Liminal Space Explained: Why You Feel Lost (and How to Move Through It)
“Feeling lost” is often what happens when you’re in a liminal space — that in-between zone where you’re no longer who or where you were, but not yet who or where you’re becoming. It’s an empty stretch full of uncertainty and the unknown, which makes it deeply uncomfortable — and, not to mention, easy to want to avoid.
Walking through liminal space can feel like moving through a pitch-dark room. You can’t see what’s ahead, and you’re not quite sure where you are — often leaving you hesitant, and searching for something solid to land on.
Let’s talk about liminal space
In psychology, we call liminal space a threshold state: a pause, a transition, a space that can feel uncertain, uncomfortable and even disorienting.
It tends to show up during big shifts — ending a relationship, changing careers, outgrowing an identity, healing from a former version of yourself. It’s the space between the old story and the new one — it rarely comes with a roadmap and often comes with a feeling of lost.
Liminal space is deeply uncomfortable for many — so much so that people often make choices or take action not because it feels aligned, but simply to escape the discomfort. Anything to get out of the vast unknown and move on, even if it’s not quite right.
Why it matters for mental wellness:
Liminal spaces challenge our sense of control, certainty, and self
They can trigger anxiety or grief — but they also invite the good stuff; self-reflection, redefinition, and transformation
what it can feel like
Liminal space can feel like floating, with nothing solid beneath you to land on. Everything familiar has fallen away, and the new hasn’t arrived yet. This is often when panic sets in. If the present doesn’t look or feel like what you imagined it should — then what direction are you even supposed to go in?
The questions start to spin and overwhelm us: Where do I go? What do I do? What action should I take?
And yet... no clear answers come.
Within this space you might feel restless, anxious, ungrounded — lost.
This is a point where many of us stop choosing intentionally and, instead, choose from a place of scarcity and fear.
But here’s the truth: this space isn’t empty. It’s full of potential. It’s where deep growth takes root — if you allow it.
“what is familiar is not always right.” -Brianna Wiest
The real truth is that feeling lost every now and then is normal. It’s actually a key part of becoming.
Can liminal space last for years?
Yes, it’s possible—and deeply human—to have a long liminal phase. Sometimes these "in-between" spaces aren’t just bridges from one chapter to another. They are the chapter. A long one has the potential to provide many valuable lessons to be learned and experienced if you can see it that way. Lessons can be learned when you use the in-between space to pause, reflect and heal, (if need be) so you can move forward.
Is it “normal” to feel like I’ve been in “in between” for years?
Is it normal? Well, it’s not common. But yes, “normal” for those of us who are seekers.
“Seekers,” as in people who tend to have a heightened sense of:
Emotional intelligence
Creative sensitivity
Spirituality
Authenticity; meaning people who are unwilling to fake their way into “belonging”
It tends to be more common for people with these traits to spend time in liminal spaces-which doesn’t necessarily mean stagnation or that something is “wrong.”
It can be a sign of an inner truth — that you’re not willing to conform just to move forward.
In all reality, it takes real courage to walk the road less traveled, to listen to the inner callings of what feels right instead of checking off life’s boxes at the so-called “right time.”
Those who can tolerate the unknown — who are willing to sit in uncertainty and trust what they can’t yet see — will likely find themselves in liminal spaces more often than most.
how to move through it
The key is to stop forcing clarity and start practicing trust. Let go of the need to fix or fast-forward.
Instead: Feel. Listen. Wait. (your new mantra)
This space asks you to slow down, to stay present, and to let the lessons rise on their own timing. See my post on slow living here if you need some direction on how to embrace slow and more intentional in order to gain clarity.
Practicing an empowering narrative such as: I’m not broken and I might feel lost, but maybe I’m not as lost as I think. Maybe I’m just becoming. Maybe this is just the stuck before the new chapter.
It reminds me of the quote:
“You necessarily have to be lost before you’re found.” - T. Scott McLeod
This suggests the idea that the feeling of being lost is often the necessary precursor to self-discovery, transformation and to the world “on the other side.”
If you’re in that in-between right now, offer yourself grace. You don’t need all the answers today-who really ever has all the answers anyway?-nobody. For now, just stay close to yourself as you move through it — one breath and one moment at a time.
for those feeling lost
maybe you’re not just waiting—you’re pausing.
maybe you’re not just alone—you’re aware.
maybe you’re not aimless—you’re between identities.
Let’s review:
At the end of the day, remember, feeling lost is often a sign that you’re in between spaces — experiencing liminality, a psychological threshold where old structures no longer fit, and the new ones haven’t yet taken form.
Knowing why you’re feeling so aimless, so stuck, so lost can, ultimately, help you move through it with more ease + flow. Carry on my friends. One step at a time
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
Let’s stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at @IAMKIMEGEL
*Above image by visual artist, Amy Lynn Bjornson
Self Sabotaging Behaviors (Identify & Eliminate Your Self Sabotaging Ways)
I suppose it could seem pretty obvious what the term “self sabotage” means. However, sometimes self sabotage is sneaky. There could be ways that you’re holding yourself back or “self sabotaging” that you have no conscious awareness around.
For anyone whose unaware of their self sabotaging ways or for those aware, yet stuck in the grip of their own self destruction; this one’s for you.
My goal is to bring any sort of conscious or unconscious form of self sabotage that you may be engaging in to the surface in order for you to clear it out. Without self sabotaging behaviors in the way you can proceed forward in your life with more ease and clear intention. Within this article you will find perspectives and reflective questions to help you overcome any resistance that’s keeping you from taking positive action toward change.
Let’s define it: What’s self sabotage?
Self sabotage is created by any actions or inaction that’s stunting your progress toward the things you want. Self sabotage is how you hinder your own potential and future success.
Why do you self sabotage?
There can be many reasons why you engage in self sabotage; here’s a few:
Low self-esteem
Insecure attachment styles
Fear of failure, disappointment, commitment
Unhealthy belief systems around relationships, life, love, career, self, etc
Unhealthy coping skills in relationships & life matters
2 Reasons Why You’re Stuck in Self Sabotage
1. Lack of Ownership / Self Responsibility
In a nutshell you stay stuck in self sabotage when avoiding taking ownership or responsibility for your inaction or actions becomes your pattern. Lacking the want or ability to see your part in any obstacle, keeps you stuck in behaviors and habits that hinder your ability to move forward.
With a lack of self ownership leading; you tend to see problems as being outside of yourself. With this perspective, it’s common to point the finger to the fault of external circumstances. It’s the fault of the job, the weather or the other person involved. Basically, the fault of anything tends to be everything else but something that you can potentially own and take responsibility for.
change: Taking a hard look at your life, your circumstances and accepting that there’s responsibility to own in how events and, ultimately, life is unfolding to some degree is a major shift to get beyond self sabotage.
Gaining self responsibility will help us to see our problem areas and allow us to begin to work on accepting and changing our ways.
With self compassion and kindness leading; I invite you to reflect on the ways that you might be lacking or avoiding taking ownership of areas in your life that feel stagnant, unfulfilling or a source of unhappiness.
2. Attachment to Negative Perspectives, Stories or Beliefs
When you’re mentally, emotionally or physically attached to something negative, you tend to unwittingly and consistently behave in ways that cause unhealthy decision making and general unhappiness. In a nutshell, what you’re attached to dictates the ways in which you make choices and decisions about your life.
Any beliefs that you have around not being capable enough, good enough or smart enough will hold you back from going toward what you really want.
Negative beliefs about yourself will keep you stuck in your self sabotaging behaviors. Negative stories about others and the world will do the same. Attachment to anything that is draining your life force energy and holding you back from being your best is something to do some reflection on.
change: Reflecting on the beliefs, stories and perspectives that could be holding you back and working to shift and eliminate negative ways of seeing the world can help you greatly.
*Find my post to help you identify and sort out any limiting beliefs HERE.
Examples of Self Sabotaging Behaviors
lack of self responsibility: waiting for others to present you with the opportunities to achieve happiness or success instead of creating them yourself.
rumination: spending your time picking apart your worries & doubts vs focusing on productive thoughts and actions that can help you toward fulfilling your potential.
resistance: having the inner knowing of what you need to do, yet lacking the motivation or ability to take positive action.
perfectionism: needing things to look or be a specific way; usually the result of setting unrealistic expectations of a goal.
justification: allowing your excuses to prevail over your dreams. Giving your excuses and justifications more energy than taking the necessary action toward what you actually want.
disorganization: we’ve all heard it before: messy house; messy mind. The condition of our external space impacts our mental clarity. Too much stuff or a disorganized space doesn’t create the backdrop for a productive and peaceful living environment. There’s much clarity in organization.
A read to inspire you to declutter HERE.
uprooting; making constant life changes that don’t allow for appropriate follow through toward commitments. The pattern with uprooting is constant change that keeps you from actually settling in anywhere or with anything. The constant coming and going is a barrier to long term success.
fear of failure: holding so much fear around things not working out to the point where you shut ideas down before they have a chance to succeed. Fear around failure can stop you from beginning any process of putting yourself “out there” and trying.
As long as we’re trapped in the confines of fear around failing we’ll have dreams that will remain unborn.
How to Heal: Establish a Microshift Mindset
A microshift mindset helps you learn to slowly introduce and implement new habits, while working toward defining and eliminating ones that no longer serve you. Over time, these “microshifts” create long lasting and impactful change that leads to a better quality of life.
Reminder: Big change often happens little by little
Ultimately, doing the deeper work to change any belief systems, irrational fears, face insecurities or negative associations that keep the root of the issue alive will be “the work” that releases you from your own self destructive ways.
Reflection Questions for Growth and Healing
In what ways might you be engaging in self sabotaging behaviors? look beyond the obvious. What behaviors or actions that at first glance might seem benign, but actually are self sabotaging? Take a moment to reflect.
What beliefs, ways of thinking or actions do you engage in that work against you and keep you limited? look for patterns and ways of being that are mindless and conditioned. (the things you “just do” without thinking.
What do you find yourself complaining about or feeling negative emotions around? look toward areas where there’s feelings of unfulfillment or boredom.
Remember that shifting and changing your ways will bring discomfort. Discomfort is present even with positive growth and change. Therefore, be mindful not read too much into the discomfort that you will feel along your self growth journey.
Instead of pushing uncomfortable emotions away; Breathe through them. Allow them to be with you.
You don’t have to like the presence of discomfort, but learning to tolerate the feeling as it accompanies you on your journey from time to time will help any uncomfortable feelings pass through with more ease and less struggle.
Resources for Further Introspection
The Mountain is You / book
The Mountain is You / workbook
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
Healthy Detachment: What it Looks and Feels Like
Practicing healthy detachment in our lives allows us to be free, present and enjoy the journey, even if our lives don’t look how we want ….yet.
When we’re living our lives attached to outcomes; it’s common to be in a place of restlessness or feel stuck. Being “attached to outcomes” by having strict expectations around timelines and details of life needing to be how you want them to be, will leave you in a state of chronic dissatisfaction.
In this state, you will be forever waiting for your life to begin. Beyond making you unhappy, this negative feeling state will limit your possibilities. When you’re stuck in the assumption of how you think things should and ought to happen for you; it’s common to pass on any good opportunity that is right in front of you.
When you’re attached, it’s common not to be able to see other opportunities showing up in different packaging. The reality is that many of these unseen opportunities are what could gift you with new relationships or positive life shifts if you could let go, detach and allow what is happening to prevail.
We often tell ourselves that when we get the right relationship, career, home, friend group, meet our goal weight, or come to a certain age; then life will feel and be better.
Truth: This could not be more false.
Circumstances and environments can change. It’s true that outward changes can impact the way you think and feel. However; deep rooted, unhealthy mindsets and perspectives need to be shifted from the inside out in order to experience true healthy change. No outward person, place or thing has the power to shift your negative core beliefs about your life and the world. Only you have the power and control to do that.
No beautiful face, amazing trip or home in the Hamptons can “fix” the way you feel about your life.
This is actually great news if you can see it so. The power to change is in your hands. It can be empowering to know that outward circumstances can’t make or break you unless you allow them to do so. (*side note: This is not to devalue the pain and heartache that comes from difficult circumstances.)
My main point here is to help you see that nothing outside of you can “make" you a happy person; It’s up to you to “be” a happy person. This truth can lead you to a place of personal empowerment if you can shift your perspective enough to see it that way.
What is healthy detachment?
Healthy detachment is knowing what you want, yet being able to let go of the desired outcome, timeline or how the object of your desire is going to show up in your life, while maintaining happiness in the present moment.
What is healthy detachment in relationships?
Healthy detachment in relationships is allowing other people to be responsible for their own choices and actions without trying to fix or save them from their own circumstances. It’s allowing the space for each party to practice self responsibility.
The importance of detaching to unhealthy thoughts
Our mental health will be compromised if we have a habit of attaching to our negative thoughts. An unhealthy habit is to attach to negative thoughts and ruminate about them. Consistently doing that is what breeds depression, anxiety and a slew of other mental health issues. Learning how to allow and feel your emotions without attaching to them in an unhealthy way is a skill and practice that will positively affect your mental health.
As the saying goes; thoughts become things, so allow all your thoughts, while practicing discernment and detachment. Allowing your thoughts to be acknowledged, felt and processed dictates the healthy flow of our emotional world.
In general we detach when we resist less and allow more. Resistance is rigid. Resistance aligns with feeling stuck. It keeps us consumed in our worry and anxiety. It keeps us stuck in our heads. Allowing opens and expands us. It softens us. It helps us see the possibilities beyond the rigid structure of our minds.
What “being attached” means:
Being “attached” means that there’s some sense of your self worth that you’re attaching to a person, place or thing.
By the time you’re attached, you’ve connected your sense of self to something or someone outside of you, which leaves you very vulnerable to outside influence and can compromise your sense of self. When your sense of self is attached to outward things and people, you will be on a emotional rollercoaster ride with your level of self worth. This, of course, is very dangerous. The goal is to have healthy connections with people and things outside of you while remaining steady with your self concept. This balance will help you remain a healthy minded person as life circumstances change and things come and go. (which they will.)
When we’re attached, we’re more likely to stay in destructive and unhealthy relationships. When we’re attached, we stay in jobs or within career paths that suck us dry because we don’t have the confidence that we can and will find something better.
When we’re attached to a person, place or thing the thought space is: “If I lose this, I will not be okay, whole, able to function or move on; so I will stay.”
Obviously, this mindset is fear based and causes great suffering. Holding on to this way of thinking causes us to be rigid in our ways and fixed on an outcome that we have deemed is necessary to be “okay.”
Emotions that appear when you’re Attached:
anxiety
fear
anger
jealousy
hopelessness
sadness
disconnection
Emotions that appear when you’re Detached:
peace of mind
calm
patience
presence
happiness
feelings of freedom
Now, let’s chat about Detachment……
3 Tips to Help You Practice Detachment
Be aware of unhealthy narratives and false beliefs that keep you attached. Be aware of your stories (your inner narratives / your false beliefs) that keep you attached. “If they leave I will be nothing.” “If I lose my job; I will lose it all.” Rather than focusing on fears and anxiety, focus on facts. Look at facts (reality) and use your introspection to help you separate what is reality vs. what is fear.
Practice living in the here and now; find flow. When we live in flow we are less attached to how we think things need to happen in order to be healthy happy humans. We embrace the day with a sense of excitement and curiosity of what could be rather than what we feel needs to happen. This helps us to feel really engaged and present with life, which helps us trust life more. When our ability to trust increases, we naturally will feel less inclined to control things.
Do the work. Go to therapy, do your own self study, practice introspection, develop a yoga practice, engage in sound healing, meditate, do breath work, jump in an ice bath; basically involve yourself in anything that helps you to become more present and aware. The more you learn how to calm your mind, your nervous system and your physical body, the more apt you will be to allow, accept and work with what life is serving up.
Q: How do I release attachment to the path that I think I need to take in order to get what I want?
A: surrender the mind made way that you think something can and ought to happen for you. This can be so hard because, as humans, we tend to base what could happen on what actually has happened. Needless to say that this can be limiting.
It’s hard for us to get out of our own box about what we think is possible. A skill to help you detach from the past is to learn how to think more expansively about how something could come into your life; Learning to let go of your planned out, strategic and limited way of thinking is a mindset shift that can help you greatly. It’s a release of control around the “how” you believe that something should come into your life. This surrender is what’s necessary to let go of your control and tight energy, which, is often rooted in fear.
Focusing too much on timelines, engaging in overthinking and self doubt all derail you from being in the healthy, neutral space of sitting with your desires. Having consistent practices to engage in that help you to stay centered are essential. You can’t be an athlete without consistent physical training just as you can’t be mentally healthy and strong without consistent wellness practices that help you maintain a positive mental space.
How do I learn how to get more comfortable with the unknown?
To say it short and sweet; Being able to surrender to what is and allow what is happening vs. fight it, is aligned with getting more comfortable with the unknown.
Take a moment to check in with what your belief is around “the unknown.” Close your eyes and connect into your body and see if you notice any sort of feelings come up when you think about the concept of uncertainty. What does uncertainty feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? If you notice that resistance, fear and anxiety are dominantly surfacing then it makes sense why you would want do everything in your power to control outcomes and rigidly plan ahead.
The truth is that, if you take a step back and reflect on your life, the unknown moments are usually the really special ones. Moments of uncertainty are commonly filled with some sort of magic if we allow them to pan out. This magic can’t come into fruition when things are curated, uber planned or expected. Shifting a fear based perspective to one filled with curiosity and presence can help you greatly. The unexpected is where really special life moments live. The day you were born. The day a really significant person walked into your life. The random day that you took an action that really shifted things for your life. Again, work to see how the unexpected is, often, where excitement lives.
If you can shift your perspective to accept and actually find where the element of surprise lives within the unknown, you will be more equipped to sit and find joy in the feeling state of uncertainty. (Find my blog post to further help you with accepting the concept of uncertainty HERE.)
How do I let go and practice surrender?
Remind yourself that you only have so much control over a situation until it’s beyond you. There’s a point in most situations where your interception can actually be unproductive or in the way, which leads to circumstances falling out of your favor. (I think we’ve all witnessed someone “try too hard” and completely sabotage something they really wanted.)
As I mentioned, you’ll see this with trying too hard. It’s also shows up with overly extending yourself and having poor boundaries to the point where your self respect is being compromised. It’s important to start getting more familiar with the point in life and in particular situations, where your efforts have reached an expiration point. Remember that you can do what you can do and then it’s important to practice releasing and letting go.
As always, I hope my words help to encourage you and calm your fears. Thanks for being here with me.
-xx, kim
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Above image is by Photographer + Visual Artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How To Say “No” (Why It’s So Important To Do)
How hard is it for you to say “No?” Maybe it’s easy for you, maybe it’s not.
Regardless, when we start talking about saying “No” to the people you care about and the things that you want to do, it can get a bit tricky. If you’re still pretty set that a hard “No” is easy for you to throw down, then good for you and pass this along to a friend who needs some tips. Right on.
Navigating your life by saying “no,” setting boundaries and being clear about your priorities is such a refreshing place to BE. There’s less noise, pressure and guilt in this space. There’s more time for the things that really matter. There’s more peace and calm because boundary setting and being clear about what works for you and what doesn’t will allow you to honor your wants and needs.
An over abundance of saying “Yes” in relationships when we really want to say “No” will leave us drained and detached from our center. To go further, having no boundaries by always saying “Yes” leads to disrespectful treatment from others and a disrespect of self. (No Thank You.) We are showing people how to treat us by how we schedule our time and how we show up in our lives. If we’re giving ourselves scraps, we will be getting scraps from others. As you can imagine, there’s a negative spider web effect that occurs when we deny our needs by people pleasing, having none or weak boundaries and exhausting ourselves because of what we’ve convinced ourselves we “should” do.
First, let’s clear up what saying “No” is not.
For some, saying “No” tends to feel rejecting, rude, not trying hard enough, is selfish, etc. These are some of the validations that keep us saying “Yes” to things that overload our schedules. Needless to say, this negative take on what “No” is, is so far from the truth. Saying “No” is actually extremely empowering, respectful, clear, strong, wise, courageous and important if we want to live a life full of consideration of what’s important to us.
If we get in the habit of continually saying “Yes,” we’ll begin to ignore the sensor going off within that’s trying to signal toward our truth. Ignoring this inner mechanism time and time again will result in a disconnect from having any sort of knowing of what’s a green light and what’s a red light internally. This is how we become misdirected and lost.
To make it clear & simple, “No” is actually a clear, amazing boundary.
It’s not a negative; It’s a necessary. Especially, if you’re going to honor what’s a fit for you in this life.
Saying “No” is one of the most important skills that you can learn. It’s the phrase that’s going to allow you to prioritize what’s important to you. If you say “Yes” to everything, what’s significant to you will get only scraps of your time. This is where problems arise, my friends.
Just to clarify, I’m all for saying “Yes” to those things that are going to help you learn, grow and encourage you to expand. I’m. All. For. It. There’s absolutely a time to say “I’m going for it” and take the leap.
However, it’s essential to protect the energy and time that you only have so much of in a day. In order to protect the limited daily supply of your energy you have to prioritize what’s significant to you, which will require you to say “No” to some people and experiences.
Wait for it… Even the ones you really want to par take in. Taking good care of yourself sometimes means saying “NO” to people and experiences that you want to show up for, but simply don’t have the mental capacity or the physical time for. This is where the concepts of prioritizing and acceptance kicks in. Acceptance that you can’t be in three places at once and that there’s only so much energy that you can expend in a day before you’re burnt out.
Now let’s get into some clear tips to help you say “No” with more confidence, assertiveness and peace in your heart.
Ready, set; Let’s do this.
Tip #1 Accept That Some People Are Going To Dislike Your “No”
I don’t think any of us will be able to escape the reality that there will be people in our world who want us to do what they want us to do. (Did you get that? People who WANT WHAT THEY WANT. NOT PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BEST FOR US.) Please get clear on deciphering this difference within your relationships.
When we say “No” to the relationships that are used to us bending for them by saying “Yes,” we’ll likely face a challenge. This challenge usually comes in the form of what I’ll call “kick back” reactions. “Kick back” meaning reactions like passive aggressive comments, irritated moods, silent treatments, ghosting on texts, ignoring behaviors, etc. (You know, all those warm & fuzzy, feel good behaviors to be on the other end of; Kidding. )
We can face these “kick back” reactions by accepting the truth of the matter here. Instead of being so scared about witnessing a negative reaction from a friend or loved one, PLEASE take note of it. I want YOU to see and experience the reality of what you’re signing up for when you choose to be on the receiving end of any relationship. Your relationship world will become much more rich when you begin to say “Yes” to your needs and “No” to what others want from you. You will organically be bringing the well intended relationships toward you and be pushing the one’s with selfish intentions away. YAY!
People who are used to us saying “Yes” all the time, will be taken back when we introduce boundaries into the relationship. Some relationships will reconfigure and find a happy medium, while others might dissipate as the relationship could only BE if we deny our needs. (No Thank You.) This truth can be really hard to swallow. Make sure you have the support you need, especially if the relationship in question is a pivotal relationship that has a lot of emotional strings attached. (Like mom or best friend, etc)
The good news is that if you hold your boundaries, your relationships will be better for it. This, in turn, will greatly improve your life as it weeds out people who aren’t there for your best interest and allows you to carry on honoring your badass self. Cheers to that.
Tip # 2 Accept That You’re Going To Miss Out On Some Things
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re consequently saying “Yes” to something else that you might not be able to foresee. For example, have you ever been really bummed out that you couldn’t make the trip or go to the thing and then when the day rolled around some other amazing opportunity popped into your life? Whether you have experienced this or not, please realize that life is full of unexpected goodies if you allow the space and time for the unknown.
When you say “No,” you’re allowing more time and space for organic opportunities and “life itself “to play out without your interception. This is when things can get really interesting.
Tip #3 Learn the Art of Discernment
The tricky part of saying “No” is when you actually really want to say “Yes.” Sometimes, in order to honor your values and what’s significant to you, you will have to say “No.” There will be times, maybe few and far between, where you have a road in front of you with two choices. One choice will compromise your values, morals and what makes you feel good about yourself. The other choice will represent the opportunity for you to continue honoring your best interest, which usually spills over to the best interest of the ones you love. Some opportunities will challenge your character by presenting temptation that will take you off course if you allow it to.
I’m speaking to alluring situations that you might instinctively want to grab onto because they will look shiny, be attractive and filled with temptation. Maybe this means saying “No” to the attractive co-worker because you’re committed to your marriage and want to honor your vows. Maybe this means saying “No” to the adventurous friends trip to Mexico because it falls over your Mom’s birthday and it’s important for you to honor her by showing up on that very day.
Temptation can really challenge the inner moral compass if we’re not straight with our values. However, if you take the time to center, get quiet and truly evaluate what’s important to you in this life, the struggle will not be so intense because of the clarity that you pre established for what’s true for you. Using discernment to make good decisions will help you hold close what really matters. Your discernment and clarity will help you in tricky situations that life will throw at you on a small or large scale.
Tip #4 Literally, How to Say No
If the actual act of having a conversation where you enforce a boundary by saying “No” is your personal hold up, this final tip is for you. What I can say with confidence about anything that’s uncomfortable in this life, is that if you keep facing the discomfort and practicing getting through it, the intimidation factor of anything will lessen over time.
It. Just. Will.
I know that’s hard to believe about a present topic that makes your skin crawl with discomfort, but it’s true. Courage to face the discomfort of anything paired with an action to handle something differently is the formula for change. If you keep practicing saying “No,” it will become more natural and easier for you to do with time. It’s just like learning to ride a bike. It feels like the most awkward thing at first and eventually, if you keep at it, you’ll be able to pop on one without a thought.
Here are some clear ways to verbally say “No” with kindness:
Thank you so much for the invite, but I’m going to have to pass….have a blast!
I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not going to be able to make it….have fun!
There’s one key thing here that I want you to soak in: There’s no need for any wordy explanations here that some of us might feel obligated to give.
Usually that “obligation” to over explain is driven by our guilt and anxiety. (Friends; that’s OUR guilt and anxiety to work through individually and privately. There’s no need to bring that to the other person.) If this is your personal struggle, do your best to refrain from over explaining.
Also, you don’t need to have something else going on or scheduled in order to give yourself permission to say “No” to an invite from another. You could just say “No.” Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that blowing your mind? You can say “No” in order to stay home and read a book or go to a yoga class. You can say “No” because you just feel like it and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t owe someone a long and twisted reason why you can’t come. Again, the instinctual want to over explain to the invitee is usually driven by your guilt and shame of feeling like you “should” go or please that other. No need for any of this friends.
I wanted to keep this short and sweet. If you take away anything from this post, my overall message is that saying “No” represents you honoring and respecting yourself. There’s an art involved in creating your reality with voicing intentional “No’s” and “Yes’s.”Only you have the inner knowing of what’s the right move to take given the opportunity in front of you. Learn to listen to what’s right for you by giving yourself time and space. Learn to trust yourself by making healthy and balanced decisions that honor your self respect.
Keep close to your heart what’s important to you and that will help you navigate the decisions that are constantly coming your way. Remember that saying “No” is incredibly self honoring and reflects the self respect that you hold. Treasure that self respect. It’s the most important thing that you’ve got!
Cheers! Much love friends.
*Image by San Diego based photographer, Ashley WIlliams.
Reality Check (Tips to Center You on the Truth)
One of our biggest set back’s as humans is getting fooled by and caught up in our version of reality (our “story”) vs. actual reality (the “truth.”)
One of the consistent issues that I see with people (yes, I do this too) is how we can get caught up in stories and assumptions about others and our life events that simply aren’t true. We stress out, get emotional, panic and have anxiety about things that, you guessed it, that aren’t true.
It’s like waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and having to slap yourself back into consciousness while convincing yourself that your dream was “just a dream.” It wasn’t real; it was just a nightmare of your fear coming to life.
When we continuously twist facts into stories we begin to confuse what’s real and what’s false. This is so because as our stories catch momentum, they become incredibly believable. As we whirl in the confusion of being unable to decipher facts from stories, we end up responding based on the story of what we believe to be happening vs. what’s really happening.
As you could’ve guessed it, this is where problems arise.
Are you with me? I hope so. Let’s continue.
It’s like getting really fired up about the friend whose late because you’re in your head (your story) about how they "don’t value your time.” (Assumption and potential “false belief”) Come to find out that they were in a car accident on the way to your house, which is why they were late.
The point of the above example is to show how we can be so convinced that we “know” what’s going on in a situation or with a person. I’ve seen clients in tears and at rock bottom emotionally over a situation that simply wasn’t true. It’s important, even when we think we know, to take a step back until we are solid about the facts of any given situation.
Let’s answer these questions:
How do I identify a story?
How do I know what’s true and what’s a made up projection of my fear?
I got you. Here are some tips around how to identify stories from facts.
Stories usually start with:
I think that…..
He/She probably…..
He/she must have……..
I bet that……..
If you take a hot minute to check out the semantics of the above phrases, they all present as assumptions. Becoming more savvy at separating facts from assumptions will help you greatly. Facts are, well facts. There’s no room for a story with facts. They tend to be shorter semantically. They tend to sound less exciting (unless you put story to them.)
However you’re twisting and turning your life events is going to dictate your reality. It’s not so much about what happens to you in your life, it’s more about your response to it.
I understand how that can raise some red flags…”Kim, what do you mean it doesn’t matter what happens? Of course it does!”
Hear me out, friend.
YES, what you do and what happens matters in terms of the fact that it’s going to affect you. Life events can teach you, shape you, push you down or help you grow. Where what happens to you takes you has a lot to do with you and this is the really important piece to focus on here.
Two people can experience the same exact event and one can go down hill and lose their sense of worth, while another person can find a silver lining and evolve into a better person.
This proves that we do have control around how our life events shape us and define us. We’re not victims to our lives, unless we make that so. Although, I know that it can really feeeeeeeeeeel like it sometimes, especially when circumstances are difficult to wrap our heads around. It’s hard not to feel like a victim when life really dishes you a tough serve, which is where the work is.
I know I’ve watched a man lose his wife of 40 plus years, (the love of his life, mind you) grieve, move forward and create another love story for himself. I’ve also watched a woman lose her childhood sweetheart and “that was that” for her in terms of a love life. Similar realities and completely different outcomes.
I’ve see people who have come from amazing families and opportunities that are struggling to find happiness, meaning, purpose, and a desire to keep on going.
I’ve seen people come from abuse, families with little support and validation, which, ironically, happened to be the key ingredient which allowed them to grow and evolve beyond. Of course there are situations that turn out differently, it’s not black and white. My point is that we’re more in control by deciding what to do with our circumstances rather than by what happens to us.
This is good news, but some of us sink in it because it requires us to own our circumstances. Meaning, take responsibility for our own choices and make decisions for our own life. This can be really challenging when we feel stuck. When we feel lost in all the choices.
Haven’t you ever wanted someone to just do it or figure it out for you? I know I have. I’ve noticed that this feeling is most apparent with the more lost, confused and helpless I feel. It’s that “help me!” feeling.
As I’ve said it before and will keep saying it, nobody and nothing from the outside has your answer. When confusion is over taking you, it’s time to get quiet and dig deep within.
To sum this little ditty up, I’m going to remind you to practice focusing on facts. Every time your clever little mind wants to create some interesting, tangled version of the truth, please grab the reins and pull that brain of yours back to the facts of any given situation.
A fact is a fact. It’s simple. It’s clear. It’s often not “wordy.” Living a life where you’re rooted in the truth of what’s occurring around you and to you will help you make better decisions in your life as it allows you to see more clearly.
As always, if you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate you.
Never hesitate to send me a DM on instagram for topic suggestions or just to say hello! My INSTAGRAM
Also, if you haven’t yet, feel free to check out my YOUTUBE channel. I’m working on videos and content that will be helpful for you. Feel free to let me know if there’s a particular issue/topic that you would like to hear more about.
Cheers!
*Above image is by Renata Amazonas, photographer and creator of @honeyandgarden.
6 Signs That Your Disconnected from Your Body, Mind & Spirit
In a world that’s turning so quickly around us, it’s becoming more common to subconsciously disconnect from our mind, body & soul.
What’s the mind, body & soul connection all about?
This connection points to how our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes, combined with our level of awareness, effect our physical and mental functioning. If this connection is lost or imbalanced it’s only a matter of time that issues will present.
My intention with this post is to help you identify symptoms of a mind, body & spirit disconnection while offering tips toward reconnection so you can function with all systems firing to their best ability.
Below, find 6 symptoms of disconnect from the mind, body & soul.
MIND & SPIRIT
1. Inability to connect with and understand your emotional state
In a nutshell, when we’re disconnected from our mind, body & spirit, our ability to feel and name our emotions is compromised. This is a result of being “unrooted” and detached from our emotions. Experiencing symptoms such as fatigue, anxiety or stress without awareness as to why is an example of this disconnection.
I’ve come across clients who’ve told me that they’re “fine,” yet are experiencing debilitating panic attacks and have “no clue why.” There’s a lot going on physically and a lot brewing emotionally by the time an individual is experiencing physical symptoms, such as panic attacks. When there’s a severe disconnection within your emotional space, there tends to be a mismatch between your affect and any given emotional situation. For example, you might find yourself laughing when it would make more sense to cry.
Our body is designed to warn us of danger via our physical and mental health symptoms. *Usually unresolved emotions are the culprit for our disconnect and distressed symptoms. There’s a lot that we can miss when the synergy between body, mind & spirit is out of tune.
2. Making lots of plans without considering your mood, how you feel and what’s already on the agenda.
Over planning and chronic busyness tends to correlate with a disconnected mind/body. When we’re going too fast via over planning, we’re missing the moments to breath, observe, listen to our body and feel our emotions.
This is exactly why some of us go the route of over planning. It’s a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions that we don’t want to look at.
The truth is that avoidance is a bandaid solution. Avoiding anything doesn’t make it go away. Avoidance encourages and allows any matter the space to become bigger, which will eventually manifest negatively in other ways. If you avoid the fact that there’s a fire in the corner of the room, it will eventually take the house down.
3. Putting too much emphasis on performance while shaming yourself if you don’t accomplish what you set out for.
Plans can be enormously helpful to structure our days and get things done. Although, there’s such a thing as “over planning” and that’s what I’m speaking to with this point. What you can’t plan is how your mind and body are going to feel on any particular day. “Pushing” yourself to do “the plan” vs. checking in with how you feel physically and mentally can, overtime, create a disconnect. Bringing in concepts such as flexibility while being open to shifting plans based on how you feel physically and emotionally is a way of taking good care of yourself.
BODY
4. Hyper focus on how you think your body should look vs. accepting your natural set point.
I’ve seen people go to extremes in order to fit a square peg into a round hole when it comes to their physicality. This can look like over exercise, rigid dieting, critical self talk, body dysmorphia, eating disorders and so much more.
Whenever we’re in resistance to “what is,” we’re fighting an upstream battle, my friends. We all know that the journey upstream requires way more effort and energy than going with the natural, downward flow. Finding acceptance around where your body naturally wants to be (it’s set point) is the path toward more inner peace.
5. Following strict diets and self imposed rules around food even when cravings or intuition is communicating something different.
Ignoring our inner intuition conditions our automatic pilot response. Over time this leads to conflict between body & mind. Our bodies are designed to “speak” to us via our physical sensations, symptoms, intuition, cravings, moods and emotions. Strict, inflexible pre planned diets tend to strip us of the connection with our physical intuition by encouraging us to look outward for an answer to an inner question. (*Note: Always be mindful of looking for any of your answers externally.) This continuous act of following a script about what to eat disconnects us further and further from what we personally enjoy and what feels good to our unique bodies.
Questioning, “What do I feel like this morning for breakfast” vs. following a pre planned meal schedule are very different ways to connect with your mind, body & spirit.
*I understand that having structure & guidance around food choices can be helpful and important. The key word here to be mindful of is “strict.” Finding flexibility within any sort of structure enables you to keep your intuition alive and is highly encouraged.
6. A focus on numbers rather than how you feel.
Calorie counting, amount of steps taken, number of calories burned, obsessively logging the minutes or hours exercising, etc. There are so many gadgets and ways to measure a variety of analytics these days. I’m not hating on these gadgets if you use them FOR you and not AGAINST you. If these measures and stats are supporting you in a healthy way, carry on, although keep an eye out for becoming too focused and dependent on “the numbers.”
In the long run, what your whoop or apple watch says vs. listening to your body in order to pay attention to how you feel are very different concepts. Creating a dependency on something other than yourself to tell you how much to push yourself physically can create a questionable dynamic.
I’m all for a device that motivates you, up levels your performance and helps you feel good about your physical activity. I’m not devaluing these devices, rather, I’m pointing toward the importance of keeping your mind / body connection strong by acknowledging your own “stats” via paying attention to how you feel.
Like all things be mindful of balance. In the case of analytics around your health, how you feel and what the stats say should align if all is running smoothly. Bottom line: Your intimate experience of what it feels like to be in your body cannot be replaced by anything. Nada. Nothing…when you’re in tune.
Why does a mind, body & spirit disconnect occur?
For the purpose of answering this question, I’m going to decipher between the “issues” that we face in life as either “root” issues or “surface” issues. It’s common for us humans to find “bandaid solutions” for our life issues when those matters are difficult to face. Our deeply buried “root” issues (the hard emotional circumstances hidden deep) are uncomfortable and, at times, intolerable to face and talk about. So much so, that some of us never face them in a lifetime. Whatever we’re avoiding in life doesn’t go away. It builds silently and becomes heavy weight within our body & soul and chips away at the joy within our lives.
The pressures, perfectionism and critical self talk that keep us so structured and “in control” usually stem from deep rooted unresolved emotions and experiences that we’ve neglected. Overtime, you guessed it, the lack of dealing with our “stuff” causes a disconnect within our mind, body & soul. With that said, there’s so much more to get into with the topic of “root issues” as it’s a vast and so personal to each individual.
*If you feel like you want to dive deeper and face these “root” issues, it could be important to talk to a trusted source or licensed professional to help you through your process. Feel free to contact me for resources, etc. (via email, DM, phone, what have you.)
How do I reconnect with my body, mind & spirit?
Spending energy facing and acknowledging a disconnect is half the battle. Awareness is key, right?
Once we’re aware that something is not properly functioning, that’s the point where we can work toward a shift. Cultivating our awareness to seek out solutions to guide us through our issues begins the reconnection process.
In short, evaluating the behaviors that are not “serving” us while working toward weeding them out of our lifestyle is the first step. As we eliminate habits in our life that we’ve evaluated as “not needed” we then can begin to add in behaviors that are different, new and appear to have potential for our well being.
1. Evaluate what’s not working
2.Stop doing what’s not working
3.Replace what’s not working with a new behavior
This is a mini run down on the “letting go” process that’s essential when looking for positive change. This might mean less late nights and more early mornings for self care. This might mean less over planning and more time for self centering habits. It’s going to be a unique set of habits and behaviors to release and add in according to where you’re at and who you desire to become that will bring change to your life.
If anything, I hope that this post acts as a friendly reminder for you to pay attention to your physical symptoms and emotions. After all, your ability to translate what your symptoms, moods and emotions are saying allows you to strengthen and become more aware of what’s occurring beneath the surface.
Like so many of the topics that I write about, there’s so much more to them beyond a quick blog post. Looking at root issues and letting go of destructive habits is a process that takes time and might need to be supported with a professional.
I want to honor that my therapeutic approach is not for all. If this is the case for you, here’s a link from a post that I wrote about How To Find the “Right” Therapist For You.
Don’t hesitate to reach out with any further questions or comments; They’re always welcome. Cheers.
*Image by Photographer & creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas
In a Relationship Where You're Both Depressed? (Tips on How to Cope)
Depression is a state that effects many, although what is one supposed to do when that depression is the third party in a romantic relationship? They say, three’s a crowd, right? Depression is not a fun friend to have when your intention is to be in a healthy, positive and loving partnership.
I recently contributed to a MINDBODYGREEN article, one of my go to health & wellness blogs, on this very topic. Click the link below to read the full post.
Featured on MINDBODYGREEN BLOG
*Image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Let Go and Move On
A common way that we can get stuck in our lives is by investing in the illusion that the past “should’ve or could’ve” been different. Any time that we’re resisting what IS, we will feel stuck on some level. Although it can be difficult to do, chances are that you will find clarity and an unfolding of an answer by letting go.
Letting go of trying so hard. Letting go of the negative stories that are racing around and around in your head. Letting go of what you can’t control.
Just. Let. Go.
There may be many different stories, beliefs and ways of seeing things for you to let go of. In that case, a great place to start is with allowing the past to be exactly as it was; for worse or for better. Life will present us with all kinds of contrast, therefore if we continue to believe that circumstances “should of” and “could of” been different, we will be chronically stuck.
Let go of the illusion that life could have been any different. To free yourself from the past, believe that everything is happening in divine order. The past was and the present is as it should be.
Freedom and peace will come when we allow everything that has happened to just BE. Where we can focus our energy is on what we can create as the journey ahead of us unfolds. By taking inspired action and focusing on what we can do, little by little we will be led toward shift and change.
Cheers today to letting go. Sending good vibes your way as you move forward and create the change and shift you desire by letting go.
*Image above by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson
The Art of Letting Go
As much as I believe in talking something out, I also believe that there’s a time and place where, in order to stay balanced and healthy, a pestering issue needs to be laid to rest. Overly talking about and ruminating over an issue, can easily become more the issue. Meaning, too much attention on the perceived problem becomes the problem itself. Trying to figure out the problem. Trying to understand the problem. Worrying about the problem. Talking in circles about the problem.
This bad habit causes suffering and leads to absolutely nowhere.
Being a natural over analyzer myself, I’ve personally found that after enough healthy introspection has been done around a specific issue, turning toward what’s light, inspiring and fun is an important step toward moving beyond something. When you’re going through something difficult, you have to be reminded that there’s joy on the other side of the issue. You need proof that you can feel good again. You can only find this proof when you allow yourself to be in the space outside the worry.
The other day, I randomly grabbed a magazine to read at the local library. I happened to turn right to an article that impacted me and was the source of inspiration for this blog. It was titled, It’s Time to Graduate From Self-Defeating Habits and Begin Your Glorious Future, by Martha Beck. I thought about the glorious future that I’m going toward and decided to read on.
I loved the simplicity of the author’s message when advising about how to get over a hardship. It was free of any sort of psychoanalysis and headiness, which is an approach that I very much appreciate and believe in as a therapist myself.
Here’s what she said:
“I want you to pick a day when you’ll be over this. It can be in a week or a year, but that will be your graduation day. Once it comes, you’re done with this subject.”
That’s right. Just decide and accept that “it’s done” and let it go. Graduate from the burden of your worry and just decide it’s beyond you. Hell yes! Process your stuff. Feel the emotions and then, please, learn to put it behind you.
Believe me, I get the “How the hell do you even do that? How do you let something go that was so significant, hurtful and the source of so much pain?” I write this post with conviction because (I was-SLASH- can still be) the girl that struggles to let a painful hurt go. It’s been one of my major life lessons that I continue to hone.
With no clue of how to let something go in my past, my over thinking and circling around a painful topic in conversations with friends or in my own head became more my issue. The issue wasn’t what had happened that initially caused me pain, it was how I was coping with it. Attempting to move forward while bringing my past crap into the present put a residue on every new situation. For example, when on a date with a hot new man, it was too bad that all I could think about was my hurt from my past relationship that was also on the date with us. A total set up for a crash and burn outcome. It was like carrying around stinky laundry everywhere I went. I freshened up all I could, but no matter how cleaned up I became, I always had the stink of my past with me. It put a damper on every new possibility.
To give you a picture of my inability to “let pain go,” I remember feeling really pissed off when friends changed the subject on my pain or didn’t hold the space for me to talk about it for the 100th time. I was convinced that, “They don’t care” or “They don’t get it.” Now, if this response from my people occurred when I initially went to them to seek support, these thoughts would have had more validity. However, after months and years of struggling with being caught in my own head, I see how their lack of attention to my perpetual need to talk about what had happened was their loving attempt to help me move forward. They didn’t want to give my obsessive thoughts more energy.
We have all experienced the person who appears to be continually stuck on something or someone. I’m all for processing through an issue so it can sit somewhere within that is more settled, although there’s a tipping point where there’s no more to say or do and it’s time to let go.
Think about what you’re still holding onto and pick a graduation day. Commit in your heart that when this day comes you will be graduated from this problem, meaning it will be officially behind you. The cool concept about graduation is that when you graduate from something, there’s no going back.
“We graduate every time we step forward without moving back.”
You can’t go back to high school because you have already graduated. You can’t redo something that’s done. So be done. Do what you need to do to work through your emotions and give yourself a specific date for the issue to be put in the past with the door firmly, yet comfortably closed. You deserve to walk into your future with light and love in your heart. In order to do this you need to free yourself of the heavy pains and burdens that you’re carrying with you into your future. It’s shading your light.
Free yourself friends by letting go. Your life will improve if you do so.
Above image is by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.