When a Friendship No Longer Feels Like a Fit
There are friendships that end because something happened.
A betrayal. A falling out. A boundary that was crossed one too many times.
Those endings can be painful, but at least there’s usually something to point to why it ended.
Then there are the friendships that just start to feel different.
Nothing is necessarily wrong. You still care about the person. You have history together. Maybe you've even been through some really important parts of life together.
And the reality is, something has shifted.
You don't look forward to getting together in the same way you used to. The conversations don't seem to resonate in the way they once did. The commonality and general enjoyment of the connection don't feel as natural as they used to or isn’t there anymore.
A friendship doesn't always end because someone did something wrong.
Sometimes you just start wondering: What happened here?
Not Every Changing Friendship Needs to End
We can be quick to label relationships as either “healthy” or “toxic,” as though every relationship needs a clear verdict—it doesn’t.
Sometimes a friendship just needs to change.
Maybe you aren't going to talk every week anymore. Maybe the friendship works better in smaller doses. Maybe you no longer share the same lifestyle but still genuinely enjoy each other when you do connect.
But before deciding you've outgrown someone, there might be another question worth asking:
Is the friendship actually no longer a fit—or is there a conversation to be had?
Distance could be the result of an unspoken hurt. Sometimes you've stopped showing up because you're disappointed but haven't said why.
Not every uncomfortable feeling is a sign to leave. Sometimes it’s a signal to be more honest and respectfully direct, something I talk about more in my post on Creating Authentic Connection.
And sometimes, you have the conversation and realize the issue isn't something that needs to be fixed.
The truth can be that something—them, you, or just life itself—has really changed.
Pay Attention to What Is Happening Now
One of the things I often encourage people to pay attention to in relationships is what happens inside of them.
Not in a hypervigilant, “What does every feeling mean?” sort of way.
More in an being intentionally aware, just noticing kind of way.
How do you generally feel before seeing this person?
How do you feel while you're together?
And maybe most importantly:
How do you feel after?
Do you feel energized, comfortable and more like yourself?
Or do you consistently feel drained, constricted, irritated or like you've been performing?
One experience doesn't tell you much, but patterns do.
Often your body notices a shift in a relationship before your mind has language for it.
You may find yourself putting off plans. You may stop naturally reaching for the phone when something happens in your life. You may realize there are things you no longer want to share.
None of these things automatically mean the friendship is over—they are just ways for you to see if there are any consistent patterns.
The question is whether you're noticing a temporary shift, an unresolved issue, or a relationship that genuinely no longer fits the life you're living.
Sometimes We Miss the History
There are friendships where what we're attached to is partly—or mostly—the history.
The trips taken. The moments shared. The difficult or amazing years. The family or mutual friend connections. The versions of ourselves that existed when the friendship was at its strongest.
That history is real—it mattered.
But history doesn't necessarily need to dictate what the relationship is now.
Sometimes we keep trying to recreate a closeness that no longer exists. We may keep reaching for the version of the friendship we desire because it feels strange to admit that something has changed.
Accepting that things are different allows the relationship to shift into a current version that you can actually appreciate.
Acceptance can mean recognizing that you don't want the friendship in your life in the same way anymore.
Both are worth being honest about.
So What Do You Do With the Change?
This is where I think we can over complicate a difficult truth.
We notice that a friendship feels different and immediately feel like we need to make a decision about it.
Do we stay or go.
Talk about it or don't.
Are we being loyal?
Are we being mean or selfish?
Have we outgrown them?
Are they the problem? Are we the problem?
You don't necessarily need the answer immediately or there might not be one- sometimes things just change and there’s nothing to point to.
Start by getting honest about what you're actually experiencing.
If there is resentment, hurt or disappointment underneath the distance, it may be worth talking about.
If there isn't, and you simply don't have the same want for closeness anymore, you may not need a confrontation. You may just need to let the friendship have a different level of importance in your life.
Maybe you see each other a few times a year instead of every few weeks.
Maybe you stop being the one who always initiates.
Maybe you recognize that this is someone you care about, but not someone you need to be as close to.
And sometimes, after paying attention for a while, you realize that you're maintaining the friendship primarily because you're afraid of what it means to let it change.
That's different.
At some point, you may need to let it go, which is a hard thing in itself to do.
The point is to get enough information to make an honest decision.
You're Allowed to Want Something Different
Often the hardest part of a changing friendship is accepting that you don't actually want the same relationship anymore.
You may still care about the person. You may still enjoy them. You may always have a lot of love for them.
But you don't necessarily want to talk as often, spend as much time together, or share the same parts of your life that you once did.
And that can feel uncomfortable because we're often used to thinking about friendship as something you either have or don't have—something you should maintain no matter what, something you should stay loyal to.
But there is a lot of space in between.
You can let a friendship become less central without making it a bad friendship—or making yourself a bad friend.
You don't have to force the same level of closeness simply because that's what the relationship has always been and what you think you need to do.
Usually the most honest thing you can do is allow the friendship to take up the amount of space in your life that it naturally wants to take up.
Let the Relationship Be What It Is
The goal doesn’t need to be having a perfectly curated circle of people who all fit the person you've become.
People change and relationships change with them.
Some friendships grow with you. Some become distant. Some fade. Some may surprise you and find their way back into your life years later.
The point isn't to constantly evaluate everyone around you—the key is to be honest enough with yourself to notice when something has changed.
Sometimes that honesty leads to a conversation, or more space, or accepting that a friendship has become something different than it once was.
And sometimes it means letting it go or allowing it to just be.
Often, when you give a relationship enough room to become what it actually is, you find that there is still something meaningful there.
Perhaps different, but that doesn't make the friendship a failure—it makes it real.
If you're in a season of questioning what still fits in your life—and what doesn't—my ebook UNSTUCK offers a deeper look at the patterns that keep us stuck and how to move forward with more clarity.
A Therapist’s Thoughts on Love, Friendship & Career
I love hearing about the lessons and ways of thinking that people arrive at based on their experiences in life. I’m always drawn toward articles, books and interviews where people discuss and are asked about “advice to their younger self.” We all hold so much knowledge based on the experiences and life passages that we have already gone through. Today I’m going to touch upon some feedback that I have, at this point of my life, around the topics of love, friendship & career. These topics are super vast, so I’ve done my best to keep this short and concise, yet raw and truthful.
Here it goes:
What advice would you give to your younger self about LOVE?
If you're unavailable, you will attract unavailable. Period, the end. Man, I know this one.
Be the partner you want to attract. If you want someone athletic, make sure you get out there and get your sweat on. If you want a go getter, make sure you're going after what you want in your own life. If you want someone who loves to adventure, yup, you guessed it, make sure you're down to explore and are open minded to new things. Bottom line, make sure you possess and are actively partaking or working toward what you’re saying you want in a relationship. Like attracts like. Become what you want and it will show up.
Surround yourself with a partner that builds you up, respects you and one whom you feel really good about yourself around. How you feel about yourself when you’re in the presence of another is a huge piece of information. Pay attention.
It’s so cliche, but trust your gut, your inner knowing, the feeling that’s a constant under tone about the relationship that your choosing to be in. Whatever your gut is saying is the truth.
Make sure that, for the most part, your partner’s actions and words match up. If they don’t you have reason to not fully trust them. I know that I trust the relationships in my life that are consistent and reliable. Mean what you say: Say what you mean. Especially within the little things. The little things are a reflection of the bigger things. That’s how trust is built and protected. Be and seek people whose word matches their actions.
Letting go is hard and sometimes the answer. Not all relationships are meant to be forever, even when you want them to be. This is a tough one.
What advice would you give to your younger self about FRIENDSHIPS?
Good friends will tell you the truth in a respectful way. I’ve had some moments in my life that stand out to me where I’ve posed a really difficult question about my life situation to a friend and they’ve looked me dead in the eye and told me the truth, not what I wanted to hear. These can be and are often two very different things. I love the friendships in my life that I know will always say it to me straight. Cheers to honesty with respect and good intentions. Bottom line: Solid friendships are built around authenticity and honesty, even when it might be hard to hear.
Be the friend you want to attract. (Similar to the partner you want to attract.) Learn to possess and BE what you appreciate in another.
Good friends warm your heart and want the best for you. A true friend doesn’t try to “one up” you or compete with you. They just don’t.
If you can’t be yourself in a friendship, what’s the point? Seriously.
Solid friends are solid people. I’m really protective of who I bring into my world because friendships can influence and encourage us to grow or they can block our light. I have a no tolerance policy for low vibe, light blockers. Nor should you. I’m going to go out on a limb by saying that one of the best things I’ve created in my life is my circle of solid, honest, trustworthy and dependable friends. My friends have been and continue to be my largest support system.
What advice would you give to your younger self about CAREER?
Pick a career that matches who you really are vs. who you want to be. Make sure you pick a career that matches your authentic self rather than who you wish you were. Meaning, be careful of getting swept up in an image or coolness factor of a career path. Be true and honest with yourself.
I know your parents love you, but do what you feel called to do, not what they want you to do. Pick a career that calls you. This might be different than the direction that others want you to go into for a multitude of reasons: family business, financial, comfort level, etc. I know that my parents don't really identify with my choice to become a small business owner. They both took a more structured career path. Regardless, I'm glad that I followed what felt true for me. In the long term, the chance of your success is higher if you follow your truth. Your the one who has to live with the reality of your own life.
It might take longer than you want to discover and thrive in your chosen field. Hang in there, it will be worth it in the end if you select a career that’s a true fit for who you are. I remember being in my late 20’s/early 30’s questioning what path I took. Starting my own business was unpredictable. There were days where I doubted where I was going and what I was doing, while other friends of mine were making "good money" and in solid careers. Now, approaching 40, (which I have so much more to say about; coming soon) I’m just starting to see the “fruits of my labor.” I’ve always believed that good, solid things, whether it be relationships, careers or self growth take time. In this fast world, I find myself grounding in the virtue of patience. There are just some things you can’t and should not speed up. I feel this to be true for the area of career.
I would love to open up more of a dialogue around these topics. We’re all teachers based on where we’re at in life and what our journey has taught us thus far. I’m planning on using some of my own personal relationships to further explore these questions and topics. Stay tuned and feel free to share what you've learned.
* The above image was taken by my good friend and photographer, Renata Amazonas.