Creating Authentic Connection (how to (really) get to know someone)
As a therapist it’s been pretty wild to be in the room with engaged or married couples who’ve actually never asked each other questions that some of you may consider “The Basics” when considering spending a lifetime together.
QUESTIONS SUCH AS:
Do you want kids?
Where would you want to live once married?
How would we handle our finances if we tie the knot?
What would the holidays look like with our families if we couple up?
What do you consider “adventurous” traveling?
Avoiding, what some would consider, such “obvious” questions says something about how vulnerable and uncomfortable it can be for some of us to genuinely connect & get real.
BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THIS; HERE’S A DIRTY LITTLE TRUTH
How honest and connected we can be with others aligns with how real, truthful & connected we are to ourselves.
I don’t think that there’s anyway around this. To preface this post; the first step toward gaining more authentic connection is to increase our level of self awareness so we can be as authentic as possible with ourselves. Having the ability to be real with ourselves; will allow us to be equally real with the important people in our lives.
WHY ASKING DEEPER QUESTIONS CAN BE HARD
Sometimes we stay in relationships and don’t want to know the hard answers because some answers may require us to face a truth that we’re not ready to face. Sometimes we unconsciously might know what an answer to a specific question may be and avoid “going there” because it would require us to have to change or take action in a way that we don’t want to deal with.
Simply put, we may refrain from asking the deeper questions because we fear what we’ll hear.
What we might hear can ruin our dream or fantasy of who we want that person to be or what we've already decided the relationship is going to look and feel like.
When fear leads and we’re set on a preconceived idea and plan of how we want the relationship to be & go, we live in a place of assuming rather than truly knowing. Assumptions lead to a lot of misunderstanding and chaos.
Avoiding difficult conversations that allow someone to further self disclose, puts us more at risk of staying in and entertaining relationships that are not for us.
Whatever may be the case; just like everything in life; what we don’t deal with or face doesn’t go away. What we avoid will eventually lead us toward negative coping mechanisms.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Intentional, clear and well directed questions allow us to get to know the deeper layers of a person and often lead to bigger conversations about relevant life topics. Topics that help us discern if a certain someone fits into our value system and aligns with our morals for the long run.
Tactful, well thought out questions are the gateway toward determining if someone is, ultimately, the "right" fit for us.
If what you're looking for is a real and healthy connection, go toward the questions that are likely to provoke conversations that can unveil the truth.
The responses, reactions and answers that we get from the questions that we pose to our partner or within our relationships help us to discover more of “the truth.” With more clarity and truth we then have valuable information to make thoughtful decisions for ourselves and our relationship lives.
I always like to say: when you say the truth you see the truth.
It takes time to really get to know another. For example, only time will reveal how a person shows up in the face of loss, death, hardship, disaster or when an uncomfortable situation presents. There's always more to get to know as people have many facets and deep layers beyond the initial "getting to know you phase.”
A KEY QUALITY TO HEALTHY CONNECTION
An ability to “be with” discomfort says volumes about one’s emotional capacity. In terms of looking for healthy connection, looking for signs that the person on the other end of you is emotionally mature is incredibly important. It’s very difficult to connect deeply with someone that lacks the ability to be emotionally available or mature.
With that said; let’s clear something up: Difficult questions can and often do bring up uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort is not negative; it’s just is.
Watching someone have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort without shutting down, handling it negatively or turning on you is important for you to witness.
A healthy emotional place to aim for is being able to allow discomfort without negative reaction. It’s realizing that looking at what’s real sometimes involves facing hurt or painful places. Having the emotional maturity to “face the truth” and deal with the emotions that “the truth” brings up is a skill that’s invaluable for both you and your partner to have in order for healthy, long term connection.
TIPS TO DETERMINE IF A RELATIONSHIP IS A GOOD MATCH
Ask intentional questions and pay attention to answers & actions. (How does your partners responses make you feel?)
Pay attention to personal integrity, honesty and an ability to be authentic, vulnerable & emotionally mature.
Does their answers to your questions align with their consistent actions? (always look for words & actions matching)
Is who they portray themselves to be via words match and align with how they show up with you and in the world?
Do you feel good and energized after you spend time with them or indifferent and drained? (pay attention to how you feel after being around another’s energy.)
What should you do with the information you learn from asking questions?
Pay attention. Be intentional with your questions and look for ways that your partner aligns with the aspects of life that you have decided are important to you. Look for alignment with your priorities, morals, life values, etc. Also, be mindful of the small stuff; "how they treat the waitress." Noticing how your partner interacts consistently with the world around them can help inspire questions and can answer some without any dialogue needed.
“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” - Mark Twain
If you’re at a loss with the kind of questions that can allow for more insight & deeper connection with another; here are some examples:
What’s one topic that you would take a stand for?
What’s are the qualities that you value in yourself and others?
What values and ways of being do you think create a healthy relationship?
What is one of the most important relationships in your life and why?
"What is one of the biggest regrets you have in life?"
"What is the most challenging thing you've ever had to overcome?"
"How do you feel about your relationship with your family?"
"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?"
As always, thank you for reading and being here with me.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
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Feel free to comment or share — I’d truly love to hear what this brought up for you.
*Above image by photographer & visual artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Are You Operating from Love or Fear? (Ways to Know Which is Leading)
We are hard wired for comfort. All of us. That’s why so many of us could feel or be dissatisfied with things in our life, yet resist the process of change. There could be a lot of fear behind doing something differently; Especially when it comes to topics where there’s a lot of uncertainty or high emotion. Behind resistance lies fear. Fear of outcomes we can’t predict. Fear of the unknown. So often, we will take a reality that is flat because it feels comfortable and safe over one that calls us to stretch, face uncertainty and, ultimately thrive more.
There’s fear and on the opposite side of the spectrum lies love.
The truth is that we always have the choice to make decisions based on fear or love. Always. The extent to which we choose fear or love will dictate the overall quality and joy of our life. Becoming more intentional about what element (love or fear) is leading in our lives is a practice that can guide us toward living more authentically and fully.
We define our past and predict our future based on what we know to be true. We humans like things to make sense, and this so is true when it comes to using the past to predict our present and future. What this also does is limit our abilities and outcomes.
We choose what’s predictable, rather than deciding to create a reality that aligns with what we actually really want. When we can’t understand HOW something will come into our existence, we dumb down our wants and put a realistic stance on what we’re going to aim for.
You can argue that this is “practical,” however, the truth is that whatever it is that you believe to be true is creating your reality.
For example:
If you’ve always lived in a certain city or state, it’s hard to imagine life elsewhere; so you stay.
If you’ve always worked a certain career path for years, it’s hard to imagine a career doing anything else; so you stay.
If you’ve always struggled with money and finances, it’s hard to imagine a life without the struggle; so it remains.
Obviously, if you love where you live, are thriving in your career and are working on your relationship with money; there’s no issue. It’s when you truly are not happy, but you stay because doing something different brings up too much fear and uncertainty. That’s what I’m speaking too.
As you have probably experienced for yourself, me included, it’s a wild thought to think of doing something totally different from that of which you have always done. What shows up when we allow ourselves to go beyond our comfort zone is discomfort, resistance & fear.
Expect it. It will be waiting for you there, just like a guide on a tour bus. The trick is to recognize that fear is just an emotion that’s present any time we go beyond our limits. The key is to refrain from entertaining fears anxiety based worry and scarcity mindset. The work is to witness and feel the fear coming up and choose to carry doing your thing and pushing your limits while the fear lessens because it’s not getting your energy.
Putting labels on any person, place or thing because of what has been your experience of it will limit your potential. It will reduce your exposure to all the endless possibilities that this life has to offer you.
Thinking in a way that is led by fear creates limiting conclusions that put people and places into boxes. Boxes limit us.
The way out is to choose love.
What does choosing love do? It softens us. It allows us to be less skeptical. Less rigid. Less controlled. More trusting. More open minded. Less judgmental. More accepting. More capable and willing to surrender.
When we show up embodying love, everything changes. People respond to us differently. The world responds to us differently. A different reaction creates a different response and that creates change in our lives. Overtime, it’s the small micro changes that we take part in on a daily basis that change our lives.
You can’t become more trusting without choosing to trust. You can’t become more adventurous without adventuring, so is true with deciding to be more loving and open in life. You have to choose to be more loving to receive more love in your life.
So, let me speak to all of you out there who are white knuckling it reading these words because you’ve been hurt. Not just slapped on your hand hurt; rather, gut wrenching, intestines pulled out of your inners and thrown to the concrete ground kinda hurt. I’m speaking to those of you who have lost faith, lost trust and have decided that the man made fortress around your heart is a better place to be. You’ve decided to close off your heart because it’s just been too hurtful to keep it open. I’m speaking to you, my friend.
Here are my words to you with acknowledgment that your hurt is real and it’s important to be processed AND, in order to live again, in do time, you must keep trying. You must rediscover your sense of faith & trust (*If you feel that you need assistance in working through your level of grief, pain, hurt, resentment & unresolved issues I suggest professional help. HERE is an article that covers how to find “the right” mental health professional for you.)
Please give opening your heart another honest, true chance. Give yourself another chance at being happy and truly living in this life. Eventually, if you keep your heart and your mind open, something will come along that will help you to see things differently. Little by little, as you stay open, loving and of clear mind, things will continue to come into your experience to help you lay down your inner armor and begin to trust.
So, do you choose love in this life or do you choose fear? They both will always be on the table for you to choose. I can tell you, straight up, what choosing fear will lead you to. Let’s just go over that simply and quickly again; It will limit your experience, the people you meet and ultimately your potential.
You ask, “What will choosing love do?” Well, all I can speak to in order to answer that, is to say that choosing to operate based on love will change your life and bring in opportunities beyond what you can think up. Period.
With all that said, I encourage you to go and find out what choosing love looks like for you. What’s there waiting for you beyond your comfort zone? Only you will know when you go beyond your fear and give love an honest chance. Don’t hesitate to let me know what happens as you do.
Cheers.
Much love, Kim
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
7 Signs That Your Love Connection is Healthy and Strong
An intimate relationship is a continuous work in progress. An important aspect of any romantic connection is that two people are choosing to grow in a positive direction with both themself and together. This post presents a framework for you to evaluate if your love connection is healthy, respectful and worth continuing to invest your sweet time into.
If you have one or two of these “signs” within your intimate relationship, great. If you have all of them, amazing. There’s no judgement and no such thing as a perfect anything, much less a perfect unity between two. If you’re not in a relationship, no worries, use this information to cultivate a vision for your future partnership.
7 Signs of A Legit Love Connection
1. Their Actions and Words Consistently Match Up
Your partner makes it clear via their words and actions that they're invested in you and see a future with you. You’re not confused about your partner's intentions because they make them crystal clear. Give or take being human; They call when they say they will and they show up when they say they will.
When someone is incongruent in their actions and words, we tend to feel doubtful about how they can show up for us. This leaves us in a state of not knowing, which is an easy breeding ground for our false assumptions, doubts and insecurities to live. Consistency is huge in relationships. It breeds trust and security. The bottom line is that we trust people who are consistent because it allows us to feel safe.
2. You Feel Good About Who You Are Around Them
It’s nothing that you can pin point, or maybe it is, but you just feel really good about yourself when you’re in your partner’s presence. They think you’re great, they support your ventures, they’re a huge fan of you, all imperfections included because we all have those, and that feels dam good.
3. They're Not Afraid to Have Real Conversations
Your partner is able to hold an inviting space for deep and vulnerable conversations. What does this mean? This means that you feel heard. It means that they can acknowledge your feelings without judgement and with appreciation of your self expression. There’s no avoidance of topics. There might be uncomfortable topics, although there’s no avoidance. If there is, they own it and do their best to work through it. Conversations are initiated around subject matter that allows further intimate connection, amongst fun conversations too. Balance is key. Topics can range from finances, insecurities, future life vision, your future together, etc. You feel better after releasing your feelings to your partner because they’re able to hold the space for you to release your emotions and that feels good.
4. You’re in Their Future Plans (Near and Far)
They make it known via their word and actions that you’re apart of their future plans. You guys make plans as a couple without question and you also have the freedom and space to still do you with their support.
5. They Respect The Relationships That Are Important to You
Your partner doesn’t necessarily need to be besties or even connect that much to some of the people you choose to have in your life, although they have to respect the significance that specific connections hold for you. Talking negatively about people that your partner knows you care about is a disrespectful act. There’s a difference between sharing your true feelings about a relationship with grace or concern vs. talking disrespectfully and putting down your judgement and desire for a specific relationship.
Ideally, it’s a great situation when you really gel and value the people that your partner brings into your life. This is not always the case, nor does it need to be, but it creates ease and flow when this is so.
6. You Trust Them & Feel Safe
This might be one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Trust and safety are foundational pieces that are the building blocks of any healthy connection. This is why when trust is compromised, it’s really difficult to recover. Trust is defined as the “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Feeling that your partner is reliable, accountable and will always do their best to show up for you is a must in a solid and loving connection.
You either trust someone fully or you don’t. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t. Meaning, you feel safe to express emotions, show all sides of you, appealing and not so appealing. We’re able to be vulnerable without feeling like our partner is going to see something that they don’t like and go away. Trusting someone allows us to unveil ourselves fully. This sets the stage for a true love connection.
7. It’s Clear That You’re a Priority
The majority of the things that your partner does generates an inner knowing that you’re held in a very high regard. This inner knowing brings a sense of peace and calmness about the relationship because you know where you stand. You feel genuinely loved and valued by your partner. You feel respected, considered and acknowledged. You are and you feel that you are a top priority in your partners life.
Relationships are so complex. Each couple has their own way. If it works and is healthy, more power to you. With all the above said, I understand that everyone is operating based on where they're at both mentally and emotionally. If your partner is working on themself and doing their best, that’s awesome and should be acknowledged. We’re not all graced with the gift of gab or the ability to talk it out super affectively. That’s okay. As long as your partner is working on their side of the street to keep things moving in a healthy direction, that’s effort to be appreciated.
*Above Image is by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer7
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer
How to Recognize & Hold onto A Good Thing
Good things come and go, correct? Such is life.….
Do we accept that this is how it goes, or do we actively work to tap into our inner knowing so we don’t let those good things go?
Becoming more in tune with what a good thing looks and feels like can help us ditch what’s not so great in our life, while holding onto what is.
Life will offer us a bit of everything, so how do we know when a good thing is right in front of us?
In the land of plenty, how do we know what’s the right thing, person or situation for us?
How do we know when to hold on and how do we know when to let go?
At one point or another, we all have to come up with our own answers to these questions. Life will present us with a varietal of opportunities. Our decisions to go toward or away from these people and situations will pave the path of our life.
No pressure, right?
I remember a time in my life when I spent years in an indecisive place about love.
Is THIS it? Is HE it? Is SHE it? Are THEY it? Are WE it?
I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s up from down in certain situations?
Will we ever? Can we ever?
Here’s what I know.
Going toward what makes you feel good consistently is always a good choice. Move toward what feels good consistently, not sporadically. Sporadic energy tends to feel chaotic. Consistency breeds trust.
Lots of not so great things and people can make us feel good temporarily. A temporary fix tends to be more surface and short lived. Some of us rather take something rather than nothing, yet that’s where many of us get stuck. When the foundation of anything is unstable and ingenuine, it will eventually show its cracks. This is true both figuratively and literally. Whether we’re talking about relationships or a building.
Side Note: * Nobody is perfect, nor is perfection the aim, although unhealthy and destructive people and circumstances do not need your energy friends *
Here are some descriptions on what a good thing usually entails. Hopefully, this can help you evaluate your current experiences in order for you to find clarity around whether you should hold on or let go.
A good thing has a clean paper trial. “History Repeats Itself” is a cliche for a reason.
A good thing feels good (in a healthy way.) Period the end.
A good thing is stable, trusting and accountable.
A good thing says what they mean and means what they say.
A good thing cares about you and it’s obvious.
A good thing is not confusing.
A good thing is not that hard to spot because the right “good thing” for you will stand out amongst the crowd.
A good thing tends to be A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, for if it wasn't, it wouldn’t be special to your experience. Unique things stand out and are valuable for their rarity, which makes them such a gift.
If you’re still looking for your good thing, keep looking. It’s out there. Don’t settle. Don’t think it “should” be here already. Respect IT’S timing. Look at all the contrast that you’re receiving in your life now as part of the adventure, for one day the adventure will be over and you will be consumed with your good thing.
Lots of love. Cheers to Good Things.
The above image was taken by San Diego based Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
"The Right" Kind of Love (Why It Might Not Look How You Thought It Would)
Why, so often, are we surprised or shocked when love shows up? Why doesn't love look the way we think it should? Why can we sometimes "miss it" when love is knocking on our door?
The topic of love and relationships is so vast. I CAN’T EVEN begin to explain. Yet, piece by piece, day by day, experience by experience and relationship by relationship the pieces will be revealed.
Here are some words to contemplate around the topic of love:
"If you are operating under the assumption that who you are before the surgery, underneath the hair dye, and without the makeup is unacceptable, then you may find yourself driven to find a mate with all of the "perfect" criteria (the "right job," "right look," from the "right family") as a way to compensate for what you consider to be your own inadequacies. You may find someone who has all of those external qualities and think, for a while anyway, that you have found love. But, sooner or later, these relationships tend to reveal themselves to be somewhat empty and soulless. The kind of love that we are looking for rarely comes from this way of seeking. There is no heart in it and soul connections are always revealed in the heart. That's why love doesn't always look the way you might think it should. Just like you, yourself, may not look the way you think you should."
....................For when we take a lover to our bed, it's all about opening ourselves totally and completely to the experience of being loved and adored for exactly who we are, and exactly who we are not, as well as being willing to extend this sweet state of grace to another."
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Accepting ourselves, warts and all, will effect our urge to mask certain aspects of ourselves that we deem not good enough. F that! Life is too short to be walking around, aimlessly, trying to cover everything up. The irony is, the more truth you show about yourself, the more of an authentic and truthful love connection you can make. I know this to be true based on my own experience of love and by onlooking the relationships in my life that I value. The odds of finding a soul connection will increase when the inner need to hide self proclaimed "faults" quiet.
Own who you are. All of it. Doing so will lead you to the right relationships and soul connections. Period, The End.
and....Much Love.
* Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Photographer.
Being Vulnerable: Why It's Worth It (No Matter What)
When you love; Why not love hard?
Given it’s a healthy environment (meaning person) to do that with; why not?
When you hold back, when you half love, when you don’t go all in, when you don’t fully expose your heart, you’re actually doing yourself a huge disservice.
Here’s why................
When you don’t give something your all, specifically when it comes to love, you don’t see what you need to see. You don’t see the full truth because how you show up will always mirror your experience. Meaning what you put in is what you'll get back. Commitment attracts commitment. You only see the full picture when you expose yourself to the full picture by making the choice to fully love and commit.
You get what you give in life.
Going "all in" requires commitment and vulnerability. These can be intimidating concepts, especially for those of us who struggle with a fear of commitment.
(*How do you know if you fear commitment? Check out the article I've linked. Usually, If you have a pretty solid pattern of dating or partnering with unavailable people, this is an aspect of your life to examine further.)
We don't always get what we want. Things will not always go how we think they should nor how we want them to go in relationships. We don't always know what's best for us, even when we think we do. This can be really hard to swallow. Sometimes we don’t want to accept the truth, which leads us toward resistance and feeling stuck. Anytime we're rejecting what is, we will face resistance.
“Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment to it. We want to know that it’s a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.”
When you go into a relationship with an open heart and mind something really important happens…..
You see the truth of the matter. You see the truth about the object of your affection. The real, unfiltered truth. When you show up fully, it’s easier and more apparent to spot someone whose not a true fit for you, or, who is simply, not revealing their truth.
One of the biggest learning experiences of my life, thus far, came from being involved in an "on and off again" relationship that started in my late teens and continued into my mid twenties. Now, with over a decade of perspective, I can say that one of the major reasons why it was on and off, on my end, was due to my inability to be all in and fully commit. I say that with no self blame, it’s just where I was at during that point in my life. Of course there were times of “all in,” I was in love with this man, although even 90% IN leaves openings for small cracks to become bigger and truth to corrode. When 100% trust and commitment is missing there's way more room for misunderstanding and a lack of communication and safety in a partnership.
Things become very blurred when you don’t go all in. Things get lost in translation because there's a lack of solid foundation to jump from. From my experience, cracks became gaps, which lead to distance. Distance led to blurred actions and unclear perceptions, which eventually led to a broken partnership. Even if only in my heart, I was fuzzy. Fuzzy and blurry will attract fuzzy and blurry......and it did. I will own that.
So, when you love, do your best to put it all out on the table because as you do, you will be able to make better decisions around who you're giving your heart too. When you give off clarity, you will get back clarity. When things are clear and transparent you see what you need to see in order to make healthy choices about your love life.
.......love hard.
* The above image was taken by good friend and photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
A Therapist’s Thoughts on Love, Friendship & Career
I love hearing about the lessons and ways of thinking that people arrive at based on their experiences in life. I’m always drawn toward articles, books and interviews where people discuss and are asked about “advice to their younger self.” We all hold so much knowledge based on the experiences and life passages that we have already gone through. Today I’m going to touch upon some feedback that I have, at this point of my life, around the topics of love, friendship & career. These topics are super vast, so I’ve done my best to keep this short and concise, yet raw and truthful.
Here it goes:
What advice would you give to your younger self about LOVE?
If you're unavailable, you will attract unavailable. Period, the end. Man, I know this one.
Be the partner you want to attract. If you want someone athletic, make sure you get out there and get your sweat on. If you want a go getter, make sure you're going after what you want in your own life. If you want someone who loves to adventure, yup, you guessed it, make sure you're down to explore and are open minded to new things. Bottom line, make sure you possess and are actively partaking or working toward what you’re saying you want in a relationship. Like attracts like. Become what you want and it will show up.
Surround yourself with a partner that builds you up, respects you and one whom you feel really good about yourself around. How you feel about yourself when you’re in the presence of another is a huge piece of information. Pay attention.
It’s so cliche, but trust your gut, your inner knowing, the feeling that’s a constant under tone about the relationship that your choosing to be in. Whatever your gut is saying is the truth.
Make sure that, for the most part, your partner’s actions and words match up. If they don’t you have reason to not fully trust them. I know that I trust the relationships in my life that are consistent and reliable. Mean what you say: Say what you mean. Especially within the little things. The little things are a reflection of the bigger things. That’s how trust is built and protected. Be and seek people whose word matches their actions.
Letting go is hard and sometimes the answer. Not all relationships are meant to be forever, even when you want them to be. This is a tough one.
What advice would you give to your younger self about FRIENDSHIPS?
Good friends will tell you the truth in a respectful way. I’ve had some moments in my life that stand out to me where I’ve posed a really difficult question about my life situation to a friend and they’ve looked me dead in the eye and told me the truth, not what I wanted to hear. These can be and are often two very different things. I love the friendships in my life that I know will always say it to me straight. Cheers to honesty with respect and good intentions. Bottom line: Solid friendships are built around authenticity and honesty, even when it might be hard to hear.
Be the friend you want to attract. (Similar to the partner you want to attract.) Learn to possess and BE what you appreciate in another.
Good friends warm your heart and want the best for you. A true friend doesn’t try to “one up” you or compete with you. They just don’t.
If you can’t be yourself in a friendship, what’s the point? Seriously.
Solid friends are solid people. I’m really protective of who I bring into my world because friendships can influence and encourage us to grow or they can block our light. I have a no tolerance policy for low vibe, light blockers. Nor should you. I’m going to go out on a limb by saying that one of the best things I’ve created in my life is my circle of solid, honest, trustworthy and dependable friends. My friends have been and continue to be my largest support system.
What advice would you give to your younger self about CAREER?
Pick a career that matches who you really are vs. who you want to be. Make sure you pick a career that matches your authentic self rather than who you wish you were. Meaning, be careful of getting swept up in an image or coolness factor of a career path. Be true and honest with yourself.
I know your parents love you, but do what you feel called to do, not what they want you to do. Pick a career that calls you. This might be different than the direction that others want you to go into for a multitude of reasons: family business, financial, comfort level, etc. I know that my parents don't really identify with my choice to become a small business owner. They both took a more structured career path. Regardless, I'm glad that I followed what felt true for me. In the long term, the chance of your success is higher if you follow your truth. Your the one who has to live with the reality of your own life.
It might take longer than you want to discover and thrive in your chosen field. Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end if you select a career that’s a true fit for who you are. I remember being in my late 20’s/early 30’s questioning what path I took. Starting my own business was unpredictable. There were days where I doubted where I was going and what I was doing, while other friends of mine were making "good money" and in solid careers. Now, approaching 40, (which I have so much more to say about; coming soon) I’m just starting to see the “fruits of my labor.” I’ve always believed that good, solid things, whether it be relationships, careers or self growth take time. In this fast world, I find myself grounding in the virtue of patience. There are just some things you can’t and should not speed up. I feel this to be true for the area of career.
I would love to open up more of a dialogue around these topics. We’re all teachers based on where we’re at in life and what our journey has taught us thus far. I’m planning on using some of my own personal relationships to further explore these questions and topics. Stay tuned and feel free to share what you've learned.
* The above image was taken by my good friend and photographer, Renata Amazonas.