Resentment (How it's Wrecking Havoc in Your Relationships & Life)
“If you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time.”
-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now
Easier said than done, I know, yet doing our best to work through feelings of ill will toward another will keep our minds and bodies clear of emotional residue.
Allowing our negative feelings to build up over time to the point where we’re holding grudges toward others and imprisoned in feelings of anger and resentment can have a severe and negative impact on our lives.
Resentment can change and taint us if left unaddressed. It’s the silent killer of relationships as passive aggressive comments and stewing negative emotions cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of while causing strain in our relationship world.
Resentment can cause us to see through distorted negative lenses, leading us to read others intentions inaccurately, which impacts us from deeply and authentically connecting.
Every time we stew in our frustrations, irritations and general negative emotions without resolve; we become more disconnected from the truth of who we are. As we get further away from our truth; we lose our ability to function in a healthy way and everything gets complicated from there.
To say it boldly and clearly, enough resentment will slowly kill your relationships and chip away at your self worth, essence and presence if it gets deep enough.
Let’s avoid this spiderweb effect; shall we? Let’s get into how to recognize, acknowledge & cope with resentment so we can remain healthy & well despite life’s challenges.
What Causes Resentment
Resentment can present any time when we feel like we’ve been wronged. This could look like being taken advantage of, not being treated with respect, or not feeling heard or validated.
Resentment can accumulate over little moments and comments that remain unaddressed and build up over time. It can also show up within a singular, defining event or situation where we feel undervalued, mistreated or dismissed.
examples of situations that can cause resentment
Feeling taken advantage of
Being dismissed, ignored, overlooked or devalued
Feeling disrespected
Having unrealistic expectations about others or the world
Maintaining relationships with people who consistently put their needs before yours (without consideration of your needs.)
Being around people who undermine your authority or ability
Signs You’re Carrying Resentment
Feeling anxiety, tense and discomfort when you’re around the person you believe treated you unjustly
Avoiding conflict or interaction with any persons attached to your feelings of resentment
Obsessive overthinking about the person, the incident or interaction that you hold resentment for
Talking negatively to others about the person you have resentment for
Ignoring, avoiding or not admitting the pain around the situation or person causing your resentful feelings.
Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the person you feel resentment toward
Feelings Associated With Resentment
lethargy, sadness, depleted energy
Disappointment
Anger & frustration
Hostile, bitter or revengeful emotions
Fear
Blame or self-blame
shame or guilt
Feeling unworthy, or generally dismissed and undervalued
Regret
Using resentment to avoid dealing with a person or situation that we hold resentment for can come out in self sabotaging, sneaky ways. Here are some ways that we can use resentment to avoid dealing with conflict directly.
Resentment Can Be Used To:
Self Protect; protecting yourself from being vulnerable and “being hurt again”
To feel “in control”
Avoid addressing the inward and deeper rooted issues within yourself or with the other person
Avoid difficult conversations and potential conflict
Avoid self responsibility
Avoid dealing with the situation
Key Steps to Address Resentment
If you are not a newbie to the world of self development, then you’re familiar with the saying that “awareness is key.” Having the awareness that what you are experiencing is, in fact, resentment, can direct you toward how to work through it.
key steps toward working through resentment
Identify the root cause
Self reflect on the situation that triggered your resentment and work toward understanding what specifically caused you to feel this way.Acknowledge & allow yourself to feel your emotions
Avoiding feeling difficult emotions is how they can build up and, potentially, turn into a mound of resentment. Don't suppress your feelings. Accept that you’re feeling resentful and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully in order for them to be processed and pass.(more on how to feel difficult emotions here.)
See it from a different angle
Having an open mind is one of the most beneficial tools that you can cultivate. Being open minded allows you to consider life from different perspectives. This will help you move through difficult situations with an ability to heal and move forward without latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms or negative perspectives. Always ask yourself if you can try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This question can help remove any blind spots or offer a different way of seeing a situation that can potentially change your feelings around it.
Remember that you don’t have to agree with someone to dissolve conflict and move forward.
Forgive
Practicing forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness for others is a practice. Forgiveness always, first and foremost, is for you. I know that this is counter intuitive to some, however, releasing yourself from resentment, revengeful and hateful feelings is, ultimately, for you my friend. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, finding a perspective or lesson in the pain is how you can move toward acceptance. Eventually and in due time, making peace with what happened will increase your sense of general well-being.
Communicate respectfully, directly and openly
It’s amazing what some of us will do to avoid talking about the problem with the person who we have a problem with.We will spend hours thinking about it, stewing on it, talking to others about it; all actions that can actually brew more resentment. Save hours, months and years from your life by learning about Healthy conflict resolution. Knowing how to address conflict is a key life tool that will benefit you and all of your relationships greatly.
Establish boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to yourself, your relationships and how you live your life is a game changer. Sometimes we hold resentment toward others because they took advantage of the fact that we didn’t have good boundaries ourselves.We can spend countless hours pointing the finger at them; or we can look to ourselves and what we can control, which is tightening up our ability to have healthy boundaries.
*Note to self- It’s important to be respectful of ourselves in order to get the respect that we desire from others.
Focus on the now
Nothing good will ever come from dwelling on the past. Usually, an inability to get your mind out of the past is a sign that your current life situation is underwhelming you. Work on shifting your focus to positive aspects of your life now or start making small changes to help move your life forward.Lead with self compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism is not a healthy, long term solution. Holding onto external resentment gets in the way of you having a loving and healthy relationship with yourself. What we put “out there” in this world will always be reflected back to us in some way, shape or form. Having a loving relationship with ourself and leading with that will help us work through and dissolve our resentful emotions.
As with all self development topics; everything is connected. This is why I like to focus on whole body wellness. Resentment not only lives in the mind, it also manifests into physical symptoms overtime within the body.
I’ve seen resentment manifest into chronic illness. I’ve seen it destroy relationships. I’ve seen it kill hope.
My hope is for this post to strategically guide you through some actionable steps to address any negative, deep rooted and painful feelings that you may not know how to cope with so you can healthfully move on.
Thank you for being here. One step at a time. Change often involves doing something small and different, day after day. If you don’t know where to aim; focus on little shifts-one micro shift of change at a time.
An Invitation For You
If this resonates with you:
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*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
What I Wish I Knew in My 20's & 30's
There’s plenty of blogs directing advice to your 20 year old self. Plenty. “What I wish I knew when I was 20.” Google it.
From there, it seems to turn into posts about “What I wish I knew at 30” or “What I wish I knew Before 30” (So, again, focusing on the 20’s.)
Q: What about the rest of us?
How about the 30’s? How about the 40’s? How about some good solid tips, regardless of your age, that are designed for you to find your own version of happy? I mean, I had tons of questions and things I “wish” I knew during my 30’s. I also, currently would love to hear some feedback and advice for my 40 something year old self.
My intention for this post is to speak specifically to both the decades of the 20’s and 30’s because, well, I’ve been through both of them. I’ve fully completed, signed and sealed my 20’s and 30’s and here’s the “feedback” I have for you with being on the other side.
Regardless of your specific age or decade of dwelling, this feedback can keep your perspective healthy, free of comparison and grounded. This is directed toward ANYBODY whose in a space of doubting, stressing about or questioning their whereabouts on this journey called life.
*All my feedback comes from a well intended place. A place to maybe give you validation for what you already know or the courage to believe something different for yourself.
Here are 11 tips of healthy perspective, from me to you.
#1 STOP TRYING TO “FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE” IN YOUR HEAD
Oh the analyzing mind. Some of us get very caught in the bad habit of trying to “figure it all out.” We plan. We stress. We worry. We live in fear of all the things not happening for us in life, so in order to pacify our fears we over control and force things into place.
If you’re finding yourself trying to “think out” what you need to do in order to get or accomplish A, B or C in your life, please stop friend. Rather, start focusing on taking small steps toward “different” actions within your daily life. Life doesn’t happen when you’re thinking and planning it out. It happens when you’re engaged, present and actually living it out.
It’s a cliche for a reason: “It will happen when you stop trying.”
Stressing about when you’re going to find the partner, have kids, get married and “find” the career for you is beyond overwhelming. It takes the joy out of the present moment when you’re spending so much time worrying about the future.
Being overly distracted with where you “want to be” will check you out of your current life. If you’re in this cycle of hyper focus on the future, you will feel stuck, frustrated, irritated, anxious and, possibly, hopeless. Those feelings are due to your inability to be present more than your actual circumstances.
It’s an extremely stressful and an unrealistic expectation to think you can “figure it all out” in your head. You can’t “figure out” your life by thinking really hard about it. However, that doesn’t stop many of us from trying. Trying to “figure out” how to meet the specific person that’s going to be our life partner. Trying to figure out how to land the “dream job.”
It takes a lifetime to get to know yourself. It’s too much pressure to feel as if you have to “figure it out” because you X age. (Also, life and your wants and desires can change as you change. This is even more of a reason to find a good balance between ease and effort as you’re on your path toward creating what you want for your life.
#2 TIMING IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY (stop comparing)
Everybody has different timing and a different path and it means NOTHING negative about you. Where you’re at is not “wrong.” It’s neutral, unless you’re putting a meaning to it, either positively or negatively. Nothing is “wrong with you if your circumstances are not like (insert whoever you’re comparing yourself too.)
As you begin to embrace where you’re at in life and engage in your life, that’s when things will start to fall into place for you with more flow. In short, embrace what you have going on; all of it. Accept the parts that you feel good about and the parts that you do want to change.
Something interesting happens when we slip into the space of acceptance. Acceptance allows more calm and inner peace, which then allows us to act and behave differently. This, in turn, effects the results we get in life. More good things will keep happening for you as you melt into acceptance and surrender to the timing of events in your journey.
In order to BE in a more free flowing state, it’s important to let go of any controlled timeline of events that you might be anticipating. I’m not saying deny what you want. I want your desires to come true, just as you do. However, being more loose and open to how events and circumstances in your life are going to unfold will help you stay in a more positive headspace about it all.
Please, please, please be very mindful of the timelines that you put on yourself. They can cause a lot of suffering if not “in check.”
#3 LEARN TO LET GO OF THE PAST (it will hold you back if you don’t)
We all will come across people and experiences that will be hard to let go of for a multitude of reasons. It could be our attachment style that doesn’t let someone go. It could be our pain that doesn’t let us put a situation to rest. Regardless of what it is, it’s so important to do “the work” to release the past.
Think of it simply: holding onto anything you don’t need will take up space for something else to move in. When we feel stuck in our life and find ourselves constantly going back to “what was,” perhaps that’s a signal that there’s some healing to do. If you feel like you need some support in exploring your past, here’s a link for an article I wrote on Finding The “Right” Therapist for You.
#4 BE MINDFUL OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS (and the expectations that others put on you)
Truthfully, the more interesting people I know have not done it by the book. (This is not truth, it’s just my personal experience.) Spend time going down paths that you’re curious about, without stressing about what you think you “SHOULD” be doing instead. Be mindful of outside pressure that is suggesting for you to be something or someone different other than who you are. In other words, some people may want you to be certain things and live a life that’s not true for you. It takes a lot of self awareness and courage to go against these outside pressures, especially when the pressure is from people who we love.
Be mindful of this. Be brave enough to hold onto your truth.
#5 YOU CAN MAKE $ DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE (believe it)
What???!!! Record scratch. Yup, I said it, despite what your parents might be telling you and despite what “they” say.
Repeat after me: “I can make money doing something I love.” It’s true folks, you can make a career out of something you’re passionate about, good at and enjoy. It could be a grand slam. Isn’t that mind blowing?
Why is that so hard to believe for some of us? Here’s a thought on why this could be so:
Our experiences growing up, the culture that we were exposed to in our family of origin coupled with what we’ve been taught and believe about success will effect what we allow ourselves to go toward.
We can get caught in other people’s expectations and put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we strictly define what success and adulthood “looks” like based on our conditioning. We are a product, to a certain extent, of what we’re from and what we were taught. For worse or better. It’s really hard to strip ourselves away from any mold that we’ve been exposed too and melted into for years of our life. However, I’m here to remind you that there are MANY “outside the box” ways to become successful, no matter who is telling you anything different. Theres’ too much proof of it in our world at this point to deny that it’s possible. I’m not saying it’s going to be a cake walk to pursue your unique career path, but your journey toward creating a career you enjoy is incredibly possible. Believe it!
With intention, desire, hard work and a vision, you can create a career that feeds your soul. Success doesn’t just come within the structured career basics. It can and it does. However, if you’re being called to go “the road less traveled” career wise, trust yourself and know that you can find a creative way to make income and be fulfilled. To sum this point up; getting creative and doing things your way can pay off.
#6 RELATIONSHIPS WILL COME & GO (and it’s natural & normal for them to do so)
Not everyone that you meet is meant to be in your life for the long haul. You could look at that as sad or upsetting and you might need to for a bit in order to properly morn the loss of some relationships that meant something to you. Although, remember that it’s true for all of us and a very normal part of life for people to come and go. It’s a very special few that make the whole journey with us. Knowing who to put your energy into at specific junctures in your life is an important skill. Also, doing your best to allow shift and change will suit you well when moving through your life and navigating through the changing times of your relationships.
Some people are incredibly important seasons. Value them for the time that you do get with them. It’s important to pay attention to the natural expiration date for some of our relationships. Surrendering to this concept and being mindful to let go of force and to allow a natural flow will help you work through the coming and going of relationships in your life.
#7 DARE TO BE DIFFERENT FROM THE CROWD (you’ll be better for it)
There’s truth around the perspective that the people who are really making waves and accomplishing incredible things in this world are true individuals. “True Individuals” meaning people who have created their own path in life and have made choices, that sometimes, could cause controversy, simply because their way is “different.”
Your voice, perspective, way of seeing the world and overall unique package is what makes you who you are. It creates the energy that the world feels and experiences of you. Being brave enough to show your authentic self to others and the world does greatly pay off if you’re courageous enough to hold that space.
Yes, it requires bravery to do this. It’s a win/win to do this and it’s worth the fight because, first and foremost, it feels amazing to openly express who you truly are without holding back. Expression because really natural and effortless when you’re not spending time worrying and anticipating “what others will think.” When there’s less blocks in the road, everything will feel better and that will be reflected in the overall result of what you create in your life. This individual way of being attracts the “right” opportunities and people to you. Like attracts like. Truth attracts truth. This is what can make life incredibly fulfilling.
Bottom line: If you’re brave enough to really show your truth, it will benefit you greatly. Dare to be different friends.
#8 GIVE LESS F’S! (you will experience much less suffering if you do so)
This is the natural next point after the latter. In order to really “do you” (boo) you have to give less credit and put less attention on who your naysayers are. Nobody in this life is going to get a green light from everyone and that’s just apart of the experience. Caring less about who doesn’t like you, for whatever reason it is that they don’t, will bring much more peace to your days. Period.
#9 LOVE HAS AN INTERESTING WAY OF FINDING YOU WHEN YOU TAP INTO SELF LOVE & ACCEPTANCE
I know, I know. We’ve heard this one 1000x: You need to love yourself before someone can love you.
When you genuinely get to a point where you have a healthy and kind relationship with your own self, that’s when your point of attraction for “big” fulfilling love has a shot at finding you.
You can attract love without a healthy level of self worth. Sure, people do it all the time. However, there’s way more room for things to go really south when you don’t tend to the most important relationship that there will ever be, which is the one between you and you.
Take the time to “get right” with yourself so you can thrive. Your ability to create rich and fulfilling relationships will also increase when your level of self love and acceptance is healthy.
#10 DON”T TAKE “ADULTING” (AND YOURSELF) TOO SERIOUSLY
Need I say more? Sometimes, we get way too serious in our role as adults and we forget how to BE light and have fun. It’s a real bummer when this happens and I’m not talking about being an irresponsible adult. I’m actually talking about being a balanced adult where you know when it’s time to step up and tend to your responsibilities balanced with knowing when to let loose and laugh. Laugh at yourself and with others.
Sit at the kids table. Go down the water slide. Jump on the trampoline. Make funny faces. See what joy you can tap back into when you just loosen up and don’t take yourself so seriously.
#11 IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK HOW YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD (and that’s not bad)
I remember my 20 year old self having it all figured out. I’m going to marry him, live there, do that as a career and have x amount of kids or dogs or houses or friends or……you get what I’m throwing down?
In a nutshell, I’ve NEVER come across a friend, acquaintance or client who has told me that their life looks exactly as they thought it would. Not saying it doesn’t exist, but if it does it’s a rarity and could be a sign that you played it really safe and within the lines of your comfort zone. Just saying.
Life is unpredictable and when you’re really living it and allowing it to take the lead it will not look as you thought it would. it just won’t. It will be bigger, louder and have less limits than you thought.
It. Just. Will.
Well, that’s that. I hope that spoke to you and gets you inspired to keep your heart, perspective and your eyes open so you can be present and make the most of this journey called LIFE. Cheers friend.
*Above image is from San Diego based photographer, Renata Amazonas taken @villapalomajoshuartree
10 Quick Grounding Perspectives
We all need a little pick me up from time to time.
Here are some quick words and perspectives to help you create a more productive and healthy mindset. I know, for me, it's always helpful to start my day with perspectives that give me energy, hope and just, straight up, make me to feel better.
Let’s begin.
1. Remember that what you might be upset about now, will eventually pass and feel lighter.
2. Change your perspective; Change your life. It's that simple.
3. Bad moods are supposed to be; without them we wouldn’t be able to recognize the happy moments.
4. To begin, just begin. Don’t make starting something a bigger deal than it is.
5. If it’s meant to work out, it will. It’s a cliche for a reason.
6. It won’t be a big deal, if you don’t make it a big deal. Don’t make unimportant things a big deal. It’s a waste of your time.
7. Just be loving. Doing so will direct you down the more fulfilling path while connecting you to good things along the way.
8. Contrast is a must in life. It allows us to see all sorts of emotions and textures.
9. Trust timing. Trust the bigger picture. Let go of control. Often, that’s when things have the space to fall into place.
10. When you're tired, give yourself the gift of rest. When you have energy and curiosity, get after it. Learn to listen to your body and respect it.