
You expect your partner to “just know” your limits, or you avoid expressing them for fear of conflict or abandonment.
✦ Lack of Autonomy
You may feel unsafe acting independently in the relationship, or incapable of making decisions without the other person.
✦ Self Respect
It’s common to feel very empty and lost after the break up (and even during)- You’ve spent the majority of your energy focusing on another person, so when everything is said and done you find yourself lacking self respect along with your sense of self.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave?
People in codependent relationships often stay because the thought of being alone feels terrifying. They have connected their sense of worth and meaning to another person - often a person who leaves them feeling empty and unappreciated.
Even if the relationship was draining or dysfunctional, you may find yourself longing, obsessing, or questioning your decision to leave.
Why?
Because a codependent relationship often isn't "bad" all the time. Your partner likely had moments of kindness or made promises of change. (this helped you validate why you stay and provided you hope for how it “could be.” ) The unpredictable mix of affection and hurt creates a trauma bond that makes it hard to leave and even harder to think clearly about the relationship.
The 3 R’s of the Codependent Breakup (via Dr. Ramani)
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula outlines three emotional patterns many people experience post-breakup, especially those healing from codependency:
1. Rumination
You replay the relationship endlessly:
What if I had tried harder?
Maybe I overreacted.
Was it really that bad?
You idealize the potential. You minimize the harm. Rumination is a trauma response — your mind trying to make sense of something that often never made sense to begin with. More about what rumination is here.
2. Regret
You start to blame yourself:
I should’ve seen the red flags.
Why didn’t I leave sooner?
This emotional spiral fuels your inner critic and keeps you stuck in the pain loop. It can even make you vulnerable to reconnecting with a partner who didn’t value you.
3. Reaching Out
You may feel an intense pull to reconnect — seeking closure, answers, or a “do-over.” It’s important to note that this urge is often withdrawal from the trauma bond, not clarity. Reaching out often reopens the wound you’re trying to heal.
What is the Root of Codependency?
Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern that often stems from a combination of factors including childhood trauma, dysfunctional family dynamics, and insecure attachment styles. These experiences can lead to low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self, and difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, all contributing to codependent behaviors in our adulthood relationships.
(see resources below to dive deeper into the root healing that goes into recovering from codependency.)
What the Codependent Might Feel After a Breakup
Shame or feeling “defective”
Intense fear of being alone
Panic, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts
Low self-esteem
Jealousy or fear of being replaced
Obsessive thoughts about your ex — What are they doing now? Have they moved on?
All of this is normal for the codependent to experience — but it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system is trying to recalibrate after losing what it thought was “home.” It’s the consequence from making someone outside of you “the answer” and “the source” of your own worth.
How to Rebuild After Codependency
Recovering from codependency isn’t just about “moving on.” It’s about moving inward — and reclaiming the parts of you that you’ve ignored or intentionally silenced to “keep the peace.”
In a nutshell; rebuilding is about redirecting your energy from them back to you.
Here’s where to begin to rebuild:
✦ Set Boundaries
Reclaim your right to say no, to pause, to prioritize. Boundaries will be your bridge back to self-respect.
✦ Practice Self-Care
It’s the continual small habits that you do daily that helps you maintain your whole body wellness. It's booking the dentist, taking a walk, reconnecting with the special people in your life, it’s keeping the promises that you make to yourself.
✦ Build Self-Esteem
Affirm your worth without needing external validation. Reflect on what makes you authentically you apart from your ability to feel and be needed by someone or something outside of you.
✦ Identify Codependent Patterns
Notice where you seek approval, where you avoid conflict, and where you tend to people-please. Gaining awareness around the behaviors that are in your control and working toward shifting them is the first step to change.
✦ Feel Your Feelings
Let grief, anger, sadness, and fear move through you — feel it. This is where the healing lives. If you find it difficult to “feel your feelings” feel free to read this post on how to do just that here.
✦ Be Assertive
Use your voice. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Being direct doesn't make you difficult — it how you lead with self respect my friends.
✦ Meet Your Own Needs
Tend to your body, your desires, your ambitions. Make the decision that self-abandonment is no longer an option.
Takeaway
Healing from a codependent breakup is not linear, as the healing process never is. It’s raw. It’s layered. And it can be empowering, if you allow it to be. You’re not just recovering from a relationship — you’re recovering and reviving your sense of self and self respect.
This. Is. Huge.
The pain you’re feeling isn’t a sign that you should’ve stayed.
It’s a sign that your nervous system is adjusting to freedom. A sense of freedom that’s new, and maybe not even wanted (yet), however that incongruence is normal to the process of coming back into yourself.
Be patient with yourself and continue to focus back to yourself when thoughts of the other try to pull you away from your core.
The huge shift to healing is the recognition that: You’re allowed to choose you now (and you should).
Recommended Somatic Visualization for the Codependent
Find a comfortable space that’s quiet and close your eyes.Visualize a cord that is attached to the core of your body that’s inappropriately connected to “the other” (whoever the codependent relationship is with). Continue to visualize this cord taking all of your energy and resources and sending it to the other. Recognize in this visualization that by having this cord attached to “them” you’re consequently malnourishing and depleting your life force energy. Recognize how you’re dimming your sense of self, light and love by this cord being so wrongly attached to them.
Now, visualize a pair of large scissors cutting the cord and reconnect that cord back into you; where it belongs and where it always needs to stay. Spend time sitting in the sensation of what it feels like to feel light, reviving energy flowing back into your body. Sit with this feeling of replenishing your sense of self respect, self identity and self love as long as it feels good to do so.
resources for healing codependency
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Should I Stay or Should I Go by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
An Invitation For You
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*Above image by Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
Self Worth (Tips to Improve Your Sense of Self)
When our self worth is low, our self beliefs are limited, compromised, negative and tend to be filled with doubt, shame and guilt. Low self worth leads to a slew of problems for us; We attract low grade relationships, opportunities and experiences because what’s drawn toward us is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
A reflection is defined as acting as a mirror. This simply means that others behavior toward us reveals your own self beliefs and feelings that we hold about ourselves. Outer events are a mirror of our inner psyche.
Whatever we believe to be true is true. This comes into play greatly with what we believe about ourselves.
If we believe we can; we can. If we don’t believe that we can do it, achieve it or be it; we are right.
If you hold the belief, “I am not worthy,” this belief will be reflected back to you from the outside world. The actions that you’ll receive from others will manifest in the form of disrespectful behavior, a lack of appreciation and not being taken seriously.
The problem is, when you already feel crummy about yourself, it’s a given that this external response from the world will knock you down further. Unfortunately, it can be all too tempting to use this response as evidence to further your self loathing and shame. It’s really hard to fight against such frustrating, hurtful and unpleasant reflections. However, as you gain more self worth, love and respect, you’ll have the ability to do so and with that will come positive change for you both inwardly and outwardly.
The reality is; that an outside response toward you is not personal. It’s often just a reflection of your own internal beliefs and thoughts about yourself. That’s it; nothing more to read into. External responses are highlighting the relationship that you have with yourself.
(I know I’m repeating myself here, however it’s intentional as it’s my attempt for you to witness the alignment of your internal feelings about yourself to how others respond to you. This is playing out and this has always been playing out in your life.)
The good news is that you have full control over the relationship you have with Self. As you begin to commit to a self love practice and start to increase your level of self worth, the result that you get from the outside WILL shift and change.
It’s energetically how it works.
Be mindful of going toward “A false fix.” Meaning, “putting a bandaid on the problem” or wounds that need healing as an attempt to mask your low self worth. Be mindful of masking your low concept of self by operating at the ego level. Our ego gets it’s kicks via outward attention and applause. Self worth gained via our ego looks like attaining nicer possessions, higher status, higher pay, more power and control. Our defensive and insecure behaviors will be present when the ego is in the drivers seat. Operating from the ego is not the way to go for true, core healing. Ultimately, the masks you put up will fall down and your fragile sense of self will be revealed in some way, shape or form.
As the saying goes, the truth prevails.
True confidence is quiet.
Thought work: Changing your core beliefs. Changing your core beliefs will change your life. This “work” requires you to take responsibility for how you’ve been thinking about your life and yourself and deciding to change it. Changing your beliefs will change the way the external world responds to you. Most importantly, it will change the way YOU respond to YOU.
Journal Prompt: Are your core beliefs working for you or against you?
Examine what your current core beliefs are. I encourage you to explore your relationship with the key areas of your life; love, money, relationships, work, health.
What do you believe to be true about these foundational areas of your life?
Where are there limits within your belief system?
After exploring what your core beliefs are, you will have more information to understand and explore how your belief system has and is impacting your level of self worth. You should be able to see how your beliefs and level of self worth align. Meaning, if you’re being really authentic with yourself, you will see how your belief systems and sense of self match like puzzle pieces.
Here are some tips to help you work on your level of self worth.
8 Tips to Increase Your Sense of Self
improve your self talk
accept imperfection & your human moments
watch your habit of comparison
surround yourself with people that have healthy & positive influence & energy
surround yourself in environments that allow you to tap into your strengths and passions
practice self forgiveness
practice turning around self judgmental thoughts with thought work
develop a gratitude practice
Thought work- Turn around self judgmental thoughts via awareness and your commitment to shift your self judgmental thoughts as they appear. Self judgement is unproductive, harmful, unnecessary and not doing anything for you. The key to shifting your self judgmental thinking is to replace your judgmental thoughts with kind, loving, self serving thoughts, which eventually will help you arrive at self acceptance.
Self compassion/ Self kindness- the ability to be kind to oneself.
Note: Guilt and shame act as barriers to our self compassion, which compromises are overall level of self worth. Self kindness helps us heal our low self worth by orchestrating deep repair work (repairing our relationship with Self.)
Self judgement is not based in reality.
This means that when we’re caught in self judgement we’re immediately pulled out of the present moment. The symptom of being unrooted from the present will be dwelling and feeling guilt for the past.
It’s important to note that the tug of the past is strong. It’s powerful and it can easily pull you into a spiral of guilt and shame. In order to avoid being "sucked down the rabbit hole” by guilt and shame it’s essential to remind yourself that:
You’re not the past. The past YOU is not the present YOU.
The reality is that you’re the YOU in this present moment, here and now. That’s different from the YOU that you’re reflecting on from the past. Grounding yourself in the NOW is where the healing and expansion of self lies. This is why practices such as meditation and yoga are such major vessels for core healing. Any practice, really, that allows you to find peace and solitude within the Self will help you be in the present.
Ultimately, overcoming self judgement is the key to tapping into your authentic self.
To say it clearly; being compassionate and kind to yourself in the present moment will help increase your level of self worth.
In Summary / Q & A
Q: How do I get into the present moment and begin increasing my level of self worth?
A: By caring for yourself. The raw act of self care is what brings you into the present moment. Presently “feeding” yourself loving feelings, kind thoughts and engaging in healthy, positive activities and routines leads to increased self worth. Committing to a self care practice and working on eliminating self judgement from your internal dialogue, overtime, will lead to a positive shift in your sense of self.
*Self Love Meditation Suggestion: Place place both of your hands over your heart and continue to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Ask Yourself: How does it feel when I place my hand over my heart? Continue to focus on your breathe. On each inhale think: I AM WORTHY / On each exhale think: I AM ENOUGH / Continue breathing in and out while noticing the emotions that come up through out your practice.
Cheers to you my friends. If I have one wish for you, it’s for you to go through your days with an expanded and healthy sense of Self. Your level of self worth is dictating everything. Please be kind and loving to yourself. Doing so will help you attain what you are looking for in this life.
An Invitation For You
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What I Wish I Knew in My 20's & 30's
There’s plenty of blogs directing advice to your 20 year old self. Plenty. “What I wish I knew when I was 20.” Google it.
From there, it seems to turn into posts about “What I wish I knew at 30” or “What I wish I knew Before 30” (So, again, focusing on the 20’s.)
Q: What about the rest of us?
How about the 30’s? How about the 40’s? How about some good solid tips, regardless of your age, that are designed for you to find your own version of happy? I mean, I had tons of questions and things I “wish” I knew during my 30’s. I also, currently would love to hear some feedback and advice for my 40 something year old self.
My intention for this post is to speak specifically to both the decades of the 20’s and 30’s because, well, I’ve been through both of them. I’ve fully completed, signed and sealed my 20’s and 30’s and here’s the “feedback” I have for you with being on the other side.
Regardless of your specific age or decade of dwelling, this feedback can keep your perspective healthy, free of comparison and grounded. This is directed toward ANYBODY whose in a space of doubting, stressing about or questioning their whereabouts on this journey called life.
*All my feedback comes from a well intended place. A place to maybe give you validation for what you already know or the courage to believe something different for yourself.
Here are 11 tips of healthy perspective, from me to you.
#1 STOP TRYING TO “FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE” IN YOUR HEAD
Oh the analyzing mind. Some of us get very caught in the bad habit of trying to “figure it all out.” We plan. We stress. We worry. We live in fear of all the things not happening for us in life, so in order to pacify our fears we over control and force things into place.
If you’re finding yourself trying to “think out” what you need to do in order to get or accomplish A, B or C in your life, please stop friend. Rather, start focusing on taking small steps toward “different” actions within your daily life. Life doesn’t happen when you’re thinking and planning it out. It happens when you’re engaged, present and actually living it out.
It’s a cliche for a reason: “It will happen when you stop trying.”
Stressing about when you’re going to find the partner, have kids, get married and “find” the career for you is beyond overwhelming. It takes the joy out of the present moment when you’re spending so much time worrying about the future.
Being overly distracted with where you “want to be” will check you out of your current life. If you’re in this cycle of hyper focus on the future, you will feel stuck, frustrated, irritated, anxious and, possibly, hopeless. Those feelings are due to your inability to be present more than your actual circumstances.
It’s an extremely stressful and an unrealistic expectation to think you can “figure it all out” in your head. You can’t “figure out” your life by thinking really hard about it. However, that doesn’t stop many of us from trying. Trying to “figure out” how to meet the specific person that’s going to be our life partner. Trying to figure out how to land the “dream job.”
It takes a lifetime to get to know yourself. It’s too much pressure to feel as if you have to “figure it out” because you X age. (Also, life and your wants and desires can change as you change. This is even more of a reason to find a good balance between ease and effort as you’re on your path toward creating what you want for your life.
#2 TIMING IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY (stop comparing)
Everybody has different timing and a different path and it means NOTHING negative about you. Where you’re at is not “wrong.” It’s neutral, unless you’re putting a meaning to it, either positively or negatively. Nothing is “wrong with you if your circumstances are not like (insert whoever you’re comparing yourself too.)
As you begin to embrace where you’re at in life and engage in your life, that’s when things will start to fall into place for you with more flow. In short, embrace what you have going on; all of it. Accept the parts that you feel good about and the parts that you do want to change.
Something interesting happens when we slip into the space of acceptance. Acceptance allows more calm and inner peace, which then allows us to act and behave differently. This, in turn, effects the results we get in life. More good things will keep happening for you as you melt into acceptance and surrender to the timing of events in your journey.
In order to BE in a more free flowing state, it’s important to let go of any controlled timeline of events that you might be anticipating. I’m not saying deny what you want. I want your desires to come true, just as you do. However, being more loose and open to how events and circumstances in your life are going to unfold will help you stay in a more positive headspace about it all.
Please, please, please be very mindful of the timelines that you put on yourself. They can cause a lot of suffering if not “in check.”
#3 LEARN TO LET GO OF THE PAST (it will hold you back if you don’t)
We all will come across people and experiences that will be hard to let go of for a multitude of reasons. It could be our attachment style that doesn’t let someone go. It could be our pain that doesn’t let us put a situation to rest. Regardless of what it is, it’s so important to do “the work” to release the past.
Think of it simply: holding onto anything you don’t need will take up space for something else to move in. When we feel stuck in our life and find ourselves constantly going back to “what was,” perhaps that’s a signal that there’s some healing to do. If you feel like you need some support in exploring your past, here’s a link for an article I wrote on Finding The “Right” Therapist for You.
#4 BE MINDFUL OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS (and the expectations that others put on you)
Truthfully, the more interesting people I know have not done it by the book. (This is not truth, it’s just my personal experience.) Spend time going down paths that you’re curious about, without stressing about what you think you “SHOULD” be doing instead. Be mindful of outside pressure that is suggesting for you to be something or someone different other than who you are. In other words, some people may want you to be certain things and live a life that’s not true for you. It takes a lot of self awareness and courage to go against these outside pressures, especially when the pressure is from people who we love.
Be mindful of this. Be brave enough to hold onto your truth.
#5 YOU CAN MAKE $ DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE (believe it)
What???!!! Record scratch. Yup, I said it, despite what your parents might be telling you and despite what “they” say.
Repeat after me: “I can make money doing something I love.” It’s true folks, you can make a career out of something you’re passionate about, good at and enjoy. It could be a grand slam. Isn’t that mind blowing?
Why is that so hard to believe for some of us? Here’s a thought on why this could be so:
Our experiences growing up, the culture that we were exposed to in our family of origin coupled with what we’ve been taught and believe about success will effect what we allow ourselves to go toward.
We can get caught in other people’s expectations and put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we strictly define what success and adulthood “looks” like based on our conditioning. We are a product, to a certain extent, of what we’re from and what we were taught. For worse or better. It’s really hard to strip ourselves away from any mold that we’ve been exposed too and melted into for years of our life. However, I’m here to remind you that there are MANY “outside the box” ways to become successful, no matter who is telling you anything different. Theres’ too much proof of it in our world at this point to deny that it’s possible. I’m not saying it’s going to be a cake walk to pursue your unique career path, but your journey toward creating a career you enjoy is incredibly possible. Believe it!
With intention, desire, hard work and a vision, you can create a career that feeds your soul. Success doesn’t just come within the structured career basics. It can and it does. However, if you’re being called to go “the road less traveled” career wise, trust yourself and know that you can find a creative way to make income and be fulfilled. To sum this point up; getting creative and doing things your way can pay off.
#6 RELATIONSHIPS WILL COME & GO (and it’s natural & normal for them to do so)
Not everyone that you meet is meant to be in your life for the long haul. You could look at that as sad or upsetting and you might need to for a bit in order to properly morn the loss of some relationships that meant something to you. Although, remember that it’s true for all of us and a very normal part of life for people to come and go. It’s a very special few that make the whole journey with us. Knowing who to put your energy into at specific junctures in your life is an important skill. Also, doing your best to allow shift and change will suit you well when moving through your life and navigating through the changing times of your relationships.
Some people are incredibly important seasons. Value them for the time that you do get with them. It’s important to pay attention to the natural expiration date for some of our relationships. Surrendering to this concept and being mindful to let go of force and to allow a natural flow will help you work through the coming and going of relationships in your life.
#7 DARE TO BE DIFFERENT FROM THE CROWD (you’ll be better for it)
There’s truth around the perspective that the people who are really making waves and accomplishing incredible things in this world are true individuals. “True Individuals” meaning people who have created their own path in life and have made choices, that sometimes, could cause controversy, simply because their way is “different.”
Your voice, perspective, way of seeing the world and overall unique package is what makes you who you are. It creates the energy that the world feels and experiences of you. Being brave enough to show your authentic self to others and the world does greatly pay off if you’re courageous enough to hold that space.
Yes, it requires bravery to do this. It’s a win/win to do this and it’s worth the fight because, first and foremost, it feels amazing to openly express who you truly are without holding back. Expression because really natural and effortless when you’re not spending time worrying and anticipating “what others will think.” When there’s less blocks in the road, everything will feel better and that will be reflected in the overall result of what you create in your life. This individual way of being attracts the “right” opportunities and people to you. Like attracts like. Truth attracts truth. This is what can make life incredibly fulfilling.
Bottom line: If you’re brave enough to really show your truth, it will benefit you greatly. Dare to be different friends.
#8 GIVE LESS F’S! (you will experience much less suffering if you do so)
This is the natural next point after the latter. In order to really “do you” (boo) you have to give less credit and put less attention on who your naysayers are. Nobody in this life is going to get a green light from everyone and that’s just apart of the experience. Caring less about who doesn’t like you, for whatever reason it is that they don’t, will bring much more peace to your days. Period.
#9 LOVE HAS AN INTERESTING WAY OF FINDING YOU WHEN YOU TAP INTO SELF LOVE & ACCEPTANCE
I know, I know. We’ve heard this one 1000x: You need to love yourself before someone can love you.
When you genuinely get to a point where you have a healthy and kind relationship with your own self, that’s when your point of attraction for “big” fulfilling love has a shot at finding you.
You can attract love without a healthy level of self worth. Sure, people do it all the time. However, there’s way more room for things to go really south when you don’t tend to the most important relationship that there will ever be, which is the one between you and you.
Take the time to “get right” with yourself so you can thrive. Your ability to create rich and fulfilling relationships will also increase when your level of self love and acceptance is healthy.
#10 DON”T TAKE “ADULTING” (AND YOURSELF) TOO SERIOUSLY
Need I say more? Sometimes, we get way too serious in our role as adults and we forget how to BE light and have fun. It’s a real bummer when this happens and I’m not talking about being an irresponsible adult. I’m actually talking about being a balanced adult where you know when it’s time to step up and tend to your responsibilities balanced with knowing when to let loose and laugh. Laugh at yourself and with others.
Sit at the kids table. Go down the water slide. Jump on the trampoline. Make funny faces. See what joy you can tap back into when you just loosen up and don’t take yourself so seriously.
#11 IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK HOW YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD (and that’s not bad)
I remember my 20 year old self having it all figured out. I’m going to marry him, live there, do that as a career and have x amount of kids or dogs or houses or friends or……you get what I’m throwing down?
In a nutshell, I’ve NEVER come across a friend, acquaintance or client who has told me that their life looks exactly as they thought it would. Not saying it doesn’t exist, but if it does it’s a rarity and could be a sign that you played it really safe and within the lines of your comfort zone. Just saying.
Life is unpredictable and when you’re really living it and allowing it to take the lead it will not look as you thought it would. it just won’t. It will be bigger, louder and have less limits than you thought.
It. Just. Will.
Well, that’s that. I hope that spoke to you and gets you inspired to keep your heart, perspective and your eyes open so you can be present and make the most of this journey called LIFE. Cheers friend.
*Above image is from San Diego based photographer, Renata Amazonas taken @villapalomajoshuartree
How to Quiet Your Inner Critical Voice
What’s the tone of your inner voice? Harsh? Mean? Critical? Supportive? Does it lift you up or tear you down?
The general vibe of our inner voice greatly determines what we go after in life. It can help us thrive or hold us back; Big time. Call the inner murmur whatever you want; The voice in your head. The harsh inner critic. The bad roommate within. Having a supportive team mate in your head that encourages you to take risks and pursue the things that light you up is invaluable.
This post is for those of you who struggle with a negative inner voice. A voice that’s discouraging and depletes you of hope. A voice that chips away at your sense of self and creates doubt for no reason. A voice that’s constantly sending the message that what you’re doing isn’t “good enough.” A voice that always has something to complain about, leaving you chronically exhausted and drained of your life force energy.
One main key toward quieting your critical inner voice is in understanding where it evolved from. Meaning, if it’s negative and critical, taking some time to ask Why? Why is my inner tone so harsh? Why do I talk to myself so poorly? When you begin to gain understanding of what’s going on, you can then learn the skills to get this voice in check so you can live your life with more peace.
More inner peace will help you create and live to your full potential.
Here are some steps toward a healthier inner voice.
Step 1
Educate : Discover the origin of your inner critic and bring self empathy to heal.
ORIGIN Why do I talk to myself so critically?
Usually our critical voice is mimicking a voice from the past. Perhaps you had a critical parent, and your inner voice is on repeat based on what you heard growing up. The way that we continuously talk to ourselves becomes apart of our mental blueprint and way of functioning. To say it straight, some of us have embodied the critical voice of a pivotal person from our childhood and created a duplicate version to live upstairs in our head. In this case, what we experienced (how we were spoken to in the past) becomes our normal. We don’t question the negative tone and unkind commentary. We accept it, usually without the awareness of how destructive it is and how much it’s holding us back in the present. Needless to say, a negative inner voice really impacts how we feel about ourselves.
EXERCISE FOR SELF EMPATHY
In order to begin to turn around the harsh inner critic, it’s important to find empathy for yourself. Here’s an exercise to help you tap in.
Find a childhood picture that you connect with in order to reconnect with your younger self. Put your picture up in a location where you’ll see it frequently throughout the day; On your home screen saver, your bathroom mirror, in your wallet, etc.
Find empathy for this younger you that was growing, witnessing and observing life with all that was going on at the time. Including hard moments, confusing moments, criticisms, good times, exciting times, etc. Tap into your “inner child” and “sit with the emotions” coming up.
Step 2
The Work: Observe, question and practice skills to create a healthier inner critic.
OBSERVE
In your work to quiet your inner critic, I point you toward paying close attention to this voice. I want you to explore where it was born, whose voice it might be, how harsh the tone is, how constant and loud it is, etc. I will provide questions for you to do the exploratory work below. This might require some time and space to document your findings.
A positive shift of your inner voice is a game changer. It’s like dropping the weight of a bowling ball that you’ve been carrying around for NO reason, but have been holding onto because you’ve never questioned it. (Nuts.) Shifting the tone of your self talk to include more positivity and kindness will help you create more calm and peace within. This positive shift will ripple onto all areas of your life by affecting the energy that you bring to everything you do.
QUESTIONS FOR INTROSPECTION
Who’s voice is talking up there? Mom’s? Dad’s? A critical coach, teacher or relative from the past? (Remember: It’s common for us to mimic the voice of those who we spent significant time with or who left a pivotal impact on us during our childhood.
What’s your inner voice saying to you?
Is it judgmental?
Kind?
Shaming?
What’s the tone?
How does this voice hold you back?
The Work (4 Steps)
When you get in the habit of becoming more aware of your self criticism and then pair it with understanding and acceptance, we’ve got a winning combo. This acknowledgment of a negative inner voice will allow us to be aware of it and do the things to bring it down from a level 10. Refraining from feeding into the negativity with awareness & acknowledgement will, overtime, help you course correct.
Every time you become aware that your inner critic is rearing, acknowledge the thought and refrain from feeding into the negativity by not giving it energy. “Hello thought, you’re there. ” Just let the thought BE so it can dissipate. Next, refocus your energy on the healthy and fulfilling things that you can think about or put energy into that serve you. If you keep doing this practice, with time, you will have a more peaceful inner headspace. There will be “less noise” up there because you’re constantly clearing your mind of unwanted clutter.
Here’s a mini breakdown of “The Work”
Find awareness. (Be able to acknowledge when you’re being unkind to yourself.)
Acknowledge the thought (I’m speaking super negative to myself.)
Allow the thought to be there without giving “it” your energy. (Hello thought, I see you, however, I’m not going to give you my energy. Goodbye.)
Refocus on what you were doing or could be doing for your better good.
Commit to this practice. (Create the space in order to have the energy and capacity to keep these skills in practice. This leads to the next point.)
A few more general tips…..
SLOW DOWN
In order to become more aware of your thoughts and have the energy to take positive action by doing “the work,” you might need to slow down. It’s incredible how distorted we can get about what “normal is” in terms of the pace that we’re operating at. It takes time and space to think clearly and do the good things for yourself to be healthy in your mind, body and soul.
Be mindful to make room for the things that tend to go first when we’re stressed. Meaning, I often hear clients tell me that they let go of their “basics” when they’ve had a stressful week. “Basics,” meaning, eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, asking for support, etc. This will not promote you to do the work that it will take to get your head back into a healthy and happy place. We have to constantly tend to our emotional and physical health to feel good.
PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION
If you feel like you’re having a hard time managing the harsh words of your inner critic, start with doing actions externally to set the tone of kindness. Meaning, if you simply can’t get a hold of what’s going on in your head, do something physically healthy for your body, mind & soul. Go to a yoga class, go surf, go run, go hike, meditate, walk around the block, eat a healthy meal, drink a big glass of water, jump in a body of water, take an art class, journal, learn a new skill, spend time with a friend who fills you up. etc. Do what YOU need to do to feed your body and soul. (Only you know what that is.) Make sure your self care is being tended too. Be consistent with the practices that make you feel good. It’s kind to take good care of yourself. Start there.
GIVE FACTS ENERGY; NOT STORIES
Often, when we struggle with negative self talk, getting in the habit of focusing on facts, not stories will help you greatly. (This is important in all areas of life. If you follow my content, you’re familiar with me saying, “Focus on Facts.” So much struggle is born when we get caught in assumptions about ourselves or others by swaying from the truth, which are facts.
When you catch yourself tearing yourself down with criticism, find the facts of the matter to see the truth. For example, if you say to yourself, “I’m so dumb,” practice questioning this rigid, over arching statement. Maybe there’s truth that what you just did was not the most intelligent thing; That’s not the problem. The problem is labeling yourself harshly for one act and putting a hard generalization on yourself, which makes you feel bad and tears down your sense of self.
Please give yourself a break from your all or none thinking, which will keep you in a loop of never feeling good enough.
Someone can do something “not so great” AND that doesn’t mean that they’re “not so great.” Separate the action or choice from your sense of self and who you are as a person. This is huge. Generally speaking, refraining from focusing on stories that paint a tainted picture of YOU will help you have higher esteem and feel better.
I hope these practices speak to you and give you a direction on what to do in order to find a more positive tone for your inner critic. One of the most important things you can do in this life is give yourself the respect that you deserve. When you have self respect and self compassion you will attract that same respect back to you. Whether you believe in the WOO WOO world of energetics or not, we’re constantly setting the tone for how much respect we get from life by how we treat ourselves.
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*Above image taken in Joshua Tree by Photographer, Ashley WIlliams.
Gaining Confidence (4 Steps To Higher Self Worth)
I believe that THE most significant thing that you can do in this life is create a relationship with yourself that’s healthy, kind and loving. Period. That’s it. If all you had at the end of the day was a genuinely respectful and self honoring relationship with yourself, everything then would fall into place.
When we lack a rich inner relationship, everything else will be compromised in our lives. Happiness will be found in temporary external things and we will constantly be chasing the small moments of light that we can catch every now and then.
This is not the way you need to keep moving forward, so let’s talk about this topic so you can explore ways to improve the relationship that you have with yourself.
Self worth commingles with self respect, self confidence, self esteem and self love. They all fall under the same umbrella and as you do the work to increase one, the other will follow. Meaning, when you work on gaining more confidence, self respect and self love will usually increase as well.
Let’s tap a bit more on why spending the time and energy to increase your level of self worth is so important.
Our level of self worth is, without a doubt, one of the main factors contributing to how fulfilling our life is and will become. We make choices, create beliefs and accept people and situations based on our value of self, A.K.A. our self worth.
Below I’ve summed up 4 key factors to practice when you’re looking to up level your sense of self. Doing so will bring you more respect, better relationships, more enjoyment, less struggle, more confidence and clarity among so much more.
Aren’t you ready for this!?
Whether it be a situation with a person, place or thing that’s stripping you of your confidence or maybe it’s your own self deprecating voice tearing you down, regardless, I’m going to cover skills for you to hone so things can get back on the up and up.
Let’s do this. Here we go.
4 STEPS TO HIGH SELF WORTH
1. Establish Boundaries (Keep Your Radar ON for Unhealthy People, Places and Things)
Anything or anyone keeping “you small” or tearing you down is essential to pay attention to and do something about if we’re going to get your self worth back on track. After evaluation, if a specific relationship or thing consistently tears away at and devalues you, action is necessary to protect our worth. You might decide to part ways with that other or you might want to start with holding firm boundaries. Both of these actions are communicating something very essential, which is that YOU value YOU. As you begin to “stand up for yourself,” you’re sending the message that you have self respect and will not tolerate behaviors that are chipping away at your self worth. What tends to happen as we hold and are consistent with our boundaries is that people and situations fall away from us naturally because they no longer are a match.
As attraction and like energy are always at play, we’re attracting based on where we’re at. As we begin to hold a higher level of self respect, relationships that don’t have our best interest will have to look elsewhere for their prey. “Later!”
2. Evaluate Your Self Talk
Spend some time, perhaps a day or so, evaluating how you speak to yourself. Really pay attention to that inner voice and listen to what it’s saying. Is it positive and supportive? Or, is it self destructive and, straight up, mean? This will shine a light on the relationship that you have between you and you. How healthy and legit that relationship is will be dictating everything. It will dictate the job you get, the circumstances that you tolerate, the partner that you pick and the general vibe of the life that you live. Everything boo.
If you notice that there’s a lot of “clean up” to do in terms of the messaging of your inner voice, then there’s some work to be done. Without going into to much detail, you can begin to “change the tape” of your self talk by finding a more loving and mindful tone. As you do and with consistent practice you will start to rebuild your level of self worth.
A great question to ask if you’re struggling to decide where you stand on this topic is:
Q: Am I being my own best friend or my own worst enemy?
Changing the script and bringing in a loving and affirming voice will begin to increase your level of worth. Self deprecating behavior is a loud negative message to not only yourself, but also to those listening. (Often our inner negativity is projected outwardly whether we are aware of it or not.) To put it simply, as you project your negative voice out loud, you will be treated accordingly. That’s why life tends to be such a struggle for those of us who have a destructive inner voice.
Hang in there and realize that it doesn’t need to take years to tend to this issue. I’ve had clients that have seen improvement quickly by focusing energy and mindfulness on this area of their life. If you want to shift your tone with yourself and you desire a different result, you can do it. As you do, the feedback that you receive from the world, paired with the positive feelings that you will start to cultivate for yourself, will create momentum and incentive for you to keep going. It doesn’t need to take a long time for you to reprogram old scripts and ways. Truth.
3. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like You in This Life
Finding acceptance around the concept that, no matter what you do, there’s always going to be someone in the room that disagrees or has a different opinion, is key. It doesn’t mean anything about you when someone doesn’t choose you. It’s not personal. Not everyone can be for you. It’s just not how the world works. The world benefits from differences and variety, which also means that if you’re being true to yourself, every now and then, someone is not going to be a fit. As this concept begins to root within, criticism and judgement from others has a tendency to fly off our shoulders with more ease and less analyzing.
Letting go occurs as we learn how to not take things personally.
If you’re struggling with taking things personally, I highly recommend the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. “Agreement Number 2” is “How to Not Take Things Personally.” It’s a quick read and a great reminder of how we can step more into acceptance around this matter.
4. Find and Own Your Magnetism
When I use the word “magnetism,” I’m referring to that thing that you possess (yes, you have it) that’s your natural gift. Your magnetism shows up by how you organically act which makes you who you are and attracts people to you. You don’t have to try with the quality about you that’s magnetic, it’s just apart of your essence. Unfortunately, sometimes life events or people come along that give us the message that we “should” quiet or strip ourselves of that thing. (Please don’t) The problem arises when we actually listen to the external noise of these people and messaging and, consequently, damper our own light.
I’m here to help you turn that light back on babe!
To do so, pay attention to the things that you do with ease. Take note of what others consistently compliment you on. Notice what you do well, without much effort. (This doesn’t mean that your “gift” is an easy achievement, it’s just natural for you.) Your magnetism and natural abilities are often connected to where your purpose lives, so it can benefit you to take the time to investigate this area of your life.
After identifying these aspects, spend time honing these qualities. Give these gifts energy because as you do they will grow. As they grow, you will connect to that place within where your true worth lives. Tapping into this area will turn back on your inner light and your magnetic self will begin to attract accordingly.
Own who you are. By doing so, you will find that positive people and opportunities will surround you and further lift you up.
*Above image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
3 Reasons Why Saying NO Needs to Be Apart of Your Self Love Practice
Practicing discernment and saying “No” is a solid way to build trust with yourself. What you spend your energy doing results in what your life looks and feels like. Allowing ourselves to say “No” when invites aren’t pulling at our heart strings communicates major self respect, to us and to others. Not everything is for us and it’s okay to be selective with our time.
I’m not sure that we hear this enough.
So often we can feel guilty and “bad” for not saying “yes” because we don’t want to “disappoint” or “let down” others. The irony is that we’re letting down ourselves every time we put someone’s wants ahead of ours. In hopes of getting you to where you want to go in this life, I’ve shared 3 reasons why it’s imperative for you to be selective and say “No” to people, places and things that aren’t calling you.
1. Saying NO Gives You the Space That You Need to Press the Reset Button, Gain Clarity and Renew
Having time to slow down, reconnect with yourself and pause is an absolute must if you’re looking to live a life that’s true to you. As noisy as it is when you’re in a crowded room where it’s hard to hear the conversation right in front of you, it’s just as difficult for us to hear ourselves when we’re “too busy” and non stop. Saying “No” is what provides us with the time and space to gain back our energy and process what’s coming at us on the daily.
2. Saying NO Allows You to Weed Out Experiences That Don’t Match Up With Who You Want to Become
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re actually saying “Yes” to something else. I’ve witnessed how some believe that in order to say “No” to an invite or obligation there needs to be a reason for the decline.
Let me tell you something, please take this in:
You do NOT need to have any plans on the books or any other prior obligation made for saying “NO” to be legit. You can say “No” just because. Period.
You don’t need an excuse or reason to say no. You can say no because you’re just not feeling it. Honoring what you want vs. what you think you “should” do is a very powerful way to communicate to your own self that you value your energy, being and time. It’s okay if something isn’t calling you. You don’t “have” to do everything that you’re asked to do. This might be so obvious, yet it’s been pretty interesting to witness so many people struggling to say “No” within my practice.
As you ditch thinking that you need a reason to say No, you simultaneously build more trust with yourself. Every time we make choices that align with our true essence we grow that inner trust muscle. (Yes, we all have one, you included.) Allow yourself the gift of listening to the kind of day you had or the mood you’re in to dictate what choices you make when you do, in fact, have the choice. That’s a very strong message of self respect to all, the Universe included.
3. Saying “NO” Enhances Your Level of Self Worth
By using boundaries to respect your needs, desires and wants you cultivate more self worth. More self worth leads to more of all the good things in life. It really is one big spiderweb effect when it comes down to it.
I can say this until I’m blue in the face, but here I go again:
People respect people who respect themselves.
One of the most empowering things that you can do for yourself is to lead a life where you have established healthy and respectable boundaries. Having boundaries, as I’ve seen it, is one of the main paths toward seriously up leveling your level of self worth, which up levels your life.
Cheers friends. Honor your beautiful self. You deserve to do what calls you without guilt or shame. There’s a way to respect other’s and also respect yourself as you practice your boundaries and say YES to what feels right.
Above image by Wedding & Lifestyle Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.