Resentment (How it's Wrecking Havoc in Your Relationships & Life)
“If you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time.”
-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now
Easier said than done, I know, yet doing our best to work through feelings of ill will toward another will keep our minds and bodies clear of emotional residue.
Allowing our negative feelings to build up over time to the point where we’re holding grudges toward others and imprisoned in feelings of anger and resentment can have a severe and negative impact on our lives.
Resentment can change and taint us if left unaddressed. It’s the silent killer of relationships as passive aggressive comments and stewing negative emotions cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of while causing strain in our relationship world.
Resentment can cause us to see through distorted negative lenses, leading us to read others intentions inaccurately, which impacts us from deeply and authentically connecting.
Every time we stew in our frustrations, irritations and general negative emotions without resolve; we become more disconnected from the truth of who we are. As we get further away from our truth; we lose our ability to function in a healthy way and everything gets complicated from there.
To say it boldly and clearly, enough resentment will slowly kill your relationships and chip away at your self worth, essence and presence if it gets deep enough.
Let’s avoid this spiderweb effect; shall we? Let’s get into how to recognize, acknowledge & cope with resentment so we can remain healthy & well despite life’s challenges.
What Causes Resentment
Resentment can present any time when we feel like we’ve been wronged. This could look like being taken advantage of, not being treated with respect, or not feeling heard or validated.
Resentment can accumulate over little moments and comments that remain unaddressed and build up over time. It can also show up within a singular, defining event or situation where we feel undervalued, mistreated or dismissed.
examples of situations that can cause resentment
Feeling taken advantage of
Being dismissed, ignored, overlooked or devalued
Feeling disrespected
Having unrealistic expectations about others or the world
Maintaining relationships with people who consistently put their needs before yours (without consideration of your needs.)
Being around people who undermine your authority or ability
Signs You’re Carrying Resentment
Feeling anxiety, tense and discomfort when you’re around the person you believe treated you unjustly
Avoiding conflict or interaction with any persons attached to your feelings of resentment
Obsessive overthinking about the person, the incident or interaction that you hold resentment for
Talking negatively to others about the person you have resentment for
Ignoring, avoiding or not admitting the pain around the situation or person causing your resentful feelings.
Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the person you feel resentment toward
Feelings Associated With Resentment
lethargy, sadness, depleted energy
Disappointment
Anger & frustration
Hostile, bitter or revengeful emotions
Fear
Blame or self-blame
shame or guilt
Feeling unworthy, or generally dismissed and undervalued
Regret
Using resentment to avoid dealing with a person or situation that we hold resentment for can come out in self sabotaging, sneaky ways. Here are some ways that we can use resentment to avoid dealing with conflict directly.
Resentment Can Be Used To:
Self Protect; protecting yourself from being vulnerable and “being hurt again”
To feel “in control”
Avoid addressing the inward and deeper rooted issues within yourself or with the other person
Avoid difficult conversations and potential conflict
Avoid self responsibility
Avoid dealing with the situation
Key Steps to Address Resentment
If you are not a newbie to the world of self development, then you’re familiar with the saying that “awareness is key.” Having the awareness that what you are experiencing is, in fact, resentment, can direct you toward how to work through it.
key steps toward working through resentment
Identify the root cause
Self reflect on the situation that triggered your resentment and work toward understanding what specifically caused you to feel this way.Acknowledge & allow yourself to feel your emotions
Avoiding feeling difficult emotions is how they can build up and, potentially, turn into a mound of resentment. Don't suppress your feelings. Accept that you’re feeling resentful and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully in order for them to be processed and pass.(more on how to feel difficult emotions here.)
See it from a different angle
Having an open mind is one of the most beneficial tools that you can cultivate. Being open minded allows you to consider life from different perspectives. This will help you move through difficult situations with an ability to heal and move forward without latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms or negative perspectives. Always ask yourself if you can try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This question can help remove any blind spots or offer a different way of seeing a situation that can potentially change your feelings around it.
Remember that you don’t have to agree with someone to dissolve conflict and move forward.
Forgive
Practicing forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness for others is a practice. Forgiveness always, first and foremost, is for you. I know that this is counter intuitive to some, however, releasing yourself from resentment, revengeful and hateful feelings is, ultimately, for you my friend. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, finding a perspective or lesson in the pain is how you can move toward acceptance. Eventually and in due time, making peace with what happened will increase your sense of general well-being.
Communicate respectfully, directly and openly
It’s amazing what some of us will do to avoid talking about the problem with the person who we have a problem with.We will spend hours thinking about it, stewing on it, talking to others about it; all actions that can actually brew more resentment. Save hours, months and years from your life by learning about Healthy conflict resolution. Knowing how to address conflict is a key life tool that will benefit you and all of your relationships greatly.
Establish boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to yourself, your relationships and how you live your life is a game changer. Sometimes we hold resentment toward others because they took advantage of the fact that we didn’t have good boundaries ourselves.We can spend countless hours pointing the finger at them; or we can look to ourselves and what we can control, which is tightening up our ability to have healthy boundaries.
*Note to self- It’s important to be respectful of ourselves in order to get the respect that we desire from others.
Focus on the now
Nothing good will ever come from dwelling on the past. Usually, an inability to get your mind out of the past is a sign that your current life situation is underwhelming you. Work on shifting your focus to positive aspects of your life now or start making small changes to help move your life forward.Lead with self compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism is not a healthy, long term solution. Holding onto external resentment gets in the way of you having a loving and healthy relationship with yourself. What we put “out there” in this world will always be reflected back to us in some way, shape or form. Having a loving relationship with ourself and leading with that will help us work through and dissolve our resentful emotions.
As with all self development topics; everything is connected. This is why I like to focus on whole body wellness. Resentment not only lives in the mind, it also manifests into physical symptoms overtime within the body.
I’ve seen resentment manifest into chronic illness. I’ve seen it destroy relationships. I’ve seen it kill hope.
My hope is for this post to strategically guide you through some actionable steps to address any negative, deep rooted and painful feelings that you may not know how to cope with so you can healthfully move on.
Thank you for being here. One step at a time. Change often involves doing something small and different, day after day. If you don’t know where to aim; focus on little shifts-one micro shift of change at a time.
An Invitation For You
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*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Healing Through Whole Body Wellness (Mental Health & The Mind/Body Connection)
In order to decipher what the root issue may be when it comes to your mental health, I believe that establishing & maintaining a wellness lifestyle is a huge key step toward whole body wellness. In this article I’m going to focus on the facts of how interconnected our bodies and minds are and how that affects our mental health.
What is whole body wellness?
Healing through whole body wellness involves root issue, whole healing; it’s looking at all aspects of you as a person.
It’s not a quick fix. It’s not a two week diet; it’s about creating a positive, wellness lifestyle that sets the platform for a solid foundation for you to have positive ability to work through all the events, circumstances & issues that life presents. It’s designing and teaching a lifestyle to continually condition your body & mind for strength and wellness.
As I see it, we are innately designed to be aligned, in balance with and connected with our mind/ body / soul.
What happens all too often is we get pulled and disconnected from our mind / body by distraction, unhealthy influence, gimmicks and gadgets that promise us a quick fix and soon enough we’re completely detached and unaware of what our bodies need & want.
Whole body wellness in terms of mental health, is using the body and it’s messages (symptoms) to help you identify and address your mental health issues.
What does living a whole body wellness lifestyle mean?
I believe that being a cohesively whole & healthy person involves tending to all aspects of our health: our minds, our bodies, our spirit. A lifestyle of wellness considers all of these aspects. Therefore, how you live your life and the choices that you make for yourself, both big and small, align with the desire to live a well & balanced life.
HOW OUR BODIES SPEAK TO US
Our physical bodies are always trying to get our attention by sending us messages via our physical symptoms. This can be as basic as the feeling of physical thirst; the feeling of being thirsty is your body signaling to you that it needs water. As basic as this sounds, I can’t tell you how many smart, successful and well intended people I’ve witnessed end up in the emergency room because they were dehydrated.
Point being: It’s amazing how disconnected we can become from the messages that our bodies are telling us.
Here are some examples of what particular mental states will do to our physical body:
when we’re anxious we can will physically feel: a fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, upset stomach, digestive issues, sweating.
when we’re overworked we can physically experience symptoms such as: exhaustion, insomnia, muscle soreness, headaches, fatigue.
when we’re stressed we can physically experience skin issues like hives or itching, hair loss (long term), sore eyes, trouble sleeping, weakened immune system, digestive issues, chest pain, etc.
This shows how our bodies act as our personal alarm systems; our job is to decode what our symptoms are communicating to us.
A great question to ask when you experience a physical symptom is:
What is my body trying to tell me?
As we learn to take care of our physical bodies well, while also learning how to decode it’s messages; we will reconnect our body / mind.
THE MIND BODY DISCONNECT
It happens all too often when a client reaches out and explains that they are depressed. They usually tell me how they’re experiencing symptoms such as: restless sleep, headaches, fatigue, low mood and lack of motivation.
On the surface, this sounds like depression, right?
Well………
As I dig a bit further with questions around their physical health, I often discover that they:
“usually” fall asleep around 12-3am
eat poorly
never exercise
often forget to drink enough water
drink alcohol several days a week
are hooked to some bad habits such as overconsumption of screen time and social media
This information suddenly shifts my focus toward my clients basic self care habits. My job becomes about helping my client to physically regulate by supporting them in creating a wellness routine in order to weed out what could be going on with them mental health wise.
A lot of depressive symptoms mimic the symptoms that physically appear when we live a lifestyle of non movement & poor eating, self care & sleeping habits.
Without a healthy physical foundation to help ground and provide the kind of positive structure we all need to show up balanced and well; any sort of attempt to address any mental health issues becomes more difficult.
I’ve found that some symptoms that seem like there strictly mental health symptoms can be addressed and cleared at times with an intentional shift to create a wellness lifestyle.
(What I’m saying is that your chances of improving your mental health is aligned with how you look after your physical health; that is the notion behind whole health healing.)
Here are some physical symptoms that can be caused by a poor diet and lack of exercise:
Moodiness
A lack of protein can lead to low levels of dopamine and serotonin, which can cause symptoms of depression or aggression.Sleep disturbances
Caloric restriction or poor diet can disrupt sleep, causing difficulty falling asleep, and sleep interruptions.Weakened immune system
Not getting enough nutrients can make it harder for your immune system to fight infections, which can lead to frequent illness or illnesses that linger.Stiff joints
Under use of your joints can cause them to stiffen.Breathlessness
Without regular exercise the muscles that help your lungs move in and out become weak, leading to breathlessness.Low energy
Exercise helps deliver oxygen and nutrients to your tissues, not exercising your body results in low energy levels.High blood pressure
Not exercising and eating unwell can increase your risk of heart disease.Constipation
Poor diet and lack of exercise are common causes of constipation.Oral health issues
An over abundance of sugar in your diet can cause cavities, and not getting enough vitamin C can cause swollen or bleeding gums.Reproductive difficulties
When your body is not getting adequate nutrition, it prioritizes processes such as breathing and blood circulation over sex hormone production. This can reduce your sex drive and interrupt reproductive processes.
Here are some physical symptoms that can be caused by symptoms of depression:
Low Mood
Feeling chronically sad, anxious, numbed out or empty. You may also feel hopeless, pessimistic, or irritable.Loss of Interest
You may lose interest in activities that you used to enjoy. Experiencing a general loss of pleasure is common with depression.Sleep
You may have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, wake up too early, or sleep too much.Low Energy
You may feel tired or have a lack of energy, even after getting a good amount of sleep.Poor Concentration
You may have trouble concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions.Appetite
You may eat more or less than usual, or have no appetite.Pain
You may experience aches, pains, headaches, or stomach problems that don't improve with treatment.Thoughts
You may feel guilty, worthless, or helpless. You may also have thoughts of self harm or suicide.
How It’s All Connected : The Body / Mind Connect
As you can see many of the symptoms that are due to a poor wellness lifestyle mimic the symptoms of depression. There’s also the overlap of when you’re feeling depressed you don’t have the desire to do healthy, positive things for yourself.
So, is it the chicken or the egg? Did your poor physical health lead to your depression? Or did the depression lead to your poor physical health and unhealthy lifestyle? Sooner or later one is going to align with the other and cause negative consequences.
In order to understand what’s going on for you physically and mentally; establishing, maintaining and living a healthy wellness lifestyle is what’s going to help you uncover the potential mental health conditions that could be buried under the physical health symptoms.
Starting with what you can control such as what you eat, how much you sleep, how much you exercise, how much water or alcohol you drink; these are “the basics” that often go under acknowledged when it comes to looking at mental health.
Once your basics are more regulated you might find some relief of symptoms. This in itself can provide you with the needed motivation and energy to tend to your mental health issues.
Also, let’s say that after you’ve created and maintained a positive wellness routine for some time; you’re still having mental health and physical issues. If this is the case, continuing to weed out other possible physical causes of any symptoms is another suggested place to look for some answers.
*Making an appointment with your medical doctor to discover and address any physical aliments is a good way to continue to explore what can be lying underneath your mental health issues.
As your physical health becomes stabilized, that sets a great foundation to clearly be able to see what’s going on with your mental health. Looking into your mental health history entails identifying any past pains, hurts or events where there may be stagnant and unprocessed feelings, emotions, trauma, resistance or pain.
Ultimately, once something within us or something that happened to us is acknowledged, we can then work toward healing, acceptance and letting go.
MIND / BODY / SOUL HEALING
MIND
what therapy can do: (mind healing)
Therapy can teach healthy coping strategies, conflict resolution & communication skills. Generally speaking therapy can help a client identify, process & heal any underlying issues that may be contributing to symptoms of decreased mental health. Obviously there’s a lot more to it; but having a space that validates, hears you, supports and is a safe space for you to unpack difficult emotions and events can be extremely healing with the right person.
Therapy and the mind / body connection:
Somatic therapy involves looking to the body to help identify trapped or repressed emotions and through body work, breath work, attention to sensations and visualizations, these practices helps to “push them through.” Somatic therapy works to dissolve unprocessed emotions by identifying, acknowledging, addressing and helping the client find acceptance for any unhealed emotions. Somatic Experiencing is a type of therapy that is used to help treat trauma via exploring the mind / body connection.
BODY
what movement can do: (body healing)
Energy: exercise helps deliver oxygen and nutrients to our tissues, leading to an increase in overall energy.
Healthy Coping: movement helps us cope with difficult emotions by helping us work through them physically via breath and movement.
Increase Mood: Exercise releases endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine, which are chemicals in the brain that can boost happiness and well-being. 10 minutes of moderate exercise has been identified to have positive effects on the body / mind.
Decrease Stress: Exercise can help reduce stress and mental fatigue. It can also improve the functioning of the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which has been identified to lower cortisol secretion.
Improve Sleep: Improved sleep leads to a more vibrant, alert and steady mood.
Helps Cultivate a Sense of purpose:
Finding an activity, committing to it, gaining a community through it, while creating goals around it can all lead to creating purpose for your life.
Increases Self-esteem: Exercise brings structure, healthy routine and a sense of accomplishment to your life; all of which works to increase your self esteem.
Increases Brain function: Exercise can improve brain function, attention, focus, memory, cognition, language fluency, and decision-making.
Increase Ability to Emotionally Regulate
(when we’re not emotionally regulated; we’re dysregulated, which leads to all sorts of mental health issues. Feel free to read more about emotional regulation and tools and coping strategies here.
SOUL
what mindfulness can do: (spirit/ soul healing)
Mindfulness is “a type of meditation that involves focusing on being aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.” - google
Mindfulness is a skill that teaches you to be more present so you can learn how to “live in the moment” instead of living in the past (where depression lives) or in the future (where anxiety lives.)
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy / DBT therapy is a type of therapy that focuses on teaching distress tolerance skills, while helping the client to understand & accept emotions. Learning how to be mindful is another key part in DBT.
Whole body wellness is a concept as a former athlete and therapist that I believe in so fiercely. It’s what I base my practice around and what I live by myself. Treating the whole person by looking at all aspects of how they are functioning is how we can address and identify the whole cohesive picture of what could be happening for someone.
In my opinion; this is how true healing occurs as it’s all connected.
Resources
BOOKS THAT SUPPORT WHOLE BODY WELLNESS HEALING
When the Body Says NO / Gabor Mate, M.D.
The Body Keeps the Score / Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
The Energy Codes / Dr. Sue Morter
Shop Wellness
Shop my favorite wellness products that i have hand selected and use myself on my SHOPMY page. Find selected self care products that I love.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my IAMWELL Newsletter to receive grounded mental-health insights, somatic reflections, and friendly reminders to support a life rooted in slow living, wellbeing, and mind-body connection.
Curious about working together?
You’re welcome to book a brief, free consultation call — we can explore whether we feel aligned in working together. (Reach out HERE.)
Have thoughts or reflections?
Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Images by photographer Renata Amazonas.